Marin

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Journal Entry: I’m not sure what to do to change his mind about me, but my heart is not in a good place. Every time he looks at me I want it to be the way it was. His trust in me is gone and I don’t know how to earn it back. Understanding how he feels, how his mind works, because he was so completely destroyed by the betrayal of his wife, I honestly can’t blame him. And even though I didn’t do it intentionally, I can see why he would hold back from me. When there is so much at stake and you’ve lost so much in the past, the last thing you’ll ever do is repeat those mistakes. I thought I’d never trust another man again and here I am, miserable as hell, for the very same reason.

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We were standing in line, waiting for the starter’s pistol to fire. Instead of being focused on my strategy of how I was going to dust Grey’s ass in this 5k, my head was off somewhere else. He hadn’t been himself lately. He wasn’t exactly ignoring me, but the warmth wasn’t there like it used to be. And now my heart ached with the emptiness from it. In that short time we had been intimate, I had gotten used to feeling his hands on me, pressing into my flesh, touching me the way no man ever had before. He’d left my body craving for him to the point where I was physically miserable. I’d never imagined it could be like this … this desperate carnal desire.

Wanting to change this disastrous train of thought, I shook my arms and ran in place a few seconds when the blast of the pistol rang out. I took off, and heard Grey yell behind me, “Remember to pace yourself.”

Yeah, right. I had more electric energy shooting through my nerves right now than a high voltage power line. My feet had wings attached to them—or that’s how they felt. Maybe the goddess Nike was with me today and victory would be mine. All I thought about was marathon sex with Grey, him thrusting into me, and how I missed our nights together. His voice, his breath, his scent, his mouth, his tongue, his gaze …

Before I knew it, I was crossing the finish line and setting an unbelievable personal record for myself. My time was 17:49. And then my legs promptly buckled and I fainted.

I woke up to a group of three unfamiliar faces hovering above me.

“Miss, are you okay?”

“What happened?” I mumbled.

“You won! First female. And then you hit the pavement. It’s not that unusual.”

“Ugh.” I struggled to sit up when I saw Grey run up to me.

“Does anyone have a stethoscope?” he yelled.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I said.

A medical team showed up and he grabbed the stethoscope someone was pulling out, and called out, “I’m a cardiologist.” Then he listened to my heart. “Your heart sounds fine, but I want an EKG on you.”

“I just passed out. I pushed myself too hard.”

“She set a record for the fastest female on this course,” someone said.

“I set a new PR,” I said, finally sitting up.

“How do you feel?” Grey asked, grabbing my arm.

“Tired.”

“We’re going to the office. I want to check you out.”

It was useless arguing with him, so we didn’t even stay for the awards ceremony. I had always wondered about where he spent his days and now I was going to find out. Only I never envisioned it would be this way. We entered through the back door and I followed behind him as he led me through a maze of halls.

“This is the wing I practice in.” There was a nurse’s station and a bunch of exam rooms nearby.

“I didn’t think your place was this large.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty busy here.” His answer was curt and non-committal.

We went into a room and he hooked me up to an EKG machine. I had all these sticky tabs on me with wires attached. When he was done, he showed me the results. It meant nothing to me as I didn’t know how to interpret it.

“Your EKG is beautiful. It appears you are perfectly normal.”

“I told you I just pushed myself too hard. I didn’t leave anything on that course. I was out to win.” I punched his shoulder as I got to my feet. Then my hand fell because we had stopped being playful with each other and the gesture felt awkward. The whole situation felt awkward.

“Congratulations. You beat me fair and square.” His steely eyes bored into mine and my feet froze to the floor. We were so close that for a brief moment, I imagined he was going to kiss me. Only my disappointment skyrocketed when he took a step backward and pushed the machine against the wall. “I guess we should get home.”

I dropped my head to stare at my shoes. “Yeah. I could use something to eat and drink.” A sad smile lifted the corners of my mouth as my soul ached for some small gesture of affection from him. How I longed for the days when we had that easy banter going. I wished we could get that back somehow.

“Grey—”

He offered a brief smile that matched mine. “I could use a bite myself. Let’s go,” he quickly said, cutting me off.

We left the office and went home where the kids were waiting. Kinsley was excited to hear about our race. Paige and Rick had watched them and knew something was up with us, but neither of them asked.

Kinsley ran up to me and asked, “Did you beat Daddy?”

“As a matter of fact, I did.”

She clapped her hands and yelled, “Marnie won. Marnie won.”

I took Kinsley’s hand and said, “You shouldn’t gloat, honey.”

