Massive. That’s the only word I could come up with. I’d skipped going into the office, choosing instead to finally take the opportunity to drop by the site of the unfinished hotel. Most of the exterior was finished, but it was missing key elements, like landscaping and lighting, before it would really shine.

When I stepped inside, wearing a hard hat and a name badge that I’d been given by the foreman, I felt like the breath had been ripped from my lungs. It was so big, too big, way too fucking big. I looked straight up through the atrium style tower, the doors of hundreds of rooms looming like one of those unending mirrors in a fun house. I felt sick.

What the hell had I gotten myself into?

I stepped over a pile of tools, lifting my knees up high, which only made the fabric of my wool slacks rub roughly against the welts on my ass. I winced in pain, shaking my head as I tried to take in the scene before me.

I was expected to come up with a cohesive design that would flow perfectly throughout the hotel, starting with the massive lobby, including every single one of the seven different floor plans of guest rooms, the ballrooms, the conference rooms, the endless amount of terraces, the offices, the penthouses and the nightclub located on the very top floor.

Just little old me and my one assistant.

Never mind what was I thinking accepting a job like this, but what the hell was Bear thinking?

All I knew about was sitting in my little studio apartment on Southwest Alder Street in downtown Portland and sewing my little vintage handmade dresses. Where in the hell did all of this come from?

Bear was crazy! I was crazy! This entire town was insane, this entire situation was so out of control. It was too much. That dungeon? What the fuck?

My head spun and I reached out for something to hold onto as the room began spinning. There was nothing around and I’d somehow stupidly convinced the foreman that it was safe to leave me alone in a construction area.

I stumbled outside, gasping for air as I reached the sidewalk, tearing off the hard hat.

Max waited patiently, just as he had every single time I’d needed to go anywhere. He was always around. And so was Bear. Even when he wasn’t there, I was drenched in his memory.

Ever since I’d stepped off his plane, I was overwhelmed by him.

And why?

Because he had some warped ‘sense’ about me when I was still practically a kid?

He’d made me feel things I’d never felt before, but I wasn’t sure I was really ready to feel them. How could I give myself away to someone when I didn’t fully understand myself yet?

Yes, I was supposed to say yes, but I was starting to think saying yes had gotten me a lot more than I could handle.

My breathing grew shallow and I spun away from Max and began walking down the sidewalk. It took exactly ten steps to realize I had no fucking idea where I was going.

I stopped, took a deep breath and walked back to Max.

“Can you please take me to the library?” I asked.

“Of course, ma’am,” he replied, with a curt, professional nod. I’d not given him much thought before, he’d kind of blended into the whole scene that Bear had created. He had a slight accent that I couldn’t place and he was darkly handsome, with beautiful olive skin and green eyes. He’d been so quiet.

After he pulled into traffic, I hit the button and the glass slid down.

“Max, where are you from?” I asked.

“Somalia,” he said.

“Wow, that’s far away from New York,” I said.

“It’s even further than you think, ma’am,” he replied, smiling at me in the rearview mirror.

“Why are you here in New York?” I asked.

“I’m a refugee, ma’am. Mr. Dalton took us in when our family fled the war. I met him when I was working at an elephant sanctuary in Kenya years before we fled. We became friends and when he heard we needed help, he was very generous to my entire family.”

“That’s wonderful,” I said.

“Mr. Dalton is a very good man,” he said. “He gave me a job after he helped us get settled here in America. My family and I owe him our lives.”

I nodded and smiled, my heart swelling a little. Bear was a good man.

“I’m so glad you’re safe,” I said. “Thank you for answering. I heard your accent.”

“I’m happy you asked. I always welcome an opportunity to talk about my home country and I love singing Mr. Dalton’s praises,” he said.

I smiled and sat back in the seat, thinking about Bear the whole way to the library. I was impressed with the loyalty that Max felt for him. Bruce seemed to feel the same way to all of his employees. Bear was obviously a good man. He’d not done anything to make me think that he was.

Hell, he had a hell of a lot more faith in me and my abilities than I did. Maybe I just needed to believe in myself more. Maybe what he’d said about believing in yourself was right.

Maybe these were the boundaries I need to push up against.

