Sam
Present
Six Weeks Later
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“HEY, YOU HAVE YOUR FOOT BACK!” Cassie says as we walk toward the car. She drove me to the orthopedic doctor to get my final x-ray to confirm the bones in the top of my foot have healed. I had fractures in the first and second metatarsal bones, and I had to wear a large boot on my foot for six weeks. It feels great to walk without that stiff contraption on my foot. “I want to drive,” I state. It’s been a while since I’ve driven.
“Sure,” she says and tosses me the keys to Garrett’s SUV. My car has been at the house that I share with Aunt Peggy since I haven’t been able to drive for the past six weeks. She, Garrett and Cassie have all split duties in helping chauffeur me around.
Garrett has been incredible. Since my injury, he’s really taking a lead in Kai’s care. In fact, he’s home with Kai and the occupational therapist right now.
“Jim wants to know when you’re coming back to work,” Cassie says nonchalantly.
I want to go back. I really do. But I can’t imagine not being here with Kai. And Garrett.
“I don’t know, Cass.”
“You’ve been gone for almost six months. They reversed your suspension almost three months ago. It’s time, don’t you think?”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, trying to dismiss her question.
“Sam, you know I love you, and I’m so proud of everything you’re doing for Kai, but you’re a nurse, not a nanny.” She pauses and pulls something from her purse. “Maybe this will help change your mind,” she says, slipping an envelope into my bag.
“What’s that?” I ask, curiously.
“It’s a letter… from Olivia.”
My heart starts to race and I grip the steering wheel. Ben’s mother.
“What?” I ask and start to feel faint. Thankfully, Garrett’s driveway is just ahead, and I press the button to open the security gate. I slam on the brakes when we reach the top of the driveway and throw the SUV into park.
“Hey, don’t stress out about it. Jim actually read it before he gave it to me. He wants you to read it.”
I open the door and swipe my bag from the center console. “I’m going inside. Are you coming?” I ask and don’t wait for her to respond before I head toward the front door.
“I can’t,” she calls after me. “My shift starts in an hour, and I have to go home to get my scrubs. Pink monkeys today. Jealous?” She smiles warmly, trying to make me feel better.
She walks to her own car and blows me a kiss. “Call me later?” I wave goodbye without confirming.
I enter the house, and I immediately hear giggling coming from upstairs. “Aunt Peggy?” I call out but no answer. I walk up the stairs and follow the giggles obviously coming from Kai’s room.
When I open the door, I see Garrett’s face close to Kai’s bare belly, and he moves closer, blowing raspberries on him. Kai laughs, screeching and kicking his legs. His arms are flailing around, and he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him. Garrett does it again, and Kai’s giggles get louder. He’s barely able to catch his breath when Garrett tickles him again. “Do you like that?” Garrett asks his son, unaware of my presence.
“It sure looks like it!” I respond, and Garrett turns his head, startled.
Kai claps his hands in front of him and kicks his legs, laughing hysterically. The sight in front of me warms my heart. “Look who it is, buddy,” Garrett says, picking up Kai from the table. Kai continues to giggle and clap his hands. Then he sticks his tongue out and blows raspberries into the air, causing drool to drip from his mouth.
I rush over and grab a baby wipe from the table and dab Kai’s mouth and chin. He giggles and blows raspberries again, causing more drool to fall.
“I think it’s a lost cause,” Garrett says and places his hand over mine, taking the wipe away. Kai continues to giggle and drool, and it’s beautiful. He reaches his arms out in front of him and leans toward me. “Oh, Sam’s back and suddenly you want her, not me?” he teases Kai and passes him into my arms. Kai opens his mouth and places it on my cheek. It’s his idea of a sloppy kiss. And I love it.
Garrett reaches out with the baby wipe and dabs it on the wet spot on my cheek.
“Has he had a nap yet?” I ask.
Our rhythm feels so much like a family right now. It’s wonderful, but I know it isn’t real or permanent.
“No, I was just getting ready to put him down.” Garrett turns on the lullaby music and walks through the room, closing the blinds. Last week, we started putting him down in the crib awake so he can put himself to sleep. We’re slowly weaning him off of his dependence on us being physically present in order to sleep. He’s doing great, and it’s a strong sign that his recovery is progressing positively. His fits of screaming have almost all but stopped, as his body and mind heals.
I walk over to the crib and place Kai down. He grabs his stuffed Dalmatian and puts it in his mouth immediately. I turn on the mobile above him so he can watch the instruments spin. I bend down and kiss him on his forehead. “Sweet dreams, little dude.” He coos and laughs, kicking his legs in the air. He starts conversing with his stuffed animal, and Garrett and I quietly leave the room.
“You lost your boot,” he observes, turning on the baby monitor and sliding it into his back pocket. We can hear Kai’s baby sounds as we walk down the stairs.
“Yes, finally,” I say and hop off the bottom step. Garrett winces, and I trot into the kitchen.
“Don’t you think you should take it easy?” he says, following me.
“It feels great!” I look out to the backyard to the pool house. I can’t wait to finally swim again.
