Greydon

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I was up shit creek. No, I was buried in deep shit. And it was my fault.

“Grey, whatever did you do to that girl?”

“Mom, I don’t need a lecture now. Your help is what I’m calling for.”

She showed up exactly like I knew she would. Dad did too. The expressions they both wore weren’t anything I wanted to deal with at the moment. The kids were happy to see them, but I felt like a twelve-year-old again. Dad took care of the kids while Mom took care of giving me that talking down I had coming.

“What the hell happened, Grey? You will explain, or your father and I will leave.”

“She quit.”

Mom stared at me like I didn’t have one ounce of sense. “I could slap you right now. I know that. But why?”

“She couldn’t hack it, Mom.”

“Grey?” The question begged for more of an explanation.

I scrubbed my face and skimmed over the sketchy details. She didn’t buy it. Mom was more perceptive than that.

She took the mom stance, the one with a hand on one hip and a foot placed in front of the other. Oh, I knew that stance well. I’d faced it many times as a teenager. It was her combative posture and she was ready to duke it out with me. “Bullshit. You were an asshole to her, weren’t you? What did you do to that girl? Your children adore her and she did everything in here but mop the floors. Oh wait, she did that too.” Her pointer finger came up for that last remark.

“I have a housekeeper for that.” My argument fell short.

“And you don’t think the kids spill stuff every day? Do you see a dirty house? Is there laundry piled up? Are your children lacking for anything? Do your kids ever tell you they’re hungry, tired? Do you see a complete mess when you get home at night or are your children bathed and ready for bed—not that you would know about that anymore? Oh, and how did the move go, by the way? Were your kids’ rooms unpacked? Were their things put away? Their beds made up? Their toys put up? Their books put on shelves?” Sarcasm oozed from every one of her words.

When I stopped to think about it, that poor girl took on far more than a mere nanny should’ve had to.

She didn’t give me the opportunity to answer before she charged on, her finger digging into my chest. “Oh, and when was the last time you helped Kinsley with her homework? Attended a meeting with Kinsley’s teacher? The school year is ending in a week. Were you even aware of that?”

“Shit.”

“Shit is right. That about sums up your current parenting skills. You’re pathetic. I thought I raised you better than this. What happened to you? You used to be Father of the Year. Where is that man now, Grey?” She held out her phone.

“What’s this?”

“Call her. Right now. Because that woman, the one you let walk away, is the only hope your children have. She is raising them, Grey, and if for one solitary minute, you would pull your head out of your ass, you would notice that.” Her tone gave me no opportunity for arguing.

My hands were fisted in anger, not at my mother, but at myself. “She won’t answer. I’ve already tried.”

“Don’t be such a fool. She won’t know it’s you. You’d be calling from my phone.”

I plowed a hand through my hair and blew out a puff of air. “I don’t know, Mom. I really fucked it up.”

“Don’t use that word around me. You know how much I hate it. Call her this second. Yes, you’ve made a mess of things, but it’s never too late to make amends. Grey, you have a huge heart inside that body of yours. Start using it, dammit.” Her phone sat in her hand, like my lifeline. Marin was my only chance.

Grabbing it, I had to search for her number in my own phone in order to place the call. I was still surprised when she answered.

“Hello?” She clearly didn’t know who it was.

“Please don’t hang up. I was a first class jackass and I’m sorry. But the kids need you. And that may be another jackass thing to say, but it’s true. I need you too. This house can’t possibly function without you. I’m begging, Marin. Anything you want.”

“Too late, buddy. I gave you multiple chances and you blew every one of them. I …”

At that exact moment, salvation in the form of my dark-haired polka dot, blew into the room yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, when is Marnie coming home?” It was impossible for Marin not to hear her.

“Baby, I’m not sure if she is.”

“Why not?”

“Here, why don’t you ask her.” I handed her the phone. It may have been completely cruel of me to use my daughter as a weapon, but I needed that woman more than I needed anything else at the moment.

Kinsley grabbed the phone out of my hand and asked, “Marnie, why aren’t you coming home?”

I couldn’t hear her response, but Kinsley said, “But I love you so much and so does Aaron only he can’t talk right. Who’s gonna take me to school and help me with everything? Mommy’s with the angels and now you’re leaving too. And who’s gonna help Aaron with his dance lessons?” Then she broke into tears. I gathered her into my arms and handed the phone to Mom.

“Can you talk to Marin for a second, please? Tell her I’ll call her back.”

I carried Kinsley to the big leather chair in the office and sat down with her in my lap. “Polka dot, it’s going to be okay. We’re a big old team, remember?”

“I liked it better when Marnie was here. You work all the time.”

My brittle heart exploded into a million shards. “I know you did. But we’ll be just fine again, you’ll see. Gammie will help and Bebop too. And maybe we’ll find a different Marnie.”

