Greydon

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After I left the house, I hit the cell phone store and got Marin lined up since this was a priority. Then I headed to the Heart Center at the hospital. The electrophysiology lab was waiting for me.

“Sorry I’m late.”

“No problem, Dr. West. We’re ready when you are.”

I had to induce an arrhythmia on a patient to figure out why he kept having them. The worst part of this procedure was keeping the patient calm.

“Mr. Fisher, how’re you doing?” I asked.

“I want to get this thing over with.”

“Of course you do. And we’re going to make that happen. We want you to relax so we’re going to give you something for that. How does that sound?”

“Good.”

“Dr. West, what insertion point?” the nurse asked.

“Wrist.”

She prepped the patient as I asked, “Mr. Fisher, you recall how we discussed what I would do?”

“Yeah.”

He was already loopy. Good.

“Let’s go,” I said to the nurse.

The nurse found the vein and I went to work inserting the sheath. Then I ran the wire or catheters through the vein up to the heart guided by X-ray.

“How you doing there, Mr. Fisher?” the nurse asked.

“Fine,” he said, in a groggy tone.

Once the catheters were in the proper position, I sent electrical impulses through them to induce arrhythmias, mapping where they were stemming from. Mr. Fisher’s didn’t take too long.

One of the nurses called out, “Dr. West, patient is …”

“I’ve got it. V-fib. Mr. Fisher needs an ICD.” An ICD was an implantable cardioverter defibrillator. It was a small device that we would plant under his collarbone which would automatically bring his heart back into normal rhythm. “Let’s get this done.” I had assumed this was the issue, but we had to be sure.

“Dr. West, we’re ready.”

All it took was a small incision using X-ray imagery and inserting the leads into the chambers of his heart where the problem was occurring.

“Let’s give it a go.”

While I was still inside with the caths, we tested it just to be positive it was operational and would bring him back into rhythm. Everything worked like a charm.

“Mr. Fisher, are you still awake?” I asked.

“Uh huh,” he answered.

“I believe you’re good to go.”

“Okay.”

All he wanted to do was sleep.

“Nice work everyone. Mr. Fisher, I’ll see you in a little while.”

I left the EP lab, talked to Mr. Fisher’s family to let them know everything went well and went to the break room. I’d have to dictate his case and then chart it on the computer. I decided to check my phone to see what was going on at home.

Everyone was in the kitchen and Kinsley was telling Marin, who she was calling Marnie for some reason, that she only liked peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Boy, did she pull a fast one on her. That stinker. I watched Marin to see how she handled the kids for a few minutes and was satisfied they were fine. Then I went back to work.

I was called down to the emergency department to check on a patient that came in with V-tach because I was the only cardiologist in the house. After reviewing all the tests that had been run along with the therapy that had been initiated, I consulted with the attending physician.

“He needs to be cathed. I’m sure he’s blocked somewhere. I’ll call in one of my partners.”

“Thanks.”

I headed to the doctor’s lounge to call the service, checking to see who was on call. Then I placed a call to Josh and explained the situation. His expletive told me he agreed it wasn’t good news.

“I’m on the way. ETA in twenty,” Josh said.

“I’ll relay that. Thanks.”

When Josh arrived, I joined him in the cath lab, but when we got inside the patient’s coronary arteries, what we found was worse than we had expected. We pulled every trick in the book, but he didn’t respond. We shocked him three times but never could bring him back into normal rhythm and he flatlined.

Josh swore and I pulled off my gloves as I checked the time. After pronouncing the time of death, I headed to the waiting room. This was the part of my job I hated the most. His wife looked up as I approached and she knew. They always knew.

“I’m so sorry. We did everything we possibly could.”

She grabbed whoever it was that waited with her and broke down crying. I briefly thought that was what I should’ve done when I heard the news of Susannah. Instead, I was angrier that I never got the chance to tell her how I felt.

“Would you like to see him?” I asked.

“Could I?”

“Yes. Come with me.” I took her hand and told the person accompanying her she could come along too. When I got to the door of the lab, I told them both, “He looks fine, like he’s asleep, if you’re wondering.”

