Chapter 11
Avidya
It was the day before Christmas, and one of the days I wasn’t working. It had been easy to get in contact with Bentley, who turned out to be a wonderful friend and co-worker. Krissy and Bentley, and even their children, quickly became good friends. They both welcomed me in with open arms without any questions.
It was strange to be welcomed so warmly. So quickly. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. I never had friends growing up outside of Becca, so everything was so different outside of the hold my parents had over me.
So much was so freaking different in a matter of months.
All that I was willing to give up was that I was pregnant, because there was no way I’d be able to keep that secret for much longer, and that I had left the baby father due to bad circumstances. I never discussed who he was, nor what he did. My new friends didn’t pry, either.
They supported me in my choice and they were there for me when things got a bit overwhelming emotionally.
Some days were worse than others. Some days I was so drawn down, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Other days, I was able to push all thoughts out of my head to keep on living. Knowing my choices made a difference to the baby I carried helped me get up each morning.
Having a support team behind me made a huge difference. One that I couldn’t be happier to have, even if I was grumpy most days because I missed having my husband by my side. It was my choice, and I kept my mouth shut about it.
Taylor was a constant presence, which helped more than he’d ever know. He was able to get off work to take me to each doctor appointment, where everything was looking great. I was now just shy of seventeen weeks, and slightly showing if I wore a tight shirt.
Thankfully, the nausea had passed, and I wasn’t nearly as tired constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I was still tired by the end of the day and crashed shortly after dinner almost every night.
Everything was going as well as I could expect. I had people who were there for me, a place to live, and a job. I didn’t think anything worse could happen now that things were starting to look up finally. I had talked Taylor into going to church at least once a month with me. He wasn’t thrilled, but he did anyhow without too much complaint.
I went to church every Sunday, hoping that it’d help get me out of my depression that I knew I suffered with. It was all my fault, and I had to change things so I could live. I couldn’t let all my hard work go to waste.
Church helped more than friends and family, truthfully. I knew God put these people in my path that I had met so far for a reason, along with giving me a baby that I would no doubt love forever. Most of all, I knew that God’s love would be what helped get me through life, no matter how hard it would get through the next however many years I would have.
The day before Christmas, I slept as late as I could before starting my day. Being in California, it was strange that it didn’t feel like the holidays. It was too warm, and not cold.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do all day, but I felt happy, like things were finally looking up. I had been expecting Zachariah, or even one of his guards, to come find me. But there had been no one. Not a squeak or peep out of anyone that may be looking for me. Not even Aaron.
I still wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted out of me, but as long as he didn’t find me again, I’d be perfectly fine.
The ringing of my cell phone caused me to jump slightly, bringing me out of my thoughts. Glancing at the number, I saw it was only Carlos calling. He had made sure to call me every few days, just to check in. I wasn’t sure why, but I never questioned it. Maybe he was just concerned that I wasn’t happy.
With a shrug, I answered the phone with a simple “Hello.”
“Avidya,” Julia’s name came through the speaker with a sigh of relief.
“Uh, hi,” I said, loss of words. No one but Carlos had called, well, other than the people who I knew here.
“Carlos is going to hate me, but I had to talk to you. How are you, dear?” she said quickly.
Did she steal her husband’s phone to call me? I knew they were pretty open about sharing their phones if they ever needed to, but why would she willing call me? Didn’t she hate me for leaving?
“Doing okay,” I answered.
“I miss you,” Julia sighed out. “We all do.”
“I miss you all too,” I replied, forcing my tears to stay at bay.
“Please, come back home, Avidya,” she said, near tears herself.
“I can’t,” I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see it. “I’m sorry. I can’t come back.”
“Why not?” she asked, sniffing.
“I just can’t,” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I really am. I just can’t come back. I had to leave.”
“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” she asked knowingly.
For once, her assumption was right on. I kept quiet, not able to answer her. I feared if I did, she’d somehow talk me into going back home. I desperately wanted to. I just couldn’t. Not yet.
“How far along?” she asked, her voice quiet.
“Almost seventeen weeks now,” I whispered out. “You can’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. I promise,” she said quickly. “When will you come back? Toby hasn’t been doing well either.”
“I don’t know,” I said, taking a seat at the table. I knew that Toby would be affected, that was a given. Everyone was. “I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Okay,” Julia sighed, knowing there was no use in trying to get me to change my mind. “Where are you?”
“Somewhere,” I shrugged out. “I will come back when I am ready.”
“You’re safe, right?” she quickly asked.
“Yes,” I said, not having to think about it. “I have everything I need here.”
“That’s good,” she said, sounding like she was relieved. “Can I call you again?”
“Sure,” I said after a moment. I think I could handle talking to her more often. I missed everyone so much.
“Great,” she said, a smile in her voice. “Please, give Zach a call. It’d help him cool his temper some. I swear, that man thinks the world revolves around him.”
I couldn’t help but let a laugh out at that. It was a sad heartbroken one, but a laugh all the same.
“It’d make him feel better to know you are, in fact, okay,” Julia said. “Please. It’s the least you could do.”
“I’ll think about it,” I sighed out. I wanted to hear his voice, badly. Was it worth more pain? Would it solve anything?
