Forty-five
Michelle tucked into her lunch with gusto. Beth, on the other hand, picked at her food, pushing it around the plate. All the time, in the back of her mind, she replayed that tiny action. Over and over she watched Michelle touch her tummy. She’d seen a hundred women make that move. She’d seen Michelle do it last time. She’d even done it herself with Mandy. There was no doubt in her mind.
Michelle was chatting about this and that. The new wallpaper she and Ricky were thinking about getting for Solomon’s bedroom, the stiffness in her mum’s pelvis. She rambled on, seemingly oblivious to the fact her friend wasn’t reacting.
Beth rose abruptly from the table. ‘Shall we have wine with lunch? What do you think?’
‘I … I’m driving.’ Michelle’s response was swift.
‘Oh yes, of course. You could have one glass though. A small glass. You do love a drink!’
‘Better not. Don’t want to get done for drink driving.’ Michelle smiled. Hoping she’d gotten away with it.
Beth tried to return her smile, but her face felt as if it might crack, just like back in Bondi when it was dry and painfully tight. Her false grin began to slip. She was trying really hard to project a happy person. She’d been projecting that person for three years. But now, now she was in serious trouble. No longer able to pretend. Something in her face gave it all away to her perceptive friend.
Michelle was mortified. She took hold of Beth’s hand. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. If I could make it so this was happening to you instead of me, I would. You know I would.’
Beth stared ahead. Numb with pain.
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Michelle dissolved into sobs.
She knew it was awful, but Beth wanted to take the baby that was growing inside Michelle and place it lovingly inside her own womb. She could tell it, ‘It’s OK, you’re home. Mummy’s here.’
So many people had happily announced they were pregnant, and gone on to have a healthy, strong baby. She’d tried to deal with the disappointment in her own way. And now this, Michelle was having another baby! Solomon was only seven months old. Beth wanted to scream. Who decides all this? Who’s in charge of this madness? How can this be happening?
‘Look, maybe I should go? Give you time to …’ Michelle rose from her seat.
‘OK.’ It was all Beth could say. It was a croaky sound.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow. To see how you are.’ Michelle made her way towards the hall.
At the front door, she kissed Beth gently on the cheek. ‘I’m sorry. We didn’t do this on purpose. It was an accident.’
Another one! Did that make it better or worse? Beth summoned up all her energy and managed to say, ‘Congratulations.’
Michelle left. Back to Ricky and Solomon. Back to being able to talk excitedly about the surprise baby.
Beth lost her legs, and fell to the floor where she stood.
When it became clear James had no intention of returning any time soon, she made her way upstairs and crawled under the duvet, fully clothed. Even though it was only 4 p.m., and it would be several hours before it got dark, a cloud had settled over her head, and this was enough of an invitation for her to take to her bed.
Once there, she cried so hard she couldn’t get the air into her lungs quick enough.
Despite his absence, Beth shouted at her husband, and let rip with a tirade of abuse. ‘Why do you have to be such an awkward bastard, James Collier?’ ‘Can’t you see how much this is breaking me?’ ‘How many bloody appointments have I had to phone up and cancel?’
‘Too many.’ For once, Lisa was totally in agreement with her sister.
‘Why can’t he be a man and step up?’
‘He’s a git, a useless moron, a coward …’
‘I’ve begged him to come with me. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told him the doctor needs to see both of us.’
‘… a liar, a dick …’ Lisa was enjoying herself.
‘And now, when I need him, when I think I might just die of misery, where is he? He’s down the pub!’
‘A c…’ Lisa’s name-calling stopped abruptly. ‘Yeah … maybe.’
‘What do you mean, “maybe”?’
‘You heard Michelle, didn’t you? She wasn’t convinced he was doing something as innocent as chatting in a pub. She knows something, that woman does.’
‘Do you think? It’s all such a mess. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Give him the boot. Kick him out. Honestly, he’s no good.’
‘But …’ Beth sighed. ‘He’s my husband. I know he’s scared of a sperm test. But I love him, and if I could just get a baby, I’d be happy. I know I would.’
‘I don’t think even a baby could fix this.’
‘You’re wrong. A baby could fix everything.’ Beth continued to cry until exhaustion took over.
She was woken abruptly by a drunk James crashing into the bedroom. He crept into bed next to her and made an attempt to snuggle up. ‘Sorry about lunch.’
‘Lunch?’
‘Yeah, sorry I missed it.’
‘Lunch was hours ago.’
‘And it was your fucking idea in the first place.’ Lisa was as angry as Beth.
‘I got talking.’
‘For …’ Beth squinted at the numbers on the bedside clock, ‘nine hours?’
‘I guess so. Was it nice to see Michelle and Ricky and the baby?’
‘No.’
‘No?’ James reached over and switched the bedside light on. ‘What’s up? Why wasn’t it nice?’
Beth caught sight of his face. It was bruised, and his lip was swollen. ‘James, what the hell’s happened?’
He reached up and touched his face. ‘This?’
