CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
Xavier
She cares about me.
I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, frozen, my feet and brain unable to function. Her words had taken me by such surprise that I was robbed of my ability to think. “I care about you,” she’d said.
After everything that happened, after all of the painful shit I’d put her through, she still cared for me. I’d hoped that would be the case, but I also knew I didn’t deserve Riley’s affections.
But I could work toward them. I could try, every day for the rest of my life, to be better than I’d been. But first, I needed to convince Riley to stay. I had to make her believe that I was worth sticking around for.
Starting now.
“Riley!”
I snapped out of my daze as I threw the front door of my place open. The hallway sat empty, no sign of her anywhere. I rushed for the elevator, praying she hadn’t made it that far yet.
I turned the corner—the elevator doors were closed. Curses flew from my mouth as I frantically pounded the call button. Once Riley walked out of this building, my chances of winning her over would dramatically decrease. With each physical step she took away from me, she’d be taking a mental step as well. Soon, I’d be nothing to her but a distant memory. A painful regret.
The elevator doors opened, and I pushed my way through them. The cables couldn’t take me down fast enough. I’ve missed her. There’s no way she’s still in this building.
I clenched my hands and counted the seconds as they passed by. When the elevator doors opened again, I threw myself into the lobby just in time to see Riley stepping through the front doors.
“Riley!” My call echoed in the lobby. Both Riley and the doorman, his hand on the open door, turned and looked at me. I ran across the floor and stopped a few feet away from her.
When her eyes met mine, hers were full of sadness. “Please don’t do this, Xavier. Just let me walk away, all right? Make it easy on me for once.”
“No. I can’t do that.”
I glanced at the doorman, who still stood with the door wide open. When my eyes fell on him, he dropped his face.
“Let’s talk about this,” I told Riley. “Somewhere private.”
She stiffened. “That’s what we were just doing.”
“I know, but I have more to say.”
She threw her hands up in frustration. “What more could you possibly say? You told me you realized you were in the wrong, but you’re still allowing that… thing… to continue.”
“I know, and it’s—”
“Complicated. Right. I got that.”
“But you and I aren’t. Not anymore. I can’t go on without you near me. Do you get that?” I cut my hand through the air, desperately attempting to express how serious I was. “I’ve fucked up just about everything in my life that isn’t business. And I want to tell you some things. I’m not using them as an excuse, I just… I think that if you know more about me, it might help you to understand me.”
Riley placed her hands on her hips. She was intrigued, but not yet convinced. “What kind of things?”
“Things about my… life. Growing up, I mean. And now.” I gulped and looked over at the doorman again. He was just as close to me as Riley was, a third wheel in this very personal conversation. I looked back at Riley. “We can’t do this somewhere more personal?”
“No,” she tartly responded.
She was testing me. She was pushing me to my breaking point. It drove me crazy but made me love her even more. The doorman pointedly looked out the window and studied the pedestrians going by. When I imagined exposing myself to Riley, baring my soul to her, I didn’t think it would be done in front of the part-time doorman whose name I couldn’t remember. But if it meant doing this or losing Riley, then fine. I’d do whatever it took to keep her by my side.
A lump formed in my throat and joined the tightness in my chest. They were recognizable sensations. All my life, they’d held me back. Any time I’d thought about revealing my truth to someone, fear took over. It stopped me from becoming the person I really wanted to be. But not any longer. The pain might still be present, but I wouldn’t let it stop me. I would push forward despite it. I would become something more. I would create more for myself. More for Riley.
I took in a deep breath and went for it. “I knew you were something special the moment I first saw you. I tried to explain it away, to tell myself you were just a unique girl and that anyone would think the same thing. But now I know the truth. You were special to me because you were made for me. I know this sounds stupid, but it’s fucking true, Riley. I just couldn’t admit it sooner. It’s… hard. I grew up in a family that didn’t show affection and appreciation. The only time my dad ever touched my mom was when he hit her.”
