I sleep fitfully that night and am awake early the next morning. Connor isn’t awake yet, or at least he’s not downstairs, but my mother is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking some coffee.

I fill up a mug and sit down across from her. “Morning,” I say.

“Morning.” She’s reading the paper and doesn’t look up.

I frown down at the table, feeling uncomfortable. I’ve never felt strange around my mother before. In fact, I’ve always felt really close to my mom as long as I can remember. She worked hard and wasn’t always around, but she was a good mother. She didn’t miss anything and was always there for me.

Suddenly I feel guilty, horribly guilty. It piles down on me like a mudslide. She glances up from her paper and frowns.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

I must have been staring at her. I quickly look away. “Nothing,” I say.

She gives me a look then goes back to reading the paper. What the hell is wrong with me? Being with Connor is going against her direct wishes. She doesn’t want me getting involved with him for a bunch of reasons. If I get caught with him, it’ll destroy her.

Hell, I already got caught with him, and it’s just a mater of time before she finds out. She’ll be devastated, absolutely wrecked, and I have no clue what I’m going to do about it. The worst part is, I haven’t stopped and I don’t want to stop. I know I need to back away from Connor, because it’s only going to end up hurting everyone involved, and yet I still want him.

Maybe I’m just being immature. The right thing to do would be to walk away from Connor for now, at least until this whole issue with my uncle and my grandfather blows over. I sip my coffee, savoring its bitter heat, and take a deep breath.

“Did you hear some commotion last night?” my mom suddenly asks.

I freeze and stare at her, horror welling up inside of me. I don’t know what I’ll do if she heard me and Connor.

“Uh,” I say.

“Good morning.” Connor suddenly walks into the kitchen, a towel around his shoulders. He’s sweaty and I realize he’s been working out this whole time.

My mother looks over at him. “I was just talking with Sydney here,” she says. “Did you hear something last night?”

He nods. “I meant to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?” She cocks her head, and I’m freaking out.

“Things got pretty hard last night,” he says, walking over.

My jaw drops as I stare at him. What the heck is he doing? I want to jump up and wave my hands, make him stop. He can’t tell my mother about the sex we had right in the hallway. That’s just way too messed up, even for this crazy situation.

She raises an eyebrow. “Hard?”

He nods. “Things got a little rough. But I handled it.” He looks at me and smiles. “Sydney was good about it, too.”

I want to freaking scream. “Uh, Connor?”

“What do you mean?” Mom asks.

“My guys found one of your brother’s men lurking around the house,” Connor says. “I had to rough the guy up a bit. Sydney woke up during it, but she was brave.”

I suddenly breathe out a sigh of relief as my mother’s gaze turns toward me. “Is this true?” she asks.

I nod once. “It’s true.”

“How didn’t I wake up?”

“We handled it,” Connor says.

Mom frowns. “I don’t want Sydney anywhere near this stuff.”

“Don’t worry, Mom. Connor made me stay in my room. He handled it, not me.”

“Well,” she says, looking back to him. “Thank you. What happened?”

“We took him back to your brother’s. Dumped him on the front steps.”

Her eyes widen. “You did what?”

“We dumped him on the steps of your brother’s house.” Connor grins.

“That’s unacceptable,” Mom says, getting her angry look.

I take this opportunity to stand. “I’ll let you two talk,” I say, and quickly head outside with my coffee.

I hear my mom’s voice getting louder as I shut the door behind me. I feel like I’m full of adrenaline as I head out to sit by the pool.

I don’t know why I’d think Connor would tell Mom about what we did. I freaked out for no reason, of course. I sip my coffee and watch the wind blow patterns in the pool.

Maybe I’m making a mistake. I can’t have a normal conversation with my mother without feeling like a horrible person anymore, and I don’t like it. For a long time, I told my mother absolutely everything. We were so close, but now I have this secret, this enormous freaking secret that I can’t share with her.

And then there’s the blackmail photos and the fact that I haven’t responded to the email yet. Connor said he’ll take care of it, but I don’t know how he’s going to.

After maybe fifteen minutes, the back door suddenly opens and Connor steps out. He spots me and walks over, shielding his eyes from the sun.

“Your mom’s not happy,” he says, grinning.

“Yeah, I figured.”

“She left for work, though. That usually cheers her up.”

I can’t help but smile at that. “She sure does love working.”

“The woman lives for it.” He frowns at me for a second. “You okay, Syd?”

“Yeah, of course,” I say, maybe a little too quickly.

He gives me a look. “Things are going to get better. I promise.”

“I just... I hate lying to my mother.”

“I know.” He sighs, shaking his head. “None of this is ideal.”

“And then there are the pictures. The blackmail. Connor, if she finds out, it’ll destroy her.”

“Will it?” he asks. “I know she doesn’t approve of this, but she knows you’re an adult. You can make your own choices.”

“It’s not just that. She’ll be so angry that I risked everything like that. She’ll call me reckless. And she’s right.”

He watches me carefully. “I can’t argue against that.”

“I’m not asking you to. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“This isn’t easy for me.” He sits down in the chair facing me. “You think I want this?”

My eyes narrow at him. I’m not sure what he means by that, but I don’t think it’s a good thing. “I never wanted it, either.”

“So you understand.”

“Sure.” I look away from him, feeling anger and rejection in my chest. “I’m going out tonight,” I suddenly blurt out.

“Oh.” He looks a little surprised. “Okay.”

I’m not going out tonight. Or at least, I don’t have any plans. I just suddenly want to get out of the house, away from Connor and this horrible situation. I want to go be young for a little while and try to forget myself. Maybe even remind myself of what I’m missing out in the wide world.

“I guess you’ll need this.” He pulls my phone from his pocket and hands it to me. “The number was a dead end. But thanks for letting me try.”

“Yeah, sure.” I look away from him, feeling stupid and embarrassed.

“I’ll have someone, you know, protect you tonight,” he says. “You can’t go out alone.”

“Fine,” I say, wanting to end this conversation.

He watches me for a second, looking like he wants to say something else, but instead he stands and walks off. He heads back inside, shutting the door behind him.

I groan when he’s gone. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I think I just told him I’m going out solely to make him jealous, and now I’m going to have to make that happen somehow.

Worse, I don’t know what he meant when he said he never wanted this. I don’t know if he means that he sees what happened between us as a mistake, or if he can’t help himself despite knowing better. In the moment, I took it as him saying he regrets this, but now I’m not so sure.

It doesn’t matter. I put my foot in my mouth again and now I have to go out. Even if I’d rather stay in and pretend like I’m mad at him, when really I can’t be.

I don’t want to want him, or at least right now. I don’t want to need him. But I do, even if I don’t know how he feels, even if I just feel more and more confused with every passing day.

I scroll through my phone and try to figure out what I’m going to do.