Greydon

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I was sitting at my desk, skimming through my emails when Josh stuck his head in my office.

“Hey, don’t forget the office family picnic this weekend.”

Shit.

“Damn, thanks for the reminder.”

“Don’t you put this stuff in your calendar?”

“Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.”

He let out a deep chuckle. “Guess you were trying to sneak out of it then, huh?”

“No, it just wasn’t on my mind.”

“So, what was?”

Marin riddled with anxiety over a mere cold was. Last night, when I got home, she nearly assaulted me with questions. I assured her it was nothing and that kids got sick all the time.

“Not these kids. They haven’t been sick a day since I’ve been here.”

“You’ve only been here four months or so. Just give it some time.”

I told Josh about it.

“Hey, consider yourself lucky. You actually found a nanny who cares. We’ve had terrible luck finding a good one.”

“Is that right?”

“Yes, and the one I have now is obsessed with germs. She’s constantly wiping everything off. It makes me crazy. I want to tell her to let the kids build up some immunities.”

“At least you don’t get reprimanded for not knowing pediatric diseases.”

“Truth. Man, I bet you wanted to give her a real tongue lashing.”

“More like a … never mind.” For some reason, her bossiness had been kind of hot, not to mention our verbal sparring. And it rattled me to the core. She was the nanny, and off-limits. I kept reminding myself of that.

He turned to leave and said, “Saturday. Noon. Don’t forget, asshole.”

I gave him the thumbs up. Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to a Saturday afternoon picnic with the office staff. I wondered if Marin would be able to go. She could help watch the kids, which would be great.

That afternoon, after a relatively smooth day, I plopped my ass down into a chair in Mike, my psychiatrist’s, office.

“So? What’s new?”

“Things are better at home,” I said.

“Oh?”

It always drove me crazy when he did this shit. Threw the ball right back to me with absolutely no advice.

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Never give me advice.”

“Grey, if you want advice, write to Dear Abby. So? Explain how things are better. Tell me about your engagement with your children.”

He always found the snag, didn’t he? I shifted in my seat. “Kinsley is in love with the nanny. She really adores her.”

“Why the look?”

“The look?”

He laughed. “Your expression. If your brow was any more furrowed, you wouldn’t be able to see.”

I raised a hand to my forehead to ease the tension because indeed, he was correct. “She has a way with the kids that’s … genuine. She … loves them I think.”

He leaned closer. “That’s wonderful. You must be happy about that, knowing your kids are with someone who genuinely cares about them. What about your engagement with them? Is it any better?”

I squirmed. “I’m working on it.”

“Care to explain?”

“My nanny is on my ass constantly. She says I’m selfish.”

“And what do you say?”

“It’s difficult to argue with her, but she doesn’t know the whole story either.”

Mike leans back in his chair. I can tell by his expression he’s not buying my explanation. “Grey, by your own admission, you were never this way with your children before. How can we get back to the real Grey? You’re not a selfish man.”

“I wish I knew. I’m trying. It easier with Kinsley, but Aaron, I can’t decide what to do. She sees my reticence with him and takes it for selfishness.”

“I see. Let’s get back to the nanny. You’re happy the kids get along with her.”

“Uh huh.” I nodded.

“But I sense there’s more.”

He was right, only I was unwilling to admit it. “More?”

“More than just the relationship between the kids and the nanny.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He offered me one of his calm smiles. “Do you want me to spell it out for you, Grey?”

“You think I have a thing for her?”

“Do you?”

I swallowed. Why was it so hard to admit?

“Let’s try another subject then since you’re so … taciturn about this one. What about your decision on the DNA?”

The question hung between us, like a noose waiting to be tightened around my neck.

“Grey?” he prompted.

I gritted my teeth and admitted, “I don’t know.”

“You can’t keep torturing yourself. You’re eventually going to have to shit or get off that damn pot you’ve been on for how long now? Almost a year? Even I have to say it’s a little ridiculous.”

“Are you calling me out?”

“Damn right I am.”

This was the first time he’d gotten tough with me. I didn’t respond, only gaped at him because it had actually shocked me.

“Listen to me. If you know, you know. Aaron is yours for the long haul, whether you like it or not. If you get the test results and they tell you he doesn’t carry your DNA, you will have the answer. If they do say he’s yours, then you know. But this lack of knowing is disturbing you. You’re acting as though he’s not yours anyway, so what does it matter?”

When I didn’t respond, he continued, “Who would you give him to if the test shows you’re not his father?”

“No one.” I was indignant he’d even asked me that.

He leaned back, crossed his legs, and said, “Exactly.”

Then another thought popped into my head. “Holy shit. Aaron may have half-siblings.”

“Something else you may want to explore when he gets older, but that’s up to you.”

I knew Allie Gordon had two children, but I didn’t know their ages. Did that give him a right to know them?

“Yeah, I need to get this done. If he’s not mine, would I have a responsibility to tell Allie Gordon?”

He shrugged. “You may want to talk this over with your parents or brother, who’s an attorney. They could give you better guidance on this issue. My role is to get your head straight. The bottom line here … or question … is what will you do when you find the answer? How will it change the way you treat Aaron?”