“I don’t want another Marnie. Marnie was my friend.”

We sat together for a long time, so long that I lost track of time. How in the hell would I persuade her to come back? I smoothed Kinsley’s hair and murmured soft words to her as I tried to figure out how to handle this. The main thing on my list was becoming a better dad … like the kind I used to be. Then I heard a tap on the door and looked up to see Marin standing there. Kinsley’s head was squished into the curve of my neck, so she didn’t see her. I poked her on the side and said, “Hey, kiddo, you’ve got a surprise.”

“What?”

“Look over there.”

When she did, she rocketed off my lap, and bolted across the room like a slingshot, straight into Marin’s arms. Marin’s eyes were narrowed on mine. I got the feeling she was warning me and I heard her loud and clear. No more fuck ups. I dipped my head right before she and Kinsley left the room. I’d made up my mind to be the father I used to be, along with being a better employer. I didn’t need a repeat performance of today.

A week later, Kinsley had her end of the year school night and I was on call. I begged my partner to switch with me, but there was no way he could do it. His kid was also in some school program. I made the dreaded call.

“Marin, I—”

“I know. You can’t make it.”

“I tried to switch, but Josh’s kid has his program too. I swear.” I whined like a five-year-old.

“Listen to me. I don’t care if you have to wear those green scrubs and one of those goofy hats. Your ass better be there or else.” The call ended.

Fuck, she meant business. I checked the time and prayed that at six forty-five, I wouldn’t be in the EP lab doing a procedure on someone. The minutes ticked by and at six thirty, I warned the nurses I would be leaving but would have my phone. If anything happened, they were to text me. I would respond immediately. I begged God to give me a quiet night, at least until Kinsley was through with her part of the performance.

At seven, I ran into the school auditorium, dressed exactly like Marin described, and feeling like an idiot. But I didn’t care. I hunted her down because if she didn’t see me, my ass was finished. I finally located her, sitting off to the side, alone, with Aaron. There were empty seats around her, thankfully, so my long strides ate up the aisle and I sat down next to her.

She gave me a sidelong glance and then said, “You can take off that stupid hat. I don’t think you need it in here.”

I quickly yanked it off my head. She had a way of making me feel foolish. Then she plopped Aaron in my lap. He slapped me in the face the first chance he had and then laughed.

“Shh,” I said. That made him laugh harder.

The music started up and the curtain opened. The first crew came out and they were the littlest things, cute as could be. They ran around in a state of confusion and the auditorium broke out in laughter. I relaxed more and more as the song went on. When it was over, the next group came out.

“This is Kinsley’s group.”

I perked up. She was dressed in a fish outfit. Well, sort of. I had no idea she even owned this. A smiling blue fish hat sat squarely on top of her head and she wore a blue sparkly shirt that mimicked fish scales and had a fin jetting out on the back. Her skirt had layers of sparkly tulle underneath it and the group sang “Under The Sea.” They weren’t bad, and I could pick out her voice because there were only ten of them. My heart soared for this precious little daughter of mine and then it sank for all the programs of hers that I’d missed. When she was done, I stood up like a fool and gave her a standing ovation. Marin grabbed my arm and jerked me back into my seat.

“What?”

“You’re making a spectacle of yourself. Behave.” This time her words weren’t angry ones. They were filled with amusement and her eyes danced as they watched me.

“She was so good.”

“Yes, she always is.”

Now I felt even worse. Marin must’ve sensed that, because she said, “I have tons of pictures and videos saved for you.”

“You … tons of videos?”

“Yeah. I was waiting for you to express an interest in your kids.”

“I guess I deserved that.” Poor Aaron had gotten rattled around with me standing and clapping, but he didn’t mind a bit. He only grinned, like he usually did.

I looked down at him and thought about how his birthday had come and gone. I wasn’t present for it—couldn’t force myself to be there. The one year mark of his birth had left a sour taste in my mouth. Only now as I looked at him, I thought how all of this wasn’t his fault. I kissed the top of his head, and damned Susannah again. Had I done something to send her into the arms of another man? Was I such a terrible husband? We never fought or argued. I thought we’d had a good marriage. How could I have been so wrong?

My phone beeped with a text. I checked it to find I needed to go.

Marin saw and nodded. I handed Aaron off and said, “Tell my polka dot I’m so very proud of her and that I love her more than ice cream. I’ll call as soon as I can.”

She touched my arm as I was leaving. “Hey, I’m glad you made it.”

“Not near as much as I am.”

I turned to leave, but her voice stopped me.

“Don’t forget your goofy hat.” She pointed to the chair next to me where I’d left the damn thing. My goofy hat. That brought a smile to my face.

“Right. Thanks.”

I thought about Kinsley’s performance the whole night. But she wasn’t the only one I thought about. Why hadn’t I opened my eyes to what was right in front of them before?