CHAPTER NINETEEN
Riley
On Monday morning, I got up with the sun. It burst through the living room window, warming the worn floorboards and urging me to go outside and meet it. Since I had nowhere to be and nothing to do, I took it up on its offer. With my slippers on and a mug of fresh coffee in my hand, I climbed over the windowsill and settled down on the fire escape.
People rushed by on the sidewalk—kids on scooters, dogs tugging at leashes, and adults talking into their cell phones. I felt like I was in my own secret world up here, getting a sneak peek into the lives of those below me.
There was a noise in the living room, and Ann-Marie poked her head out the window. “What are you doing?”
“I’m seizing the day.”
That made her smile. “Oh. Okay, cool. I’m off to work. What’s your schedule later?”
“I’m free as a bird.”
Since I was originally scheduled to work at Crumbs that day, I was now without anything to do all day long. My next waitressing shift wasn’t until Wednesday night. I’d need to start looking for a second job soon, but one day off wouldn’t kill me.
“Let’s meet up. Maybe we can go to that new bar in Hell’s Kitchen and look for guys.”
The mention of men made my stomach drop. My reaction must have shown on my face because Ann-Marie frowned. “What?”
“I don’t want to go looking for guys.”
“Because you’re not ready or because...” She trailed off, gesturing for me to finish the sentence.
“I haven’t even talked to Xavier since Friday. I need to know what’s going on with us.” I took a deep breath and let it out slow. “I can’t just close the door, you know? Not without giving us a real shot.”
“Oh. I figured you’d probably had enough of his shitty attitude.”
“I can’t just stop seeing him, Ann-Marie, just because he’s acted in some ways I don’t like.”
She pursed her lips and slowly nodded. “All right. I get that.”
I didn’t know if she really did or not. In my best friend’s mind, things were pretty cut-and-dried. If someone did her wrong, she got rid of them. No questions asked.
“I’ll text you later,” she said, pulling her head back into the apartment. “Don’t go too crazy on your day off.”
“I’ll try not to.”
I waited until she was gone to pull out my phone. I spent all of the day before thinking long and hard about exactly what I needed to say to Xavier. Now that I had it figured out, it was time to make a move before I lost my nerve.
Do you have time to meet up today?
I sent the text and got back to my coffee and people watching. It wouldn’t do any good to sit around and wait for his response.
When my phone buzzed thirty seconds later, though, I flinched against the fire escape’s black bars.
Yes. We should talk.
That made my heart twist inside out. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with something to say. Was Xavier going to end things with me? If so, it would be better done sooner rather than later.
Before I could respond, he sent me another text with a suggested time and the name of a coffee shop. I recognized the place. It was about three blocks from Enigma. Since I had the time to go all the way over to Manhattan, and I didn’t want to wait any longer before seeing Xavier, I agreed to meet him there in a couple hours.
Rushing back inside, I dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and an off-the-shoulder blouse. I put on a bit more makeup than usual and took my time fixing my hair. I was crossing my fingers and hoping everything went well between Xavier and me, but making myself look nice and reminding him of what was at stake couldn’t hurt.
I rehearsed what I would say on my trek to the coffee shop. I broke my specifics down into bullet points, which made my presentation both easier to remember and — hopefully — easier to digest. Still, my palms sweated as I got off the train and walked to the spot.
I was a few minutes early, which was good. This way, I’d get a little bit more time to breathe before Xavier arrived. The place swarmed with people. I ordered two black coffees and snagged a tiny table for two by the window.
Just as I sat down, Xavier appeared on the other side of the glass. He didn’t notice me watching him. I kept my eye on him as he walked along the sidewalk and entered the shop. Everything about him was strong and confident. The way he dressed. The way he carried himself. But was he really that way? Or was it all just a facade? Was there a secret dark side to Xavier Fields? A sad side? And if I asked, would he show it to me? Would he let me help him manage it?
Xavier came through the front door and looked around. Our eyes locked and the air in the whole place seemed to change. It was still there: that undeniable chemistry. And no matter what happened between us, I knew it would always be there.