I vowed not to give up just yet. I’d been close as I'd started to walk down the street back there, but now that I was in the back of the car again, under the watchful protectiveness of Max, I felt a little more stable.

When the car slowed, I looked out the window and gasped.

“The New York Public Library, ma’am,” Max said. “The second largest public library in the country! Just call me when you’re ready and I’ll be here right away.””

“Thank you, Max,” I said, staring in awe at the beautiful building in front of me. “I might be a few hours.”

I jumped out and was immediately swept up in the sidewalk traffic. It flowed around me like a river and I somehow managed to cross it without getting mowed down. Slowly, I walked up the huge stone steps, in awe of the majesty of the building. Two huge lion statues flanked the steps and people of every size and shape and color swarmed around me, their voices a symphony of a hundred different languages.

My head was swimming, but I managed to make it through the front door, only to be swept up in the awesome beauty of the architecture.

I wandered around for half an hour, lost in the columns and art and hundreds of thousands of books. I passed through exquisitely molded archways that were bordered by huge intricate murals, masterpieces that had stood the test of time, watching over generations of visitors.

Once I’d asked for help finding books on interior design, I got lost in the thousands of books I found. There was so much information I had no idea where to start. I fought to suppress the overwhelming feelings from rushing back and grabbed as many books as I could carry to check out.

By the time I made it back outside, I realized I’d forgotten to call Max. I stumbled to the street with my tower of books, struggling not to slip in the slushy, muddy snow soup that covered every street and sidewalk in this city. I bumped into a man, who reached out and grabbed my arms to help steady me.

“Thank you,” I said, looking up at him gratefully. His eyes shifted away quickly. He nodded and kept going.

I took a few more steps, trying desperately not to slip and break my leg. I put the books on a newspaper stand and reached into my purse to search for my phone. I jumped and screamed like a little girl as a rat the size of an alley cat scurried around my foot and through the river of people to the other side.

My heart racing, I took a deep breath, doing my best to calm myself.

You got this, I told myself. Just relax. All you have to do is call Max and you’ll be in the limo, rat-free.

I fished around in my purse for my phone, reaching past my sunglasses and my keys and lipstick. But no phone.

It wasn’t there.

What the fuck? I cried, frantically searching through my purse again.

Nothing.

Wait, nothing?

My wallet! My wallet was gone, too! I’d just had it when I’d applied for my library card and I’d put it back into my purse, right before I walked outside and bumped into the man.

“No!” I screamed, piercing panic gripping my heart.

The man! He must have pick pocketed me! Maria had warned me about that, but I never thought it was really a thing that happened.

I looked around for Max but there were so many cars and people swirling around I couldn’t really focus on any one thing.

What now? I thought. I don’t have a phone. No money, no bank cards. At least my house keys were still in my pocket, but I didn’t even know how to walk back home from here.

I’d never felt so lost in my life.

What the hell was I doing here? I thought. This wasn’t me, this wasn’t my life. This was someone else’s life. I didn’t belong here. I had no idea how to get around, how to even live here without the help of someone else.

I missed my independence. I missed my home town. I missed my friends, my apartment, my sense of fucking direction.

Grabbing the books, I took off walking. I figured if I just kept walking with the flow of traffic, maybe I’d see something I recognized, or I’d figure out a solution eventually. But Max and Bear had driven me everywhere since I’d arrived and I’d not paid much attention at all to my surroundings.

So dumb! I thought, as I stumbled through the slush. What was I thinking?

The sound of a horn blaring made me almost jump out of my skin.

“Miss McDonnell?” I heard a voice yell. I looked towards it and almost started crying when I saw Max creeping up next to me. “Miss McDonnell, get in, I can’t pull over here!”

I ran over to him and jumped in the back seat, my books falling to my feet.

“Max!” I cried, “Thank you!”

“Miss, I’m so sorry, I thought you were going to call me. The NYPD doesn’t let us wait outside the library anymore.”

“I lost my phone!” I said. “Well, I think it was stolen, actually. My wallet is gone, too.”

“Oh, no! The grifters have been bad this year, I heard.”

“I’m just so glad to see you!” I said. “I didn’t know what I was going to do.”

“Well, you’re safe now. Do you want to go home now?”

“Yes, please,” I said, sinking back into the seat breathlessly, thanking my lucky stars he’d seen me. “Thank you again, Max.”

