Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
I HEAR THE BACK DOOR SLAM, and I’m startled awake. I’m sprawled out on the large couch in the den, and I crane my neck to see if Kai’s still asleep. He’s out cold in the pack and play in the middle of the floor.
“Sam?” Aunt Peggy says from the kitchen.
I stretch and sit up. What time is it? I find the clock on the wall and see it’s almost five o’clock.
“I’ll be right there,” I say quietly and stand up.
When I get to the kitchen, Aunt Peggy is unloading groceries. “Hi,” she says through a warm smile. “I’m surprised to see you up here. Isn’t it time for Kai’s occupational therapy?” Garrett has a home gym downstairs in the basement that we’ve rearranged to make into Kai’s play area. We moved out all of Garrett’s exercise equipment and filled the room with padded floors and climbing toys. His therapist comes to the house two times a week and today is usually one of those days. We’re working on helping strengthen and tone his arm and leg muscles to counteract the tightening of his back. For many months, his frequent crying and pain caused him to overdevelop the muscles in his neck and back and neglect his arms and legs. Since developmentally, he should start crawling in a month or two, we need to make sure he stays on track.
“No, Nadia had to cancel today. She’s sick.” I help her empty the bags.
“Oh, that’s too bad. The day after OT, Kai tends to have a great day,” she says.
“That’s because Nadia works him out hard,” I chuckle. “He’s physically exhausted after his therapy sessions.”
“Is he asleep?” she asks.
I look over my shoulder to check on him. “Yes, we both passed out about an hour ago.” I massage my lower back and then stretch my arms into the air. “That couch is not comfortable.”
“Neither is that chair upstairs, but you sleep in it more than you do the bed,” she replies and closes the refrigerator.
She looks at her watch. “Darn,” she says and shakes her head.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“It looks like I’m going to miss my hair appointment.”
“Why is that? You still have time, right?”
“I told Garrett I would make him dinner tonight.”
“Really? I haven’t seen you cook for him in a while. He can take care of himself,” I say and slide onto the bar stool.
“Sam, that boy doesn’t cook. You know better than that. I fill his refrigerator and freezer with tons of food for him to heat up. I’ve been doing it for years. Besides, I promised him I would make him something tonight because Heath is coming to work on some band stuff.”
“I’ll do it. You go and get your hair done. You deserve it,” I grin, and she doesn’t waste any time gathering her things. She hugs me quickly and heads toward the front door.
“Thank you! See you tomorrow,” she calls out, and she’s gone without even telling me what she was planning to feed them. Crap.
I look into the den again to make sure Kai is still asleep and begin rummaging through cabinets. I find flour and a couple of jars of sauce. Pizza. I can do that.
Now I need to Google how to make dough. As I’m swiping through my phone, Garrett comes in from the garage door into the kitchen. “Hey,” he says, surprised to see me.
“Hi.” I find the flour recipe and place my phone down on the center island.
“I hope you and Heath like pizza,” I say and grab the olive oil from the cabinet.
“Uh, yeah we like pizza. Why?” he looks puzzled and tosses his keys onto the counter.
“Aunt Peggy said she was supposed to cook for you both tonight and she had to run out, so now I’m cooking for you.”
“You don’t have to cook for me, Sam,” he says and walks toward me.
“What are you guys going to eat then?” I ask.
“There’s been a change of plans. Heath can’t make it, so I’m solo tonight.” He grins and he notices the flour and oil. “You’re going to make homemade pizza?” His eyes light up. “I haven’t had homemade pizza in forever.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Me either,” I say and brush past him to find the rest of the ingredients I’ll need to make the dough. “I hope you have yeast here,” I say.
“What?” he asks.
“Yeast. I need yeast for the dough.” I open the pantry and immediately find all of the baking supplies. You can tell my aunt is in charge of food shopping and organizing the pantry; it makes it easy to find things. “Here it is,” I say and swipe the small packet from a plastic bin on the shelf.
He raises his hands in the air and says, “I’m no good here. This is all you. But you really don’t have to make me anything. I can order something.”
Everything else I need is within reach, and I have the ingredients arranged on the center island, ready for me.
