Sixty-nine
A thousand times a day she caught herself talking to Lisa, asking her opinion, or expecting a stupid remark. Every time, the silence reminded her that her sister had gone. Whether she could technically be described as dead was a strange question. Hadn’t she already been deceased for the whole of Beth’s life? Whatever phrase she chose to use, be it dead or gone, both meant Lisa was no longer there, and Beth missed her. Never again would she hear the other voice echoing around her head. She was consumed with guilt. Blaming herself constantly. But as difficult as it was to have lost her sister, she knew deep down she’d done the right thing to swap. Imagine if James had been left in charge of Megan!
It was difficult to grieve for someone whom no one else knew existed. If Pat or Don saw her crying, they no doubt assumed her tears were for James. But actually, there was little remorse for Beth about the end of her marriage. If ever she found herself wondering if he was going to be OK, or if she was tempted to give him another chance, she would remind herself of the moment when Lisa, in desperation, had plunged her hand into the freezer to remove Nanna’s beautiful ring, so it could be given to those horrible, heartless creatures, in exchange for Beth’s hand remaining intact.
In the first couple of weeks after Beth’s fall, James insisted on visiting her. Facing the wrath of her two protectors, Pat and Don, he tried every conceivable angle to convince his wife to give him another chance. Sometimes he arrived at a sensible hour, and presented a confident ‘new’ man who was now on top of his gambling, and who would never allow anything bad to happen to his family again. Then, on other occasions, he rolled up late at night, a sorry emotional wreck of a man, pleading, telling her he was nothing without her and Megan. Whenever they talked, it ended with Beth confirming that neither she nor their daughter were ever going back to that house. They were never going back to him. He was angry, he was miserable, he was desperate. Beth found it emotionally exhausting. But ultimately, the memory of what Lisa had done for her was stronger than any of his arguments, and that was all she needed to remain steadfast.
After she’d been back at Pat and Don’s for a few months, Beth decided to see a solicitor and filed for a divorce. Still James declined to give up hope. He fought her all the way. Refusing to even look at the papers, never mind sign them. He seemed determined they should remain a family. She was always fair, she gave him many opportunities to see his daughter. Only ever putting a stop to the visits if he said it wasn’t a good time, which was code for ‘someone’s after me’. Or, alternatively, if Megan mentioned that Daddy hadn’t had enough money for food when they’d been out. If that happened, Beth would realise he was down on his luck again and insist they stop the visits until he was back on track. Megan continued to love her dad, and seemed happy to see him, which Beth was pleased about. But she was persistent in her request for a final and legal separation.
The divorce wasn’t cheap, and if it hadn’t been for the generosity of Pat and Don, it would’ve been impossible. It took all of Beth’s new-found strength to make it happen. Eventually James agreed, but it was obvious he wasn’t convinced she’d take it all the way.
Used to being the one in control, he frequently told her, ‘You and I are soul-mates. You know it, as well as I do. You don’t really want this divorce.’ His words were like a red rag to a bull, and only proved to spur her on further. Her only regret was that she hadn’t been confident enough to do it when Lisa could’ve been a witness.
With James’s finances being the way they were, the divorce took an age to process. Don was as generous as he could afford to be. But it angered Beth that sometimes her dad was paying both sets of solicitor’s bills.
One day, when she was a couple of years into her divorce, Beth arranged to have a coffee with Michelle. They met in the café at Sainsbury’s. Mainly because it wasn’t too busy and there was usually a spare table close by for the kids to sit at, giving their mums a rare chance to chat.
After the kids were settled with a slush puppy and a gingerbread man each, Beth filled her friend in on the details of the divorce.
Michelle struggled to understand how she was able to separate herself from James with such apparent ease. ‘He used to be so important to you, didn’t he? He was always able to manipulate you. Where has this new Beth come from?’
‘He left me there to face those men alone. I lost every last ounce of respect for him that day. It’s just not possible to be in love with someone you have no respect for. After that, separating myself from him was easy.’
