Chapter 25
Zachariah
I knew that walking into the life that Avidya had here would be hard. I just hadn’t thought it would be so hard to talk to her. My emotions were everywhere. I wanted to yell, kiss, and spank her all at once. None of which were possible right now.
I was great at putting my foot in my mouth. The words just came out all on their own, and it was too late to take them back.
The screaming baby didn’t help matters. I just wanted to get this over with and start on living again with this girl that held my heart.
I kept my mouth shut as Avidya tended to the baby. I watched how she managed to soothe him with a bottle and diaper change. It seemed so easy to do so, yet I was still left baffled.
How could I not want children when I saw my wife giving loving care to one? She was pro at it. Maybe I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that I never wanted a child and given her desire a thought. Maybe I should have let her do what she wanted. Heck, maybe I was at the entire fault here.
Maybes never went anywhere.
So, I sat there and watched. And waited.
From here on out, I had to tread carefully with anything and everything I would do. I had to be mindful of what I would say, knowing it could either make us or break us. I hated the idea that I could lose this—this that was right in front of me—because of my stupid words. Stupid words that were said but not meant.
If only I could move on past this. If only we could both just skip all these and have our happily ever after.
If only life would work that way.
“How old?” I asked towards the baby that was now calmed down.
“Six weeks today,” she answered. “He arrived eight weeks too early, but he’s healthy and alive.”
“Why?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“I assume he wanted out,” she laughed sadly. “It didn’t help matters when I was held at gunpoint and forced to watch my family get shot right in front of me. Right here where I am standing now, actually.”
“Who would do that?” I asked, fear consuming me. My wife had been in danger, and I was nowhere near here to help keep her safe. My heart thumped in my chest, but felt like my entire body was on alert now that I knew what danger Avidya was in.
All this could have been avoided if she’d have stayed.
Looking around the room, I couldn’t tell that someone had been killed inside this house. No wonder why Travis had come here and didn’t tell me right away what was up. I would have taken a jet and been here within minutes if I had known.
“Aaron,” she answered easily. How the fuck could she be so calm about that?
“How did he come here?” I asked, leaning forward.
“I’m assuming he drove,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I didn’t ask.”
Really? Did she have to joke about this? I thought to myself.
“That’s not what I meant,” I said through clenched teeth. I was trying really hard to calm my anger, and she was not helping me at all.
“He came here to get me. He wanted to use me to get money and who knows what else. He was one sick twisted man who needed mental help,” she answered. “I think he was bipolar, or at least something along the lines of that.”
“Where is he now?” I seethed, anger and fear clouding my vision. I wanted to kill that fucker ten times over. I had thought he was still at the rundown, druggy apartment complex he had been keeping to since his reappearance a year or so ago. I thought he was so high on dope, he’d never come looking for Avidya without leaving a blazing trail behind him.
“Wherever the men took him,” she said, looking me dead in the eye. “I was in a bit of shock, so I didn’t really pay attention to what Travis had barked out. And I don’t really want to know. As long as he’s dead and stays that way, who really cares?”
“Did he touch you?” I asked slowly.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “He tied Taylor to a chair after somehow knocking him out, but he never touched me. I called Kent, and he sent men here to take care of him.”
“Good,” I said, my voice hard. “I should have put a bullet in his head years ago.”
“That’s already been done,” she huffed out as she walked to the baby swing and put the baby into it before starting it so it swung from side to side in a slow motion.
“Good. Saves me the trouble,” I said, letting my body relax as I knew there was no longer a threat. “Did he say anything about why he wanted both of us dead?”
“No,” she answered, turning to face me once more. “I didn’t want to ask, either. I couldn’t risk my life.”
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“As well as I can be,” she said.
Surely, she knew that was not the answer I was looking for. Wisely, I didn’t push.
“Alright, are we just going to not say what needs to be said? Because if so, you can just leave now. Save us the trouble,” she said, folding her arms across her chest.
