Sam
Past
Trenton, New Jersey
Age 20
CASSIE FALLS ONTO HER BED across from mine and lets out a sigh of relief.
“This was easily the hardest year yet. I don’t think I can take clinicals anymore.” She complains and rolls over, kicking off her tennis shoes. We just finished our microbiology final and we’re done for the semester.
“Seriously, Cassie? You’ve gotten straight As so far. What are you complaining about?”
“I don’t think I’m cut out for this, Sam. You’ll make a better nurse than me. You’re built for this. You have the desire to help people. Me? I’m disgusted by them. If I have to wipe another ass…” She stands up and pulls her tank top over her head. “I need a shower.”
We share a one-bedroom apartment that I swear is smaller than our dorm room was on campus. She takes three steps and is already in our bathroom. The water turns on and she’s still complaining. “How am I going to continue? Sure, I can do the book stuff just fine, but when you put me in front of a patient, I can’t do it. You saw what happened last week when I had to find that dude’s vein and draw blood. It was a mess! I should be wearing a sign that says ‘Beware – Nursing Student.’”
I shrug my shoulders, knowing she’s so much better than she thinks she is. Her confidence when it comes to her nursing abilities is lacking, but her skill is not. We’ll just need to work on that some more.
“Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I almost vomited all over my patient right after I was told I had to give her an enema. Imagine that!” I laugh and stretch out on my bed. Googie is perched on my pillow, and I rub her like I do every day. She’s as old as I am, and her stuffing is practically gone.
Cassie chuckles and I can hear the shower door close.
“Just think, this time next year, we’ll be on our own in a hospital, saving lives every single day,” I call out to her and wait for her response.
“Fuck that!” she says from the shower. “I need to find something else to do.”
“Stop being so dramatic,” I say and roll over on my side. “Always so damn dramatic.”
The water turns off and she’s in the room with a towel wrapped around her head and another one around her body. Drips of water trail behind her.
“Didn’t you dry yourself off at all?” I scold her as she drips onto the carpet.
“You didn’t listen to a word I said, Sam. Really listen. I can’t do this anymore.”
Her expression is serious, and I sit up on the bed. I quickly toss Googie to her and she catches her clumsily.
“Googie says you can do it, so you can. Now stop this nonsense and get your shit together.”
She looks at my floppy childhood friend, and I see the smile in her eyes.
“Well, if your dog thinks I can do it, then maybe I can.” She tosses Googie back to me and laughs out loud.
She slips into comfy leggings and a tank top and crawls into her own bed. Her eyes find mine and they glisten a bit. “Sam, I’m so proud of you,” she says.
“Don’t get sappy on me now,” I respond, wondering where this conversation is going.
“Seriously, look at you. You’re the star student. You do everything with ease and you have this innate desire to help people. You want to make them all better. Every last one of them. You have a gift and you don’t even know it.”
Her tone is serious, and I know she means every word that she’s saying. Aunt Peggy says the same words to me all of the time.
“It’s weird, Cass. I feel like I have a purpose, you know? I appreciate what I have and how I can help others. It scares the hell out of me that somehow I’ll mess it up, but I know what I’m supposed to be doing. Don’t you feel that way?” I ask her, curious.
“Hell no,” she answers definitively. “I don’t know what my purpose is or the reason I’m even in nursing school. I’m following your lead. Following in your footsteps. I see what makes you happy. What makes you tick. And I want to feel the same way. I want to be like you.”
I snort out loud.
“No you don’t. Trust me. You know me better than anyone and know everything that I’ve gone through. You do not want to be like me.”
“Sam, what you’ve overcome is tremendous. I’m going to get sappy on you again for a second, and you have to bear with me.” Her eyes are still wet, and I lie back down on my bed, staring up at the solar system poster tacked to the ceiling above me.
“Yeah, your life at sixteen was torn the fuck apart. I completely get that. But your entire outlook on life and how you function day-to-day is remarkable. Your strength is astonishing. You almost drowned when you were seven. What did you do? You got swim lessons and learned pool yoga.”
I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. Her analogy is comical.
“Psycho Todd Mitchell tries to feel you up in a pool. What do you do? You nut-crunch him and then become a black belt in kickboxing.”
All of this is true.
Hearing Todd’s name, however, makes me cringe. A few months after the incident in Trish O’Toole’s pool, Todd was arrested for multiple rapes and attempted murder. He’s been in prison since he was convicted of all of his crimes. The faces of the victims are still fresh in my head. Every single one of them. The media played out the story over and over again and it made my skin crawl. I wish I could have hurt him more than I did that day he attacked me in Trish’s pool. I was definitely one of the lucky ones, and I became a stronger person for it.
Cassie continues, “Your parents get killed by a deranged psycho drug addict and you vow to become a nurse to help people get better. You save people’s lives every single day, Sam. You’re amazing.”
Hearing her describe my parents’ murder sends a jolt to my heart, and I take a quick breath and hold it. What little reminders I have of them adorn my room. My bracelet dangles from a hook next to my bed. The blue ribbon is attached to the poster that I fall asleep staring at every night. My Googie sleeps next to me, reminding me of their comfort and love.
I exhale slowly and turn on my side again to look at Cassie.
“I’m done earning my badges,” I say softly. “It’s time for me to give back.”
Her eyes light up with victory.
“Exactly my point,” she says and turns off the light.