They followed me inside where she proceeded to sob even harder. I’d seen it many times. It was hard to let a loved one go, especially when only moments before you were talking to them, maybe even sharing a laugh or two.

“Take all the time you need,” I told them.

Leaving, I informed the nurses to allow them to stay however long they wanted. “Text me if you need me.”

“Sure, Dr. West.”

I found Josh back in the lounge and he shook his head when he saw me enter.

“You know, it never gets any easier, does it?” he asked.

“Nope, never. In some ways, it gets worse. At first, I blamed it on lack of experience. I can’t do that anymore. My skill level isn’t going to get any better than it is now.”

“You’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. I hate going home after losing a patient.”

There was nothing to say to that. Going home these days was tough, period. But adding a loss to it made it even shittier. It was getting late. I did a quick camera check and saw that Marin was putting the kids to bed. It was time to finish up my documentation and get out of here. When I was done, I noticed Josh was still there, staring at the computer screen.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I was about to ask you the same. Everything okay at home?”

I knew what he was referring to, but now wasn’t the time to discuss it.

“It’s fine.”

“I thought after today, you might …” he shrugged.

“My mom fired herself and found a new nanny for me.”

“Yeah?”

“She was sick and tired of my rotten disposition.”

Leaning back in the chair, he said, “You’re not so bad.”

“Come on, Josh. You can be honest with me.”

“Okay, you’re a fucking crab all the time, I admit. But damn, you have a good reason to be.”

“Maybe, but I need to move on. It’s just that … I don’t know. I’m still so fucking pissed.”

“Have you thought about joining one of those support groups?”

“They don’t have one for spouses who died suddenly right after you found out they’d been fucking around on you.”

“Ouch. It must suck to hold that anger inside you, but Grey, you have to let it go.”

“Now you sound exactly like my mom.”

“Moms are smart like that.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose to ease the ache forming there. He was right, Mom was right and so was the rest of the world. “I know, but the problem is I don’t know how to do that.”

“There has to be someone you can talk to about it.”

“I have. Three therapists to be exact and they all said the same. Let it go. Only I can’t seem to be able to do that.” I squeezed my shoulder blades together because they were aching now too. I didn’t mention the additional issue I had. There was the question of whether or not Aaron was even my son, which only added gasoline to the already flaming fire in my gut.

“And today didn’t help either, did it?”

“Not exactly. I gotta go. The kids are already in bed and my status as father of the year just keeps getting worse and worse every day.”

“Hey, Grey, if it’s any consolation, you’re one of the best physicians I’ve ever had the privilege of working with.”

“Thanks, Josh. I’ll keep that in mind when my kids don’t know who I am in another year.”

When I walked into the kitchen, Marin was there. She greeted me with a smile that quickly died when she saw the expression on my face. I noticed her stained shirt and saw in my head Aaron spitting out a mouthful of food at her. I almost laughed but didn’t have it in me at the moment. He loved to do that. I mentioned the stain, then handed her the new phone right before I headed toward my office. I needed a few moments to decompress. Losing a patient really sucked it out of me. I thought about his poor family and how they were dealing with it. In my head, I ran through the steps we took just to satisfy myself we’d done everything in our power we could’ve. I sat in the dark, letting the calm wash over me. It helped some, but the continued presence of Susannah in this house always lingered. I would be happy as hell to get away from here.

My thoughts made a U-turn back to Aaron. A huge part of me wanted a sign or some way to tell he was mine. But the kid was looking more and more like his mom every day. Except for his eyes, which were gray like mine, he was Susannah in every way. And the eyes were problematic. I pulled the desk drawer open and looked at the picture of the guy my wife was fucking. Dark hair like hers and gray eyes like mine. What were the odds? Did I dare do a DNA test? Was it worth it? If I found out he wasn’t mine, what then? Could I still love him?

That question plagued me constantly. The kid tugged at my heartstrings for so many damn reasons. I wasn’t a heartless bastard. He’d never know his mother. And for all the shitty things she’d done, she’d always been good to her kids. I still wonder how she could’ve led such a duplicitous life. She sure pulled it off well.