“Avidya,” I sighed. “I’d rather do much more than just talking. But I don’t want to step over this line we have here between us. I don’t even know where to start. I want to know so many things, but where do I even start? Where would it be best to start without making you upset at me more than you already are? I screwed up, and I want to fix it. I just don’t know how. My entire family knows why you left, and no one told me shit about it! So how am I supposed to pretend what we had wasn’t a lie?”
“You know the reason why I left,” she stated calmly.
“Not entirely, no,” I said, trying to figure her out.
“Think back to that double date with Travis and Kenna,” she said.
Yeah, I could remember that. I wouldn’t call it a date with how it turned out. Avidya had called red at the end, killing anything I had been trying to achieve. All I wanted for her was to see how Travis and Kenna were able get along so well with their type of relationship. They were happy, and I wanted nothing more than that for Avidya and myself.
I gave her a nod.
“Do you know the reason I called it all to stop?” she asked.
“We didn’t ever really talk about it,” I said. “It was only a couple of days before you upped and left. So no. I don’t know why you called it off. Everything. Not just that night, but everything.”
Before she replied, she took a seat on the couch, as far away from me as possible once more. She took a moment to gather her thoughts before going forward. She was the type of girl that always said what was on her mind—that hadn’t changed.
It was one of many things that I loved about her.
“You said you’d force me to have an abortion. You didn’t even listen to Kenna as she tried to make you see how much that thought hurt me,” she went on, her voice quiet. She looked down at the floor as she spoke, “That night…that night I knew I had no choice. I knew I was pregnant, Zach. And you clearly weren’t going to change your decision. You weren’t going to change that choice about taking away the only thing I wanted besides you.”
“So you just ran?” I asked, shocked. How could she hide this from me for so long?
“Yes,” she said, forcing back tears. “If I didn’t run, I would have told you. I’d have told you and you’d make me get rid of him.”
“I’d have listened,” I said, knowing the words were a lie as I said them.
If I hadn’t felt like shit before, I sure did now.
“No. No you wouldn’t,” she said with a sad laugh. “I know you well enough. Or at least I did. I saw it that night that you would never see reason. It broke my heart to leave, but I had no other choice. If I wanted to keep that little baby over there alive, and safe, I had to leave. I did what I had to do to make sure of that. I had to make sure you didn’t take him, and I will do everything to make sure you can’t.”
“Avidya,” I sighed, putting my head in my hands.
Was there any way I could fix this? Would she be able to forgive me?
Chapter 26
Avidya
Why did he have to make this so hard? Was he really stupid enough to think that he had done nothing to cause me to leave? Did he think that I left because of something that had nothing to do with him? What was I to do?
“I’m sorry,” Zachariah finally sighed out after a few silent moments.
“Yeah, that’s not going to cut it,” I replied. A simple sorry was not going to be enough. Not by a long shot.
“What can I do? I want to fix us. Please,” he said, nearly begging.
I couldn’t say anything. I had no idea what to say to that. For most people, saying they needed time was what would sometimes fix this. But time was not on our side. We had nine months’ worth of time, there was no more time to be needed.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know if there can be an us anymore.” There was no chance of us getting back together if he could only be angry at my choices. I would never willingly live with another person that thought they had complete control over me like my parents had.
“Is there someone else?” he asked, sounding scared that there was a possibility of that.
“No,” I huffed through my nose. “There’s only been you.” How could he even ask that of me?
“So why? Why can’t you just let me in?” he asked. His voice rose a pitch at the end of his question.
“It’s not that easy,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice down. “You hurt me, Zach. You hurt me so much because you wouldn’t let me have a baby. You have no idea how much that hurt me inside.”
“I didn’t even know you had one until two days ago!” he seethed, slapping his hands on his knees. “God. I can’t have a chance to even think about it, or about the what ifs when you won’t let me have a chance to even grasp the concept that you have a child. And you hid it from me.”