“Thank you,” Julia said before hanging up. There was no good bye.
As I closed the phone, I let the tear fall. I missed them all so freaking much. More than anything else in the world.
But I had to keep on going.
Chapter 12
Zachariah
Monsters were my only friends now. My family, I had to give them credit, tried to make things better. But it was all a lost cause. There was nothing that could make me feel better. Nothing but my wife.
Since I refused to partake in the holiday, everyone came to me instead. I hated it. Why couldn’t they just let me do what I wanted for once? Why couldn’t they just let me stay home and wallow in my misery alone?
It felt like everyone was determined to make me see the light, whatever good that would do. The light had been gone for a while now.
With my family here, I sat in my office, wallowing alone as much as I could. Their voices reached me every so often. I did everything I could to block them out.
I couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like if Avidya was here. She’d have loved to be a part of all this. She’d maybe even have decorated the house, making it feel more like the holiday spirit. It certainly would make the house feel more like a house than a prison.
As the days passed, the house grew colder and lonelier. I had been spending as much time as I possibly could outside of the house. It didn’t matter what I was doing, as long as I didn’t have be here. Today was one of the very few days I had no option be stuck inside. I would have done anything to get out, but I knew if I tried, someone would stop me.
“How about you come join us?” Grandma said as she stood in the doorway. She gave me that look that said she’d bring the Don into it if she had too. My grandmother may look tiny, but her words were quite powerful when needed. Her and grandpa really were the perfect match; both strong-willed people who butted heads as often as they got along, but still wonderful together.
“Fine,” I sighed out. I stood while pinching my nose. Might as well get this over and done with. The sooner it was over, the quicker I could try to find something to take away my pain again. Not that anything was helping so far.
“She’s better off without you,” Grandma huffed, walking away.
“Just say what you want to say, why don’t you,” I muttered back with a bite to my tone.
“See, that is why. That girl doesn’t deserve you. You can’t even live without her,” she stated with a shake of her head. “I’d have run off too. If I didn’t want to die, I would have a number of times.”
Wisely, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to start something I shouldn’t. Not with this woman. She wasn’t scared of slapping me around to get her point across to me if needed.
With heavy steps, I entered the living room, looking around at all the family members. Violet was trying to get Toby to talk, or at least do something other than sit on the sofa with his knees pulled to his chest as he stared off into space. Toby had grown a lot in the past few months with a good healthy diet, I noticed. Melio was joking around with Travis, who had been welcomed into this family way too easily the last few weeks. My father and grandfather were in a heated discussion about something that I didn’t want to hear at the moment.
“About time you joined us,” Melio said as I took a seat on the far end of the couch that the boy was sitting on.
“If I could have gotten away with it, I wouldn’t have,” I muttered, slouching in the seat.
“What happened to that strong, powerful man you once were? Surely a girl can’t cause that much damage,” Keena stated. A statement from a Domme who knew what she wanted out of life didn’t sit well with me.
“Life. Life happened,” I said.
I wasn’t as strong any more. It was hard to be someone I wasn’t while in front of my family. I was torn down into nothing. Why would I need to pretend for my family now? Who cared what I was anymore?
“I want Vidie!” Toby’s loud voice rose above everyone else’s that was in the room. It felt like all noise instantly stopped as he talked.
“I know you do, sweetie. But she’s not here. There’s no need to yell, either,” Violet was quick to try to soothe him.
I knew how the kid felt. I wanted her too.
“She has to come back!” he said, his voice filled with despair. His dark eyes pinned me in my place. “You made her leave! I don’t like you. It’s all your fault!”
“I didn’t do anything,” I huffed out, leaning my head back against the back of the couch. “She can come back anytime she fucking wants to.”
“Toby, she wanted to leave,” Julia said, kneeling down in front of him. “She misses you, though.”
“How’d you know that? It’s not like she will ever talk to any of us,” he huffed with labored breathing.
“I talked to her yesterday. She’ll come back when she’s ready,” my mom said quietly.
At her words, I popped my eyes opened. She talked to my wife? How?
“But he made her leave. He didn’t want her! She left me. She promised she wouldn’t. I want her to come back,” he cried out.
“We all do,” Mom said. “And she will when she feels it’s safe here.”
“She said it was safe here,” Toby breathed out. “I want her.”
Before anyone could react, Toby launched himself off the couch and ran up the stairs. No one chased him. No one tried to get him to come back.
Why couldn’t they do that to me? Why couldn’t they just let me go and run off my pent-up frustration?
“When did you talk to her?” Carlos asked. He didn’t seem all that surprised, but he wasn’t happy, either.
“Yesterday,” Mom answered, standing up and wiping away non-existent wrinkles from her dress pants.
“Figured you’d have called sooner,” Carlos said with a shrug. “Get what you wanted?”
“No,” Mom said with a sad smile. Turning to me she said, “Make sure you answer your phone today.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Just do,” was all she said before saying something about checking on dinner.