Riley’s lashes danced in surprise. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”
“Because I didn’t want you to know that. I don’t tell people about my life. I carry it around with me, but I make sure to always keep it a secret. Everyone has their own burdens to worry about. I don’t ask anyone to help me with mine.”
“I would,” Riley said, her voice and face so earnest my heart squeezed.
“I know you would. That’s one of the things that’s so special about you. Look, I’m bringing this up because I want you to know what this has been like for me. I don’t know how to let someone in because I promised myself I wouldn’t. I promised myself I would never become like my parents.”
“Xavier—”
“Hold on. There’s more. That choice was foolish. Along with it, I made other foolish choices. I hunted men at the club, men who were fucking with girls. I thought that by taking them outside and fighting them, I was enacting some justice. I thought I was a kind of hero.”
“That’s who you fight? Guys who… bother girls?”
“Yes.”
Riley’s eyes grew hazy and took on a faraway look. “Wow.”
A woman came up to the doorway. I took Riley’s elbow and pulled her over to the wall. “I only fight men who deserve it.”
“I don’t know, Xavier, it still sounds brutal.”
“I am brutal,” I said, the truth of the words a heavy burden.
Her lips pressed tightly together. “Yeah. I guess you are.” She looked down at her hands, which were twisting together against her dress. “I don’t know what to say to all of this.”
“I understand if you don’t have anything to say right now. I just couldn’t let you go without telling you these things. I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve hidden myself while you’ve exposed yourself.”
“It’s understandable,” she said, then sighed. “I suppose. Was it really bad? With your parents?”
I gritted my teeth. “My mom has had more than one broken bone. She didn’t get them from falling down the stairs or walking into a door, as much as she’d like for the ER nurses to believe that.”
Riley’s eyes grew wet, and one big tear slid down her cheek. “Thank you for telling me this. It gives me something to think about.”
There was a painful finality in her words. She might not be staying after all, I realized. She might still be turning around and walking out of my life. I’d hurt her that bad.
“There’s more,” I blurted out. “There’s more. Don’t go. I love you. I love you so much, Riley. You’re mine. I know I’ve already said that, but I mean it in every way. You’re supposed to be mine. Forever. Somehow, I just fucking know it.”
Riley’s eyes went wider than I’d ever seen them. “I… I...”
I seized her waist and pulled her to me, my lips silencing her words. I pressed her as hard against me as I could while I kissed her. If I could, I would have molded our bodies together. I would have made us one person.
Riley broke the kiss and took a half step back. Her eyes were still bright and big, making her look like she was in shock. I kept my hand on her back. I wasn’t moving it from her until I was forced to.
She stared at me for the longest time. It was a moment that seemed like it would never end. Even as she opened her lips to speak, the half second passed by as if in slow motion.
“Take me upstairs,” she said softly.
They were the most beautiful words I’d ever heard. I almost wished they’d never been uttered, that’s how good they were. They were so amazing they hurt. They pierced me in the chest and injected me with a kind of sensation I’d never experienced.
Love.
That’s what it was. Amazement. Wonder. This extraordinary woman wanted to be mine.
Twisting my fingers in hers, I pulled her toward the elevator. I caught a glimpse of the doorman on our way across the floor. He gave me a thumbs-up.
Within seconds, we were in the elevator, our hands and mouths all over each other. I pressed Riley against the wall and planted kisses along her neck. She rolled her head back and pushed her hips against me. I was on fire, my skin and muscles burning with delirious need.
The steps we took back to the apartment happened as if on a merry-go-round. We spun out of the elevator and down the hall. The door gave against our combined weight, and we tumbled into the foyer.
I managed to kick the door shut and then we were on the floor. It was cold and hard, but I didn’t care. I pulled Riley on top of me and kissed her with all the love and pain inside me. Her fingers fumbled at my buttons while I pushed her dress up. I found the fabric of her panties and ripped them off. She hissed from shock and pain, but the parted lips and flushed cheeks that followed told me she loved every part of what was happening.
Tossing the shreds that were Riley’s underwear to the floor, I pulled her forward and onto me. Our tongues lapped at each other’s, hungry and desperate for the other’s taste. Riley pushed her hand between our bodies and undid my belt buckle. I helped her with a quick unzipping of my pants.