“You can’t pull that on me,” I said hotly. “If you had known, what would you have done?”
He remained quiet, giving me what I needed in answer. I knew exactly what he would have done.
“See,” I said. “You proved my point. You can’t blame me for leaving.”
“I didn’t say I did,” he said. “Doesn’t change that you left me. You think I hurt you. But you hurt me, too. You broke my heart. You left me. You left us all without a word. That letter you left did nothing to help. You fucking broke me, Avidya.”
Near the end of the words, his voice finally broke. That tiny break in his voice caused my tears to finally fall. After that first tear fell, there was nothing I could do to stop the rest. There was no way I could as my body shook with each passing minute.
As sobs racked me, his arms wrapped around me and pulled me into him. I never thought I’d be able to feel his warmth again. I never thought I’d be able to feel his arms around me.
“God, I’m so sorry, Vidie,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m sorry. I wish I could turn back time.”
I was unable to reply, knowing if I opened my mouth, I wouldn’t be able to make any coherent words.
Instead, I let him hold me. I let him comfort me. I let him do what I had wanted so long.
I just wanted to be held. I wanted to have his arms around me for so long, I hadn’t thought it would be possible to have them again. Taylor never hugged me. Krissy had a time or two, but nothing like this. Nothing else felt like Zachariah’s arms around me.
Being in his arms made things seem a bit better. Maybe we could have a chance at fixing what was broken. It would take a while, that was for sure. But maybe we could be happy together.
I don’t know how long I let him hold me as sobs wracked my body. I don’t know how much time passed as I shed tear after tear, soaking his shirt. As I slowly calmed, I still let his arms stay wrapped around me.
Joshua began to grunt, causing me to pull away from Zachariah with a sniff.
“Sorry,” I said, wiping my tears away.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he said, brushing my hair away from my face. “I should be the one that is sorry. Not you.”
I gave him a tight smile as the grunts turned into cries.
After getting Joshua’s diaper changed, I asked one of the many things I feared to know the answer too. But if we were going to move beyond this, I had to take the step to do it. He didn’t seem to know how.
“Do you want to hold him?” I asked.
“What?” he said, eyes widening.
“Hold him?” I repeated. After a moment with no answer I let out a breath. Why had I even tried? I knew I couldn’t expect a huge turn-about like that. I had to take this all one step at a time.
I held Joshua on in one arm while I readied a bottle with my other. After a week of practice, I thought I was getting it all down. The tiredness was something I had yet to get the hang of. But it was all part of being a parent.
Once I was back on the couch, I couldn’t stop the yawn that escaped.
“Who’s Taylor?” he asked after I got situated. He seemed afraid to know for sure who the man that had lived here was.
“Was my uncle,” I said, not taking my eyes off the baby in my arms.
“Was?” he repeated.
“Aaron killed him when Taylor stabbed him. He tried to save me,” I answered quietly.
“Oh,” he said. That simple two letter word.
“Tell me what you’ve been doing here,” he said, leaning against the back of the couch.
“Why?” I asked.
“So I can maybe understand,” he shrugged.
With a deep breath, I began to tell him. I told him how I feared my life, the life of Josh. I told him that I came here to do anything I could to keep my baby. I spoke the words as though nothing had been different. I said each word as though it was my last. I let my words be filled with heartache and peace with my choices.
I let my words tell what I felt every single day I lived without him by my side. I told him that I hated the idea of leaving. I told him that I did the only thing I could to keep on living.
I told him I was alive only because of the life I had given.
And nothing would change that.
Ever.
“You can’t take him from me, if that’s why you are here now. I won’t let you,” I said towards the man I loved. After everything, I still loved him as much as I ever had before. “If it comes between the two of you, you won’t ever win, Zach. I left to keep him, and I’d do it again.”
“You won’t,” he said. “I won’t take him, and you don’t have to leave again. I’ll do whatever you want. Just please, give me another chance.”
