Twelve
Beth was told she needed to stay in hospital for a couple of days, there had been a problem with the placenta, and her baby had died in the womb. They gave her a blood transfusion and performed an operation. All this was a huge shock for such a young body. There was some doubt as to the damage that may have been caused. A grave looking doctor told her it was possible the trauma may have affected her future fertility.
Beth turned her face to the wall. What do I need with fertility? I’m never having sex again.
After her mum had gone, Beth glanced around the ward, observing her fellow occupants. A varied assortment of women. Opposite her there was a girl in her mid-twenties who had such severe morning sickness she was unable to keep any food down and was having to be monitored the whole time. If she was honest, Beth had little sympathy for her – at least she still had a baby inside her. Next to her was a married woman who it seemed was in for a similar operation to hers. Although it was clear from listening to her talk to her husband in hushed voices that, whilst her baby had also died, her operation had been planned, unlike Beth’s emergency dash. Lastly, there was a lady next to her who hadn’t stopped sobbing, and repeatedly told the nurses that she was forty-four and this might’ve been her last chance. It was the saddest place Beth had ever been. Infinite despair squeezed into four walls.
For the first time in ages, she was glad to have her sister with her. ‘I can’t think of babies whose hearts stop beating without thinking of you.’
‘It is my defining feature.’
‘Yes, I suppose it is.’ Beth continued, ‘I know you all see this miscarriage as a blessing in disguise, you all thought the baby was unwanted.’
‘We just thought you were a bit too young, that’s all.’
‘Maybe Mandy was unwanted to begin with but … not now. I want her now. I can’t stand it!’ There was an emptiness in Beth, a dreadful ache in the pit of her stomach that she feared only her baby could take away.
‘You’ll get over it.’
‘I won’t. You have no idea.’
‘I’m really sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘That you lost her. I know how much you wanted her. And …’
‘What?’
‘I’m sorry I told you to sleep with Mario. It was wrong of me.’
‘Blimey.’
‘Yeah, I know!’ Lisa paused. ‘I wish I could comfort you somehow, but … you know … I can’t do anything physical.’
‘Just having you here is nice.’
‘Shall I tell you about Alice in Wonderland?’
‘Yes, please.’
Beth fell asleep that night, her first in a hospital bed, cradling her empty belly, with tales of the white rabbit in her head.
It took Beth just over a year to accept the loss of her baby. The first few months were dedicated to recovering physically, her body had taken a battering. Then she moved on to emotional healing. She hardly went out, and spoke to no one but her family and Michelle.
As soon as possible, Pat went to Daphne’s and told them Beth wasn’t well enough to come to work. She didn’t tell Beth exactly what story she’d made up, but whatever ailment she’d invented for her daughter, it clearly did the trick. Kath had believed her, and promised Beth’s job would be there waiting for her when she recovered.
But Beth had no desire to work at Daphne’s. What if Mario came to visit? She sent a polite note, declining the invitation to return. With no job to go to, she wasn’t expected to be anywhere in particular, so she chose to be nowhere.
Pat switched her shifts around, she was often working nights. That way, Beth had either her mum or Nanna during the day and her dad around at night.
As usual, it was Nanna who dared to put her foot down. She was watching her favourite TV programme, a wildlife series, which focused on showing the candid life of a group of monkeys in the wild. Beth was watching it with her, amazed to see how fascinating she found it.
‘You need to think about a job, or something. It’s been over a year now. You’re healed.’
Of course, Beth disagreed. ‘I’m not healed. I’m …’
‘You’re as healed as you’re going to be, for now. I know how much this has hit you, and I know you’d got to a point where you wanted the baby, but … it’s gone. There’ll be other babies. Later. When the time’s right.’
Beth didn’t even bother correcting Nanna, she knew there would be no more babies. For a start, she was never going to let another man near her. ‘I’m just not ready to …’
‘You could do something part-time. You could go to college. We’ll all help you. But you can’t stay home any longer. Your mum is completely knackered from working too many nights. You’re going to waste your entire life away. There’s a whole world happening out there, and you’ve been hiding in this house too long.’
