Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“GOODNIGHT, DR. HAGAN,” I SAY as I walk out the door of the NICU. “Take care,” she says through her ever-present warm smile.
Since I’ve been back to work, my life has started to get back to normal. I think. My daily routine consists of a walk or jog, depending on my mood, a light breakfast and then an action-packed day at the hospital. So, yeah, normal.
My phone buzzes and I see a text message on the screen.
MAX: THANKS AGAIN FOR THE REFERRAL. KAI IS AMAZING AND THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL. TALK SOON.
I smile and place my phone into my backpack. I’m so relieved that Garrett hired Max. He was number one on my list to replace me, and it’s working out great so far. Or at least that’s what Peggy tells me.
Garrett and I haven’t spoken since I left three months ago. My heart is empty, and it still hurts. How can I possibly be with a man whose father murdered my family? Every time he looked at me, touched me, made love to me, I would think of all that was taken away. I’ve heard nothing but grief from Aunt Peggy about all of this. Our conversation last night replays in my head.
“How was work, Sam?” Aunt Peggy asks, making small-talk.
“It’s good.” I’ve been welcomed back with open arms, but it still feels weird. Walking into the NICU for the first time since the incident with Ben was surreal. It was also a crazy day with four babies admitted with varying levels of issues, so I didn’t have much time to lament and feel sorry for myself. I jumped right in and the days since have flown by. Everything is ‘normal.’
“Kai’s crawling,” she says and places a pot on the stove for tea. My heart pulls and I bow my head. I wish I could be there to see his milestones. I miss him.
“That’s awesome!” I respond, rolling the string of the tea bag between my fingers.
“He’s like a bullet, I swear. As soon as his knees hit the floor, he’s off. Max has his hands full.”
“I’m glad it’s working out so well.”
“It really is,” she says. “Oh, I forgot to mention that his occupational therapy is also ending soon. Nadia’s last day is next week.”
It’s truly amazing the strides that Kai has made. He’s come so far. My eyes tingle as tears threaten. I shake my head and sit up straight in the chair. “Please give her my best, if you see her.”
The hot water comes to a boil, and she removes the pot from the stove. After she pours us each a large cup full, she pushes a spoon across the table to me. “Sam, Garrett misses you.” She quickly realized after I left that something more was going on between the two of us. She could sense it, as much as Garrett and I tried to be discreet about the stolen kisses and longing looks. She believes that it was fate that brought us together. I don’t believe her.
Another stab in my chest and I inhale deeply. “Please, don’t,” I say as I swirl the tea bag in the hot water.
We sit silently until she speaks again. “You need to get past this. You’re acting as if Garrett killed your parents. We both know that isn’t true. That poor boy had nothing to do with the actions of his estranged father.”
I snap my head and glare at her. Doesn’t she get it? That sick fuck’s blood is running through Garrett’s veins. “We’re not having this conversation again.” I snap and push the tea away.
I feel bad the way I left her last night, but I just can’t go there right now. As much as I want to walk through his door like nothing happened, curl up next to him in his bed and wish all of this darkness to go away—I can’t.
The front door opens, and I hear commotion in the foyer. “Ba-ba!” Kai’s voice echoes through the halls. He’s here?
I rush to see him and he’s trying to wrangle from Aunt Peggy’s arms. “Kai, please give me a minute to get into the house.” She’s laughing as she drops her purse and keys on the table and then places him down on the floor.
He’s on all fours and at first hesitates. He hasn’t been here in a long time, and he seems unsure of his surroundings. He pats his hands on the floor and then looks up, sees me and darts across the floor giggling.
“Kai!” I screech and get down on my knees, arms outstretched. Giggles and drool escape his mouth, and he’s in my lap before I know it. I squeeze him tight and kiss him all over his chubby cheeks.
“What are you doing here?” I ask my aunt.
“Kai had a doctor’s appointment today, and I thought I’d stop by here before taking him home.” Her motives for bringing him are obvious, but I ignore them because I’m holding my favorite little man in my arms. I rub noses with him and he pats his hands on my face. He starts to squirm out of my arms and I place him back down on the floor and he once again takes off like a flash.
“We don’t have a child-proof house, Aunt Peggy.” I take off after him as he weaves his way through the foyer into the den. Once he’s on soft carpeting, he sits up and starts clapping. Aunt Peggy hands him some toys from her bag and he bangs them together, laughing.
“We’ll only be here for a few minutes,” she says as she brings several other bags into the kitchen. “I needed to drop off a few things.”
I sit down on the floor across the room from Kai and roll one of his balls toward him. He giggles and says, “Ba!” The ball glides toward him and he snags it, giggles and throws it up in the air. We play this game of ‘catch’ for several minutes, and he moves on, crawling through and exploring the den. I haven’t seen him since his last well-visit, which was over a month ago. He wasn’t this mobile then and it’s amazing to see him so happy and active.
“Kai, buddy, it’s time to go,” Aunt Peggy calls out. “Your Daddy’s home waiting for you.” Kai giggles and tries to scamper away while saying “Da-da!” Peggy scoops him up and I stand to walk them out. I kiss him on the cheek and brush my hand across his hair. “See you, little man.”
Aunt Peggy nods toward the kitchen. “There’s a bag for you on the counter.”
“Oh?” I ask.
She just smiles and walks out the door. “Happy Thursday.”
It hurts watching Kai leave with her, and I wish there was something more I could do. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. I love that little boy.
There’s one canvas bag left on the counter in the kitchen, and I look at it warily. What is she up to?
I open it and see all of the ingredients needed to make pizza, and my heart tugs in my chest. Pizza Thursday. There’s a note sitting on top of the ingredients, and I recognize the handwriting immediately. Garrett.
Sam,
Can I come over tonight and help make this?
G
My head begins to spin and my chest tightens. I crumble the note and toss it into the garbage can and then put away all of the ingredients, slamming doors and drawers as I do. He can’t be serious. This is not going to happen.
I pick up my cell and hit Cassie’s speed dial. “Hey, chick,” she says, practically singing into the phone.
“I want to go out tonight,” I snap and stare at the crumbled note at the top of the garbage. “I have to go out tonight,” I state.
“What’s going on?” she asks, concern in her voice.
“Nothing. I just need a night out with my bestie. Are you in or not?”
“I’m always in. I’m on call, but let’s go out anyway. I’ll pick you up in an hour.” She hangs up, and I toss my phone onto the counter.
I have no intention of being here tonight.