Greydon

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Marin surprised me, she really did. I suspected all along she would push me away. But she didn’t. Now all I wanted to do was learn everything possible about her. We were stuck in Aaron’s glass cubicle all day, so we might as well start now.

I began with questions about her college days and why she chose journalism.

“My dad had visions of me practicing law with him, but I’m afraid I was a huge disappointment. I had this urge to write. In high school, I would sit for hours, creating these stories and handing them in to my teachers. They encouraged me to study creative writing and literature, but it wasn’t for me. My interests were more in current events, so I turned toward journalism. When I was a junior, I had this amazing teacher who helped me after school each day, He taught me how to craft journalistic articles. My school didn’t have a journalism class until you were a senior. He was the one who encouraged me to go to Emerson. So, there’s that.”

“And you graduated magna cum laude?”

She squints at me. “How did you know that? I never told you.”

“My mom did. I did ask a few questions about you after you came to work for me. I didn’t know what your degree was in though until you told me. And after I found out you went to Emerson, imagine the good laugh I had over the shit you gave me about Harvard.”

Two bright spots of pink dotted her cheeks. I reached out to brush the back of my hand over them and felt the heat radiating off her. “Don’t be embarrassed. I have a tendency to act like an ass. It’s a defense mechanism when I’m challenged. Or when I’m pissed.”

Her hands covered her cheeks after I took mine away. “I hate that I get so red like that.”

“I think it’s sexy.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” I wanted her to feel she was able to question me about anything.

She tilted her head and appeared hesitant for a second before she blurted, “Why are you so distant with the kids?”

No toe dipping with this one. She took the plunge, head first. “I wasn’t always. I’ve not been in the best place and I … it’s been hard. It’s not right, I know. I try. You don’t see it, I’m sure. This sounds like I’m making excuses. Before Susannah died, I was in the thick of things with them. When it was just Kinsley, I did it all. You probably can’t picture it, but it’s true. I was Mr. Mom. What she did really destroyed me and it wasn’t just the cheating. It was the effect on the family. It was the destruction of trust. And the lying. Those were always my two deal-breakers and she knew it. We’d talked often about it. She traveled a lot for her job and I put my trust and faith in her and there she was, cheating for over two years. It shook the foundation of everything for me.”

Marin was silent for a moment. “They need you, Grey. Go back to them.”

Those words were an arrow to my heart. I vowed to make a change starting today.

“It may seem like a mountain, but it’s not. Take it a day at a time,” she said.

“You’re right and I’m such a shit.”

She rested her hand on my arm. “Not a shit, just an absentee dad. And it’s an easy thing to change. So why cardiology?”

My mind reeled with how I had to change things at home, but I answered her anyway. “Nice diversion. When I was in medical school, I did my cardiac rotation and that was it. I knew if I couldn’t do cardiology, it would crush me. That’s how important it was to me.”

“Why so?”

We’re seated, she on the recliner and me on the hard chair. I scooted closer to her and picked up her hand. “Some people think it’s the God syndrome—you know where people feel like they’re God saving other’s lives. But that’s not it for me. I found that saving someone, preventing them from dying, and keeping them with their loved ones longer, made being in school and all the years of residency and fellowship worth everything. There are a lot of jobs out there that people love. But I am crazy about what I do. I know without a doubt I made the right choice.”

“What would you have done if you wouldn’t have gotten into the cardiology fellowship? Isn’t that how it works?”

“Correct. You do a medicine residency, usually, and then apply for a cardiology fellowship. As for an answer, I don’t know. I didn’t have a Plan B.”

She taps my arm. “No Plan B?”

“None. Other than I figured I would keep trying until I got accepted.”

“But you did.”

“I did.”

She squeezes my hand when she says, “And you came to your hometown. Why?”

“I was done with Boston. I stayed there for my residency and ended up becoming chief.”

“Chief? Is that like some special pow wow society?” She smirked.

Was she serious? It was hard not to laugh. “You really don’t know?”

“I assume it’s some kind of fancy title.”

“It’s the Chief Resident in the Department of Medicine. It’s a position you strive to attain as a medicine resident.”

“I see. Were you ever worried about being accepted?”

“Not really but I wanted to leave Boston and come to Manhattan. My first choice was Weill Cornell in New York. I did my three-year cardiology fellowship and two-year electrophysiology fellowship there. After five years at New York-Presbyterian, I was ready for a change. That’s when we moved up here and the rest you can probably deduce on your own.”

“Hang on a sec. You went to medical school for four years. Then you did a residency for what? Three years?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you did another five years in fellowships?”

“That’s right.”