“What’s that?”

“It means you should also be happy for your daddy.”

“Daddy, did you run fast?”

“Not very fast. Marin was much faster.”

“Girls are fast, aren’t they?” she asked Grey.

“Yes, they are,” he answered.

Paige and Rick left soon afterward. Things were a bit stilted in the house and they probably just wanted to get away from it all. We thanked them for helping out and reminded them we’d be leaving for Vienna in a few days.

“We hope you have a lovely vacation. Rest and enjoy yourselves,” Rick said.

“Dad, if you need anything at all, you know who to call.”

“Son, I’m fine and will be fine, but yes, I do.”

They hugged the kids, Grey, and then Paige squeezed me hard when she hugged me. “Thank you for loving my grandchildren so much.” I had to suck back the tears.

Later that night, after the kids were in bed, I knocked on Grey’s closed bedroom door.

“Yes?”

“Can I speak with you, please?”

The door opened and he stood there, shirtless with a pair of jeans on. Why the hell did he have to do that and why the hell did he look so sexy?

“What is it?”

I sucked my lips into my mouth for a second. “I’ve been doing a ton of thinking these past few days, way more than I should, and after we get back from Vienna, I’m going to help you find another nanny. It’s time for me to move on.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

I wanted to say, fight for me, dammit. But I didn’t. I wasn’t going to beg him when he’d obviously given up on us already.

“I see. Kinsley will be devastated.”

I fisted my hand and pounded my chest. “This isn’t about Kinsley. I love her and Aaron, more than I probably should, but at some point, I have to think about myself. Right now …” I waved my hand as my voice cracked and I swallowed and bit back the tears. I didn’t want him to see how wrecked I was. Because the truth was, I loved him … was in love with him. I’m not sure how or why I’d let it happen, but I did, and it was too late to do anything about it. I was in damage control at this point. I had to reconstruct the pieces of not only my heart and soul but the rest of me before it fucking destroyed me. And the worst thing about it— somehow this was my fault. I would bear this burden for the rest of my life because there would be no replacement for Grey.

I was unsuccessful at willing myself not to cry. But I was determined he would not witness the flood I created, so I spun around and fled to my room. He called my name, but I ignored him. I flung myself on the bed and bawled my eyes out. It was three forty-five when I woke up, still in my clothes from the night before. How the hell would I get through a vacation pretending everything was fine?

On the way to the airport, I continued to question the logic as to why I was even going on this trip. Grey’s distance toward me hadn’t improved. I told myself I was going for the kids and that was it. It was extremely difficult being close to him and yet feeling so far away at the same time. He acted like a stranger whenever I was around. Every time I caught him looking at me, which was a lot, he’d jerk away as though he’d been caught doing something wrong.

I pretended everything was fine in front of Kinsley. The last thing she needed was another disappointment in her life. She’d already lost her mother, so I didn’t just want to walk away leaving her with abandonment issues. This worried me to the point sleep was barely possible anymore. These were things we should’ve considered before we ever got involved in the first place.

The flight was long, but we checked into our suite at the hotel and it was going to be tight. It was spacious and beautiful, but much more suited to us when we were a couple.

“Marnie, are you and Daddy gonna sleep in the big bed together?”

My head jerked in the direction of Grey. This was an unexpected question. I didn’t want to give her the impression that everything was fine when it wasn’t, but I also didn’t want her to think we were having issues. Then she would worry. What should I say?

Luckily, Grey came to the rescue. “Polka dot, I thought it best if Marin slept in the room with you and Aaron.”

His words whipped through me, flaying me to the marrow of my bones. Every shred of hope I held inside of my heart was now crushed until nothing remained.

“Come on, Marnie. Let’s go look.”

But I was rooted to the plush carpet, unable to breathe. If I dared, I would give my broken self away.

Kinsley scampered off to the other room as I stood there, arms wrapped around my midsection in a poor attempt to stop the burgeoning ache from spreading.

“You okay?” I heard him ask.

Fuck no, I’m not okay. I’m in pieces scattered on the floor. Can’t you see?

Why didn’t love come with an instruction manual and a warning label. Handle With Caution, or better yet Danger Ahead—Stay Away.

“Marin?”

“What?” I snapped.

“Are you okay?”

I stared at him, quivering lip and all, and said, “Oh, Grey, do you honestly have to ask me that? Can you not for once open your damn eyes and see?” Then I shoved a fist in my mouth to stop the sob from bursting out and went to the other room to collect myself. I had kids to take care of and they didn’t have to witness the horrible shape I was in.