I look over at my bag on the counter. Knowing there’s a note in there from Olivia is rattling me to the core. What could she possibly have to say to me?
“What’s wrong?” Garrett asks.
I sigh. “I have a decision to make, and I need you to help me make it.”
“Oh?” He walks toward me and places his hands on my shoulders. “The answer is yes. Always yes,” he says and softly squeezes.
“Jim is calling in the big guns. He sent Cassie to convince me to come back to work. Now that my foot is healed and Kai is perfect, I don’t think I have any excuses not to return.”
His hands fall from my shoulders. “I guess not,” he says reluctantly.
“It’s time, right?” I say and sit down at the counter. I rifle through my bag and find Olivia’s letter. I grab it and stand up. “I’m going for a swim.”
Garrett nods and walks toward the basement. “We have a recording session tonight. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” He places his hand over his back pocket, confirming the baby monitor is there. “I’ll get Kai if he wakes up. Enjoy your swim.” He lowers his head and descends into the basement.
I know it’s going to be hard on all of us when I leave, but it’s really time. Kai is healthy. Garrett is able to care for him and Peggy is here if needed. I also have a list of nannies that I’ve been interviewing ‘just in case.’
Everything’s going to be just fine.
I enter the enclosed pool house and go right to the dressing room. I always keep at least one or two bathing suits and a change of clothes down here. I’m the only one who uses the pool anyway, so it’s like I have my own closet here.
I slip into my suit and dive into the pool. It feels great to move freely in the water, and my foot feels incredible. I’ve missed this so much.
My muscles are tired after twenty laps, and I begin to relax in the water. I flip over and float, staring through the skylights above me. The blue sky is deep and clear. I’m still panting from the swim, and I try to slow and regulate my breathing. And then I drift.
Am I ready to go back to work?
Can I pick up where I left off?
Will parents trust me with their sick babies?
Can I leave Kai?
Can I leave Garrett?
Questions without answers swirl in my head, and I need to decide what my future holds for me. I need to get back to doing what I was born to do. I have nothing left here to fix. Kai is perfect and happy. He’s on track to a healthy and normal life.
I turn in the water and swim to the edge. I see Olivia’s letter on the table and pull myself out of the pool. I wrap a towel around me, paying particular attention to dry my hands and fingers. When they’re dry, I open the envelope.
I tense as I unfold it, unsure of what I’m about to read.
Dear Samantha,
For months I’ve been at a loss for words, and now that they have finally come, I needed to contact you.
Thank you.
It must seem strange that I’m saying these words to you, but I mean them from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you.
When Benjamin was born so early, I had no hope that he would survive. He faced so many problems, and being premature was just the tip of the iceberg. His lungs were underdeveloped, his heartbeat was erratic and his brain was bleeding in more than one place. His chances were slim. Dr. Hagan was always honest with me about this. We never talked percentages, but she prepared me for the worst.
And then you arrived. You ignored the numbers. Ignored the monitors. Your care for Ben was unwavering and you did everything in your control to make sure he kept breathing for just one more day.
One more precious day.
You gave me something that I was lacking, and that was time. Every day that you cared for him, was another day that I had to see him breathe and live.
So thank you, thank you, thank you.
You allowed me to spend time with my son when he had so little of it left on this earth. It was my time with him, and you gave that gift to me.
And then it was my husband’s time.
Ben wasn’t meant to spend his days with me here. He was meant to be with his father, in Heaven.
I’m forever grateful to you, Samantha, and for the memories that you helped me create with my son.
Yours,
Olivia
I’m sobbing as I finish the letter. She’s thanking me? Forgiving me?
I drop the letter onto the pavement and slide into the water, allowing it to swallow me whole. I open my eyes underwater and see clearly to the other end of the pool. I let the air out of my lungs and I scream. The water absorbs my voice and distorts it into a garbled blur of sound. I don’t know how long I remain submerged, but when my lungs burn for air, I push myself up, gasping and breathing. The pool house is silent except for the sounds of the softly splashing waves made from my movement.
I don’t deserve her forgiveness.
Tears mix with the chlorinated water on my face, and I swim again. My arms cut through the water like sharp knives, and the muscles in my legs burn. I don’t know how many laps I do, but when I’m finished, the sun is setting. My fingertips are pruned and I’m exhausted.
I try to relax and roll onto my back, letting the water carry me through the pool.
Olivia’s letter shocked me, but it also opened my eyes. I did give her time. I did everything in my power to keep him alive for as long as possible. When Jim initially contacted me to tell me that I was no longer suspended, he told me that a new vein in Ben’s brain had started bleeding and ruptured. He was dying and we didn’t even know it. He went into heart failure and cardiac arrest. The fluid in his lungs was not from the feeding tube, but from the heart failure. I felt relief and despair at the same time. Of course, I know now that I didn’t actually kill him, but I hadn’t recognized the fact that he was already dying.
Her words ignite my desire to get back to work. It’s what I should be doing, and now I know it’s something that I have to do. Kai no longer needs me, but many other babies do.
I continue to float. I know my parents won’t answer me, but I need to ask them anyway. “Am I making the right decision?” My voice echoes in the pool house.
My heart tells me that I am.