I held my breath, anticipating.

Would this be a heated, passionate kiss? Would it be soft, sweet and tender? Or would it be rough and wild, unrestrained?

As Julian’s lips descended on mine, the world melted away.

The kiss was none of those things. It was purely, utterly Julian.

Blissful. Caring. Full of adoration.

His lips grazed mine, as soft as a feather at first, then turning firmer, insistent. His teeth closed around my bottom lip and bit lightly, sending a thrill down my spine. He swiped his tongue along the seam of my lips, asking for entrance. I opened to him, deepening the kiss as we stroked and flicked and played.

Our mouths moved together, every brush and nip a revelation.

Even as we kissed, my brain screamed at me.

What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Kissing my ex-boyfriend, apparently.

Was I an idiot for giving into this? Was I making a mistake? Was I going to regret it?

The answer was probably yes to all those questions.

Maybe Julian wasn’t in love with his best friend, but that didn’t change things. He still left me. Left the band. Abandoned me, leaving me alone and vulnerable, the perfect combination for Keith to swoop in and pick up the pieces.

I shied away from that thought. It wasn’t Julian’s fault Keith had taken advantage of me. It was solely my fault for falling for his lies, for not seeing what he was sooner.

Julian’s hands wandered from my arms and I returned my attention to his touch. He trailed along my sides, running up and down from my hips to my rib cage. His thumbs were an inch away from the underside of my breasts. He traced a line along the curve, not quite touching, but still sending shivers through me. I moaned low in my throat.

“Fuck, Ev,” Julian groaned into my mouth. “I missed those sounds of yours.”

He latched on to my throat with his lips and teeth. I fisted the hair at the back of his head and tugged him closer, wanting more.

“Touch me,” I gasped.

He brought his hands back up to cup me over my shirt, my cotton bra a thin barrier. He used his thumbs to rub circles around my nipples, turning them stiff and throbbing.

I tilted my hips to press against his, grinding down without thinking. He growled, wrapped his arms around me, and with one swift motion picked me up and perched me on the edge of the kitchen table.

I spread my legs for him to stand between them, squeezing his hips with my thighs. He bucked against me, pressing again my core. I moaned again and let my head tip back.

He took the opportunity to pepper my throat and collarbone with kisses and soft bites. My breathing sped up, my insides turning hot and liquid.

Julian’s kisses, his lips, his touch, was so familiar. He still lit my body on fire, still made my heart race and glow.

Julian pulled away with one last sucking kiss.

“I was a fucking idiot for walking away,” he murmured into my neck, blowing cool air against my skin.

My chest clenched, not wanting to be reminded of the past. I wanted to pretend the last few years hadn’t happened. Wanted to pretend we were still together. Wanted to pretend he’d never broken my heart.

I grabbed the hem of my shirt and tossed it over my head. His eyes burned into me as he took in the sight. I reached for his shirt and tugged at it frantically. He understood my silent plea and quickly rid himself of it.

I placed my hands on his toned chest, enjoying the feel of those shifting muscles under my fingers. I pressed a kiss to the center of his chest and inhaled deeply, taking in that whisky-cinnamon scent.

I trailed my fingers down his torso to the buckle of his jeans. I saw him visibly swallow. I met his dark gaze.

“Take me to bed,” I told him.

Julian picked me up, his hands on my ass. I clung to him, my arms around his shoulders. He strode through the apartment, heading toward the open door to my bedroom. He kicked the door shut behind us. The room was dark, but moonlight shined through the windows, glinting in his dark eyes, reminding me of our time on the roof.

Maybe I could have him to myself after all.

Julian tumbled us onto the bed, hovering over me as our legs tangled together.

We stared into each other’s eyes, breaths mingling. My insides were aching and pulsing. I needed his touch.

I squirmed and shifted on the bed until I was out from under him. He looked confused until I unbuttoned my jeans and shimmied out of them. The fire in his eyes turned blazing as I removed my bra and panties, leaving me bare.

I reached for his belt buckle for the second time and worked at the strap. Julian jumped off the bed and kicked off his jeans and boxers. My breath caught in my throat when my eyes fell to his shaft. I’d almost forgotten exactly how impressive he was.

He returned to the bed and began covering me with kisses. I flailed with my arm, reaching out to the bedside table where I’d tossed a bunch of stuff from my old nightstand when I’d moved in. I grabbed at the small foil packet and put it into Julian’s hands. He let out a shaky groan.

“You sure?” he asked.

“Yes,” I breathed. “I want you.”

I’ve always wanted you.

I’ve never stopped wanting you.

I parted my legs, baring myself to him. He slipped between them, bringing his hand to the apex of my thighs, finding that most sensitive part of me. He rubbed his thumb in a circle, just like he had with my nipples. This time the sensation went straight to my core, leaving me moaning and writhing.

His fingers were slippery wet from my pleasure. He slid one inside me slowly. I groaned and clutched at the bedsheets. He used a second. My head tossed back and forth. He slid in and out, keeping up a steady pace, sending me higher and higher until I was close to my peak.

“Julian…” I panted and begged.

He ducked down and sucked my clit into his mouth and I came, crying out. I shuddered against him, limbs quaking. Every muscle tensed up, then released as the pleasure abated.

Julian gave me one last lick, then crawled back up my body. He looked at me, a final question in his eyes. I nodded shakily.

He rolled on protection and positioned himself at my entrance, his tip nestled between my folds. My muscles throbbed in anticipation.

He pushed forward, spreading me open. I gasped out loud, squeezing my eyes shut. Julian let out a muffled curse, groaning. He continued sliding inside me until he bottomed out, his hips firmly against mine.

He stilled. We panted heavily into each other's mouths. Tears sprung to my eyes. Julian looked alarmed. He brushed a thumb along my cheek.

“You okay?” he whispered.

I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to convey everything I was feeling in that moment.

Being filled by Julian also filled my heart in a way nothing else ever had.

“I love you,” I choked out.

“Ev…” His eyes went soft, loving and pained at the same time.

I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck. I rolled my hips, urging him on. He continued moving inside me. I cried out with each push in and out, the head of his cock scraping across my inner walls, sending sparks of pleasure singing through me.

His thrusts became sporadic and I knew he was close. I bucked against him, increasing the pace. He brought his hand back to my clit, playing with me. The feeling of him both moving inside me and rubbing me from the outside was too much. I clenched down and exploded again with a breathless moan.

Julian grunted, loud and long, his head bowed, his back muscles locked. He shook and trembled. I held him to my chest as he found his release, running my hands through his sweat-dampened hair until he finally relaxed against me.

We laid there next to each other, chests heaving against one another, sticky and warm, our heads nestled down onto the pillows.

“I’d almost forgotten…” he said, sounding sleepy, his eyes fluttering closed.

“Forgotten what?” I asked.

“How much I…” he trailed off, mumbling.

I held my breath.

He shifted on the bed, curling his body against mine and hugging me to his chest.

“I missed you,” he finished.

My heart thumped a painful beat. I tried to stamp down the disappointment, but it was there, as palpable as the lingering ache between my thighs.

“I missed you, too,” I told him.

It wasn’t the words I wanted to hear.

But maybe they were the only words Julian was capable of for now.