He walked to me with his gaze still on mine. No words were said as he took the seat across from me. I gently nudged his coffee cup toward him. “You like it black, right?”
“Thank you.” He looked at the coffee but didn’t touch it. On my side of the table, my own coffee sat abandoned. I’d yet to take a drink.
Xavier pulled at the cuffs of his suit and sat up straighter. “How have you been?”
“Good,” I answered in a stilted voice. “You?”
It felt like we hadn’t seen each other in months. Xavier cleared his throat and adjusted his weight in the chair. I thought I was uncomfortable, but Xavier looked like he was about to tear his hair out.
Bullet points. I needed to remember my bullet points. A to B to C. I was assertive. I knew who I was and what I was doing. I needed to remember that.
“I quit my job at Crumbs.”
Xavier’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You did?”
I nodded, feeling a bit of excitement over getting to share the news with him. “Dan wanted me to work a double, and I couldn’t. He threatened to fire me—”
“That asshole,” Xavier seethed.
“So I just quit. I threw my apron down on the floor and walked out.”
“You’re kidding me.”
I shook my head and giggled. “Nope. It felt pretty good.”
Xavier’s eyes sparkled. “Wow. I’m proud of you. You’re better than that place.”
“Thanks. Anyway, that whole thing got me thinking… the reason I quit was partly because of you. Thanks to you, I mean. You telling me that I need to stand up for myself and speak my mind more really influenced me.”
Xavier’s face softened. “Good. I’m glad. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment, Riley. To have people walking all over you...” He trailed off, his eyes glazing over.
“I know,” I agreed. “Which is also why I needed to talk to you.”
Xavier’s eyes came back into focus as he looked at me. “Yes. The last couple weeks have been… intense.”
“Agreed. It’s not what I’d been expecting.”
He nodded. “Me neither.”
“But I’ve liked it. I like being with you. But I can’t help but wonder… I mean, sometimes it seems like something’s going on with you. It seems like something is wrong.”
One corner of Xavier’s mouth twitched. “What are you suggesting?”
“I don’t know what I’m suggesting. It just seems like there are two sides to you.” I laid my palms flat on the table. Now that I was on a roll, talking about this was a lot easier than I had anticipated it would be. “Okay, for instance, the other night you showed up at Crumbs and basically acted like you had a right to step in and interfere with my job.”
Xavier opened his mouth to respond, but I quickly went on.
“Which is a whole other conversation. I’m not complaining about that. You were right about Dan, and you were right about that job. What I’m saying is, you took me home with you that night, and everything was great, but you were distant the next morning. Something must have happened. What were you doing up in the middle of the night? I heard your voice. Were you talking on the phone?”
Xavier’s features tightened more and more with each word I got out. He was becoming defensive. I could already tell he wasn’t going to reveal the full truth of whatever was going on with him. I needed to try a different tactic.
“You don’t have to tell me what’s up, of course, but I want you to know that I’m here if you need me. To talk. Or even just to listen. I don’t have to say anything if you don’t want me to.”
Xavier’s top teeth slowly pierced his bottom lip. He gave one languid nod, looking like he was thinking things over. I waited, listening to my heartbeat overpowering all the other sounds of the coffee shop.
Xavier’s words slipped out slow and thick. “I appreciate your concern. There has been a lot going on at work. What you’ve observed happened to be the result of that stress.”
It was a lie. I saw it on his face. It was in the way he couldn’t hold eye contact for more than one second. The fact that he couldn’t trust me with even a little bit of the truth stung like hell. We’d known each other for only a short time, but my days with Xavier had been filled with more excitement and passion than I’d ever known. To shut me out like this was unjust. Whatever was wrong, I could help with, if only he would let me.
“Is that all?” I asked.
Xavier bristled at the question. “Yes. That’s all.”
If he said so, there was no point in continuing to question him. I’d only push him away.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and cleared my throat. I was getting nervous again. I needed to hurry up and do what I came here to do before I chickened out. “There’s something else I want to say. I understand if things are stressful with work right now, but I think it’s a bad sign that it’s impacting our interactions so early on.”
