My finger pulls at a ring of water left on the wooden surface of the table. My knee is bouncing underneath it. This is torture. This is the gods playing some cruel trick on me. They’re taunting me. The only thing that could bring me relief right now is to scream and cry until my throat is raw. But I can’t.

Instead, I’m made to sit in a booth at The Tavern beside the single love of my life, and he’s acting like he doesn’t even know me!

“So, Landon. What do we do with you?” Billie says, standing beside me with her arms folded. “‘Cause you sure as hell aren’t staying here by yourself.”

The tavern was empty by the time we arrived back allowing me a chance to endure another panic attack in the privacy of the bathroom.

“I’ll stay with him tonight, Billie,” I say. “If anything goes wrong, it’s on me.”

“That’s an even worse idea. No way in hell I’m trusting him around you. No way, no how, young lady.”

“I’m right here,” Landon says.

We ignore his comment. “You’re being dramatic.”

I’ve hardly spoken a word since we walked back in here. I keep coming back to the idea that this might be one very lucid night terror. How else can I rationalize this? Heck, I don’t want to rationalize this because it means facing heavy choices I’m nowhere near stable enough to make right now, or ever for that matter. Landon is supposed to be a ghost of my past. I’ve spent six years trying to let him go, to stop loving him, to stop thinking about him. All that anguish spent fighting the memory of him and here he is, in the flesh, in my tiny town.

“Why are you even here? What brings you to Baddock?” Billie continues.

“It wasn’t by choice, darlin’. This one’s the reason I’m here.” Landon gestures to me with his one free arm since his other is now in a sling. I wanted to be left the hell alone back there.”

“You don’t ‘darling’ me.” Billie leans onto the table to tower over him but Landon doesn’t seem intimidated. “Your boyish charms may work on the other ladies but they sure as shit ain’t flying here. I’m not asking you how you ended up in my goddamned tavern. I’m asking you why you’re in this goddamned town.”

“I wish I could fucking tell you,” Landon replies, rubbing his temples. “Look, things are a little foggy right now.”

I continue to dab disinfectant onto his facial wounds fighting every urge to have him hold me, to inhale him, to feel him. I want to thank the Universe for returning him to me. I want to be happy that he’s back but I realize the truth…

He’s not back, not really. He doesn’t look at me the way he used to. He’s not my Landon right now; Just some version of himself lacking the memories to make him mine.

And maybe there was a greater truth… Landon might not remember why he came to Baddock tonight, but I was pretty sure I knew.

He was here for me.

The only question was… Why? Was he in trouble? Was I?

“Look, Ma’am, I understand you’re upset. I have no clue what the fuck happened tonight. I’ve got a fucking concussion, I can barely remember my name, and your lecturing isn’t really helping ease the pain.”

Landon kicks his feet up on the table.

“You arrogant shit.”

“Billie!” I say. I have to stand to back her away from him. She’s gone red in the cheeks and I know she’s one to hit a man when the situation calls for it.

“This is my establishment, boy.”

“As you’ve said ten times before. And I’ll say again, I never asked to be brought here. I told this one to leave me out there.”

“Billie, stop. Stress won’t help his head trauma. Save it for tomorrow.”

“He’s not staying here, Lucy. If he can’t remember anything he should be in the hospital.”

“I’m not going to a goddamned hospital,” Landon said, his voice sending a shiver up my spine. I had to calm them both down before something bad happened.

“Trust me Billie. It’s ok. He’s been through a lot tonight. We all just need some rest.”

Billie narrows her eyes to me but finally relents to my pleas. “You best be believing you’ll be explaining yourself tomorrow when your memory’s working again. We’re a small, quiet town and we don’t need any of this bullshit being brought here.”

“Okay. I think he gets it.”

“He’s gonna hear it from me every time I see him until he leaves… Which is when exactly? Because I want you gone yesterday.” I choke. The thought of him leaving carries new weight for me to burden. He can’t just leave like that, not before we’ve talked this through and he remembers who I am!

“Ignore her,” I say quickly and guide Billie behind the bar to change the subject.

“No, you will not ignore me.”

“Billie, relax, please. Where’s Todd?”

“I sent him home once it quieted down. He’s doing a double shift tomorrow.”

The dull sound of the phone ringing in the office saves me from making small talk to calm her down further.

“Excuse me a second,” Billie says. “You keep him right there and be careful. Who knows what weapons he’s got on him.”