“Where’s Kai?” he asks.
“In there. Asleep.” I motion toward the den and pick up my phone. He’s watching me with amusement as I re-read the recipe. I open the flour, measure out what’s needed for the dough, and dump it into the stainless steel bowl in front of me.
“How was he today?” he asks.
I look up and swipe my hand across my forehead. I should have put my hair up.
“His day was okay,” I say and dump the rest of the ingredients into the bowl.
“Just okay?” He looks disappointed. “Where’s Nadia?” he asks, and I look up again. A large curl has fallen in front of my face, partially blocking my view of him. I attempt to brush it away and at the same time get the flour mixture on myself. His smile grows and he takes a couple of steps toward me.
“She had to cancel tonight,” I say and tense up as he gets closer. Why is he looking at me like that? “And Kai had his ups and downs.”
“You’ve got… something on your face.” He grins as he reaches out. He softly brushes the flour from my face, and I feel like I’m swaying in place.
“Th—thanks,” I stammer as he tucks the nuisance curl behind my ear. His hand lingers for a moment and then he steps away.
“I think I should help,” he says. “You’re a bit of a mess already.”
“Why don’t you grate the cheese? There’s a brick of mozzarella inside the top drawer in the refrigerator.” I assemble the hand mixer and plug it in.
“Do I have a cheese grater?” he asks, and I try to stifle a giggle.
“You really don’t spend much time in your own kitchen, do you?” I ask.
“I’m in here all the time. I just don’t know where anything is. Your aunt makes sure I don’t have to worry about any of that.” He seems embarrassed and drops his head.
I tap the drawer next to me. “Cheese grater’s in here. It’s a flat, rectangular, metal thingy,” I say, just in case he’s never seen one before.
“I know what a cheese grater looks like, Sam. I just didn’t realize I had one.” He brushes past me and opens the drawer. “See.” He points. “It’s right there.” He’s standing next to me and starts his chore. I smirk as I turn on the mixer. His elbow bumps into mine as he’s working, but I don’t move.
“Sorry,” he says, and I look over at him. Now he’s grinning, and I know that I didn’t really hurt his feelings. I bump my elbow into his on purpose and he smiles. He’s feverishly grating the cheese, and soon a large pile is on the plate in front of him.
“Enough?” he asks, and I nod. He brushes up against my side and peeks into bowl. “That doesn’t look like much dough,” he says.
“That’s what the yeast is for,” I reply and dump the packet into the mixture. “Once this is all blended together, the dough will begin to rise. It should take about an hour and then we’ll be able to make our pizza.”
He raises his eyebrow. “Our pizza?”
“I’m not putting all of this effort into something not to get anything out of it,” I say and bump my hip into his. What am I doing?
“Really?” he says and turns to wash his hands in the sink. “I guess that seems fair enough.”
“What do you want on top?” I ask.
“What?” he chokes out.
“Toppings? What do you want on top of your pizza?” Oh my God. My cheeks are burning as I stretch plastic wrap over the bowl.
“Oh.” He pauses. “I’m good with just cheese and sauce.”
“Me too,” I say. My hands are covered in flour, so I join him at the sink. “Can you leave the water on?”
“Sure,” he says, and I place my hands under the warm stream.
“Too hot?” he asks.
“No, it’s just right.”
He squeezes soap into my hands, and I rub them together, building up the lather and scrubbing off the flour that’s caked on. “Thanks,” I say. Our shoulders are touching. He remains next to me as I finish washing up. He turns off the water and places a towel over my wet hands, his strong grip patting and squeezing my hands dry. My knees are weak, and I swear his hands are the only thing keeping me upright at the moment.
“Dry?” he asks hoarsely. I look into his eyes and nod slowly. His hands remain wrapped around mine, but I don’t want to pull them away.
Suddenly Kai cries sharply from the den and I jump. Garrett drops the towel and we both rush in to calm him. Kai’s lying on his back, and his arms and legs are outstretched. His screams grab me in the chest and I lift him up. “It’s okay,” I whisper as his body tenses against mine. I rhythmically pat his back and bounce him in my arms.
