Eight
The first thing that bothered Beth was that Mario seemed to be ‘ready’ rather too quickly for her liking. From the limited knowledge she possessed, she’d been led to believe she would be all revved up and desperate by the time the actual act took place.
Unfortunately, it was impossible to be revved up after the small amount of fumbling she’d experienced on Kath and Beppe’s brown corduroy sofa.
‘Are you ready?’
‘Um …’
‘Good.’ Mario began pulling down her knickers.
‘Um …’
‘It’s going to be great. I ‒’
‘Do you have a condom?’
‘What?’ There were signs of alarm on his face.
‘We need one, don’t we?’ Beth had heard about sexually transmitted diseases once or twice, but she had no clue what they truly were. All she knew was, people said you should make the man wear a condom if you didn’t want to die or get pregnant.
‘I thought you were on the pill?’
She grabbed her knickers and yanked them back up. ‘Why? Why would you think that?’
‘All girls are on the pill, aren’t they?’ Mario scowled.
‘No.’
‘Well, I’d have thought you’d have started taking it by now. I’ve arranged all this. I’m very disappointed.’
‘For goodness sake, Beth. You’re ruining it!’ Lisa scolded.
‘I thought you weren’t going to watch?’
‘I’m not watching. But I can hear you making a fool of yourself. You’re acting like a bloody baby.’
If Beth had simply told Lisa to butt out, she would have come to her senses and drop kicked that stupid boy right into the next week. But stupidly she allowed herself to be swayed by her sister. Lisa told her she didn’t want Mario to be disappointed. If he was unhappy, he’d no doubt go and sleep with one of the other girls who were offering themselves so readily. Afraid of losing what she now considered to be her one true love, Beth took a decision, the kind of decision that certainly shouldn’t be left to a naïve sixteen-year-old girl.
She found herself saying the ludicrous words, ‘I think I read that you can’t get pregnant the first time.’
Mario looked surprised. ‘Oh yeah, I read that too,’ he lied.
‘So, I guess the only thing we have to worry about are these diseases.’ She figured she ought to bring them up.
‘Well I know I don’t have any. Do you?’
‘Oh God, no.’
‘Right, then.’ His hand made its way back to her knickers.
The whole event was over within a couple of minutes. It was excruciatingly painful. Every thrust caused her to flinch. It was also rather messy; the magazines had failed to prepare her for that! Beth could not for the life of her see why anyone would wish to repeat the process.
Mario seemed keen to do it again, before Kath and Beppe came home. Fortunately, Beth was able to remind him it was only the first time that a girl couldn’t get pregnant, so they mercifully didn’t go ahead with round two.
With no food on offer, and little else to do, it wasn’t long before Beth decided to head home. As she left the house, Mario kissed her briefly on the lips. ‘Cheers for that.’
She wanted to say, ‘I love you.’ She wanted him to tell her he loved her too. But it was all a bit awkward and forced.
‘Should I tell him I love him, Lisa?’
‘No way!’
‘But …’
‘Boys are different once they’re in a sexual relationship. Just act cool.’
Beth walked away. It didn’t even cross her mind to question how Lisa would know this.
Heading home, she figured she ought to be a bit more jubilant. Surely I should be excited? I’ve ‘made love’. I’m a woman now. But in reality her fanny was sore and she’d just experienced a huge anti-climax.
‘Well that was shit.’ Lisa voiced Beth’s disappointment.
‘It was private. I asked you not to hang around.’
‘I thought it would be interesting. If I’d known how crap it was going to be, I’d never have talked you into doing it in the first place!’
The next couple of times they met, Beth managed to avoid sex. But it was difficult to put Mario off. A week after she had so unceremoniously lost her virginity, they were in the park, and he asked if they could ‘do it’. She tried changing the subject, but seventeen-year-old boys have strong urges when it comes to these things.
‘Didn’t you like it?’
She knew if she told him what she really thought he’d leave her for sure. So she told a slight lie. ‘Yes, of course it was …’ She searched her mind for phrases from the magazines, ‘… wonderful. I’ve never felt closer to you.’
‘Good …’ His hand snaked up her skirt.
‘But I haven’t been to the Family Planning Clinic yet. I’m scared Mum and Dad will …’
With a sickly grin, Mario held up a small square package. On closer inspection, she saw it was a condom.
Bugger! She forced a smile. ‘Great!’
He began unzipping his jeans, ready to slip into the recently acquired condom.
Beth was torn. If she told him what she truly thought – that she really didn’t want to have sex again, he would leave her and, no doubt, badmouth her to his mates. But the alternative seemed to be to endure more of the same, only this time there was the added turn off of a rubber jacket.