When she’s gone and the door clicks close, I look to Landon. He’s turned his attention to browsing through a well-read coffee table book called Beautiful National Parks of the United States.

I allow myself a moment to simply watch him, my chin cupped in my hand. I love how he’s aged. He’s a man now— The same boyish good looks but with a few more rugged lines that have come from what I’m sure are more hard years and experience within the motorcycle club he got involved with back in high school. His brow is strong, his hair is pulled back, and his chiseled jaw perfectly accentuates those cheekbones of his. He’s wearing only a black t-shirt and his jeans. It’s painful how attracted I am to him, even now… For a minute as I stand playing voyeur, it’s like a fantasy has come true; I’ve been offered the sweet power to peer into Landon’s life for a moment and know he’s okay. That’s until I remember I’m not just a fly on the wall. I’m here with him, actually in his life. Our worlds have collided again in the most bizarre way. I’m joyful and utterly terrified.

“I know this is kinda weird,” I pipe up before I’ve even thought through my idea, “but I have a sofa bed you’re welcome to take until you’re ready to get back on the road… Maybe you’ll, you know, remember things tomorrow… Billie’s gonna be a bitch about you staying here but I’d be happy to have you.”

Landon takes a sip of the beer I’d poured him because I didn’t know how else to busy myself. He reclines in his seat. “That’s real sweet of you but don’t put yourself out for me, honestly. I’ll find my way outta here somehow. You’ve done too much already.”

“Where will you go?”

At that, he lifts his eyebrows and tightens his lip. “I don’t know… Back to Portland. I think… My club… If I go back I think I can find them…”

He searches his mind for some more answers. I can tell he’s more frustrated by this than he’s letting on. I learned to read the signs of Landon’s inner distress early on in our relationship: The flared nostrils, the thousand yard stare, and the way he combs his fingers through his hair repeatedly. He doesn’t find the answers he’s looking for and leans forward to rest his forehead to his fisted hands.

I sidle in beside him again, wrapping my arm loosely around his shoulders. I like feeling the warmth of him against me. “Hey, it’s gonna be fine. You’re in shock. Tomorrow, things will come back.”

Landon lifts his deep blue eyes to me. He has creases in the outer corners that he never used to have. I can only hope they’ve been caused by a life of laughter he’s been living since I left. Then I glance down to the grey inked tattoo on his right arm that’s now fully finished. The way it accentuates his muscles is undeniably sexy. How I long for him to be able to see me through the same new eyes— To witness how I’ve grown into a woman. Would he be impressed?

“I’m really sorry we had to meet under these circumstances, Lucy,” he says in his deep cadence.

The lying is still so hard to do. Each time I go to speak, I send it through a filter of ‘Is this what a stranger would say to another stranger?’.

“M—Me too.”

“In another life, I like to think I could’ve taken you out, thanked you properly for what you’ve done for me tonight.”

I stick a final Band-Aid over a gash in his cheek. “Oh, really?” I smile at the alien sensation of butterflies awaken in my belly. “And what’s keeping you from doing that?”

“Well, unfortunately I—”

“Lucy! In here, please!” Billie interrupts. “Now.”

Inside the office, Billie has closed the door and is explaining to me how she’s going to call Ralph, the local cop.

“What the hell, Billie?” My jaw flexes. “It’s three in the morning. Don’t go waking him up for nothing!”

“He needs to know what’s going on here, Lucy. Why doesn’t Landon want to go to the hospital? That woman who dropped you two off told me he’s lying about his name. You don’t know who this man is. You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“I said to give him a break until tomorrow. Tomorrow! Wait until he has some memory, Billie. This is ridiculous. He has no idea what’s happening right now! You drag Ralph out of bed and then what happens? How’s Landon supposed to be questioned when he has no answers to give?”

“Maybe he’s lying so he can slither out of this mess he’s made.”

“He is not lying,” My voice is cold, aggressive and I might’ve just given too much away in how impassioned I sounded.

Billie studies me. “I’m doing what’s best, Lucy,” she says, grabbing the phone.

My fists clench at the thought Billie would do this. Ralph isn’t one for being lenient on out-of-towners. He’d probably arrest first and ask questions later.

“No,” I say, grabbing the phone out of Billie’s hands.

“Excuse me?”

“No, Billie. I’ll move him out of the tavern but there is no way I’m giving him over to Ralph until the guy knows what he’s doing here and where he’s from. I’m putting my foot down.”

“Why do you care so much, Lucy? He’s a stranger and not a nice one.”