“What can I do?” Garrett asks helplessly.
“Can you fix him a bottle?”
“Yes,” he says and takes off into the kitchen. Kai continues to wail and throws his head back violently.
“Hey. Shhh,” I whisper against his temple, kissing him gently. I begin to hum and cradle the back of his head, gently pushing him against my shoulder. Garrett is back within a few minutes and I sit down in the recliner.
“Here.” Garrett hands me the bottle and I shift Kai into a comfortable feeding position. As soon as I put the bottle to his lips, he takes it and begins to eat. But within seconds, he’s screaming and arching his back again. My heart is breaking for him, and Garrett kneels down on the floor beside us. His hand replaces mine on the back of Kai’s head, and he slowly massages his scalp.
Garrett looks like he’s being sliced in two by his son’s cries. His brows are furrowed and he’s stiff and tense. Worried. “Keep doing that,” I urge him. “I think that will help.” Kai’s cries slow to whimpers, and I let him calm some more before I offer the bottle again.
“How can he be so good some days and others like this?” Garrett asks softly. “I just don’t understand.” He looks into my eyes, hoping for answers.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I wish I knew.”
He nods and his hand drops to my knee. “He stopped,” he says.
I place the bottle against Kai’s lips and he begins eating, this time uninterrupted. Garrett exhales and so do I.
Garrett’s pain is tangible. I wish I could make it go away along with Kai’s pain. We’ll get there, eventually. I look down at Kai, who is now eating comfortably.
I remove the bottle and place Kai on my shoulder to burp him, which he quickly does. Garrett’s warm hand remains on my knee as I begin feeding Kai again. Garrett seems to notice his contact with me and slowly pulls his hand away. “Sorry,” he whispers and moves over to the couch. He sits there, helpless. Almost defeated.
“He’s getting better,” I encourage. “Today’s just been a really rough day. His senses seem overly heightened causing everything to bother him.”
Garrett nods slowly and I’m not sure he believes me.
Kai finishes his bottle and I’ve burped him one last time. He’s sound asleep, so I place him in his bouncy seat and strap him in. Garrett’s hand brushes mine as he covers Kai with the soft fleece blanket that was on the chair. I pull away and stand up.
“You okay?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I know you keep telling me that it’s going to get better. Easier. But every single time I see him like this I don’t believe you. His pain needs to end. He can’t continue to live like this.”
I grab hold of his hand and squeeze. “It will end. I promise.” His eyes glisten and he bows his head.
He lets go of my hand, and I follow him into the kitchen. I dim the lights so they don’t disturb Kai’s slumber.
“Time to make pizza,” I say.
“Yeah,” he says.
I turn on the oven and place the pizza stone inside. “Look,” I say, pointing to the dough in the bowl. “The yeast did its job.” The dough has expanded, almost tripled in size.
“You seem so calm, Sam. How are you not affected by what just happened in there?” he asks, his face pained.
“It’s not easy, but I know soon his pain will be a thing of the past. Every time I lay my hands on him or hold him against me, I know that I’m doing something to help his suffering.” I pause and his eyes lock onto mine, still searching for answers. “Every day is one more day that he doesn’t have drugs coursing through his veins. The pain becomes lessened over time, and as that happens, these episodes will also begin to diminish.”
He nods and I continue, “If you remember when he first came home, he would cry like that for hours on end. There were days that went by that I swear he cried for twenty-three out of twenty-four hours. Garrett, it was really bad.” I motion toward the den. “What just happened in there was a vast improvement. And it’s only the second time today. Progress.”
He exhales but still looks drawn and worried. I desperately want to comfort him, but I know I can’t. I’m his employee. Kai’s nurse.
“Now, let’s make pizza,” I say and remove the dough from the bowl.
“Thank you,” he says weakly and touches my cheek, dropping his hand to my shoulder. “I think I believe you.”
“You have to believe, Garrett. Otherwise, you have nothing.”
Light flickers in his eyes and he quickly turns away. “I’m starving,” he says.
“Then let’s do this,” I say as I begin to roll the dough out on the counter.
