My heart thumps painfully as Henry and I wait in tense silence for Connor to return. After years and years of putting up with Connor’s disrespect, unkindness, and recklessness, things have finally gone too far. I don’t know if kicking him out is the right thing to do, but I’m scared of how much could be lost if he continues to bring his lifestyle into our home. I can’t take responsibility for him forever.

I squeeze Henry’s hand nervously. “Am I doing the right thing?”

“At the end of the day, Lissy, it’s your life. It’s up to you.”

Even though he says it’s up to me, I wonder if it really is. Henry and Lucy have both been telling me what I need to do. Although I hear the logic in their words, in my heart, I feel like I’m giving up on my brother.

Henry must recognize the look on my face. “It doesn’t have to be today. Maybe think about it a while.”

I shake my head. “No. Today. Or else I’ll lose my nerve.”

We wait together as the time ticks by. The evening turns into night, and I start to worry, twisting my hands in my lap. “He’s been out all day. He could be anywhere.”

Henry puts his arm around me. “He’ll be fine. He always is.”

“What if he’s sitting in some alley somewhere, smoking god-knows-what, popping pills?”

“There’s nothing you can do about it if you don’t know where he is.”

“I’ve called him hundreds of times over Christmas, and he won’t answer. He’s not answering now. If he’s this mad at me for going away for the holidays, what’s he going to be like when I tell him he’s got to leave? He’ll probably never speak to me again.”

“Or maybe he’ll feel sorry for himself for a few days, then realize how good he had it, and come back with a change in attitude.”

“He better get here soon, or I’ll lose my resolve.”

The door swings open. Henry and I both jump and turn to the door. Connor stands there, looking more dressed up than usual, wearing clean clothes and what looks like a new black hooded sweatshirt.

He sees us and throws a scowl our way. “Look who’s back.”

Beside me, Henry’s hands curl into fists. I need to navigate this situation carefully—the last thing I want is for this to turn into a fist fight between my boyfriend and my brother.

“Connor. I’ve been worrying about you. Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

Connor ignores my question and breezes past into the kitchen, where he kneels down to open the under-counter fridge and look for something to eat. There’s no food in there, but he does pull out a beer, then strolls casually back into the living room.

“You left this place in a mess,” I say. My voice becomes tight as Connor continues to ignore me. My resolve strengthens as I witness yet another act of defiance on his part. He doesn’t give a single fuck about anything. “There were drugs in here.”

He shrugs. “So?”

“This is my apartment.”

“This is our apartment.”

My voice flares. “Is it? Because you don’t pay rent here, and as long as you’re under my roof, you live by my rules.”

Connor scoffs, letting out a low, scornful snigger. He rolls his eyes. “Alright, Mom.”

My eyes fill with bitter, angry tears. I stand up and point a finger in Connor’s direction. Behind me, Henry tenses and leans forward, ready to step in if needed.

“Don’t call me that,” I warn him. “We both know I’m not your mother.” I take a step toward him; my voice low and angry. “When I came home, this place was trashed. Bottles, ash, garbage all over the place; the carpet ruined; blood in the bathroom. That’s not the way to treat either someone else’s property or your own home. It’s disrespectful, and it puts us at risk. Drugs, Connor? That’s all it would take to get us evicted.”

“Good!” Connor snaps. “I want to go back to Holyoke.”

“Then go! Pack your things and go back to Holyoke. If you can get a job and an apartment all by yourself, then by all means, go back there. But I’m staying here to finish my degree.”

Connor scowls. “I could go back any time I wanted. I have friends there.”

“I’m sure you’ll be just as comfortable sleeping on a sofa in a meth den as you are here, with a sister who cooks and cleans for you and does everything else.” I let out a long, exasperated breath. My anger subsides and is replaced by sadness. My voice breaks a little as I continue. “Does everything I do for you really mean so little? I don’t understand how you could turn our home into a dumpster and think it’s alright to do drugs and god-knows-what-else in here. And what about the blood? Who have you been fighting? What about the needles? What have you been taking?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“If you’re living in my apartment, it’s my business, Connor.”