“Do you see how worried he looks right now? He’s scared, he’s hurt, and he doesn’t remember a damn thing. He needs a night to sleep this off.”

Billie lowers her eyes and sighs. I’m winning her over.

“I’m gonna offer him my sofa until he feels ready to leave.”

“Oh, like hell you are. Not happening.”

“Listen. I’m giving him my sofa, and when he is better, we can figure out what to do next. But for now, you’re not going to call Ralph or anybody else.”

“He could be dangerous, Lucy. That man is a patched member of a motorcycle club. Did you see his jacket? He’s not some recreational bike enthusiast, Lucy. He’s a gang member. He looks rough— His tattoos, his whole look, the fact he doesn’t want to go to the freaking hospital! He’s bad news, baby girl. And worse news for you.”

“You’re reading too much into this. He’s just a guy who crashed his bike.”

“Look, I’ve lived a little more than you have, young lady,” she says. “You’ve been sheltered from how bad the world can be. I know how kind and loving you are and that you want to believe in people but trust me when I say that some people are born bad. Don’t get mixed up with his breed.”

A fire sparks in me. “Don’t condescend me. I’m not as innocent as you think I am.”

“Perhaps, but you are as naïve. With your Catholic upbringing…” A lie I told. “…I’m looking out for you, Lucy. Your love for helping people is a beautiful quality but only when you use it with good judgement.”

“I don’t wanna argue this anymore. If he’s not feeling better in the morning I’ll take him to hospital in the morning with Todd’s truck. I’ll be with him a few hours and if in that time I’m raped, murdered or otherwise then, well, you have my permission to write ‘I Told You So’ on my tombstone. But, like I said, that’s not going to happen.”

“I’m not the bad guy here, Lucy. Why the attitude?”

I roll my eyes and scoff. My heart palpitates with frustration and I turn to leave. This is a weird place to find ourselves— we never argue, ever. It feels wrong.

“Lucy!”

“Leave me alone, Billie. I am a grown adult and you’re not my mother. He’s staying the night and if you call Ralph about this, I’m quitting.”

I leave, shutting the office door behind me. In the tavern, Landon’s still sitting with his face in his hands. I make sure to step on one of the creaky floorboards to capture his attention.

He shoots awake, puffy eyed from the deep nap he must’ve drifted into. “You okay? I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Yeah, sweetheart. Just fell asleep.”

I fall with a sigh beside him and kiss him gently on his head to give him some comfort. He leans back a little from me.

I turn my face away as it blooms a hot blush across my cheeks. “I…I don’t know why I did that.” I have to stand up again and pace for a bit, pretending to rearrange some things on the walls like books and ornaments.

I hear him laugh a breathy laugh from behind me. “Landon, please don’t read into that.”

“Hey, darlin’. Don’t stress. It was sweet. Weird, sure, but sweet.” He laughs again. “Nice to know someone cares.” I inwardly scold myself.

Billie clears her throat to get my attention and reappears from the office, leading me a little away from Landon so he can’t hear us. “I have to go home now. Know that I don’t feel comfortable the way I’m leaving you right now. You two can stay here and I’ll know if you leave because I’ll check the security cameras. I’ll be back at six tomorrow.”

“Billie, I’m an adult. This is on me.”

“No, it’s not on you, actually. That blame would fall on me, your boss and best friend. Remember,” she starts to lower her voice to a whisper, “there’s the gun in the safe. Or the kitchen knives…Oh, maybe I shouldn’t leave the knives out—”

“—He’s not a serial killer, Billie. He isn’t. He’s sweet and normal and not going to bring any harm to me, I promise.”

“You got a crush on this dude or something?”

I twirl a strand of loose hair. “Pfft, yeah, that must be it,” I tell her sarcastically. “That bad boy charm.”

“I’ll text Todd for you and let him know what’s happening.”

“No!” I hiss. “I mean…No, thank you. It’d only complicate things. Please don’t tell him.”

“You need to be honest with him, baby girl. Don’t keep shit like this from him. This is serious.”

“We’re not together.”

“Doesn’t matter. He cares about you.”

“Well, I’ll tell him myself tomorrow.”

“I’m letting him stay, I’m texting Todd so he doesn’t get a shock in the morning,” she says, presenting her hands to me. “That’s the deal.” She grabs her coat from the hook and before I can complain further she holds her fingertips to my lips. “Landon, I’m heading home so I’ll leave you both to be mature adults and figure out what we’re going to do with you. My cell will be on the whole night if you need anything, Lucy. You got it?”