Rolling my shoulders to ease the built-up tension, I decided to check on the kids. I headed upstairs and went into Aaron’s room first. He was snuggled with his favorite stuffed toy—a gray elephant—and sleeping soundly. My little polka dot was fast asleep too. She was lying on her back, with an arm over her head and she’d kicked the covers off. I tucked her back in and stared at the little beauty. My heart squeezed as I gazed at her. She was growing up so fast and I was missing this time with her. Mom had preached to me about this and said I’d regret being away from her. I needed to do my best to be around the kids as much as possible. Before I left her room, I picked up a few of her scattered toys and placed them back in the bins where they belonged. Then I tiptoed out, closing the door softly behind me.

My stomach let out a loud growl, reminding me I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so I headed to the refrigerator in search of dinner. When I got there, Marin was in the kitchen, seated at the counter, sipping on some tea.

Not one for much chatter, I went about fixing myself a sandwich and salad and took a seat at the opposite end of the counter where my laptop sat. I intended to catch up on some journal reading I was behind on. But as soon as I opened the thing, Marin said, “That’s a little rude, don’t you think?”

I immediately stopped chewing and stared at her for a second. What the hell was she talking about. Was it rude to eat in front of her or to read?

After I swallowed my bite, I said, “Not following.”

“You left and were gone for quite a while. Then when you came home, you never even asked about the kids. Don’t you care just a little?”

“Excuse me?”

“Are you deaf?”

Who did she think she was? “No, I can hear just fine. I’m having trouble processing your interrogation of me.”

“Why? Isn’t it clear?”

“Why? I’ll tell you why. It’s none of your damn business. That’s why,” I snapped. I couldn’t believe the nerve she had.

“I’m the nanny for your children, so it makes it my business. They wanted to see their daddy, but you came home too late and don’t give enough of a shit about them to even ask how their day went.”

This had become close to a shouting match. Before I said anything else I’d regret, I shut the laptop, picked up my dinner, and marched into my office. I was pretty sure smoke blew out of my nostrils by then and my appetite had disappeared. That girl was a piece of fucking work.

Once in my office, I threw my sandwich down and flopped onto the chair. Now I needed to find a new nanny. I couldn’t have her around fucking with my already screwed up existence. Before I could call my mom to complain, the office door flew open and she stood in front of my desk looking like the devil himself. Except this devil had hair the color of a kaleidoscope and it looked as though it was charged with electricity.

“Where the hell do you think you’re running off to? I wasn’t finished. Those are your children we’re discussing.”

“Exactly. My children. Not yours. You should keep that in mind.”

“You’re the one who should keep in mind you have kids to begin with.”

I stood up so fast the chair flew back and crashed into the wall. “You presume way too much. You don’t know a damn thing about me. How is it you’ve formed this opinion of me in the less than ten minutes we spent together? Is this how you treat everyone you meet?”

She snarled at me. “No. Only those who deserve it.”

“I think it’s best if you leave.”

“I think so too. Oh, and those kids. They’re the most adorable children I’ve ever met. They need a father. You should pay attention to them. Maybe hug and kiss them every now and again.”

What the hell! “And what do you know about parenting?”

“Enough that I notice when kids need love.”

“Oh, and mine never get any? Is that right?” Her mouth flopped open, then closed. She didn’t answer. “Well?”

“I never said that.”

“No, because you would’ve been a liar if you had. I love my kids but don’t have to justify that with you or anybody else.”

“Then why didn’t you go upstairs when you got home?”

A huge rush of air left my lungs. I was tired. So damn tired. All I wanted to do when I got home was relax, see my kids, eat dinner, and go to bed. But here I stood arguing with the rainbow-haired nanny. What the hell happened to my life?

I rubbed my eyes and said, “Work was a ball buster. I lost a patient today. I came in here to clear my head. And, for your information, I did go upstairs and checked on Aaron, then my polka dot. Afterward, I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Then you lambasted the shit out of me. Satisfied?”

She stood across the desk from me in that ridiculously stained shirt and when I finished with my explanation, her head bobbed up and down once, and she said, “Yeah.” Then she sprinted out the door.

I think my mother sent psycho nanny here to test me and I was going to kill her.