I don’t know why I pulled back from Lucas. I keep thinking about that moment all that day and the next, but I don’t hear from him. I don’t know why I can’t get out my phone and just text him, maybe even explain why I pulled away when I did, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

I’m nervous about my feelings for him. That’s obvious, though I’m not completely sure why. Maybe it has to do with the Carters, but that’s not totally it. I wouldn’t let those assholes dictate what I do with my life no matter what, even if it really is a bad idea.

It’s part that I haven’t been able to feel like this about a person in a long time, if ever. I don’t know if I’m at a point in my life where I can really devote time to a relationship. My father takes up so much of my life, and now I’m worried about the preserve on top of the Carters. Maybe he can help with some of that, but I just don’t know if I can really give him the attention that he deserves.

Not to mention he’s a lot older than me and has a child. That’s a little intimidating. All of that crossed my mind in the moment that I hesitated, but I wish that I didn’t.

Because I know the truth. He’s absolutely right about me. I want to know him, I want to find out what he can give me and how he can make me feel. I pretend that I’m not interested, but I can’t help myself.

I’ve never had a guy treat me like Lucas does. He brought me a lunch out of nowhere, totally surprising me. Maybe with some other guy that would be weird, but with Lucas it was totally natural and incredible. There’s never a dull moment with him and any silence between us is totally comfortable.

It’s almost crazy to imagine how I’m feeling about him, and that’s probably part of what’s holding me back.

I obsess about him all day after he leaves and all the next day. I head home from work, wondering when I’ll hear from him, and take care of my father for the evening. It’s an old routine at this point and I’m used to it, but sometimes I wish I could be a normal person for once. I wish I could just leave the house whenever I want, but I can’t leave my father alone. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, totally confused and disoriented, and I’m afraid he’d hurt himself if I’m not there to help him.

The nurse service is a big help, and I can’t really complain. He did so much for me already, it’s just obvious that I’d do this for him. That doesn’t make it any easier unfortunately.

I get him to bed around nine, which gives me a few hours to myself every night. Some nights are easier than others in terms of getting him to sleep, but tonight is fortunately pretty easy all things considered. He’s down and I’m on the couch by nine-thirty, flicking through the channels, already thinking about what tomorrow will bring.

My phone suddenly lights up and starts buzzing. I pick it up and look at it, head cocked. I don’t recognize the number, and for whatever reason I decide to pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Mia.”

I recognize the voice immediately.

“Uh, hey Caleb,” I say. “What’s up?”

“I got your number from—hey, stop it” I can suddenly hear some noise in the background. “Yeah, sorry, Dylan is being a total douche. Jordan says hey.” I hear someone yell in the background.

“Are you driving right now?” I ask him.

“Dylan is. We’re going to Chucky’s. You coming?”

“I can’t,” I say, happy for my excuse for once in my life.

“Why not?” he asks. “You too busy?”

In the background, I hear Jordan yell something about my dad and telling him already.

“It’s my dad,” I confirm. “He’s sick. I can’t leave him alone here.”

“Damn. That sucks,” Caleb says and then there’s a pause.

“Uh, hello?” I ask. “Are you there?”

“Hold up,” he says. “What nursing service do you use?”

“Horizon,” I say. “How did you know I used one?”

“Just a hunch. Hold on a second.” The phone clicks and all the sound is gone. I’m still on the line though, so I guess he put me on hold or on mute. I wait a second, wondering what the heck they’re doing.

I want to just hang up the phone. But Jordan is with them, and I do want to get out of the house. I can’t just leave Dad unfortunately, so it doesn’t matter what they say in the end. I’m staying in and that’s just that.

But a minute later, the phone comes back to life. “Okay,” Caleb says. “Taken care of. We’re coming to get you in ten.’

“What?” I ask.

“I called the nursing service. Mary should be over in like five or something.”

I pause for a second. “Are you crazy?” I say. “I can’t afford overtime nurse pay.”

“Don’t worry about that,” he says.

“Caleb, no, no way. I can’t let you do that.”

“Already done, kid. You’re coming out.”

“Come on bitch!” It’s Jordan in the background yelling again.

I bite my lip, looking at the clock. “Is this for real?” I ask.

“If the nurse isn’t there before we arrive, you can stay in.”

I sigh. “Okay,” I say. “I have to get ready.”

“Eight minutes,” he says.

I hang up the phone.

What the hell did I just agree to? I don’t know why I just accepted that. The Carter boys creep me out like crazy, and they definitely hate Lucas. But I want to get out of the house, and Jordan is my closest friend. Maybe they won’t be so bad tonight, and if they are, I’ll just bail.

I jump up and run into my room. I throw on some clothes and do the best I can to my face and hair in my very limited time. About six minutes later, there’s a knock at the door.

Sure enough, it’s a nurse from Horizon. I don’t recognize her, but she’s definitely for real. I thank her for coming and she explains that she’s the on-call nurse and that the Carters use her to take care of their grandmother sometimes. I show her where my father’s sleeping, let her get comfortable, and have about ten seconds to spare before there’s another knock at the door.

I hurry to open it and find Jordan standing there, looking cute as always.

“You ready?” she asks.

“Ready enough,” I say. “He really sent a nurse, you know that, right?”

“I know,” she says, grinning. “He’s kinda great.”

I frown a little bit. “I don’t know if he’s great. He came to my work the other day.”

“He told me you were a total freak about it.” We walk back toward the car where the two guys are waiting for us. It’s a large black truck, very new looking, and probably more expensive than my house.

