Sam
Present
Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Age 24
THE CHILLY AIR SENDS A SHIVER down my spine, but I dig my bare feet into the cold sand anyway. I’m on Long Beach Island, New Jersey. Cassie gave me the key to her family’s beachfront vacation home. She said I needed a break and time to reflect. She couldn’t have been more right.
I pull the fleece blanket up to my chin and rest my head back on the beach chair. The sun is setting behind me, reflecting beautifully off of the clear water. A large, lone seagull skims along the top of the water in search of its next meal. I love it here. It’s so peaceful and relaxing. Cassie and I would come out here all the time when we were in nursing school. It’s only about an hour and a half from our college, and we made sure to put the house to good use. I smile as I remember some of the epic beach parties we threw. It’s amazing the neighbors haven’t run me off the beach by now because we sure were a nuisance back then.
Waves continue to crash, and the constant sounds of the ocean soothe me. It’s weird being down here by myself; I’ve never been here without Cassie. Last night I slept with all of the windows open, despite the cool ocean winds. I imagined Garrett’s warm arms wrapped around me as I drifted off to sleep.
Why can’t I let him in?
I walked away from him months ago, and I’ve lived such a lonely existence since. My life is a pattern of work, sleep, repeat. I close my eyes, and the wind sweeps and swirls my long hair around my face, hiding me from the world.
A loud cracking noise startles me and I sit upright. A large group of people have joined me on the beach, and the residual smoke from a firecracker floats out over the water. They’re laughing loudly as they arrange their blankets and chairs around a group of guys digging what I presume is going to become a fire pit. Watching them scamper around reminds me of the times Cassie and I would come here with our friends from college. We used to take over this whole area of the beach with our epic volleyball and whiffle ball games. If only I could travel back in time.
One of the girls opens a large bottle of wine, and the others hold out their glasses to be filled. Cheers and laughter continue as they clink their glasses together.
A Frisbee sails my way, landing near my feet, and one of the guys jogs over to retrieve it. “Hey,” he says and smiles ear to ear. I recognize him right away; he’s the son of Cassie’s neighbors. He bends to pick up the Frisbee and plops himself in the sand instead. “I thought it was you, Sam.” I squint, trying to remember his name. He’s a twin, and I always mix up him and his brother. I’m talking to either Jake or Justin. Cassie and I spent many nights on this same beach hanging out with them. In fact, I hooked up with Jake a few years ago at the end of a long day of swimming and drinking. He’s adorable and nice, but it was just a one-time thing and we didn’t let it interfere with the good times we were having. It was uncomplicated.
“Hi—um, Jake?” I say, hoping I’m right.
He smiles and nods his head. “That’s me.” He lifts his hand to shield his eyes from the sun behind me. “What are you doing out here all alone?” he asks.
“Oh, just enjoying the view and a much-needed break from life,” I say.
“Where’s Cassie? Is she up at the house?” He looks past me toward her back deck.
“No, I’m alone this weekend. Cassie had to work.”
“Jake!” his brother calls from across the beach. Jake waves him off and tosses him the Frisbee from his seated position in the sand.
“You’re here with a big crew. Are your parents down too?” I ask and look back over to his friends now huddled around a fire.
“No, they’re away. A bunch of us wanted to get together, and instead of going into the city like we usually do, we decided to come down here.” He peers at the waves and brushes sand off of his legs. He’s wearing shorts, and I shiver thinking how cold he must be.
“That’s nice,” I say. “It’s the perfect time of year to come down here and have this whole place to yourself.”
“Yeah,” he says. “So how have you been?” he asks.
How do I answer that question?
“I’ve been—life’s been interesting.”
He nods, almost as if he knows exactly what I’ve been through. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here,” he says. “Maybe two or three years?” I can tell he’s remembering the same moment that I just did when we made out under a pile of blankets almost right in the same spot that I’m in right now.
“I can’t believe it’s been that long. What are you doing these days?” I ask.
“I’m a third grade teacher in Spring Lake and I’m living in Belmar. I can’t seem to stay away from the beach,” he says.
He is a gentle soul, and it’s the perfect profession for him. I bet the kids love him. “That’s great,” I say.
“What about you? Are you still saving lives?”
Sometimes.
“I’m a neonatal intensive care nurse in Philly,” I say and don’t want to talk much more about my job.
“It takes a really special person to be a nurse,” he says and brushes my leg with his hand. “I don’t know how you do it. Last week, one of my students puked all over his desk and I almost passed out.”
I chuckle. “It’s not as hard as you think.”
“I beg to differ,” he says. “Hey, why don’t you come join us? We have lots of food and plenty to drink.”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but I’m going to head up to the house in a few minutes. I leave early tomorrow and want to get to sleep soon.”
He grins. “Want some company?” As tempting as that would have been a few years ago, I can’t bring myself to say yes. His eyes are eager and hopeful.
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”
He shrugs. “Someone probably swept you off your feet years ago. I guess I’m too late.”
“Not exactly,” I say and realize the only person who’s ever swept me off my feet is Garrett.
“Looks like we have company.” He nods to my other side and another group of people are making their way down to the beach. A little girl runs toward the water, followed by a boy about half her size. They’re screeching and laughing with joy.
“Emily, Caleb! Don’t go in the water,” a woman, who I presume is their mother, calls after them. Several other people follow, and one of them waves toward us.
“Hi, Jake!” an older woman calls out. “Your parents here?” she asks.
“Hi, Becca. No, they’re not here this weekend.”
She nods and catches up with her friends. “Carly, wait up!” The group tosses blankets down.
I remember them. Becca’s family owns the house on the other side of Cassie’s. They’re older than us by at least ten years. We used to annoy them when we threw parties at Cassie’s. It almost became a sport for us to make sure our music was just a little louder than theirs. Cassie’s mom told us that Becca and her friends were notorious when they were younger, so we never felt bad about annoying the older crew. “Callie! Manny! Who has the wine?” she calls out and a tall man raises his hand, holding a large bottle of red.
The two little kids run through the surf and screech again. They must be freezing. Another man scoops them out of the water and runs to the dry sand, collapsing with them on his chest. “Daddy!” They squeal and they soon forget about the cold water.
I stand up, tucking my blanket under my arms, and pick up my chair. “It’s great seeing you again,” I say to Jake, and he looks disappointed.
“Are you sure you’re not up for some company?” he asks, persistent.
“No, not this time,” I say.
He suddenly pulls me against him into a warm, tight hug. He inhales deeply and kisses my cheek. “It’s really great seeing you again. You should give me a call sometime.”
I don’t respond as he reluctantly lets me go.
“Bye, Jake,” I say and walk up to the house, waves crashing behind me.
The house is quiet and peaceful. As appealing as it was to be invited to join the party on the beach, I just don’t have it in me to be social. I’m here for a solo retreat, and I intend to hold true to that. I see Jake run up to the bonfire and plop into the sand next to his brother. Justin pats him on the back and their laughter carries through the air.
How simple would it be to invite Jake in for the night? Where would that lead? A night of steamy, unattached sex? I don’t think I can open my bed or my heart to anyone else.
Ever again.
Garrett ruined me.