My cock pushed its way out through the slit in my boxers, already hard and leaking pre-cum. It slid along Riley’s inner thigh and jerked at the nearby heat coming from her opening. Riley leaned back, making her hips grind against mine. Desire pulsed in my every cell.
“I’ve missed this so much,” I rasped in between my quick, staccato breaths.
“Me too.” She leaned down and kissed me again before sitting upright, gazing down at me, love shining in her eyes. I grasped the base of my dick and waited for her to make the next move, giving her time to decide if this was truly what she wanted. Long seconds passed before she lifted her hips and sank down on me, our eyes locked as our bodies became one.
My cock pierced her, disappearing inside of that perfect, silky channel. Riley rolled her shoulders back and moaned low as she lowered herself the rest of the way down. She slowly rocked back and forth, her fingers flexing against my shoulders.
“That’s right, baby,” I whispered. “Ride me. Ride me like you’re mine.”
“I am,” she gasped.
In this position, I had free access to her sweet body and was able to touch her all I wanted. Her face, her throat, her breasts, her tiny waist. I gripped her hips, helping her move, but not rushing her. Letting her take the lead.
I groaned as her pussy squeezed my cock, and pleasure shot along my shaft and up into my abs. With each new thrust, my balls constricted more, till they became full to the bursting point, ready to explode.
Riley rocked faster, riding me like she was out of control. I loved seeing her like this, completely lost to her pleasure and wild with ecstasy. Each fluid motion of her pelvis made her moans deeper and longer. I thrust my hips up, wanting to reach the end point of her channel, wanting to fill her up and make her explode.
She cried out my name as she climaxed, her body shaking against mine, and I couldn’t hold my orgasm back. It ripped through me, and I quickly lifted Riley off of me and watched as thick tendrils of my release flew across her thighs and on my abs.
Riley was the first woman I’d ever not worn a condom with, the first woman I trusted enough to do such a thing. She was on the pill, and I believed her when she said she was religious about taking it. Besides, the thought of having a child with this woman didn’t make me panic.
She fell into a jumble on the floor next to me. I snaked my arm under her shoulders and pulled her close. Our ragged exhales fell into a weird synchronicity as we just lay still and looked up at the ceiling.
Riley groaned and turned to the side, her nose pressed into my chest as I wrapped my arm around her tighter and kissed the top of her hair. She smelled like her place and my place combined. It was perfect.
Gingerly easing her off me, I helped her to her feet and guided her to the bathroom. The whole time we showered, I stared at her. She blushed, but I couldn’t help it. This amazing girl was mine.
Once I had Riley dried off and dressed in my most comfortable pajamas, I took her back to the dining room. It was dark outside, the sun having set sometime while Riley and I were lost in our own personal heaven.
“Are you hungry now?” I asked.
She smiled guiltily. “Yes.”
I pulled a chair out for her. With her seated, I started serving the meal we didn’t so much as touch earlier.
“It’s cold,” I announced, scooping some kind of lamb dish onto a plate. “I’ll have to heat it up.”
Riley didn’t answer.
“It’ll just take a couple minutes.” I looked across the table to find her chewing on her lip. My hand holding the serving spoon instantly fell. “What is it?”
She looked at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Xavier, but I can’t just let it go. What are you going to do about that list?”
Her pain was so evident I could feel it pressing down on my chest. I sighed and dropped back into my chair. “You can’t be with a man who lets something like that go on.”
She nodded. “I know you’re not going to use the list anymore…”
“But you can’t be happy while I sit by and let it be used,” I finished for her.
“Exactly,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. Everything is so close to perfect now. You’re so perfect, this...” She trailed off and dropped her head into her hands.
A new desire was already rising in me. Now that I had Riley, I would do whatever it took to both keep her and make her happy. Part of that meant doing the right thing simply because it was what needed to be done. Riley couldn’t stand by and idly watch that list be used. And now, because she couldn’t, neither could I.