“He was aggressive and threatening,” I say softly to her. “Really creepy. Seriously.”

She gives me a look that clearly means she doesn’t believe me. “Caleb is a good guy. You just don’t know him yet.”

“Yeah,” I say, backing off. “Maybe.” It’s not worth pushing. I don’t want to piss her off, and besides, I’m going out with them no matter what.

“Let’s fucking go!” Dylan yells. We climb into the car and Caleb grins at me.

“Told you,” he says.

I smile a little. “Yeah, I guess.”

We head out, car driving fast, out to Chucky’s.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t even like Caleb and Dylan. They’re still loud and still obnoxious, although Caleb isn’t as creepy tonight. We park at Chucky’s and head inside, grabbing a corner booth that magically is open and waiting for us. Caleb and Dylan order drinks and immediately Dylan start hitting on some random girl.

But Caleb apparently only has eyes for me. I can tell it bothers Jordan a little bit, and I suddenly realize that she’s into Caleb, which explains a lot. I’m polite and I answer his questions and chat with him, but I’m not really interested, and I hope that’s obvious.

I’m not sure it is, though, based on Caleb’s level of interest and the increasingly sour looks Jordan gives me.

“So, are you impressed?” Caleb asks me after maybe a half hour of listening to him talk about his new audio system.

“With what, your speakers?” I ask.

“No,” he says, grinning that weird smile. “I mean, the nurse.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Thanks so much for that. I did really need a night out.”

“No problem. I don’t mind at all. Plus, you’re worth it.” He leans toward me a bit and I feel a chill run down my spine.

“Uh, I’ll be back in a second,” I say, standing.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“Need a drink.” I throw down the one I’m holding then hurry off to the bar.

Jordan instantly swoops in and starts talking to Caleb, but I feel his eyes on me already. I regret coming out with these guys and am not sure why I did it. I guess I didn’t really believe that he’d send a nurse like that, and when he showed up, I felt like I really had to go.

I get to the bar and take a much-needed break. I order a gin and tonic, and while I’m waiting for my drink, I scan the area around me.

As I’m looking at the people, I catch sight of two guys coming in through the side door. I have to do a double take, because it takes me a second to realize that it’s Lucas and his friend.

Shit. I panic and turn away, not sure if he noticed me yet. The last thing I want is for him to see me out with the Carters. I’m such a hypocrite and he’s going to see that. I don’t want him to think less of me. He just doesn’t know how hard it can be sometimes, with my father and everything.

My drink comes and I slam back half of it in one go. I stand there, not sure what the hell to do. I should probably just run the hell away, get out of here completely and hope that Lucas didn’t notice me. As I turn, I bump directly into Caleb.

“Whoa there,” he says. “Where you hurrying to?”

“Uh,” I say. “I don’t know. The table.” I glance around but don’t see Lucas anywhere.

“Who you lookin’ for?” he asks, taking my shoulders.

“Nobody,” I say quickly.

“Come on, come back to the table.”

I follow him reluctantly back, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I want to run away, but I don’t know what to do. If I leave right now, it’ll look really rude and Jordan will be even more upset with me. She’s like my only friend right now and I really can’t afford to lose her. I don’t care if the Carters think I’m a jerk, but I do care about Jordan.

We get back to the table and sit down. She launches into some conversation about a movie I haven’t seen but that Caleb seems somewhat into. I look around the bar again, nervous and starting to sweat a little bit.

“You okay?” Jordan asks me. “You look weird.”

“Fine,” I say, glancing toward the bar again.

I spot Lucas there, talking with his friend. For a second, I think I’m safe. He hasn’t looked back at me yet.

Until he turns and he looks.

We make eye contact. He looks right at me. He doesn’t look away for a couple seconds before casually turning back to his friend like he didn’t see a thing.

I sit there, devastated. I don’t know why, but I expected something more. I expected anger, or maybe disappointment, or something. Instead, I got absolutely nothing from him, and that hurts way more.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t play games like this, it’s just not the kind of person I am. I don’t normally want guys to care and get angry if I’m doing something, I just want everyone to be happy and to get along.

I feel like an idiot. I finish my drink and without another word, I stand up.

“Hey, what’s up?” Caleb asks. “You look weird.”

“I have to go,” I say. “Sorry.”

“What?” Jordan asks. “Caleb got you a nurse. And you’re being so rude.”

“I know. Thank you Caleb,” I say to him. I turn to Jordan. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“You shouldn’t go,” Caleb says, standing.

“Say bye to Dylan for me when he gets back,” I answer, and quickly walk away.

I can’t do this. I can’t let myself become someone I’m not. Lucas totally didn’t care that I was out with the Carters, and that’s okay. He doesn’t have to care. Maybe I misunderstood our relationship and thought there was something stronger between us than there actually is. Maybe I’m naïve and stupid, and I deserve to feel totally embarrassed right now.

Either way, I couldn’t stay there with Caleb and let him keep trying to flirt with me when all I wanted was to get out. Jordan’s going to be pissed, but she’ll get over it soon enough.

I walk fast out of the bar, not looking back. I don’t let myself look back at Lucas, wondering if he’s watching me, if he cares. I’m an idiot and let myself get seduced by the Carters and their ability to buy everything. I hate that about myself.

At least I’m leaving. At least I have that.

I get to the door, push it open, and head off toward the bus stop, holding back tears, not letting myself be so pathetic that I cry alone on the street.