Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“NO, CASSIE. DON’T BRING THIS TOPIC UP AGAIN,” I say and slide across the room on my rolling chair. I’m updating medical records and need to use two different computers at the same time. I’ve been gliding back and forth for the past twenty minutes, and I’m starting to get dizzy.
“I refuse to back down,” she says firmly. “Pick up the phone and call him for God’s sake. How much longer are you going to suffer alone? Garrett didn’t fill your home up with gas and flick the lighter. Why can’t you see that? He didn’t know, Sam.”
This conversation is tiresome. I thought that by escaping to the beach a few weekends ago, she would have started to let up on this incessant banter. It happens at least once a day, if not twice. How can she not understand that I can’t bring myself to be with the son of my family’s killer? It’s macabre. It’s wrong. Garrett may not have blown up my family, but the genes in his body carry the DNA from a deranged, drug-addicted gambler. Who’s to say Garrett won’t develop the same tendencies as his father?
“Do you think you have the right to see Kai without any formal arrangement with Garrett?” she asks and folds her arms across her chest.
“What?”
“Seriously. Think about it. He doesn’t have to let you see his son, ever. But he does. He knows what an important part of Kai’s life you’ve been, and he doesn’t deny his visits with you. You’re practically Kai’s mother, Sam. Why don’t you start acting like it and show some compassion for his father? Garrett’s in love with you. Jesus, Sam. You’re such an asshole!”
She paces through the NICU with her arms folded tightly against her chest.
“You may be trying to punish Garrett for what his father did, but you’re punishing Kai worse.” Her words cause my breath to whoosh from my lungs. They cut deep and it hurts.
I never thought of it that way.
“You would tell anyone listening that you moved beyond your parents’ cause of death and have accepted their gifts to you of acceptance, healing and love. C’mon, Sam, stop being a fucking hypocrite.”
Another punch to the gut.
Why do her words suddenly seem so true when for the past six months, I’ve been fighting them?
“Oh my God,” I say and stop in my chair.
“Are you finally getting it?” She twists the knife a little further into my heart.
“I get it, yes.” Tears prick my eyes and I hang my head.
“Good. I’m sorry I got you upset,” she says, walking toward me. She bends to hug me, and I throw my arms around her neck. “But you needed to really listen to me,” she says, and I nod against her chest. “Now what are you going to do about it?”
“Good morning, ladies.” Dr. Hagan’s peaceful voice floats through the room. Marcie and Becky trail closely behind her. We’re about to change shifts and our routine begins.
I PULL INTO OUR DRIVEWAY and am surprised to see Aunt Peggy’s car. She’s been so busy lately now that Epic Fail has been using Garrett’s house as their recording studio. She complains about it a little, but I know she’s secretly happy to be able to take care of all of them. My heart sinks when I think of Kai. I miss him so much.
“Sam, you’re home,” she says in her sing-song voice. “You look exhausted.”
“Back-to-back shifts will do that,” I say and sink into the living room couch.
“Kai started walking the other day,” she exclaims, and I smile from ear to ear.
“Really? That’s amazing.” I can’t believe I missed it.
“Max said he was table surfing like a pro and then just let go and kept going. He falls a lot, but it doesn’t stop him. No way.”
“Quiet at the house today?” I ask Peggy. She gives me a sideways look and knows I’m trying to fish for information.
“Garrett’s at his lawyer’s office today, and Max is home with Kai.” Her face lights up and she continues, “You know, Garrett will be gone for a few hours. You should go over to the house and see Kai walk. I know he’d love to see you too.”
I sigh. I haven’t been back to the house since that day. The day that everything between us changed.
I kick off my Danskos and curl my legs underneath me. “I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours. That’s my priority right now.” Cassie’s words ring in my head and my aunt’s expression elicits guilt.
You’re punishing Kai.
I stand up and slide back into my shoes before I change my mind. I hear Peggy breathe a sigh of relief when I walk toward the front door. “Give Kai a kiss for me, okay?”
“Of course,” I say and shut the door.
MAX IS SURPRISED TO SEE ME when he opens the front door. “Sam, how are you?” he asks. “It’s been such a long time.” He steps aside and I walk past him.
I look around the foyer and see recent pictures of Kai adorning the walls. The last time I saw him was a few weeks ago when I met him and Peggy for breakfast at the diner. “Peggy says he’s walking,” I say and strain my neck to see if he’s in the kitchen. It’s quiet in the house, so I assume he’s asleep.
“He’s like a bull in a china shop. Thank goodness your aunt baby-proofed this entire house because everything would be on its end otherwise.” He shakes his head. “Kai’s a piece of work.”