~oOo~
It was just after eleven that night when everyone finally left. The house was once against dark, cold, and empty. Toby had been hiding in the spare bedroom, refusing to come out until Avidya came home. Poor kid. I wish I could have hidden until she came back home, too. But I was a grown man and that just wasn’t acceptable to act like a child.
I was tired and ready for bed, but I knew sleep would not be coming to me willingly once more. I was lucky if I got a couple hours of sleep each night. Most nights, I laid awake thinking. I had taken to sleeping on the couch or in the office. I hadn’t looked twice at the bed. I physically couldn’t.
I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to me. I used to be tough and everyone would easily cower in fear from me. Now, I was a snobby, depressed man. How could one simple girl change me so much?
It didn’t make sense. I had to find that tough man again. I had to be strong. No more moping. At least not around people. I could hide my true feelings from the family. I’d done it before.
The ringing of the house phone rang through the house. I debated answering it, since no one ever called that phone. As it rang the fourth time, I took a deep breath and answered.
“Hello?” my voice was rough, filled with lack of sleep and patience.
I could hear breathing, but no one spoke for what felt like years.
“If you aren’t going to talk, I’ll just hang up,” I muttered down the line.
“Please, don’t,” Avidya’s voice came through. Her voice was quiet, soft, and just as I remembered.
“Alright,” I sighed, running a hand down my face. I had no idea what to say to her. There was so much, yet nothing I could say. After a few seconds of nothing coming from either of us, I finally took a breath and said something. “I miss you. So fucking much.”
“I miss you, too,” she spoke. She sounded tired, just as tired as me if it was possible. “How…How are you?”
“Fucked up,” I said. I wasn’t going to pretend for her. Anyone but her. “I want you back, Avidya. Please.”
I would fucking beg for this woman to come back to me. Right this minute.
“I…I’m sorry,” she said with a tear-filled voice.
My shoulders slumped. “Why?”
“You’ll hate me. I can’t face you right now. You…I’m sorry,” she spoke.
“I can’t hate you. Never,” I said. “I love you more than life itself.”
“But you will when know my reasons,” she sighed.
“Tell me, then. Tell me them so I can figure out how to make this all right,” I asked, nearly begging already.
“You can’t,” she said sadly. “This is all on me. There is nothing you can do, Zach.”
“I miss you. Please, would you just come back? I’ll make it all better. I’m so sorry for whatever I did,” I said. I had to fix whatever I did to make her leave me. I wish I knew what I did so I could fix is now.
“You didn’t do anything, Zach,” she said. “I’ll come back when I know it’s safe. I can’t…I’m…” she trailed off. I could hear her softly crying on the other end.
“Please,” I whispered. I wanted to reach through the phone and pull her back home. Pull her into my arms to hold her tightly and never ever let her go again. “When will you come back? Toby misses you, too.”
Maybe if she knew Toby was just as upset as the rest of them, she’d return. Maybe she’d come back for one of us.
“You have no idea how much I miss him. I miss you so much,” she said, clearing her throat. “But I can’t.”
“Why the fuck not?” I shouted. I heard her intake of breath, but it didn’t stop me. “Why can’t you fucking come back and deal with this like an adult?”
“When you can act like one, I will,” she spoke, her voice soft and smooth. “I’ll come back when I know you won’t act stupid about the choices I’ve made. I bet you haven’t even figured out why I ran, have you?”
“No,” I grunted out. “No one will tell me a fucking thing.”
I was happy to hear her voice, but I wanted to hold her. I wanted to see her. I just wanted her back home. Why couldn’t she be back home.
“That’s for the best,” she said quietly.
“I’ll come track you down and drag you back here,” I seethed.
I wanted to punch something. Anything.
“I’m surprised you haven’t yet,” she stated. Was that what she was waiting for? Was she wanting me to track her down to drag her back home? Because I wanted to. I hadn’t yet because I had no clues to finding her or I would have already.
“I will if you don’t tell me why you ran,” I threatened.
“You haven’t yet, therefore you still won’t,” she said, almost amused. “Who knows, maybe one day I’ll just show up on your doorstep with my reason for running.”
“Please do. Like right now,” I gritted out.
“Or maybe one day, I’ll get back to the place I’m staying, and you’ll just be sitting here, waiting for me. A look of pure fury on your face,” she mused.
“Avidya, please,” I said. Was she playing with me? “Would you come back with me, if I did show up?”
“As long as you grow up, yes. I can’t give up my own beliefs for you. Not when someone else is involved,” she answered.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked.
“Just think about it. I’m sure it’ll come to you. If not, when you ever get the balls to grow up, please come find me. I don’t want this anger-filled man on my doorstep. I want the man that I fell in love with. The man that took control, but let me have complete say over everything I want. I want the man that will hold my wishes and my broken heart in his hands. I want that man to come find me and put us back together.
“I may have left, but you have ways to find me. Think about it. Think about what you could really do. Prove to yourself that you deserve me. Because right now, I don’t think you do. Not when you took that one choice away from me. It could have been any choice, but it had to be the one I knew I’d never be able to look past.” She paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts.
“It’s late. I love you, Zachariah.” With that, she hung up, not giving me a chance to reply.
What the fuck just happened? She made no sense to me, and now I was more confused than I had been the day she left me.