Greydon—Six Months later

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Kinsley turned seven today and it was a disaster. When Mom brought out the cake, she threw a tantrum. She wanted to know when her mommy was coming to eat a piece.

“Kinsley, remember, she lives with the angels now,” I explained.

“I want her to come and eat cake with me. Why can’t she leave the angels just for one piece?” She stomped her foot as she spoke.

My heart had malfunctioned. Though I was a cardiologist, specifically an electrophysiologist, who repaired hearts with faulty rhythms, I was helpless. If someone needed a pacemaker, no problem. If they had an arrhythmia, I could do an ablation or get them back into rhythm by whatever means was necessary. I was the guy who handled the heart’s electrical issues. But I couldn’t fix my own broken down heart. All the circuitry had failed. The wiring was malfunctioning and nothing I did helped. It wasn’t so much because of losing my wife. It was because of the kids, specifically my daughter. What was even worse, I watched my little girl, my adorable, sweet polka dot, and I was helpless to ease her pain and disappointment that her mother wouldn’t be sharing her birthday cake this year.

“Hey, polka dot. Come here a sec.” She walked over to where I stood. I crouched down to her and said, “Look, Mommy can’t come. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, but because she just can’t.”

Kinsley pushed away from me and marched to the table where her cake sat. “I don’t want this cake.” Then she shoved it to the floor.

“Kinsley. Clean that up now.”

She didn’t pay any attention to me but instead ran up the steps to her room. Hudson’s four-year-old son, Wiley, ran after her while Hudson chased him.

Mom grabbed my arm. “Grey, it’s time to man up and stop being so self-centered.”

“Huh?” My daughter had just exhibited a horrible act of rude behavior and Mom was telling me I was self-centered?

“You heard me. Your kids need you and you’re not spending enough time with them. This is what happens. You can’t blame her for acting like that. My guess is you haven’t even explained that Susannah is never coming home again.”

I was appalled. “I told Kinsley she was with the angels.”

Mom put a hand on her hip. Oh boy, she meant business now. “For how long?”

“What do you mean?”

“How long did you say Susannah would be gone?”

An exasperated sigh exploded out of me. My head clanged. “I didn’t.”

“Kids need a time stamp on everything. You can’t just say she went there. You have to say it’s forever. And for God’s sake, quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

Now I was pissed off. “I’m not, dammit. If you want to know the truth, I’m mad as hell at Susannah. She was fucking her co-worker and then ran off on a business trip and got herself killed, leaving me holding the bag.”

Mom’s mouth flopped open for one second. But that was it. “Oh, and the plane crash was her fault I suppose.”

“What?”

“The plane crash? It was her fault,” Mom repeated.

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Like I said, man up. You need to put your feelings behind you and think of your kids.”

“I am.”

“Like hell you are. I’m sorry your wife wasn’t faithful. I truly am, son. But had she come home, you would’ve fought and divorced. Would you be carrying on like this? You used to be the best father around. I was so proud of the way you were with Kinsley. I remember how she was when you’d come home from work. I saw that man, Grey. I witnessed it with my own eyes. I used to be here when Susannah traveled. That man is gone. You act like you don’t give a shit about your children. The tenderness is absent. You’re a completely different man, and you can’t continue like this.”

She was right. My mind flipped back to those days before Aaron was born, and I would be home taking care of Kinsley when Susannah was gone.

“Dadddddy!” She ran up to me with her arms held out.

“Hey there, polka dot. What have you been doing?” I asked, as I lifted her up in the air and spun her around. Her squeals of delight were like a balm to me after a long day at work.

“Playing with Gammie. We were making pictures. See?” She pointed to the table where her paper and crayons were spread out.

“Let’s take a look.” I carried her there, reluctant to set her down. She had a way of putting a warm glow in my heart. It was a kind of feeling that didn’t come from anything else and couldn’t be described unless you experienced it yourself through your own kids. We sat at the table, her in my lap, and she showed me all of her art drawings, which weren’t much more than stick figures. Still, I ooohed and aaahed over them because my sweet, adorable child had created them for me.

“Let’s put them up on the refrigerator because they’re perfect. I love all of them.” So, we went and stuck them there so I could see them every day.

“Grey, are you even listening to me,” Mom said, bringing me back to the present.

“Yes, Mom. I am.” Guilt stung me like a thousand hornets. My behavior since Susannah died had been horrible. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of this … funk I was in. Was I making excuses? Maybe. But no matter what I did, including my visits to the shrink, nothing worked. I hated myself for it too. Mom was right. I needed to make some serious changes.

Dad and Pearson walked into the room. Dad said, “I got Aaron in the swing. How’s the cake cutting going?” They took in the mess on the floor. Then Dad’s head bobbed back and forth between the two of us and he asked, “Oh, boy, what did I miss? Did she tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself?”

Pearson disappeared. I didn’t blame him.

I huffed, “Yeah, she did.”

“She’s exactly right, son.”

“You too, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Even though I knew she was right, I still felt such a deep betrayal by what my wife had done, I wanted Dad’s absolution. “Mom, tell him about Susannah.”

“She was having an affair. He already knows.”

“You can’t do much about that now, can you, son?” Dad asked.