“I bet he is.” I smile.
“Would it be okay if I go upstairs and peek in on him?” I ask hopefully.
“I don’t see why not.” Max smiles and walks into the kitchen, unlocking a series of gates along the way.
I slowly climb the staircase and follow the soft pings of music coming from his room. I open the door and tip-toe in. My nose fills with his baby smells, and the soft scent of powder relaxes me. I feel at home in his room, and I slide out of my shoes so I can feel the thick carpet between my toes. The aromas and sounds begin to relax me. I reach the crib and peer in. He’s on his back with his head turned to the side. His Dalmatian and my Googie are clasped in either hand. His breaths are even and peaceful, and I could stand here all day taking in all of his perfections. I back away and sink into the rocking chair. This chair was my bed for months, and I close my eyes, trying to feel the weight of Kai against my chest. While those times were heart-wrenching and difficult, I try to remember the moments when we bonded. His cries would fill this room and stab through my heart.
Tears come to my eyes as I realize how incredibly far Kai’s progressed. How incredibly far Garrett has, too. I look over at the crib and watch the instruments spin slowly above him. That’s when a large picture on the wall catches my eye. It’s a close-up of Kai and me, our faces pressed against each other. Our smiles are huge. Two teeth peek out from his gums, and his mouth is wet with drool. His hands are on either side of my face, and he’s about to plant a wet, slobbery kiss on me. I remember the exact day that picture was taken, but it seems like a distant memory.
I pull the blanket to my nose and inhale his scent.
Why did everything have to change?
My eyes become heavy and I allow myself to drift off to sleep.
“MA-MA! MA-MA!” I HEAR, and it feels like I’m dreaming. I open my eyes, and Kai is standing in his crib, squealing. “Ma-ma!”
Garrett steps into view and walks over to the crib. I shake my head and wonder if I’m still asleep. “Hey, little guy, what are you saying?” Garrett asks as he lifts his son out of the crib. Kai’s giggles fill the room, and he squirms out of Garrett’s arms. As soon as his feet hit the carpet, he’s running clumsily toward me in the chair.
He reaches me quickly and throws himself into my arms.
“Hey, Kai. I’ve missed you,” I say and pull him against me. He’s squirming in my lap and says again, “Ma-ma.”
Garrett says quietly, “He’s been saying that for the past few days. Every time he sees your picture or hears your name.” He sits down on the bed and faces us.
“Really?” I ask, and Kai plants a wet kiss on my cheek.
“Yeah, I don’t know where it came from.” He scratches his head and smiles as he watches Kai and me together.
“Da-da?” he says and points toward Garrett.
Garrett smiles and waves to his son.
His face becomes softer and he says to me, “How have you been?” He shifts uncomfortably on the bed, and Kai wiggles out of my lap and runs to his toy box on the other end of the room. He pulls the top open and begins digging through it, looking for toys.
“I’m good,” I say and begin to fold the blanket that was covering me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here. I hadn’t slept in almost two days, and as soon as I sat down, I was out. Force of habit I guess.” I shrug my shoulders, and a smile spreads across his face.
“Seeing you in here just feels right,” he says and leans back on the pile of pillows.
Kai runs across the room and drops a red ball in my lap. “Ball!” he says and waits for me to acknowledge.
“Yes, it is a ball. Thank you, Kai,” I say, and he runs back to the toy box.
“I can’t believe he’s walking,” I say, shaking my head. “And talking.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe it either. Time has flown by. He’s getting too big, too fast,” he says and watches Kai dart back to me with another toy.
“Ball!” Kai says and drops a stuffed pig in my lap.
I laugh and pretend to give the pig a kiss.
“Ball is his go-to word for everything.” Garrett says and reaches out to high-five Kai as he once again runs to his toys. This time, he plops down and plays on his own.
“I can see that.” I smile.
“Peggy says you’ve been busy with work.”
“Yes, it’s been a crazy few weeks. Lots of babies born, and unfortunately some of them need critical care.” We have six babies in the NICU this week and once again, we’re at capacity.
He nods his head and begins to look uncomfortable making small talk.
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a large folded stack of papers. “Here, I’d like you to review these when you get a chance.”
He places the papers into my hand. Our fingers brush against each other and I almost don’t let go. He does reluctantly and sits back on the bed.
“What’s this?” I ask, unsure of what he placed in my hand.
“I met with my lawyer today to see what I could do about formalizing documents that allow you to take Kai whenever you want. It wasn’t easy to do, but he drew up a few documents that say that you’re an appointed guardian in my absence. I want him to be with you when I’m on the road.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing, and I slowly unfold the documents. They look legal, and they’re signed and notarized with raised seals and everything. “Why would you do this?” I ask, shaking my head.
