Chapter 9
Avidya
Dear Diary,
It has been a few weeks. I know. But not writing has given me time to figure things out, at least somewhat. As much as I can for the time being. I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I guess I’ll find out in time.
In the past few weeks, it feels like I am doing the right thing. It may be the only thing that counts, but as long as it keeps me living, then I’ll take it.
Three weeks ago, I left my husband. The one true person that I knew without a doubt that could keep me safe, give me what I’ve always wanted—love and peace—and I broke his heart to do so. I broke my own to do so.
I wonder if I made the right choice. I will always wonder. Now or ten years down the road. I will wonder if all this heartache was worth the price.
I know without a doubt that it will be.
My heart hurts and will continue to do so until I have the strength to face Zach again. I’m not sure I ever will. I fear what will happen when, and if, I ever do face him again.
I’m sure he has to hate me. I hate me.
I ran and haven’t looked back. I can’t. Not when I have life inside of me. I knew what would happen if I stayed. I would be devastated because I’d have been forced to do something I can’t do.
I possibly can’t see the good in choices if they are taken away from me.
Zach once promised me that he would never take my choices away. But he did. He was so angry at the thought of what could happen, that he took the choice clear away without a second thought. He promised me from the start that I would have a say over everything, but apparently not this thing that I was facing now.
I’m writing again. Not because my husband wanted me to while I lived with him, but so he can maybe someday understand my side of things. So he can understand why I ran. He has the right to know. It’s the only thing I can possibly give him in return for the heartache I have caused him.
I can’t write to him. I can’t because I know I’ll pour every little thing out to him if I sat down to do so. I have so much to say to him, yet nothing at all. I hurt so much, I don’t know if anything can ever fix it. Instead, after I fill in each of these notebooks with my words, with my thoughts, I’ll send them to Carlos. He will be able to get them to my husband when he feels the time is right.
Why did I run? I’m sure he wants to know. Everyone I left wants to know. The answer can’t be said yet. I can’t trust him to know what I hold deeply in my heart. I know it’s only a matter of time before he finds out from his father and even grandfather. But I can’t give up the last living thing I have.
It’s the reason I ran so far away. It’s the reason I asked the man that first proposed to get me out of the life that I was no doubt destined for in one way or another.
I may be alone, for the most part, but I will be happy with my choices. I have to be.
If running broke my marriage, I can’t ever be displeased with Zach’s choices in life. Just as he can’t with mine.
I’m tired, hurt, and happy all at once. I can envision my future and Zach isn’t there. I can’t see him here with me anytime soon. And that hurts. More than anything else.
I wish he could be. It’d make this easier. I wish I could be with my family. But, I can’t.
I’m here. And there is nothing that can change now.
I’ll be okay. I just hope that what I left behind will be okay too. I’m sorry for all the hurt that I have caused my departure. To everyone.
But we all must move on.
~Avidya
Closing the new notebook I had gotten at the store just the day before, I set it on the little side table beside the bed. I had gotten in the habit to write a few times a week, and now that I was able to get a new notebook and pen, I figured I might as well start it back up. I needed some form of outlet, and this was one of the few things I could come up with.
Writing not only helped sort my thoughts out, but helped me get things written out that I couldn’t say with spoken words. It helped to an extent, at least.
I also had picked up some new clothes, since I hardly brought anything with me. The weather was warmer, too, so I really needed shorts. I actually enjoyed shopping for myself for once. It hadn’t happened all that often my entire life, so I certainly took advantage of it.
California weather was way too warm for being this close to winter. During the day, it was hot and humid. By the time the sun set, it was cold. I never wanted to go home as much as I did now. I’d love nothing but to be held against Zach’s chest and hear his heartbeat within his chest.
Instead, I sat here on my borrowed bed, not sure what to do. I had yet to find a job, but I also hadn’t been looking all that hard to find one, either. I really was just content to stay here and sleep my days away.
Taylor was welcoming, at least. He’d been busy working, but he tried to be there if I needed anything. Despite the first impressions I got from him, he did care about people. He was afraid to make friends, but who wouldn’t be? One could never guess if someone would come up out of nowhere to find either of us.
The little picture that the doctor had printed off now sat on the nightstand in a simple green metal frame. It was too early to tell what the gender was, but I loved the baby nonetheless. I didn’t care what it was. A boy. A girl. I’d love it no matter what.
I really was pregnant. I couldn’t believe I was ten weeks today. It’s crazy how fast times goes by.
Christmas was just a little over a month ago, and I’m still here. I’m surprised that Zachariah hadn’t found me, dragging me back to where our home was. But first, he’d drag me to get rid of the baby, and I couldn’t ever let that happen. I knew it was a matter of time. Only a matter of time before he showed up to do just that.
