I spent the night at Julian’s, crawling into the messy sheets and falling asleep after the tears subsided. I didn’t dream, just slept deeply as he held me in his arms. It was a change from the occasional nightmares and vivid impressions I usually experienced at night. It was one of the best night’s sleep I’d had in a while.

I knew it was because of Julian. Because he’d listened to me. Because he’d reassured me. Because he held me.

Because he loved me.

The next morning I woke up before him. I stretched and yawned, basking in the warmth of his chest against my back. I turned in his arms and watched him for a few minutes. He breathed deeply, eyelashes still, not fluttering.

I didn’t want to wake him so I quietly snuck out of bed. After taking a shower and slipping into a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt, I headed over to the kitchen.

I wanted to do something nice for Julian. I wanted make him breakfast. I wasn’t a genius in the kitchen but surely I could do better than toast, although I knew he wouldn’t complain if that was what he ended up with.

The kitchen was a mess from the previous night. We’d left the pot on the stove and the blended pesto in the mixer. I felt bad throwing it all out but I knew it probably wasn’t safe to eat after having sat there all night.

After cleaning up, washing down the counters and doing the dishes, I decided to use the veggies meant for the pesto pasta in an omelette. At least those could be put to good use.

The smell of eggs must have woken Julian because I heard him shuffle into the kitchen as I concentrated on flipping the omelette without breaking it.

He wrapped one arm around my waist from behind. He was wearing boxers and nothing else, his naked chest warm against me.

Julian buried his nose in my hair and inhaled, smelling me like he always did. I’d used his soap so I didn’t smell like my usual vanilla, but he let out a pleased sigh anyway.

He brushed the hair from one shoulder, exposing my neck, and placed a soft kiss there. It stung a little and I had to wonder if that was the same place where he’d bitten me the night before. I didn’t mind the sting. In fact, the sensation made a silly little smile cross my lips.

“Good morning,” he said. I felt his own smile on my skin. “How are you feeling?”

“Drained,” I admitted. I patted his one hand as it rested on my belly. “I thought we were just going to have a nice dinner.”

“I know things got pretty real last night,” he said. “But I’m glad. All of that shit needed to be aired. It’s not good to keep it all inside.”

I almost snorted and called him a hypocrite again, but contained it. Things right now felt calm, serene. I didn’t want to ruin the mood.

I did know that before we could truly move forward in our relationship, I’d eventually have to get Julian to talk to me. Today wasn’t that day.

But speaking of ruining the mood…

“I still can’t believe you managed to turn something that was supposed to be sexy into something so gross,” I told him, referring to the blowjob-turned-porno scene. “Where did you even come up with that last one?”

“Let’s just say the internet is a strange place.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I really don’t want details, do I?”

“Absolutely not.”

I wasn’t a prude by any means, but there were some things I just didn’t want to know about and that little scenario was one of them.

“I’m sorry I pushed you,” Julian said. “I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“If you hadn’t done something, I probably never would have opened up,” I replied. “You had to shock me into it.”

Maybe that was what I had to do to Julian. Shock him into talking to me.

But Julian and I were two very different people. I could just imagine how that would go down. He would clam up, shut down and probably run away like last time.

Besides, I’d promised him I wouldn’t push. I’d promised him I’d wait until he felt comfortable talking to me.

But I couldn’t wait forever. I couldn’t let myself fall further into this relationship knowing there was this secret hanging over us.

I’d just have to figure out another way to approach it.

I portioned the omelette onto two plates and brought them to the kitchen table. There had been some leftover red peppers, so I’d grilled them up in the same pan to serve as a side dish. Julian poured us both glasses of fresh orange juice.

“This is probably the most well-rounded meal I’ve had in weeks,” he said as he sat down in front of his plate.

“I have no idea how you haven’t died of malnutrition.”

“I take a daily multi-vitamin.”

“Somehow that’s not reassuring enough.”

Julian took a bite and raised both eyebrows. I waited for him to make a comment, but he didn’t. I took my own bite.

“This is good!” I exclaimed. “I thought that face you made meant I fucked it up.”

“I was going to say it was delicious, but I didn’t want you to think I was surprised.”

“It’s okay, I’m surprised myself,” I said.

“Maybe now that you’ve become a culinary expert, you can teach me a few tricks?” Julian asked.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I said. “Not burning the eggs doesn’t make me an expert.”

“Maybe we can learn together,” he said. “Take some couples cooking classes. Be all domestic.”

He didn’t say it in a teasing tone. He just gave me a loving smile.

My heart fluttered. I’d been thinking the same. We were finally getting back into our usual comfortable routines. It was like that void inside me was shrinking, those years we’d spent apart no longer so insurmountable.

For all that our breakup had devastated me, maybe it had been for the best. We’d had our time to grow up, to mature. We’d experienced what it was like to be without each other.

And still, after all these years, we’d chosen to come back together. To me, it felt like all those years apart had only made the bond between us that much stronger.

But with the way Julian refused to open up to me…

I knew he loved me. That I didn’t doubt.

But was he willing to put in the work to stay together? Was he willing to do the emotional labor that came along with a relationship? Was he always going to keep a part of himself hidden? What if one day I pushed him too far and he ran away for good?

To me, it felt like nothing could break us apart again.

I wished I could be sure Julian felt the same.