By the time Julian came back, Aaron had returned to his seat and I’d finished my drink. After what Aaron had told me, I’d knocked half of it back in one go.

“You want another?” Jessie asked me as Julian sat back down on the stool.

“I’m good.”

“Just holler if you change your mind,” she said before returning to work.

“You finished your drink quickly,” Julian noted, tapping on my empty glass.

My stomach roiled, nausea threatening to make me sick.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

“I’m fine,” I said. “How was Gael’s birthday thing?”

“It’s going to be great,” he said. “She’s got this whole party planned—”

Julian began to describe the affair Jessie had planned. I nodded along, not paying attention.

My head was spinning, Aaron’s words reverberating in my mind.

I’d been right.

I’d been right this whole time.

With a heavy heart, I pushed my glass away.

“I think I might go home,” I said.

“So soon?” Julian looked disappointed. “I wanted to talk some more about the song.”

Had that been what he’d wanted to tell me? Something about the song? It didn’t matter anymore. I just wanted to get the job over with and remove Julian from my life as soon as possible. I didn’t need this kind of heartache.

“I feel like we’re close to a breakthrough,” he said. “Do you have any more of those game ideas?”

“I’m not really in the mood for games tonight.”

“Please?” he asked. “I know Cerise said we have time, but I'm really feeling the pressure.”

I sighed.

“There is this one idea I had,” I said grudgingly.

“Let’s do it.”

“You don’t even know what it is.”

“If it’ll help us with the song, I’m willing to try anything.”

“Do you know of any quiet places?” I asked. “Somewhere we won’t be disturbed?”

Julian thought for a minute. “We could go to the roof.”

“Is that safe?”

“No idea.” His lips curled, as if suppressing a smile. ”Let’s go.”

I motioned for Walt and whispered to him. He nodded and went to the back. When he returned, he gave me a small little notebook, a pen and a lighter. I stuffed them in my pocket.

Julian took my hand as I hopped off the stool. His strong fingers pressed against mine. I wanted to snatch my hand away, but didn’t. I let him lead me out of the bar and out the back of the building to a fire escape that looked like it had been built over a century ago.

“We’re really doing this?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

Julian grabbed onto the metal handrail and started climbing. “You coming?”

I followed him up the rickety steps that rattled and swayed.

“We’re going to die,” I muttered.

But we made it up there easily. The building was only two stories tall.

“So what’s the deal?” Julian asked when we were finally on the roof, looking out over the city. The bright lights winked like little stars, the full moon high above us, illuminating Julian’s pale face.

I took the little notebook from my pocket, tore out a piece of paper and handed it to Julian.

“I’m going to give you instructions,” I told him. “You can take as long as you need, but you’re not leaving this roof until you do as I say.”

“Kinky,” he said.

I swatted his chest. “No jokes. This is serious.”

Julian’s face turned somber.

“Here’s what we’re going to do.” I’d been thinking of this activity for a while, ever since our word association game. I’d been trying to come up with more games that would help Julian learn to express his emotions, that would allow him to finally open up.

“You’re going to write something on this paper,” I told him. “It’s only for you.” I brandished the cigarette lighter I’d taken out of my pocket. “No one else is going to see it, because we’re going to burn it after.”

“Dramatic.”

“I want you to be completely truthful with yourself,” I said. “No hiding behind that impassive facade you put up. No one else is ever going to see this, so you can put down whatever you want.”

“And what exactly is that supposed to be?”

“What are you feeling right now?”

He looked taken aback.

“Um. Cold?” he said. “It’s late at night and sort of breezy up here.”

“First of all, you’re not supposed to tell me,” I said. “Secondly, that’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

Julian lips twisted, perturbed. “This is one of those get in touch with your feelings things.”

“Yes.”

He looked down at the piece of paper as if it weighed a hundred pounds, as if it were dragging him down.

“Only if you do it with me.” He flicked his gaze to mine, the neon lights of the city making his dark eyes shine. “You have to write down something, too.”

“Fine.” I tore out a piece of paper for myself and put pen to paper.

“No,” he interrupted. “I don’t want you just writing down that you’re annoyed or tired or whatever. I want you to write down what you’re really feeling right now, deep down inside.”

I paused, staring at him.

“You can take as long as you like,” he said with a careful smile.

With a huff, I went over to the edge of the building, sitting down and letting my legs dangle over. Julian sat down next to me.

“This is as good a place to think as any,” he said.

The both of us sat side by side for several long, silent minutes. Those minutes stretched out, feeling like hours.

What was I feeling?

I was feeling a lot of things.

Annoyed and tired, sure.

Cold, yes. Julian had been right when he said it was chilly up here.

But deeper down, there was more.

Jealousy.

Bitterness.

Regret.

Anguish.

There was a throbbing hurt in the center of my very chest, spreading outwards through my veins into every limb, every finger and toe.

I looked out at the city, blinking at the harsh lights.

“You look pensive,” Julian said quietly.

“I’m thinking,” I said.

“I know. Whenever you’re concentrating really hard, you get this cute little line in your forehead. It’s the same as when you’re stuck on a tricky bit of music.”

I turned to look at him. He was looking back at me, head cocked, as if examining me.

“Are feeling all inspired right now?” he asked. “Composing your next masterpiece in your head?”

“I’m saving all my inspiration for your song,” I said.

“Our song,” he corrected. “And we need all the inspiration we can get.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “It’s going to be amazing. It’s going to be heartfelt. Powerful. Meaningful. Authentic. We’re going to speak directly to people’s souls. ” I clutched the notebook in my hand, holding it tight. “We’re going to change lives with this song.”

Julian went silent. I relaxed my grip on the notebook and looked down at my feet dangling over the edge, wondering if I’d been too fervent, too overzealous. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I cared. I’d thought it was just a job. But being up there on the roof alone with Julian made me realize…

No matter how I felt about Julian, I wanted this song to succeed.

I wanted the same thing I’d always wanted whenever we wrote songs together.

I wanted us to touch people’s hearts.

“Let me see that pen,” Julian said.

He took it from my outstretched hand and put it to the paper. He paused, as if thinking. He cast one more look at me, then bowed his head and scribbled on the paper. He folded it up into a small square and handed me back the pen.

“Your turn,” he said.

I thought for long moments. Thought about mine and Julian’s past. Our present. Our future.

I thought about all the music we had made in the years we were together. I thought about all the music that was lost in the years we were apart.

I put the pen to paper and wrote.

“There we go,” I said, folding mine into a similar square.

I got the lighter out of my pocket and held it out to Julian. He took it from me and flicked it on, touching one corner of his paper square to the flames. He handed the lighter back to me.

I lit mine up, watching as the tiny flame consumed the words I’d just written.

The words I hadn’t known I’d felt until just now.

If I can’t have you to myself, then I’ll share you with the world.