He says nothing, just rolls his eyes again and takes a swig of his beer. He rubs his temples like I’m annoying him. It makes my blood boil.

I fold my arms across my chest, even though my voice trembles. “You need to leave.”

“Excuse me?”

“You need to get out of here. I was going to give you a few weeks to find your feet, but I don’t think I can deal with this for another second. I want you to pack your bags and go.”

“Go where?”

I shrug, a pained expression on my face. “Holyoke, if that’s where you want to be. Go to one of your friends. A shelter. Maybe Aunt Dayna will let you stay for a while. Or go to a motel. I have two hundred dollars on me. Take it.”

I take the money out my purse and lay it on the table. “That’s the last of what I’m giving you, Connor. When I wasn’t much older than you, I was going to court to fight for custody of my brother. I was studying in college. I was working two jobs. And I was grieving, too. I’m not expecting anything of you that I haven’t done myself. I’m not asking you to go to Harvard. Jesus, I’m not even asking you to go to college. You don’t need some high-flying career to impress me. Get a job at Walmart. I don’t care what you do, Connor; I just want to see you doing something with your life.”

“You’ve always looked down on me.” Connor’s voice is cold and bitter, and he doesn’t look at me when he speaks. “But you’ve loved every second of control you’ve had over me since Mom died, playing the burdened big sister role, so everyone can pat you on the back. You’ve sucked up all that attention and loved it.”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re ‘poor little me’ act is growing old, Lissy. I’m sick of watching you act like you’re the damsel in distress, just waiting for someone to offer you your own Lifetime movie.”

“Grow up.” I bark the words. “Every time I try to point out the fact you need to take some responsibility for your life, you belittle me, hoping I’m going to drop it. Not this time. I’m done with it.

“Take the money and use it to take a train to Holyoke or Aunt Dayna’s or get a motel. If and when you’re done throwing insults at me, you can call. I’m not giving you any more money, but I’ll help you find your feet. That offer to help you write your resume is still there. I don’t want to give up on you, Connor, but putting you before everything else is going to be my downfall.”

I kneel down in front of him and put my hands on his knees. Lifting my gaze to try and catch his eyes, I will him to make a breakthrough, to truly understand my grief. “I love you more than anything. You know that? You’re my baby brother, and I want everything for you. I want you to be happy. But I don’t have the time, energy or resources to keep trying to fix you. Maybe out there, you’ll find what you need.”

He shakes his head in contempt. “Don’t act like you’re doing this for my sake. You’re fed up with having me around.” He stands up from his chair and turns towards his bedroom. “Mom would be rolling in her grave right now. She’d be ashamed of you.”

Henry rises to his feet. “How dare you,” he spits at Connor. “The way you use your mom’s memory to take advantage of your sister makes me sick. Think about what your mother might think of you right about now—doing drugs, getting in fights, holding Melissa back. You’re bleeding her dry, and all you care about is throwing your own little pity party for yourself. Grow up.”

Striding across the room, Connor squares up to Henry, straightening to his full height and folding his hands into fists. He’s a few inches shorter than Henry, but he’s broader and more vicious.

“Everything changed since you came along. Things were fine before you got involved. You want to play hero, but you’re not saving anyone. You’re splitting apart a family. Melissa and I have only got each other, and you’re coming in between us. Make you feel good, does it?”

“The only person coming between you and Melissa is you. Get clean, get a job, get some fucking counseling, for Christ’s sake, and you’ll have a good life. But don’t blame your sister for your problems. And don’t try blaming me.”

“I see how it is.” Connor turns from Henry to me slowly, and the look of betrayal on his face kills me. The tense moment between him and Henry dies out as Connor takes a step back and holds up his hands. “I wouldn’t want to get in between you two sweet little lovebirds. If you want me out, I’m out.”