Chapter 20
Avidya
Two days later, I was released from the hospital and in my own clothes. I didn’t want to be released, exactly. I couldn’t walk in that door and know that Taylor wouldn’t be coming home after me. The house would be empty, cold of the man I had grown close to over the past six months.
It was a love hate relationship.
I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I wanted to take my baby home with me, too. But I couldn’t.
Joshua was doing very well, despite everything. He was still in the NICU with oxygen and a feeding tube. I had high hopes that he’d be able to get off of all the machines in as little as a few weeks. He certainly put up a fight against every little thing already.
The only thing that I was looking forward to was that I wouldn’t be interrupted every hour by a nurse. And I would be getting to hold Joshua today for the very first time. I couldn’t wait for that, even with all the cords hooked up to my little baby.
Right after being released, and making sure I had everything I needed, I made my way to the NICU, that was luckily a part of the maternity ward. I was still sore and not able to walk as fast as I normally would have been able to, but I still walked from my room to the nursery at least three or four times a day.
What else did I have to do?
No one ever told me how tough the after-birth process was. It was almost nearly as bad as giving birth over and over. Okay, maybe not that bad, but the cramps were not fun, that was for sure. I couldn’t take a bath to help ease the pains, and Advil only dulled it. Not nearly enough to help, though.
I was certain I was not going to have any more children for many years. Experiencing all this, alone, was more than enough for me for a lifetime.
“Hello, Miss,” greeted one of the nurses.
I gave her a small smile as I sat down my overnight bag by the wall.
“Which one is yours?” she asked.
“She’s Joshua’s mom,” stated the nurse I had first met here. She had been a lifesaver. Since I had first sat next to my son, she had told me she had been in my shoes, and that helped more than any other nurse here could ever say to me.
“Oh,” replied the first nurse. “He is so cute. He’s doing very well today.”
“You ready to hold him?” Nurse Hope asked.
“Yes,” I answered with a bigger smile.
“Perfect. Go have a seat in the chair while I get him ready for you,” she said.
I took a seat in the chair I normally sat in when I came to see my son. It was just like the rocking chair that went unused in my hospital room. The cushioned cover was green and blue, matching the colors of this part of the hospital.
Once I was sitting, the nurse was there, opening the compartment that my son was in, being careful of all the cords and wires he was hooked up to.
“You ready?” she asked.
“So much so,” I breathed out.
I couldn’t wait to hold the little one in my arms. I was ready. For a new start in life with my little baby. It was really all I had now.
Within minutes, Joshua was in my arms laying his head on my chest. He was so little against me. So small and warm. His little lungs took in air as he breathed in the scent of me.
My heart swelled being able to hold him finally. I would never put him down.
“I’ll be back in a little while,” the nurse smiled before making her way back to check on other little babies.
I so hoped that everything would go smoothly and I could take him home sooner rather than later. I was literally holding my reason for everything in my arms, and I silently promised him that I would do everything in my power to make sure he had a happy, safe, life.
~oOo~
“You ready?” Travis asked as he shut the car off in front of the house.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I sighed out, wishing the past week couldn’t have happened. I glared at the house, willing it to change things from how it all happened.
“It’s okay,” he said, patting my knee. “Everything’s been cleaned up. And Krissy was determined to set up a nursery, sorta. She’s a determined girl.”
“She usually is,” I laughed. I don’t know what I would have done without her by my side.
I was glad I had a friend here. She was possibly the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. She had come to visit me every day so far, although she wasn’t allowed into the NICU because she wasn’t the father. Travis was allowed in, since the nurse felt bad that the father wasn’t there with me, and he was my brother. He wasn’t able to hold Joshua, but he’d get the chance to soon enough.
“Come on,” he said as he began to get out of the car.
I slowly followed him. My heart sped up, fearing that I’d relive the horrible thing over again. It was the shock of it all, mostly. I don’t think I’ve fully processed that Taylor was no longer alive.
Travis was patient as I slowly made my way up to the house. I almost would have rather walked back into Zach’s house.
Almost.
I wasn’t quite ready to step over that small, but huge, hurdle quite yet.
Once I reached the step, the door was opened, a smiling Krissy on the other side. Before I could react, she had me wrapped in her arms, giving me a hug that I didn’t know I needed.
“Please don’t be mad,” she whispered in my ear. “Travis made a few phone calls.”
“I can’t promise that,” I muttered as she pulled back, but then she took ahold of my hand. “What did you do?”
She gave me a small, encouraging smile before dragging me into the house. Once inside, Krissy came to stop, and my breath left my lungs. I could have collapsed in shock and joy if Travis hadn’t been behind me.
Inside the house, there stood Carlos and Julia. I probably should have expected Carlos to show up because of what happened, but I never expected Julia of all people.
“Julia,” I cried, rushing to pull her into a hug. I was so happy to see her after so long. Talking to her on the phone was good, but seeing her in person was so much better.
“Hello, dear,” she said, returning my hug.
We held onto one another for a few more moments before I pulled back, wiping away my tears. Damn my stupid hormones.
“How are you?” she asked, looking me up and down.
“Better now that you’re here,” I answered truthfully.
“You look tired,” she stated.
“I am, but I don’t think I can sleep,” I said.
“Sit, sit,” she said, taking a seat on the couch, that I noticed was brand new. And so was the carpet and painted walls. Looking around, no one would be able to tell that two people were shot and killed in this house. Everything was clean and almost brand new.
At that thought, a shiver ran through me.
“So tell me, when does my grandson get to come home?” Julia asked.
“A few weeks,” I shrugged. “Hopefully. He’s doing well, considering he was born so early.”
“I don’t doubt that he’ll be just fine,” she said. “I’ll be here for a while to help, if you’ll let me.”
“Really?” I asked, surprised. Would she really be able to stay and keep Zach from finding out?
“Yes,” she smiled. “Carlos wouldn’t have offered to bring me along if he thought otherwise. You’ve been through so much. It’s the least I could do to help. And I’m sure you won’t want Zach here, or for him to find out, yet. Do you?”
“Not yet,” I said, shaking my head. I did want him to show up, but with so much going on lately, I just wanted a few more weeks to myself. “If he finds me on his own, then I can handle it. But I’m not ready for more stress just yet.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” Julia said. “Let me help you. We are all here for you. I know that being a new mother is hard, even with help. So, please, let me stay a week or two.”
“I will only be able to be here for another day or so before I have to get back,” Carlos stated. “But there shouldn’t be any more threats against you. Ever.”
“Good,” I said, my voice hard.
Maybe things could start being better now that Aaron was no longer alive. Maybe life would be on the right path now as things calmed down and I got to figure out how to live a life of less threats.
I knew that Taylor didn’t want a funeral, or anything for that matter. There would be no goodbye for him. I knew that life would keep on going, no matter what had happened in this house. But, everything would be fine in the end.
I could do this mother thing. I had family that was willing to help, and a few good friends. So things would work out, one way or another.