‘But why have you given him the house?’
‘I don’t want to have anything to do with that place.’
‘But still … he should at least give you half the money.’
Beth sighed. ‘What’s the point? He’d never get his hands on that kind of money. And even if he did …’
‘Yeah, I see what you mean. So, you’ve just given it over to him?’
‘Yep. Signed it all away. It’s his responsibility now.’
‘Do you think he’ll pay the mortgage, without you there?’
‘This is James we’re talking about! The house is as good as gone. I’m kind of surprised he’s still clinging on to it.’
‘Doesn’t that make you sad?’
‘Oh, Michelle, it breaks my heart. But … I can’t even begin to tell you what it was like worrying about the mortgage. It was the first thing I thought of as soon as my eyes opened in the morning. I checked the balance of our account all the bloody time. Which was pointless; even if one day we had the money to pay, it could easily be gone the next. I thought about it all the time. Even when I eventually fell asleep at night, the worry invaded my dreams.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Stressing about money is like a constant gnawing in your belly. It’s only now that it’s stopped that I realise how crippling it was.’
‘Why did you have a joint account with him? I’ve never had one with Ricky.’
‘I know it sounds stupid, but to begin with it was pure ignorance. That’s what I thought married people did. I was too bloody young. Then, once I finally found out about his secret gambling …’
Michelle looked uncomfortable. ‘Sorry, I should’ve ‒’
Beth cut in, ‘I naively thought, at least if we had a joint account, I could keep an eye on what he was up to. Ridiculous.’
‘Is he still asking you to get back with him?’
‘All the time. It’s awful.’
‘You’re such a strong person now.’
Beth shook her head. In reality, without Lisa, most of the time she felt like half a being. ‘Michelle, I was weak for so long. I let that man convince me everything was my fault.’
‘How? I doubt anything was your fault. What did he say?’
‘He didn’t say it.’
‘What then …?’
‘Oh … I don’t know. James is the only person I know who can passive aggressively brush his teeth.’
‘Oh my God!’
‘I know, it sounds ridiculous. But just being in the bathroom with him when he was brushing his teeth, I was constantly questioning myself. Did I put my toothbrush back in the right place? Did I squeeze the toothpaste wrong? What? What did I do to make him this angry?’
‘Manipulative bastard. I didn’t even notice what he was doing. But now … now I can see how different you are. You’re more like your old self.’
Although Beth appeared to have moved on, there were some things about James that she would never forget. He was both the gorgeous hunk who’d taught her all about sex in Bondi and the loving father who’d refused to let his baby cry at bedtime. But those men were in her past. She didn’t want to discuss them, not even with her best friend. Instead, she said, ‘I need to concentrate on the future now. It’s all about doing the best I can for Megan.’
‘He was brilliant when we first met him. I thought you’d hit the jackpot.’
‘He created an illusion, Michelle. But you can rest assured, I won’t be tricked again by Jim Collier.’
‘You’re right. I still can’t call him Jim though. In spite of the fact that barely anyone calls him James.’
‘I know. I loved James, but I can’t stand Jim!’
The kids gave them little rest. Way too quickly, they finished their snacks. Beth asked Michelle, ‘Do you have any shopping to get?’
‘No, I did mine before. I’d better go. Ricky’s doing dinner.’
‘Bless his heart. He’s a good man. I feel awful now, I’ve hardly asked anything about you and yours. Is Ricky OK?’
‘He’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Today was about you. A chance to let your frustrations out. We’ll talk about my boring life next time we meet.’
‘It’s not boring, and you know it. You have a good marriage. You ought to be proud.’
Kissing Beth on both cheeks, Michelle assured her, ‘I am really, you know I am.’
With that, Michelle, Solomon, Ava and Leo were off and into the car park in seconds. Beth watched them all pile into their large Nissan and drive away.
‘Do we have to do shopping, Mummy?’