‘I’m not hiding. I just … I just don’t need to see anyone.’
‘You’re hiding!’ Nanna repeated.
‘You don’t understand. I even prayed. I prayed like mad that my baby would be OK, and what happened to her? They scraped her out of me. I read about it in one of Mum’s medical books. That’s what they did. Scraped out the “products remaining from the pregnancy”, and that included her.’
‘I’m sorry, darling. I know how tough this was on you, but I still don’t think you ought to be giving up on life at the tender age of eighteen. There’s so much waiting for you out there.’
Beth looked at the TV screen, a mummy monkey carried her baby on her back. When will this pain end?
‘These wee creatures know all about hardship. You’d be surprised what they have to put up with.’
‘Nanna, I don’t get what you like about this programme. They’re just monkeys, surely?’
‘Absolutely not. They all have their own lives. It’s pure drama, darling. I tell you, it gives Coronation Street a run for its money.’
‘If you say so.’
‘Fancy a cuppa?’ Nanna rose from the sofa.
‘But … your programme’s not finished.’ Beth nodded towards the screen, where the largest of the monkeys appeared to be flinging poo.
‘Oh, I’m happy to miss this bit, I can’t stand that bloody Nelson, he’s far too big for his boots.’ Nanna left the room.
As soon as she’d gone, Lisa took up the baton. ‘She’s right, you know, there’ll be more babies. You’ll get other chances, and you’ll …’
‘I won’t!’ Beth wondered how her entire family seemed happy to believe she would one day have another baby. ‘I DO NOT plan to have sex again. I mean it – NEVER. You know that, Lisa. Or, at least, you should do, I’ve told you often enough. Besides which – you were there! You saw how bad sex was.’
Lisa sighed. ‘I keep telling you, they can’t all be as crap as Mario.’
‘I’m not taking any chances.’
‘Beth, it’s bad enough being locked up inside your head. But now I’m locked up inside your head, which is locked up inside this house. I’m going mad in here. Stark raving MAD! You let our eighteenth birthday go by without any celebration. If you don’t get your act together, it’ll be our nineteenth and our twentieth. Before we know it, we’ll be twenty-one and holding the key to the door. But what door? What door do you want to open?’
‘I don’t know.’ Beth shook her head. ‘Shush now. It’s still too soon.’
‘Well, let me out, then. Let me go out and have fun. Please, I’m begging you.’
‘I can’t risk it. You won’t let me back.’
‘Not that again,’ Lisa snarled.
‘Yes, that again. What about when I was in hospital, losing my beautiful baby. You didn’t offer to swap then, did you? Oh no, you let me go through that alone.’
‘That’s not fair. I was there for you the whole time you were in that stinking ward. I was even nice to you. Remember?’
After a second, Beth agreed. ‘I suppose you were, yes. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said I was alone. Now you mention it, you were nice, it was unnerving. But I see you’ve not made a habit of it.’
‘I did feel awful for you that night. I know it was the most frightening time of your life. Even worse than watching Charlie nearly drown.’
Beth decided it was best to allow Lisa to believe this statement, it suited her to do so. Of course, the night she lost her baby had been horrendous. But it had not been the most frightening time of her life. That had actually been the day her sister had taken over her body, and she’d feared she wasn’t going to get it back. Even the ambulance ride, during which she’d bled profusely, had been preferable. Thinking that an innocent ten-year-old boy was going to die right there in front of her eyes had been easier to deal with. Nothing compared to the cold hard fear of being trapped in Lisa’s place. The more Beth thought about it, the more she knew, swapping with Lisa was a hell she never wanted to face again. But some truths are just too powerful to give voice to.