“Because, there isn’t anyone on this earth that I would trust more with my son than you. He loves you, Sam.”
Kai loves me?
Kai giggles from the other side of the room and says “Ma-ma” again. He looks at me and blows kisses to me. I pretend to swipe them out of the air and press them into my heart. He laughs and continues playing.
“Garrett, I—I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. I know you’ll take good care of him when I’m not here.”
“I have a job; you know that, right?” I say.
“I’m fully aware of that,” he says and nods his head. “Peggy and Max have agreed to help you as much as you need. I can email you our travel schedule tonight when I get the final list of dates from Dax.”
I sink into the chair and tears fill my eyes again. “I’ve missed him so much.” I sob into my hands and feel Garrett next to me almost immediately. His hands cover mine, and he slowly pulls them away from my face.
“Please don’t cry,” he begs. “I didn’t do this to make you sad. It’s just—I don’t want anyone else with him but you. You’ve been with him since the first day he came into my house when I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him. You had enough strength for two. You made him who is he and I don’t want him to be without you another day.”
His words take my breath away and I stare into his eyes, unable to speak.
“In addition to allowing you full guardianship while I’m on the road, I’ve also named you as a true legal guardian. You can come and spend time with him whenever you want. Like you’re one of his parents.”
I don’t understand why he would do this, but I throw my arms around his neck. “Why?” I whisper against the stubble on his cheek.
“You’re his mother. You always have been,” he says clearly and pulls me tight against him.
“Ma-ma!” Kai yells from his pile of toys, and he giggles again.
I start to laugh, and Garrett shakes with his own fits of laughter.
I reluctantly pull away from him, trying to compose myself. I wipe away the leftover tears from my face and take a deep breath.
“Thank you,” Garrett says, backing away. Kai stands up and runs to his father, wrapping his hands around his legs tightly. “Da-da!” he exclaims.
He reaches down and picks up his son, kissing him on the cheek. “What do you think, buddy? Do you want to see Sam more?”
He claps his hands and smiles, pointing at me with his little fingers.
I don’t know what I just agreed to, but I feel really good. Amazing even.
There’s a knock on the door and Max enters hesitantly. “Sorry to interrupt this little reunion, but Kai’s lunch is ready.” Garrett puts Kai onto the floor, and he runs toward Max and offers his hand to his nanny. “Let’s go, dude. We’re about to have a mac and cheese party.”
They leave the room, and Garrett sits on the edge of the bed. His eyes don’t leave mine.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he says, and his eyes glisten.
His words tear through my heart. There isn’t a night that I go to sleep when I don’t think about the night we made love. The night when we spoke the words I never thought I’d say to another person before. I was in love with him and it was deep.
I am in love with him.
But time has changed us. The actions of his father destroyed the life we had together and hardened my heart.
“I don’t know how to ask for your forgiveness,” he says, and he places his face into his hands.
“Why would I need to forgive you?” I ask. I’m confused by his sadness.
“My father took everything away from you, and I just don’t know how to express my sorrow and beg for your forgiveness for a sin caused by a man I hardly even knew.”
His words mean more to me than any lecture I could receive from my aunt or Cassie. He had no control over his father’s actions any more than I had control over my parents being at home that day. Neither of us had any power to stop the tragedy that took place. We both lost family that day, no matter what type of people they were. My parents left their legacy in me, and I’m the person that I am today because of them. I’ve realized that although I miss them so much it hurts, they’re still with me in the way that I live my life. I carry their gifts with me.
I look at the large picture of Kai and me on the wall and I smile.
“Thank you,” I say to Garrett. “I don’t know what I would be doing if your son hadn’t saved my life a year ago. I may have spiraled out of control after Ben’s death. Kai saved me and gave me purpose. He reminded me of all of the good that my parents instilled in me. You gave me that gift.”
He shakes his head and smiles.
“God, I love you so much, Sam.”
I reach out my hand and he grabs it, squeezing tight.
“I love you too,” I say quietly, and he pulls me out of the chair and onto his lap.
He buries his head in my hair and kisses my neck. He stops after he inhales deeply and pulls away from me so he can look into my eyes. He swipes his thumb across my cheek as he cradles my face.
“Thank you for coming home,” he says and lightly kisses my lips.
Home.
It’s true that I’ve felt more at home here than any other place I’ve lived since my parents died.
I kiss him back and press my forehead against his.
“It feels good to be home.”