“That’s a total of …” She looks up at the ceiling while she adds in her head. “That’s twelve years. That’s a really long time!”

“I was glad when it was over. But the truth is, during my fellowships, it was hands-on learning that was invaluable. The final two years was incredible.”

“Really? I would think it was torture.”

“Not at all. It was where I learned to induce arrhythmias in people and bring their hearts back into normal rhythm.”

She made a face like she just swallowed sour milk. “Ugh. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.”

“Let me explain. Sometimes the heart gets off its normal rhythmic pathways. The electric circuitry gets screwed up. Often, it’s benign and the person can just live out a normal life with no harm. Other times the arrhythmia is deadly and doesn’t allow the heart to pump blood properly, so without shocking it back into normal rhythm, the person will die. Drugs can control this, sometimes not. My job is to find out why it’s happening or where the arrhythmia stems from. So, I go into the heart and locate it. Sometimes, I have to induce the heart to have one when I’m inside so I can see what’s going on to make the proper diagnosis. If I think it’s treatable with drugs, then we go that route. If not, we implant an ICD or an implantable cardioverter defibrillator. It will shock the heart back into normal rhythm if it has an arrhythmia. Sometime a person won’t even know it’s happening.”

“That sounds horrible.”

“It’s not as bad as that. The patient is sedated and we talk them through it.”

“Don’t you have to cut them open?”

“No, we go through the wrist or the groin, like when you have a heart catheterization.”

“Oh. That sounds much better. Are they scared?”

“Yeah, but I do my best to calm them down. And the drugs help relax them too.”

Suddenly, Aaron let out a yell. She jumped up and ran to his crib. “He’s awake,” she said to me. Then to Aaron, she said, “Hey buddy. How’s my guy?” He let out a gusty cry. She picked him up to comfort him, swaying back and forth with him in her arms. “It’s okay, buddy, you’re going to be fine now.” His cries changed to whimpers and he quieted down as his little hands clung to her arms.

“Do you think he’s hungry? He hasn’t eaten since yesterday.”

“Probably. We should get him some food. Let me ask the nurse.” But I didn’t have to because she came striding into the room.

“How is he?”

“Maybe he should eat?” Marin asked.

“Let me check.” She went to the computer and it said he could have juices and light foods.

When they brought it in, he sucked it down like no tomorrow. The kid was probably starving. I would talk with Jane when she came in later.

Marin and I held Aaron a lot that day, only because we didn’t want to keep sedating him and he was so crabby. It was probably the IV along with the fever he was still running. It wasn’t nearly as high and Marin agreed he looked much improved over when she brought him in.

It was lunchtime and I ran down to the cafeteria to get us some food. The nurse suggested we both go, but Marin refused to leave Aaron alone, so we ate in Aaron’s room.

“This isn’t bad,” Marin said. “I was expecting something terrible.”

“No, it’s pretty good, actually. Hospital food has improved a lot over the years.”

A young woman came in and said she was going to take Aaron down to radiology to get another chest X-ray. Marin jumped up to go with her and she stopped her.

“He’ll be in good hands, I promise. We won’t be gone long.” She pushed his bed, along with his IVs out of the room.

“He’ll be fine,” I comforted her. “They do this all the time.”

“Not to Aaron they don’t.”

I stared at her. “You’re very protective of him.”

“Is that bad?”

“No. It just surprises me.”

“Why?”

“You’ve only been around him since the beginning of March and it’s July. The bond you’ve developed with him is strong.”

“I can’t help it. At first, it was because you didn’t pay him any attention, so I felt really sorry for him. And then it was because he is so damn precious.”

My silence had her grabbing for my hand.

“What is it?” she asked.

“The DNA test. Do you still have it?”

“Yes.”

“I think I want to know.”

“Grey, what will you do? Because if Aaron’s not yours, I can tell you this. It will make no difference to me at all.”

The truth was, I had no answer. “I don’t know. My gut aches with the thought of it. It’s been killing me forever and my shrink keeps badgering me about it.”

“Your shrink?”

I help up my hands. “Guilty as charged. I’ve been seeing one since Susannah died. I had so much anger, there wasn’t any way for me to handle it. Hence, my shrink.”

“Thank God. But you don’t look like the shrink type.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, God.” She dropped her head onto her lap. “Don’t get mad at me when I tell you this.”

Her words were muffled, so I asked, “What?”

Sitting up straight as a board, she said, “Promise you won’t get mad when I tell you this.”

“Okay.”

“When I first met you, you seemed to be so starchy. I can’t imagine you sitting in a psychiatrist’s office, pouring out your heart to her.”

“Hmm. Starchy, huh?”

