Fifty-six
Once Nanna was moved onto a ward, they decided to alternate their visits. Pat and Don had taken the first opportunity, now it was Beth’s turn.
Entering the ward, she scanned the beds. All the occupants seemed to be motionless, not one of them appeared capable of sitting up. She spotted Nanna in the bed at the end. Moving the cumbersome visitors chair up as close to the bed as possible, she took off her coat and sat down.
Taking hold of Nanna’s delicate hand, she whispered, ‘Hello, it’s me.’
Nanna’s expression didn’t change.
Beth spoke louder. ‘Can you hear me?’ Again, she stared into Nanna’s face, hoping for a flicker of recognition.
It was like Nanna was asleep. Except … if Beth was honest, there was something different about her face. It was blank, less animated than before. Also, one eye was ever so slightly open, and her mouth seemed to hang down a little on the same side.
Pat had warned Beth that when they’d been to visit, Nanna had still been unable to wake up. But she’d made a point of saying they all needed to keep talking to her. ‘There’s much evidence that after a stroke people can still hear what’s going on around them. Dad and I kept things as positive as possible during our visit. Please do the same, if you can. Try not to let her know how upset you are, OK?’
Beth had agreed. But that had been on the telephone. Now she was here, and Nanna was right in front of her, and she was very different from the funny dynamic person they all knew so well. It wasn’t going to be easy to sound positive.
‘You’re not going to tell her your husband has blown all the IVF money, are you?’
‘Lisa, please? This is hard enough as it is without you putting your oar in.’
‘I’m just checking. I know how you like to wallow in your own guilt. You might think you need to get it off your chest.’
‘What good would it do? Look at her. I don’t want to break her heart on top of everything else.’
‘I quite agree. … I mean, you don’t want to upset her. This might be the last time you see her.’
‘Lisa!’
‘Well, it might be.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Beth, she doesn’t look well. You’ve got to admit it.’
‘She’s going to be fine.’ Beth squeezed Nanna’s hand. All the time fighting back tears because she’d promised her mum. ‘You’re going to be all right, aren’t you, Nanna?’ She waited, expecting some response. When none came, she ploughed on. ‘You just need a bit more sleep, that’s all it is. You have a little nap and soon … soon …’ She stopped. ‘I can’t do it, Lisa. I’ve let her down so badly.’
‘You haven’t let her down. He has!’
Beth tried again. ‘Now then, Mum said I was to tell you all my news. I’m fine. I was unbelievably grateful for the money you gave us … and … I’m looking forward to …’
‘Why have you stopped?’
‘I hate lying to her.’ Beth gently stroked Nanna’s hair away from her eyes, and said, aloud, ‘Everything should be so different. You should be awake and excited, and I should be telling you all about my appointment. Instead, you’re fast asleep and James has taken ‒’
‘I thought you weren’t going to tell her.’
‘I’m not. I just can’t believe how awful everything is.’ Beth whispered, ‘Please wake up, Nanna. I know I could cope with the disappointment if you could just talk to me.’
Nanna’s appearance remained the same. There was no way of knowing if she’d heard any of it.
‘I’ll never forget what you tried to do for me.’
Out of Nanna’s partially open eye, a tear made its way silently down her pale face.
‘I’ve upset her.’
‘I think it’s just the way her eye is. At least, if she dies, she’ll never know what a knob James has been.’
‘She can’t die!’
‘Whether we like it or not, I think she might. And you’re lucky, at least you ‒’ Lisa stopped abruptly.
‘At least I what?’
‘Well … at least you had her. I never even got to say hello, never mind goodbye.’
Beth thought for a second before offering, ‘Why don’t you say it now?’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, tell her all about yourself. I’ll wait in your place.’ Without further discussion and before she had time to change her mind, Beth closed her eyes and took herself to the furthest corner of her mind. She felt herself travel backwards, away from Nanna and the hospital bed. The sounds of the ward grew dim, the antiseptic smell faded. Then, she was back in Lisa’s place.
‘Hello, Nanna. I’m Lisa. We’ve never properly met, and yet I’ve loved you for as long as Beth has. I know every detail of your face. This isn’t going to make a whole lot of sense to you, but the thing is, Beth and I began life together. We were twins, but then, well, I’m sorry to say that I died. But she didn’t want to let me go, so she shared her life with me. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I’ve been here all the time. I was there for every conversation, every game. Whenever you gave money to Beth and told her she could buy sweets, you gave it to me too. I’ve loved you forever, Nanna. I’m your other granddaughter.’
Speaking to Beth, Lisa said, ‘It sounds nuts when you say it out loud, doesn’t it? I realise now why you couldn’t tell them.’
‘It does sound strange, yeah. I guess we just took it all for granted.’
‘Do you think she heard me?’
‘I don’t know. But I’m pleased you told her.’
‘What else shall I say?’ Lisa asked.
‘Take your time, maybe remind her of the things you liked best about our childhood. There’s no rush. I’m all right back here.’ Beth wasn’t really all right, she was battling the now familiar claustrophobia of Lisa’s place, but she was pleased to be able to give her sister this chance.
Lisa seemed genuinely touched. ‘Thank you.’ Turning her attention back to Nanna she began. ‘Do you remember when we were six and you took us to the fair? We had that goldfish for three years. Mum was sure it wouldn’t last a day …’
Beth sat quietly, listening. She let Lisa have this time to herself. This could be Nanna’s last hour on earth, who knew? And yet she was happy to let Lisa have it. It was the least she could do.
A bell rang to announce the end of visiting time and Beth came to. She’d almost drifted off listening to Lisa’s muffled storytelling. Lisa was still in full flow. ‘… and Dad pulled the coat right up over his head. With his hands out in front of him, he looked just like a headless creature from Scooby Doo. Beth and I were really scared. Until he walked into that tree. Oh God, Nanna, it was so funny, do you remember? It was the best Halloween ever.’
Looking into Nanna’s face, Beth thought she saw a smile. It was hard to tell with her mouth the way it was. ‘Is she smiling?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe … a bit.’
‘That’s a good sign.’
‘Yes.’ Lisa’s voice was full of emotion. ‘Beth?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Thanks for this.’
‘You’re welcome.’
Beth felt Lisa bend her head close to Nanna and kiss her on the cheek. ‘It was wonderful to finally meet you.’
As they left the ward, Beth began to wonder at what point Lisa was going to switch back. She’d swapped willingly, but it crossed her mind that her sister now held all the cards.
Lisa was clearly thinking the same thing. ‘Any chance of me driving us home?’
‘None whatsoever, you lunatic.’
‘A few shots of tequila and a night with a toy boy it is, then.’
‘I don’t … umm …’ Beth attempted to conceal her concern.
‘Just messing with ya, sis. Here you go.’
In the next second, Beth was propelled forward and found herself back in charge of her body. She stumbled slightly and grabbed the handrail that ran the length of the corridor. ‘Blimey, you had me worried for a minute.’