“My pleasure, miss.”

* * *

My afternoon consisted of a three hour trip to the DMV to get a new ID and another hour spent on the phone canceling my credit cards. By the time I was done, my day was shot.

Later that night, I was pouring over the books I’d checked out, feeling like a total fraud. I didn’t really even know the difference between art deco or art nouveau. And there was so much to learn!

Bohemian, Industrial, Mid-Century Modern, Nautical, Scandinavian, Farmhouse, Urban Modern, Shabby Chic, it went on and on and on. After hours of research, I still had no clue which direction to go in.

With all the other confusion I was experiencing when it came to Bear, I was ready to hang up my hat.

You just have to tell him, I told myself. Tell him it’s too much, the job, his fetish, his fucking dungeon. I guess that’s what it was, right? A fetish. It’s not like he was licking my toes and asking me to have sex in a park so everyone could see. I mean, not yet. Who knew what was coming at this point? But this was definitely not normal, as far as I could tell.

I laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to make sense of it all.

It wasn’t that everything I’d experienced wasn’t amazing and eye-opening. But this was Bear’s life and I was merely playing a part in it. I hadn’t gone out seeking these bruises on my ass. I hadn’t asked him to tie me up or to blindfold me or to use those whips on me or to do any of those things.

I’d not asked for any of it. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t sure if this was right for me. I’d never even had a spanking fantasy before I met Bear. Maybe if I had more time to think about it, to develop an appreciation for it a little more slowly.

How in the world did he ever see something in myself that I didn’t know existed?

How was that possible?

My phone buzzed next to me and I saw it was Marie calling. I sighed, throwing the phone back on the bed. I didn’t have the energy to talk to her right now. She was always so sure of herself, so confident and happy. The last thing I needed was to hear her chipper cheerleading.

I don’t know what I needed, really.

Maybe I needed to just buck up and believe in myself, but that was hard to do when you were just plopped into a job you knew nothing about.

Or, maybe, just maybe, I needed to cut my losses.

Tuck tail and head home.

Home to the rain and my friends and all the tree lined streets that I knew like the back of my hand. Maybe I’d be happier if I went home to everything that was familiar and easy and real.

My phone beeped to tell me Marie left a voicemail. I hit the button to listen to it and her voice began chirping through my room.

“Hey girl, where are you?” she said. “I know your phone is right there next to you, unless of course, you’re preoccupied with that beasty Bear of yours! Listen, I just wanted to give you a heads up. Jessica’s friend Sally mentioned to Harlan that you moved to New York. Apparently, he’s pissed you left without telling him. He might be on his way to find you. Anyway, watch your back, okay? I don’t trust that guy. Call me when you can. Love you!”

Silence filled my room as the voicemail shut off. Harlan’s face flashed in my head and I groaned. The last thing I needed was to be forced to deal with him. Luckily, this city was massive and he wasn’t going to be able to just find me down at the corner pub like he would in Portland. I wasn’t too worried about him. I was pretty sure he’d have given up on me by now, but I guess some people take a little more time than others.

My phone buzzed again and I groaned, thinking it would be Marie again, but it wasn’t.

It was Bear.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Beauty!” he said. “I just inked a huge deal and I want to celebrate!”

“Celebrate?” I asked, looking at the clock. It was past nine.

“Yes!” he said. “Put your party dress on, baby! I’ll pick you up in half an hour!”

“Half an—,” the phone clicked and he was gone.

Jesus! What if I didn’t want to go dancing? I’d already had a few glasses of wine, I was in my pajamas and totally looking forward to a warm night of snuggling up and feeling sorry for myself.

“Shit,” I muttered, getting out of bed and heading to the closet. I pulled out a sparkly cocktail dress I’d bought, some shimmering tights and a pair of stilettos. I got dressed, remembering to keep the panties in the drawer and went to the bathroom to try to make sense of my hair and makeup.

I was puffy, I’d been crying and I looked like I’d just lost my best friend.

“Perk up, buttercup!” I said to the mirror. I took a deep breath, sprayed dry shampoo all over my hair and put it up in a bun. Luckily, the makeup covered up all traces of the sad girl from before and I grabbed a coat and waited for Bear to arrive.