The seconds ticked by. As Mario fumbled with his jeans, Lisa shouted in her ear, ‘You’re not going to do it again, are you? For fuck’s sake! Don’t you remember how bad it was?’
‘I … um.’
‘Tell him to get lost.’
‘I’ll lose him.’
‘Some loss!’
‘But … I love him.’
‘No, you don’t!’
‘But we agreed ‒ he’s exotic, he’s sexy, he’s …’
The sound of Lisa’s cruel laughter filled Beth’s head. ‘You idiot, he’s none of those things. Ditch him!’
‘I thought you wanted me to be in love?’
‘Um … yeah, I thought I did too. But that was before we found out sex with Mario was crap. He’s been playing you like a game of charades at Christmas. If you do it, you’re an even bigger mug than I thought.’
Beth couldn’t bear her sister’s judgemental tone. By now she was extremely confused. Had she really loved Mario or had she just been tricked by Lisa? All she knew for sure was she didn’t want to have sex. Placing her hand over his fly, she said, ‘Actually, please stop doing that. I don’t want to have sex in a park. I’ve told you already.’
Anger flashed across Mario’s face. ‘You want me to wait until my dad and step-mum aren’t home, is that what you’re saying? ’Cos, they only just went out last week, they won’t be going again for ages.’
She shook her head. ‘No. I don’t mean that. I guess what I’m saying is …’
He shoved the condom back in his pocket and fumbled to do up his fly. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying I don’t want to have any more sex. Not for a while, anyway.’
‘Why the hell not?’ His face took on a mean snarl.
‘It wasn’t what I’d expected … I …’
Mario’s pride was hurt. Standing, he declared, ‘You’re just a kid. You don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘I’m nearly seventeen. I’m not a kid.’
‘Well, you’re acting like one now.’ He began walking away. Shuffling his feet with resentment.
‘Don’t go … please.’ Beth reached out for him, panicking.
‘Look, if you don’t want to sleep with me, that’s fine. I’ve gotta go now.’
‘Will I see you back here tomorrow?’
‘Maybe,’ Mario called over his shoulder.
‘I’m going to lose him!’
‘Some loss. He’s a dickhead. Let him go.’
Beth was getting ready to meet Mario in the park. She wasn’t sure he’d be there, but she planned to go to their usual spot, at their usual time, and hoped she’d get the chance to talk to him. ‘Maybe I’ll just tell him I still want us to go out, but … no more sex.’
‘I have no idea why you’re bothering with him.’
‘Perhaps if I leave it a while and then try, the sex will get better.’
‘How do you work that one out?’ Lisa scoffed.
Beth shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I just can’t believe it was so bad. Michelle told me she’s sleeping with her boyfriend and she seems to quite like it.’
‘Why do you even want to keep seeing him? He’s a prick.’
‘I told you already. I can’t just stop seeing him. He’s my boyfriend. He’s sexy and nice and …’
‘He’s neither of those things. Admit it. You know deep down that he’s a useless boyfriend. You’re just worried about what he’s going to tell people.’
‘I hate to think of him talking to his mates about me. Boasting he slept with me and then we split up. Or worse, telling people I’m frigid.’
‘Beth, you’re such a bloody people pleaser. Who gives a shit what the stupid prat tells people?’
‘I just wanted to be in love. Like the magazines said …’
‘Well it ain’t gonna happen with that idiot boy. You must see that, surely?’
‘Fine. But I still have to meet him. I have to be sure he’s not going to gossip about me behind my back.’
‘Just say – if he tells a single one of his cronies that you and he shagged, you’ll tell the whole world that he’s crap at it.’
‘Maybe everybody is crap at it. Maybe that’s just what sex is like.’
‘The human race would’ve died out hundreds of years ago.’
‘I guess so.’
‘Right. We’re agreed. You’re gonna tell him to keep his big mouth shut. Yes?’
‘It’s all right for you. You don’t have to speak to him. You’re full of bravado because you don’t have to face him! It’s easy for you, isn’t it? You get to sit back there, wherever it is you actually are, and tell me what to do. You act like everything is easy. You’ve never had to DO anything. How would you like to go and talk to Mario and tell him a few home truths?’
‘I’d love it. I’d love to do anything.’
‘Well you bloody well go then!’
‘OK.’ There was excitement in Lisa’s voice.
‘Pardon?’
‘OK, I’ll go instead of you.’