Each time Lisa asked to come out, claiming she just wanted to truly eat something or properly listen to music, begging to experience life without the muffled sound and greased lens that she regrettably had to view the world through, Beth had to refuse. She couldn’t forget being imprisoned in the farthest corner of her own mind, and she knew she never wanted to return there.
At night, Beth dreamed of the terrifying place where Lisa lived. Now she’d experienced it first-hand she was haunted by its depth and solitude. Lisa’s place had choked her. Never before, or since, had she experienced such all-encompassing claustrophobia. Since the day of the swap, she’d repeatedly asked herself if it might have been kinder to have let her sister die.
Fear and sadness were causing Beth to live a half-life. In fact, she might well have spent the rest of her days locked away from the world, and Lisa might have spent the rest of hers like a Russian doll, trapped within a mind, within a house. If it were not for Nanna’s winning Premium Bond. And who else would she spend her winnings on, other than her granddaughter?
‘I won’t take it, Nanna. It’s yours. Spend it on yourself.’
‘What the heck would I spend it on? I don’t need anything.’
‘You must do. There must be something you want?’
‘Well, now you mention it, yes, there is.’
‘Good. Well I suggest you buy that. What is it?’ Beth looked questioningly at Nanna.
‘I want my granddaughter to go on a fabulous trip abroad.’
‘Oh, for goodness sake.’ Beth shook her head. ‘It’s not that I’m not grateful for the offer. I am. Honestly, I am. But …’
‘I don’t need anything. I’m all set. All I want is to see you happy. The first thing I thought when the cheque arrived was “This money could help Beth”. Please let me pay for a little trip somewhere. You could go somewhere like Australia. There’s no language to learn there. Just for a few months. Get right away from here. Stop worrying about bumping into that stupid boy who got you into this mess. Stop hiding from the staff at the hairdressers. I want you to live again, darling.’
‘Nanna’s talking sense, Beth. You should take the money.’
‘Of course, you think I should take the bloody money. You just want to get me as far away as possible and then you want to badger me to let you come out. As if I’m going to take advice from you, Lisa!’
Nanna was waiting.
‘It’s very generous of you, but … I’m scared. In fact, I’m petrified.’
‘I know you are. Who wouldn’t be? But I won’t watch you waste your life. You need to get away from here and be a regular eighteen-year-old girl. If I can make that happen, I’ll die happy.’
‘NANNA! Don’t talk like that!’
Pulling her granddaughter close, Nanna apologised. ‘I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to upset you. But none of us knows when our time is up. Look at my poor Malcolm; far too soon.’ She shook her head. ‘All I mean is, if you let me pay for a trip to Australia, and it helps in some way to make you whole, then I’ll be more than happy. That, for me, would be getting my money’s worth.’
Beth snuggled into her. Inhaled her sweet, familiar scent. ‘Can I think about it?’
‘Of course.’
‘Did you really win enough money?’
‘Enough for two tickets and a bit of spending money. Do you think Michelle would be able to go with you?’
‘Michelle?’
‘Yes. I wasn’t thinking of sending you alone.’
Oh Nanna, you have no idea. I never go anywhere alone!
‘You need to think about it. Talk to Michelle. If the two of you can get together a little bit of emergency money to fall back on, I reckon I’ve got enough for the flights and a good couple of months over there. Nothing fancy, mind. Just those hostel things they have.’
‘It does sound exciting.’
‘Yes. It does. If I were your age, I’d go like a shot.’
‘You should come, Nanna. I don’t mind who I go with. You’d be just as much fun as Michelle.’
Nanna laughed. ‘It’s lovely of you to say that, but I think we both know my days of gadding about are over. I’d never manage the flight for a start.’
Beth didn’t want to hear her nanna talk about getting older. It was something she chose not to contemplate. ‘Shush now. You’re talking nonsense.’
‘You are going to seriously think about it though?’
‘Yes, I am.’
‘Good.’
‘Nanna …?’
‘Yes, darling.’
‘You’re amazing, you know that, don’t you?’