I was using phrases that sounded too big for me, and they were. This part of the speech I’d rehearsed in my head twenty times while on the train ride over here. Xavier seemed to know something like this was going on. He watched me with a stony face, suspicion in his eyes.
I kept going. “You were hot Thursday night and cold Friday morning, and that’s not the first time I’ve seen you that way. It’s… unnerving. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with this.”
Xavier still looked at me with a face like a statue. It was intimidating, but I wouldn’t let it get to me. With one more deep breath, I delivered my final ultimatum. “I need more consistency. I need to know that you want me around, because sometimes you act like you don’t. And if you can’t give me that, or at least the promise of you trying, then I need to be done. I can’t see you anymore.”
I bit the inside of my cheek and fell back in my seat. Delivering the last part was painful, but it had to be done. I watched Xavier, waiting for his answer, and praying he wouldn’t tell me things were now over between us.
Seconds crept by. The coffee shop around us seemed to function at warp speed, voices and noises assaulting my ears while Xavier and I sat in this little bubble. Where we were, one second became one minute and each minute became an hour.
Xavier looked at a spot on the wall next to my head. I could practically see his wheels turning. As he slid his gaze back on mine, though, I saw nothing had changed. There was still distance in those gray pupils. “It sounds to me,” he carefully said, clearly enunciating every word, “like we want different things. And the truth of the matter, Riley, is that I don’t have time for a relationship right now.”
His words cut me like a knife. The use of my name somehow made the pain even worse. Maybe it was because, with my name inserted right in the middle of that sentence, there was no denying that the news was for me. Xavier didn’t want me. He was done.
I pressed my lips together to stop them from quivering. Waves of hurt washed over me, but I held my back straight and kept looking back at Xavier. It was good to find the truth out so soon. Now I could finally move on and start fresh. I was letting a job go, and I was letting a man go. No more pretending the things that didn’t serve me did.
“I see,” I rasped. “Thank you for telling me.”
Xavier twisted sideways in his seat. It looked like he was about to leave, but he ended up perching on the edge of his chair and not going anywhere. “I still would like to see you. Just not as much. It’s clear that we’ve been spending too much time together. It’s not good for either one of us.”
Half of his words were delivered while looking at the wall, and the other half were delivered while looking at my forehead. Again, eye contact seemed to be difficult for him.
“So, you think we’ve spent too much time together?” I asked, just to make sure I had it right.
“Yes.”
My pain twisted and morphed into wild anger. “You’re the one who invited me away for the weekend. You’re the one who showed up at my workplace and asked me to come home with you.”
“I know,” Xavier said through tight teeth. His eyes slid sideways, toward the table next to us. I didn’t care if everyone there knew we were having an argument. This was New York City. We wouldn’t be seeing anyone in this coffee shop ever again.
“I just don’t understand you. You act… I don’t know. You just act different all the time. And I can see that something is bothering you. It’s fine if you won’t tell me about it, but can’t you just admit something is going on?”
Xavier’s lips drew tight together. “Are you trying to push me away? Is that it? Are you just trying to make this conversation as unbearable as you possibly can, so that I’ll be the one to walk away and you’ll end up with no dirt on your hands?”
“What? No. I’m trying to understand you.”
“There… Is… Nothing… To… Understand.” His hand on the table curled into a fist and became sheet white. I held my breath, afraid for the first time around him.
He didn’t freak out, though. Instead, he placed his hands on his lap and looked straight at me. “This is what I’m offering. We see each other occasionally. We keep it casual. I’ve already been clear about the time that I have right now. I’m not interested in starting anything serious with anyone.”
He raised an eyebrow, waiting for my response. But I didn’t have one. This whole relationship had been a whirlwind. It swept me up in a magnificent wind storm, and now it was dropping me off in the middle of a dusty, barren field.
I should have known. The second I felt a pair of eyes on me at Enigma, I should have known trouble was coming my way. I should have turned and run and never looked back.
It was too bad I didn’t.