I just hoped that he would be a bit more willing to see things from my view when the time came. I prayed that he would. After all, it was the only thing I could do right now.
Sighing, I flipped my legs over the edge of the bed and stood. Taylor was at work, the house was clean, and I was bored. Reading on my e-reader didn’t sound all that appealing, either.
Maybe I did need a job to pass the time. Just not sure what. Taylor had no internet access, and for good reasons. I’d have been tempted to look up information on Zach if I was able to most likely.
Opening the door, I stepped outside. There was hardly anyone around at this time of day. Well, anytime, really. It was a quiet part of the neighborhood.
The thought of taking a walk was a possibility, if I wasn’t afraid I’d get lost or be found by someone that didn’t need to know who I was.
Leaving the screen door open, I took a seat on the steps, my hands hanging between my legs as I stared off to the horizon. Or what I could see of it. A small breeze caused my hair to slightly move. I could feel the incoming cold front that would be hitting us during the night that promised to bring rain.
I wondered what it would be like to live here, caring for the baby. I had no idea what it would all entail, but I did need to find out so I could be prepared. Was there any way to be prepared?
What did I even need? And when did I need to start looking? There seemed to be so much to do, yet nothing to do at the same time.
“Hello!” greeted a little girl as she bounced her way over to me, stopping just feet before me. She could only be five years old or so. She wore a pale yellow dress, her hand playing at the bottom of it. Her dark red hair was pulled into pigtails, showing off her gray eyes as she took me in.
“Uh, hi,” I said, giving her a smile.
“Catrina,” called a lady, who I assumed was the child’s mother. She looked a lot like the little girl, but a bit darker eyes and a few freckles along her cheekbones. “So sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I shrugged. “I like kids.”
“She likes everyone,” she laughed. “I’m Krissy, by the way.”
“Avidya,” I replied.
“I haven’t seen you around here before,” Krissy mused, placing her hands on her daughter’s shoulders.
“I just got here not long ago,” I said. I hadn’t hardly stepped foot out of the house until just this week, so of course she wouldn’t have seen me here since I arrived.
“I didn’t know that Mr. Shantez had any family,” she hinted.
“He doesn’t have much,” I laughed, running a hand over my bare arm. Glimpsing the fading mark that had been left on my upper arm, a pang of hurt hit me. I brushed it off. “I’m his niece.”
“Oh, that’s nice,” Krissy said. “He always seems so lonely. Glad he has family then. How long do you plan to stay?”
“For a while,” I answered. “I was in between places and he offered me a room for as long as I need.”
“If you need anything, I’d be happy to help,” Krissy stated.
“Know of anyone hiring?” I asked jokingly.
“I do!” she said, her stormy gray eyes lighting up. “My friend runs as in-home daycare. She could use an extra pair of hands. Three days a week.”
“Really? That’d be perfect,” I said. “I used to work with kids at Sunday School.”
“Do you have a phone?” she asked.
“A really old one,” I laughed, holding up the flip phone that I had stuffed into my pocket. It was a burner phone, but worked to get ahold of Taylor if needed.
It would have been so easy to call Zachariah, to hear his voice. But I couldn’t. I have no idea what would happen if I heard his voice. What could I even say to him if I called? A simple sorry was not going to work. I owed him more than just a few easy words.
She laughed, but didn’t’ say anything as she took the phone from my hand. As she handed it back, she spoke. “I entered my number, and my friend’s—Bentley. Give her a call and she can work on getting you in there as soon as you’d like.”
“Thanks,” I said, grateful she was willing to help me in any way she could.
“Bentley is super nice!” Catrina gushed. “She watches me and like twenty other kids!” She held up both hands, showing me her version of how many twenty was.
She was adorable. I couldn’t help but smile at her, letting my emotions show through my eyes.
“Only between five and eight, depending on the day,” Krissy laughed. “My monkey over exaggerates. Constantly.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the girl. “Don’t most?”
“Well, I better go. It was nice to meet you,” Krissy said.
“You, too,” I replied.
“Bye!” Catrina called as her mother took her by the arm.
“Bye,” I said, giving her a wave.
“We should get together sometime. I’d hate to see you be all on your own like that uncle of yours,” Krissy called over her shoulder as she was halfway to the house next door.
“Sure,” I smiled. “I could use a friend or two here.”
“Great!” Krissy smiled before continuing on her way.
Surely making a friend or two here wouldn’t hurt me. There was no way I could let them know who I was, or that I was married to a mobster. But having someone to talk to sounded like a wonderful idea.
Maybe Karma was trying to show me that everything would be okay here.