I knew I’d backed away from him and that needed to change. I had to get right in my head over it. Maybe this would be the first step.

“You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“I was hoping I’d given you a lot to act on. The thinking is what’s killing you. It’s time for you to make a decision.”

“You’re right.”

He uncrossed his legs and said, “Good. I want to see you back in two weeks. And Grey? I want you to either have made a decision or have done the test by then? Are you good with that?”

“Yeah. I am.”

After I got into my car, I googled DNA test kits on my phone and ordered one. I still wasn’t sure I’d actually go through it, but if I had it, maybe it would make the decision for me.

On Saturday, we pulled up to the park for the office family picnic. Marin wasn’t very excited about going. She tried to worm her way out of it, saying it wasn’t appropriate for her to attend a family event like this since she technically wasn’t family.

“It’s very appropriate. You’re there for the kids. And there’ll be others there besides family.” The truth was I couldn’t imagine going without her.

But I was wrong. In the past when I’d come to these, I’d never paid attention to who attended them. No one had brought their nannies or anyone outside of their immediate families. Marin was right and it was obvious the situation was extremely awkward for her. However, even if I had known, I still would’ve wanted her here.

“Are you sure I shouldn’t leave?” she asked.

“Of course not. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want you here.”

“Everyone’s staring.”

Taking a quick look around, she was right. They were and it was rude. “Not everyone.”

“Most of the women are.”

“Ignore them.” But it was easier said than done. I wasn’t the one they were staring at. I did my best at making her a feel like she belonged, but it was a little weird. People would ask about her, but I actually knew very little to tell. I’d never taken the time to learn anything about her, which was inconsiderate and sheer laziness on my part. If I hadn’t investigated where she went to school—which was Emerson College, consistently rated the number one school in the nation for journalism—I wouldn’t have known since I hadn’t directly asked her. Ironically, Emerson was in Boston and I had to laugh since she gave me such shit about my Harvard education.

The thing that impressed me though was how well she handled herself. I thought we had a friendly staff until today. The nurses and office employees treated her like a pariah. Maybe it was because she looked different from the rest of them. Or perhaps they were protective of their little group. But I didn’t like it and wasn’t proud of them at all. I bit back several replies at times because children were present, but at our Monday lunch staff meeting, I would be sure to address this issue.

All the men tried to corral me over to where the corn hole contests were going on, but I declined because I didn’t want to leave Marin alone with the kids. It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle them. It was because of the remarks I kept overhearing and it was pissing me off.

Josh’s wife, who’d been very kind to me this past year, came over to speak with us.

“Grey, it’s been awhile. I hope you’re doing well.”

“Ashley, it’s good to see you. This is Marin. She takes care of the kids and she’s been a lifesaver.”

They greeted each other and Ashley was extremely warm to her.

She gestured to a group of people and said to me, “I was wondering if you would like to join us over there. I thought maybe the kids would like to play together with the others.”

Marin glanced at me with eyes begging to say no. But Ashley wasn’t like the women who had made snide comments and I wanted Marin to know that. “It’s fine with me as long as Marin is okay with it.”

Her brows shot up. She didn’t expect that, nor did Ashley from the way she looked at the two of us. I was trying to make a point, which was Marin wasn’t just some idiot to be treated poorly like the rest of the office staff was doing.

“Er, yeah. I think it would be great for the kids.”

“Then let’s do it.”

As we walked, Ashley said, “Josh would kill me for mentioning this, but I heard your date with Deanna was a disaster.”

I almost choked on my tongue. My eyes went straight to Marin. It wasn’t like I needed her approval to date or anything.

“Uh, well, I didn’t realize she thought of it as a date.”

Ashley cracked right up. “You’re joking, right?”

“No! Josh made it sound like she needed a stand-in for a wedding. When I met her, it was just as a friend.”

“Come on, Grey. Take a look at yourself. You’re the new Dr. McDreamy. Everyone is talking about getting their little paws on you. Or rather getting their paws in your …” She chuckled at her little joke, which I didn’t find very amusing.

I glanced at Marin again. “Start spreading the news, Ashley. That’s never gonna happen.”

She grabbed my arm. “You can’t be serious. You could have your pick of the crop. Heck, you could have the whole crop if you wanted it.”

“I don’t want any part of the crop. I only want to raise my kids.”

I cut a peek at Marin, and she stood awkwardly with the children as we discussed the possibility of me dating someone. “Look, don’t take this the wrong way. But I did that once and it ended up pretty badly. I’m not ever taking that chance again.”

“Not all women are like Susannah.”

Kinsley’s head turned toward us at the mention of her mom, and she said, “Miss Ashley, you know my mommy lives with the angels now and I have angels in my room.”

“Listen, let’s not discuss this in front of the kids. It’s not the most appropriate thing, wouldn’t you agree?” I mumbled to Ashley,

“Yes, and I apologize,” she whispered. And then she and Kinsley had a discussion about angels as we continued walking. Marin kept peering my way every now and again as she held Aaron’s hand. No telling what the hell was running through her head now.