We prepare the pizza together in silence. I can tell he’s lost in thought and in pain. I can’t imagine what’s going through his mind every time he sees his little boy. I know I’ve gone through fits of anger when I watch Kai suffer. How can someone knowingly do this to a child? Sadie made terrible choices. Choices that Kai is now paying for.
“You look mad,” he says, breaking our silence. We’re both seated at the kitchen island, watching the pizza cook in the oven.
I sigh. “No, just thinking.”
“About?” he urges.
“I’m trying to understand what would make someone do this to a child. I think about it every time I hold and comfort Kai. He did nothing to deserve the pain that he’s living with every day. I do feel anger, but I also pity her.”
He clenches his fists and I tense, waiting for him to take a swing at something. He tries to regulate his breathing, and I know he’s doing everything to remain calm. “I don’t want to talk about her,” he says.
The oven timer goes off, and I jump to my feet. I grab two oven mitts and remove the stone, placing it on top of the stove. “This needs to cool off a little,” I say and turn to him.
“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. It’s just… I can’t feel anything for Sadie but contempt and anger. So let’s just leave it alone, okay?”
I nod. “When you’re ready to put aside your anger, you’ll be surprised what your heart will find.” He looks at me, surprised. “Your son is a gift.”
He drops his shoulders and inhales deeply. “You’re right.”
“Still hungry?” I ask and grab the pizza cutter from the drawer. He nods quickly and I serve the first few slices. Before I know it, the entire pizza is gone and both of our plates are empty. The air is lighter between us, and I’m thankful he’s relaxed a bit.
“I’ve never seen a girl eat that much pizza,” he jokes and pushes his plate away from him.
I blush and wipe my mouth with a napkin. “I love pizza.”
“We should do this more,” he says.
“Yeah?” I ask. “You mean you’re going to help cook? I think my aunt will want to know about this.”
He’s unmoved by my teasing and declares, “Every Thursday is now pizza night. And next week, you’ll have to show me how to make the dough.” He looks around the kitchen and I notice there’s flour everywhere. “You’re not exactly a neat cook.” He smirks.
“No, I’m not. But you have to admit, that was damn good pizza,” I say, very proud of myself.
“It was amazing.”
I like that we’ve connected tonight. I feel like I can help him open up more and become confident in his abilities to care for his son, even if he carries such anger and resentment toward Sadie. I know I can help him.
“Pizza Thursday,” I say. “I like the sound of that.”
Kai starts to stir in the other room, and we both jump up. Concern floods his face once again, and I touch his arm. “I’ll take care of him. He just sounds a little fussy and probably needs a diaper change.” I look around the kitchen at the mess that we made. “Why don’t you clean this up and meet me upstairs in his room in a little bit?”
“Okay,” he says reluctantly, and I walk past him to get Kai.
As I carry Kai up the stairs, I notice a new picture on the wall. It’s a close-up of Kai, and he’s smiling huge. This picture is proof of the immense progress that we’ve made. It took months for him to smile for the first time, and Garrett captured it perfectly in this photo.
I settle into the rocking chair with him and hold him close, his breathing even and calm. I drift off to sleep with this strong little boy pressed close to my chest. Progress.
I OPEN MY EYES AND SEE a familiar form on the day-bed. Garrett’s awake and his eyes meet mine. “Hey,” I say groggily.
He blinks slowly and says, “Hey.”
“What time is it?” I ask and shift Kai gently in my arms.
“Three thirty,” he says quietly and sits up. The stiffness in my neck tells me the clock must be right. I think I dozed off around ten or eleven.
“It’s my turn,” he says as he makes his way toward me and Kai. I nod and stand up slowly so I don’t wake him.
I transfer his son into his arms as he settles himself in the chair. I stretch and feel my spine crack.
“You’ve got to stop sleeping in this chair,” he whispers as he looks down at his son. Kai is sleeping peacefully.
I crawl into the day-bed and find the warm spot that Garrett left behind. “Soon,” I say as sleep starts to take me again. “Kai’s going to get better and then you won’t need me.”
As I drift back to sleep, I hear a soft whisper.
“We’ll always need you.”