“Thank you.”

“Cheers for all your help, Billie. It’s real nice of you to let me stay.” Landon sounds genuine in his sentiment.

“Mm-hm. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She exits out the door, letting the cold evening breeze blow inside. I shiver.

Landon stands, stretching his one free arm then walks over to me. “Everything okay? You look upset.”

“Billie can just be a little overprotective. Sorry for her whole attitude.”

“Hey, look. I will do my best to find a way to leave ASAP. I don’t wanna burden you with my vegetable brain too much longer.”

“You really don’t remember anything at all? Do you? High school? Yesterday’s breakfast?”

Landon huffs to ease the tension and browses some wood-carved Californian animals on a shelf. “At this point, darlin’, I know my head hurts, I lived in Portland, and I ride on that wreck of a bike we left out there…” He trails off. Something on his hand catches his attention instead. I can make out a silver ring on his thumb that he examines a while. “And… There’s a girl in my life named Mia… Mia Rossi.” When he finishes talking, he looks at me and presents his hands as though to say ‘ta-da!’. But his trick hasn’t impressed me, not one bit.

A girl…. A girlfriend?

My chest constricts. I turn my expression away from him to hide my shock. I’ve never experienced such sudden heartbreak. I’m such a short-sighted idiot! Why did I never consider the possibility that he moved on from us? But I’m a hypocrite. I was out here leading Todd along like one day we’d be dating… Trying to forget Landon existed…

Maybe I needed to crash a motorcycle.

“W—What sparked you remembering her?” I stammer.

“This fuckin’ cheesy-as-shit ring is engraved with her name.”

My hands are visibly trembling and I have to hide them in the pockets of my jeans. I know if I try speak anymore, my words will come out shaky. This is a pain I can’t endure. I think of the two of them together, holding each other, telling her he loves her, maybe even talking about our secret. Would he lie to her about how much he loved me? Would he even mention me at all? I don’t know which would be worse.

“Well, who is she?”

“Think she’s my girlfriend… Or my wife. Ask me in the morning and maybe I’ll know,” he replied, glancing down at his hand again, then back up to my face.

“Lucy? You’ve gone a little pale.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. I’m fuckin’ sick of having all this attention on me. How ‘bout you tell me more about you?”

“I think you know most of it already,” I say truthfully.

“Oh, really? So all there is to a fascinating woman like you is that your name is Lucy and you work in a tavern. Oh, and you’re very persistent in your caring of tall, dark, handsome strangers.”

We make direct eye contact and it intimidates me. “Yep, that’s pretty much it.”

“What’re you into then?”

“Into?” I say and move back to sit in the booth.

“Hobbies, interests, whatever you do when you’re not working.”

“I mean, I paint and draw some. I hike.”

“Oh yeah? What d’you paint?”

“Anything. Impressionist portraits lately but I do landscapes too and sketches and stupid little collages with leaves and things like that.”

“I’d like to see them sometime.”

I smile. “Pfft, good luck with that. I don’t exactly enjoy showing people my work.”

“You sell ‘em?”

“Heck no,” I say, wide-eyed. “I’m not quite up to that standard yet.”

“Somehow, I think you’re underplaying yourself, Lucy.” Landon joins me on the seat and puts his arm around the backrest behind me.

We talk some more. Despite his lack of memory, Landon still has that charm and engagement in conversation that makes you feel like every word you say is important. Ninety-percent of the conversation is about me and art and painting and hiking. Usually, that would terrify me to have so much attention on me but not with him. With him, speaking about myself feels cathartic and significant.

I look up at the clock to see it’s now three o’clock in the morning.

“You wanna sleep?” Landon asks me softly. I shake my head. “Good.” His mouth parts to say something more but he backs off.

“What?”

“It’s…it’s nothin’.”

“Go on, say it.”

He purses his lips and lifts his eyes to mine. “Forgive me for how fuckin’ weird this sounds but can I just say I feel better when I talk to you.” His sincerity intimidates me. I lighten the mood with a soft punch of his arm and a playful ‘shut up’.

“I’m serious.”

He smiles again and the conversation continues, this time moving over other topics Landon seems to have no problem remembering… Harleys, Portland, and ‘Would you rather…?’ type questions.

It’s here in the dim amber glow of the tavern, laughing at Landon’s jokes, getting lost in his eyes, and feeling his breath near me that I find myself torn in two, utterly conflicted. I almost have him back…

And I don’t know how I’ll ever let him go again.