If I thought I’d get sympathy from my parents, I was dead wrong.

“If I could impart a little wisdom here, learned from my advanced age.”

My brows shot up because my dad was in his early sixties but didn’t look close to that.

“When you kids were born, and we were in the thick of things, we didn’t think about the time factor. But then one day we woke up and in an instant, you were leaving for college. Time passes in a snap, Grey. I’m not kidding. I’m begging you, don’t let what Susannah did ruin what you have with your kids. Love them. That’s all you have to do. Other than listen to your mother.”

“And on that note,” Mom said. “I wanted you to know that I won’t be coming in to help anymore because I’ve hired a nanny for you.”

My mom just delivered the ultimate blow. The total knock out. “You did what?”

“She’s my best friend’s daughter. You remember Trish? Well, I figured I needed to step away from this damn catastrophe you have going on here. Marin McLain, your new nanny, will be showing up today at one. She’ll be full time, live-in. Treat her kindly, son. I’ve taken the liberty of preparing one of your many guest rooms upstairs for her. It’s the one on the end, closest to the children’s rooms. That way she can get to them faster than you since you’re so preoccupied.” She scowled.

“Mom. That’s not fair.”

“Fair has nothing to do with it. Selfishness, feeling sorry for yourself, that old woe is me attitude, has everything to do with it. Anyway, good luck.” Then she turned to my dad and said, “Let’s go say goodbye to the kids.”

Pearson tiptoed back in. “Hey man, I think I’ll be making tracks now too.”

“Did you know about this?”

His sheepish expression was all the answer I needed.

“Do you really think I’m being selfish here?” I asked.

“The thing is, Grey, it’s more of you not being present. I get what Mom is saying, and I also get how angry you are. But you can’t do anything about it, so you have to move on.”

Hudson had walked in while Pearson was talking. “Pearson’s right. I was so pissed off at my ex that I let too much pass by. And in the end, it was really stupid. I missed too much of Wiley’s life. Don’t let that happen to you.”

After they were gone, I mentally analyzed my behavior. While I may not be the same man I was six months ago, I loved my kids. I tried to be a good father to them. Gathering Aaron from the swing, I went upstairs to Kinsley’s room where I found her drawing a picture.

“What’re doing, polka dot?”

“Making a picture for Mommy.”

“Can we talk a minute?”

She turned her hazel eyes to me, and I offered up a small smile. Because even after everything, all the horrible and hateful feelings, I still remembered that first night I met Susannah. Looking into my daughter’s eyes brought it all back.

“Honey, you know when I said Mommy went to live with the angels?”

“Uh huh.”

“Come here a sec.” I was seated on her bed and patted the place next to me. She came over and I picked her up, placing her on my lap.

“When I told you that, I meant she’s there forever and not coming back. You remember when Gammie and Bebop had Tricks?”

“Uh huh.”

“And Tricks died?”

“Uh huh.”

“Tricks went to live with the angels too.”

Her tiny rosebud mouth puckered as small lines formed when her brows drew together.

“Like she’s with Tricks?”

“Yes.”

“So like Tricks. I won’t see her no more.”

“I’m afraid not. I wish it could be different.”

“Why won’t the angels let me borrow her for a little bit every now and then cuz I wanna see her like now?”

Brushing her hair back, I said, “That’s a very good question. But heaven needs your mommy a whole lot. I guess the angels need her too.”

“But I need her more, Daddy. I miss her. See, it’s my picture I drew to tell her how much.” She pointed to what she had made. It was a drawing of a small girl with a bigger one and a large heart between the two. Or at least that’s what I thought it was. While Kinsley wasn’t bad at art, I had no misconception that she was Picasso or anything. My heart ached for this child of mine. Oh, how I wish I could tell her a different story. But I couldn’t.

“I see. And that’s wonderful. I’m sure Mommy loves it because I believe she can see it from heaven.”

“You think?”

“I do.”

“How come she didn’t say goodbye.”

“Because she didn’t mean to leave. It was an accident, polka dot.” Fuck, this is so hard to explain. My chest aches just telling her this. “She would never have left you on purpose.”

She balled her fists and rubbed her eyes. I pulled her close and hugged her. “I’m sorry, honey. But we’re going to do the best we can together. Okay? I love you so much, and I know you miss her. But we’re a team, you, Aaron and me.” I wanted to squeeze her because I hated she was going through this. It was bad enough for an adult. But how would this affect her later on?

“I have another surprise for you.”

“What?” She sniffed.

“We have a new babysitter coming today.”

“Is she fun?”

She better be. “Why, yes she is. You’re going to love her. Just wait till you see her.”

“Can she sing and draw pictures?”

“Well if she can’t, you can teach her. How does that sound?”

“Okay, I guess.”

We went back downstairs and I dished out some ice cream instead of the cake that we wouldn’t be eating. When we finished, I settled Aaron in the swing and we turned on the TV. About an hour later, the doorbell rang.

“She’s here,” Kinsley yelled, tearing out of the room and running to answer the door.

“Kinsley, wait.” But before I could stop her, she’d managed to tug open one of the large double doors with both hands and then both of us stood there and gaped. Suddenly, Kinsley yelled, “Look, Daddy, it’s a rainbow!” And that was an understatement.