‘Just some things I promised Grandma.’ Beth grabbed a basket.
Megan gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘Will it take long?’
‘Two minutes.’
‘What do we have to get?’
‘Those cookies Grandpa likes.’
‘Chocolate chip?’
‘Yep, and a couple of other things.’
They whizzed around the shop, grabbing the handful of items Beth had promised to get for Pat. Once they’d paid, Megan asked, ‘Before we go home, can I go on one of the cars?’
‘Really? You want to?’
Megan nodded. ‘Yeah. I like them.’
Beth was about to say that, surely, at eight, Megan was a bit old for such things. She’d looked like a little teenager earlier when she’d been twiddling her straw and chatting away to Ava. But she simply said, ‘OK. I’m sure I’ve got some change in my purse.’
They made their way over to the ride-on cars. Megan chose Bob the Builder’s digger. Beth handed her the coin, and she dropped it into the slot. The familiar tune began to play, and the digger started lurching from side to side.
Megan squealed with delight, as she was thrown around.
Pleased that her only child wasn’t growing up too fast, Beth said, ‘I’ll just be over here if you need me.’
From the comfort of the orange plastic bench, she could still watch Megan enjoying the ride, but the music was ever so slightly less tinny.
As Bob and his friends worked themselves up into a right old frenzy, Beth idly watched the customers as they checked out.
Suddenly, she spotted a familiar figure. He was still large, in fact, if anything he was even bigger than before. Wondering whether to approach him, she was reminded of her promise to Lisa that she’d look him up. Maybe now was a good time. Wishing her sister was here to see him, Beth rose from the bench.
She’d taken no more than two steps, before she heard a woman’s voice call out, ‘Charlie, you’ve got way too much beer again. All this will never fit in the boot.’
‘No such thing as too much beer, woman.’ Charlie gave one of his loud laughs that always attracted attention.
‘There is, if there’s already a pushchair in there.’
Beth observed the petite woman. Her dark hair was loosely tied into a ponytail, and she had the exhausted look of a new mum. Beth’s assumption was not wrong. There, in a car seat, was a tiny baby. Dressed in a clean white baby grow, the child could hardly be more than a month old.
‘Don’t panic, we’ll put Ryan on the roof.’ Charlie gave another one of his boisterous laughs.
‘Charlie!’ The woman was clearly knackered and not in the mood for his jokes.
‘Fine. You win.’ Charlie grabbed a couple of boxes of beers and, tucking one under each arm, he sprinted back towards the alcohol aisle.
Beth examined the face of Charlie’s partner. She could, no doubt, be quite attractive, under different circumstances. A wave of jealousy hit Beth. This tiny woman, with the messy hair, had a baby with Charlie Morris. How amazing must that be? To watch that kind, generous man cradle your baby, and know that he would always be there to protect you both.
Beth had to get out, before he returned to the checkout. She didn’t want him to see her, and she had no desire to have to explain how messed up her life was. Luckily, Bob’s theme tune finished at that exact point, and Megan climbed down, asking for another coin.
‘Sorry, darling. We’ve got to go now.’
‘But … it was such a short ride … I just want to …’
In desperation, Beth grabbed the chocolate chip cookies from her shopping bag, and asked, ‘Shall we open these in the car?’ Not waiting for an answer, she grabbed Megan’s hand, and began propelling her towards the exit.
‘Honestly?’
‘Why not?’
‘In Grandma’s car?’
Pat and Don had offered to buy her another car, but she’d been advised not to spend any money until the divorce was final. ‘The last thing we need is your husband demanding half!’ were the exact words of her solicitor. So, for now, she was sharing a car with Pat.
‘Yes, in Grandma’s car. Won’t that be fun?’
‘Can we eat them all?’
‘Maybe not all … we’ll need to save some for Grandpa. But …’ They reached the exit just as Charlie reappeared. With one last glance back at the life she desired, Beth finished her sentence, ‘… at least three each, I’d say.’