‘Yes, that? What happened?’
‘I owed a fella some money. He didn’t fancy waiting.’
‘What fella? How much money?’ Beth couldn’t cope with this information on top of Michelle’s news.
‘Just some bloke. He’s an arsehole. I’ll pay him once I get my wages. Forget it.’ He switched the subject back to lunch. ‘Why didn’t you have a nice time?’
She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. She knew she’d start crying again.
‘BETH, WHY?’
‘All right, don’t shout.’
‘Did Michelle say something?’ James sounded worried.
‘She came alone, and … she had news.’
‘News?’
‘Don’t make me spell it out. She had BIG NEWS!’
He worked it out. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why are you sorry? Did you get her p … pregnant?’ The word just about made it out of her mouth.
‘No. Of course not. I’m just sorry.’
‘For me?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry for you that it’s not you who’s pregnant.’
‘Don’t be sorry for me. Just agree to come to the doctor.’
‘I will. The next appointment you can get. I promise.’ He tried to take her into his arms.
After a few seconds of refusing, she gave in and allowed his embrace. Taking one last look at his face, she switched off the bedside light, wondering, how much money do you need to owe someone to get a beating like that?
Beth listened as the specialist gave them the results.
‘As you know, Mr Collier, we always advise testing the man first. It’s such an easy procedure for the chaps.’
‘Well, he clearly never found it a friggin’ easy procedure!’ Lisa criticised.
‘It’s rather lucky we didn’t begin any intrusive tests on you, Mrs Collier. Looking at these figures, I’d say we can definitely put our finger on the problem.’
Beth looked at James. His jaw was clenched. His eye was twitching.
The doctor proceeded to explain the array of numbers printed on the sheet in front of them. ‘So, as I say, Mr Collier, it’s not that you’re not producing sperm, far from it. But … well, the problem is their mobility and … sense of direction, shall we say?’
Lisa was annoyed. ‘They’re all running around like tiny headless chickens, just like him!’
‘Shush, it’s not his fault.’
‘How long has he made you wait to find out this little gem?’
‘I said shush. I’m trying to listen to the specialist, you know I can’t listen to you at the same time.’
‘I’m just saying, you could’ve been told this two years ago. He’s an idiot.’
Beth tried her hardest to concentrate on the doctor’s advice. ‘So, you think IVF is our best option?’
‘Yes. There are other things we could try … but … I’d say IVF would give you the greatest chance of success.’
‘But isn’t it expensive?’ James pouted.
‘You may qualify for one free try on the NHS. I’ll look into it, and my secretary will write to you as soon as possible. I’m afraid it all comes down to your postcode.’ The doctor stood, preparing to shake hands.
Taking the hand he offered, Beth said, ‘It’s good to know there might be something we can do. Thank you for your time.’
James refused to take part in the handshaking. Choosing instead to say, ‘Yeah, thanks,’ before shuffling out of the door.
There was a silence as they drove home. Beth could tell he was upset. He’d been absolutely convinced the problem lay firmly with her. He must be feeling stupid.
‘Well … go on, say it.’
‘James, I don’t want to argue.’
‘No, but we will. You’re dying to say you told me so. You can’t wait to hurl blame at me.’
She shook her head. ‘I just wanted answers. I just wanted to know what we had to do to get a baby. It was never about apportioning blame. I just …’
‘Right, well, if you won’t say it, then I will. It’s all my fault.’ He banged the steering wheel causing the horn to sound.
‘What does it matter whose fault it is? We might qualify for a free go at IVF. We might be pregnant soon. It’s a positive step forward.’
‘It’s just one more thing I fucked up.’ He looked as if he was about to cry.
Shocked at his behaviour, Beth asked, ‘What do you mean “one more thing”? You don’t fuck up. You’re a good husband. You’ll be a good dad. Why are you angry?’
James shook his head. ‘I’m not what you think. Perhaps if you weren’t so trusting …’
‘WHAT?’
‘You shouldn’t be this easy to fool, that’s all I’m saying.’
Her heart began hammering in her chest. ‘Why are you saying those things? They’re horrible. Why would you turn on me, now, when we finally have a plan?’
There was a moment’s silence, he seemed to be trying to compose himself. Abruptly, drawing in a deep breath, he said, ‘I’m sorry. I’m talking nonsense. It’s just my pride.’
‘But …’
‘I hate that it’s been my fault all this time. You’re absolutely right. We have a plan now. We’ll be fine.’ Taking his left hand off the steering wheel for a second, he grabbed hold of her hand. ‘We’ll get a baby, sweetheart.’
She gave a weak smile.
‘You’re leaving it there? You’re not going to insist he tell you what the hell that was all about? You’re not even a tiny bit intrigued to know what you’ve been “easily fooled” about? You’re unbelievable, you are!’
‘We’re so close, Lisa. I can’t rock the boat.’
‘Fine. Well, may I suggest you get your life jacket on. One of these days we’re all going overboard.’