“Yeah, with all your ties and white shirts.”

“I do have to dress appropriately for work, you know.”

“The doctors I’ve gone to don’t dress up like that.”

“And my shrink is a man.”

She waved her hand. “Whatever. Why do you all dress like that? It would make me uncomfortable.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve never thought of it that way.”

She circled with her index finger in front of me. “Now this, I like. But that tie stuff. It’s great if you’re going somewhere and everyone is dressed up. But it puts me off as a patient.”

“I can’t wear jeans in the office.”

“Why not? My doctor does.”

“Duly noted. Can I ask you a question now?”

She dipped her head. “Sure.”

“What made you dye your hair those colors.”

Her hands instantly flew to her hair, smoothing it down. “It was a moment of rebellion. I wasn’t in a good place and I thought it would give me a sense of … freedom.”

“And did it?”

“Yeah, it did. It was so different from my real color that it set me apart from the old Marin. And my dad about flipped.”

I had to laugh because I’m sure he did. Her dad was a lot like my own father— fairly conservative in dress. The change most likely threw him for a loop.

The door to the room slid open then and Aaron was delivered back to us, whining away. Marin picked him up and he calmed down some. Maybe we’d have the results of his X-ray soon.

I checked the computer, but nothing was entered yet. His blood count results were in and they were definitely better than the previous ones.

“There’s a big improvement in his blood counts,” I told Marin.

“Thank God.”

“I’ll bet his X-ray looks better too.”

About an hour later, Jane came in to give us the news that he was improving.

“I think we can get him moved to a regular room. How does that sound?”

“Great. Can he eat?” Marin asked.

“I think so. He hasn’t had any vomiting or diarrhea, so we should be safe in that regard. I’ll order a normal diet for him.”

“Thanks, Jane. What’s next?”

“Let’s give it one more day. I’d like to try switching him to oral antibiotics tomorrow morning. That way, if we see a spike in his temperature, it’ll happen before we discharge him.”

“Good plan.”

“Ugh, he has to keep the IV one more night?” Marin asked.

“I’m afraid so, but I’ll order a light dose of a sedative so he’ll sleep.”

The fact they kept sedating him wasn’t something I was thrilled about. “Is the sedation necessary?”

“Grey, I know you don’t like it, but Aaron needs his rest. Kids don’t like IVs and with his age, and the fact that he’s not comfortable with the fever, I think it’s best. I’d rather do that than hit him with a heavy dose of a narcotic-laced cough medication.”

“Ok,” I said.

“I promise, it’ll only be enough to relax him to get him to sleep. And I won’t have them administer it until after he eats his dinner. Let’s see about getting a room then.”

Marin tapped my arm. “I’ll give Ashley a call to let her know what’s going on.”

“Good idea.”

As Marin walked out of the room to do that, I picked up Aaron. He was adorable, as Marin had said. Why couldn’t I just drop the paternity stuff? Why couldn’t I let it go? Did I hold a grudge against Susannah for cheating on me? Or was it more than that? Aaron didn’t deserve this at all. Neither did Kinsley. But I needed to know for some torturous reason.

When Marin returned, I said, “I’d like for you to go home and get that kit. I want to know.”

“Grey.” Her voice held a warning. “That’s not a good idea.”

“It won’t change anything. Aaron is mine either way.” Who was I convincing more, Marin or myself?

She blew out a long breath. “You should let it go.”

“You’re probably right. But then again, you haven’t been in my shoes for these past several months. You haven’t experienced betrayal like this. And I’m not talking about Susannah and our relationship. I’m speaking of the kids and what she did to our family.”

Her hands assumed the prayer pose. “But Grey, that is your relationship, isn’t it? Your family? And won’t it put a bigger wedge between you and Aaron?”

“How can it? I’ve already said I’d accept him as my own, no matter what. It wasn’t his fault what she did.”

“No, so why pursue it?”

Aaron was still in my arms and I felt his soft curls beneath my chin. He shifted in my arms and his eyes caught mine. Lashes damp with tears from crying, he latched onto my shirt with his tiny fists and a hint of a lopsided grin appeared. The ache in my chest deepened, making it hard to breathe because he was the one who had suffered. This beautiful, innocent child. I kissed his cheek and hugged him closer.

“Well big guy, looks like you’re feeling better, aren’t you?”

One of his legs moved a bit. It wasn’t quite a kick, but it was better than nothing. I peered over the top of his head to see Marin watching us.

“Get the kit. I promise as long as there is life in me, I will not hurt this child.” I would not let the ghost of this sin—if it was a sin to find out the truth—haunt this son of mine.