‘You can’t … I wasn’t …’
‘How do we know? We’ve never really tried.’ The excitement was building. ‘Why don’t you let me out?’
‘Let you out. What the hell does that mean?’
‘Let me be in charge for a change. I’ll talk to him. I’ll tell him what he needs to know. You can watch from the wings.’
‘Do you actually think it’s possible?’
‘It is possible. I mean … maybe it is.’
‘But you have to …’
‘What?’
‘You know what, Lisa. You have to let me back out.’
There were a couple of seconds in which Lisa was utterly silent.
‘Did you hear me? You must let me back out. OK?’
‘Huh? Yeah. Of course.’ Lisa sounded distracted.
Beth wasn’t expecting it to work. But the thought of her sister speaking to Mario for her was a nice idea. At least it would mean she didn’t have to face him. ‘OK, what do I do?’
‘I don’t know. I guess you just let yourself go.’
‘Go where?’
‘Not go where, you idiot. Just kind of relax. Close your eyes and let your mind … go.’
Beth lay on her bed and duly closed her eyes. She tried for a second to ‘let go’. ‘Nothing’s happening.’
‘Because you’re resisting. Find the deepest corners of your mind, and go there.’
‘This is nuts.’ Beth’s eyes sprung open.
‘DO IT!’
‘All right, bossy boots.’ Beth closed her eyes again. She imagined her mind as a large dimly lit room. With determination, she took herself towards one of the corners. Inexplicably, the noises in her bedroom began to fade; the ticking clock became quieter and the sound of ‘Grumpy Jack’s’ persistent mower dimmed. She was falling, her hands clutched at the bedclothes. Sounds were beginning to echo around her head and she wasn’t sure she liked it.
‘That’s it. You’re doing it.’ Lisa sounded different. Closer. Clearer.
‘I don’t like it. I don’t want to …’ Beth tried to open her eyes. She tried to sit up. She wanted the experiment to stop. But, disturbingly, she found she had absolutely no control over her own body.
Suddenly, her eyes were opened, and her body was rising from the bed. But it wasn’t her doing. Her body stumbled over towards the full-length mirror on the wall. She walked like a new born foal. She could see herself in the mirror. But it was like she was watching from a distance. The colours, the shapes, everything was less intense. It was her body, it looked no different. But if she stared hard into the eyes, she could see a change. She was no longer in charge of this body. Lisa was!
Then Lisa spoke. ‘Oh my God. This is amazing. I’d forgotten ‒’
‘Please don’t shout.’ Lisa’s voice was loud. Too loud. It boomed all around Beth.
‘I’m not shouting. That’s just how I sound. You’re always loud to me.’
Beth felt her body move around the room. Gradually Lisa became more able. The stumbling stopped and she seemed to have better control over the limbs.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Changing clothes. I fancy something a bit more exciting.’ Lisa was rummaging through the wardrobe.
‘OK. But … not that skirt. I hate it. It’s too short and my legs look ‒’
‘Shush. I like it.’
Beth could do nothing as, over the next half hour, Lisa changed her clothes several times and applied some seriously over the top make-up. She was having fun and Beth’s protests were falling on deaf ears.
‘Right. What do you think?’ Lisa walked over to the mirror to give Beth a good view.
‘I look like a tart.’
‘No, no, dear sister. I look like a tart.’ Lisa giggled.
Beth tried her hardest to control the mounting panic. But there was no way of telling where she was. She could have been an inch away or a mile. Her sense of smell had almost gone, as had her sense of touch. Everything Lisa did was diminished. It was like trying to chew a toffee with the wrapper on. Worst still, it was like being submerged in water, one of her biggest fears. Was this how life had been for her twin all this time? No sooner had she thought it than Lisa confirmed it for her. ‘It’s really bright, the colours are amazing. You’re so lucky.’
‘I think we should swap back now. I’ll be all right talking to Mario. You can coach me. I’ll be OK. I think we should ‒’
‘Honestly. It’s no bother. I promised I’d do this for you, and I will.’
If Lisa sensed how trapped and frightened Beth was, it was just possible she would keep her in there longer, she could be spiteful when she wanted to. Beth concluded it was probably best to play along. ‘OK. Well, I’m grateful to you for going for me.’
‘I absolutely love it out here. Mind if I try eating something before we go?’
‘Go ahead. I can recommend cheese and onion crisps.’ Beth could hear the wobble of fear in her voice, she wondered if Lisa had spotted it too. Perhaps if she let Lisa have a nice afternoon ‘out’, she’d swap back without any trouble. But on the other hand, what if she didn’t?