Could I give him a chance? I wanted to. He was here now, after so many months. He was here listening to my words instead of trying to talk over them.
So maybe, just maybe, I could.
Chapter 27
Zachariah
Was I doing the right thing? I had no idea. As the words passed my lips, I knew they were true.
We were both hurting. We were both in need of something from each other. We couldn’t live without one another, and I’d do anything to get both of us to be on the same page, or at least as close as possible. I’d take her back in a heartbeat, the child too. I’d just deal with it, and hope that I could come to terms with everything.
Hopefully.
I could pretend that the child was never there if I had too. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a father, but I could deal with it being in my house. For Avidya, I would.
As Avidya told me what her life had been like the past months had been like for her. I listened to each and every single word that passed her lips. I hung onto them as if my life depended on them. I listened to everything she had to say. Although she hardly looked my way, I could see the sadness on her face.
She really was as sad as I had been. At least she had a reason to keep on living, and try to make something here. She did a better job of everything compared to how I had been handling my life. I would have easily spent every moment drunk if I could have.
I was angry that she had to face Aaron and that everyone had known all the reasons she left me. I wasn’t sure how my family was able to keep it from me for so long.
She knew how to handle the baby, even after a long NICU stay. I felt horrible that she had to deal with all of this alone. Why didn’t she call me? Why didn’t she ask for help? Surely, she needed someone more than just the girl next door to help her.
“Why didn’t you call?” I asked, not able to hold the question any longer. It should have been so easy for her to pick up that phone and call me. I would have answered, no matter what time of day or night it was.
“I wanted to,” she sighed tiredly. “There were a few times I was so close to picking up the phone to call you. I knew your voice would help me make it through the tough days. There were so many days I almost couldn’t keep on going. But I knew you would be able to hear that something was wrong and you’d want to know. I would have told you, too. I needed someone to be here to help, to listen. Sure, I had Krissy and Travis, but they weren’t you.”
“I’d have come earlier if I’d known,” I said. “If you would have told me . . .”
“I was afraid of what you would do,” she said quietly as though she was afraid to say the words, or maybe afraid of my reaction. Or both. “I figured that Travis would have told you sooner though. He had to know that I needed my husband to be here to help soothe my worries and stress.”
“He didn’t tell me anything until he was on the way back home,” I answered. “He was at least half way back by the time he called.”
“He almost didn’t go back,” she stated. “But I knew he missed Kenna and needed to go back eventually. I told him I could handle this on my own. And I want to think that I am.”
“It looks like you are a pro to me,” I shrugged.
“I’m doing the best that I can,” she stated. “It’s not as easy as it looks. But I didn’t expect it to be all that easy. The lack of sleep isn’t the most exciting thing to deal with.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I had nothing to say, since I didn’t even know the first thing about parenting. The lack of sleep, that I could relate to.
“So, how long do you plan to stay?” she asked after a thick silent moment.
“I’m not sure,” I answered. What I didn’t say was that I’d be here until I won her heart back. I’d do whatever I had to do to prove it. To prove that I wanted her. To prove that I still loved her more than anything else. She was my life.
“Okay,” she said on a sigh of defeat.
Was she upset I may not stay long, or was she upset because I may never leave?
“I’ll stay as long as you’d like me to,” I whispered, looking at her. Although she didn’t look at me, my eyes begged her to understand that I wouldn’t leave her until she asked me to.
“I’m sure you have things that you need to do,” she said, refusing to meet my eyes.
“You are more important right now,” I said. “Anything that I left behind can wait.”
“I’m no one,” she said on a sniff.
“You are Avidya Melendez,” I said after scooting over right beside her. “You are my wife. You are a mother, and you are part of a huge family that will do anything to make you happy.”
She simply gave me a watery smile before leaning her head against my shoulder.
“I’m just Avidya.” The muttered words went straight to my heart.
She was so much more, and it would be just one more thing I’d prove to her.