Chapter 8
Avidya
Within days, I sat at the doctor’s office, my knee bouncing as I sat in the chair. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but I knew I had to get this done. I had to get it confirmed.
What if I wasn’t really pregnant? What would I do then? Was there any chance that I wasn’t?
I was sure that if I went by periodic vomiting episodes, I was without a doubt pregnant. So why was I second guessing that positive test? I had no idea. I was getting pretty good at second guessing everything these days.
Maybe I should have let Taylor tag along to this, just so I didn’t have to go alone. But what was done, was done. There was nothing I could do to change it now.
Looking around the waiting room, I was nearly by myself. The walls were painted a soft cream color, matching the blackish gray chairs that were set up around the waiting room. In the corner that was along the same wall as the entrance door, there was a small table with four colorful chairs around a blue round table. A few coloring books and markers set on the table in the middle. Next to that, was a small bookshelf filled with books.
Apparently, this was one of the best doctor’s offices in town. Although, there was only one other one not all that far away.
The only other person besides the receptionist was an older lady who was currently looking through some house décor magazine, humming to herself.
It wasn’t that long of a wait before my name was called by a nurse who wore SpongeBob scrubs. I stood, following her past the door and into what looked to be a hallway.
“Have you left a urine sample?” she asked, looking at the chart in her hands.
“Yes,” I answered. That was the first thing asked of me after I filled out the forms, using my borrowed name and address. It had felt weird, though. In a span of six months, I now have had three different last names. What more could possibly change?
“Good,” the nurse stated. “Please, step up onto the scale.”
I did as instructed, letting the nurse weigh and take my blood pressure. She seemed to want to get done with her day, and I couldn’t blame here. She looked tired and worn down.
After showing me to the room, she said the doctor would be in shortly.
I took a seat on the examination table, the white paper crinkling as I tried to get comfortable. I never did understand why they had to use this type of paper.
After waiting for nearly three minutes, there was a soft knock on the door before it was pushed open.
“Good afternoon, Miss Shantex,” she greeted. Her hair was pulled back by clips on both sides of her face, making her square face more prominent. Her bright blue eyes looked me over. “I’m Dr. Fare, but please call me Ree. I see you are here to confirm being pregnant.”
“Ah, yeah,” I said. My voice came out a bit quieter than I had hoped. My hands were damp with sweat.
“No need to be nervous,” she stated, taking a seat on a purple leather stool. “The sample you left confirms you are, indeed, pregnant. Any idea how far along you may be?”
“Not really,” I grimaced. “It wasn’t planned.”
“That’s perfectly fine,” she spoke. “Before I come up with a plan of action, I’d like to do an ultrasound to find out how far along you are.”
“Okay?” I said, figuring that much.
“What are your plans?” she asked, folding her hands in her lap, giving me her entire attention.
When I didn’t answer right away, she explained a bit more. “Do you plan to keep the baby?”
“Yes,” I answered. Why else would I be here?
“Is the father in the picture?” she asked next.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “He doesn’t know, nor will he.”
“Okay,” she said, not asking for clarification on what I said. “Last one. Do you want to know the gender when that time comes?”
“Yes, please,” I laughed. It’d be a bit easier to figure out how to live my life if I knew what would be in store.
“Perfect,” she replied easily. “Everything will work out just fine. I can answer any questions that you have. All new moms, and even experienced ones, always have a question or two. Now, I’d like to get that ultrasound done today if possible, just to get an idea on how far along you are. You’ll need to start taking prenatal vitamins, along with making sure you take care of yourself.
“I’ll have a nurse draw some blood to check iron levels and the works while I check to see if our lab tech is in,” she finished. “Any questions?”
I shook my head, trying to grasp everything she had said.
“If you do, let me know. I’ll also have a packet of stuff for you to look and read through that will help you. Along with a pregnancy book that should also help you with anything that will come along.”
With that, she left the room, leaving me to muse over her words.
I could do this, right?
~oOo~
“Everything good?” Taylor asked as I slipped into the passenger seat of the pickup.
“Yep,” I said, still in a daze. I sat the folder of information in the space between us before buckling my seat belt.
“You okay?” he asked, turning his eyes to me. His voice was softer as he asked the question. Was he scared I was changing my mind on my reasons, on my beliefs?
“I’m pregnant,” I stated, my voice quiet.
“That is why you are here,” he said, trying to hide his amusement.
“What will I do?” I said more to myself than to him. I hated feeling so out of whack, overwhelmed, and just plain out tired.
Taylor didn’t answer me, knowing I wasn’t looking for an answer from him. Instead, he gave me a small smile and started the truck. Backing out of the parking lot and out onto the street.
“I wish he’d be here,” I muttered. “I wish Zach could experience all this. But most of all, I just wish he’d not hate the idea of having a kid.”
“I’ll be happy to tag along with you to your appointments, if you want me to, that is,” Taylor said. His words were quiet, but I heard them all the same.
“You don’t really want to,” I said, leaning my head against the window. “Plus, you have to take time off of work.”
“Have to do that anyhow,” he grunted. “I don’t mind.”
“You sure?” I asked, looking at him.
Although he was nervous and didn’t really wanting to go to every single appointment with me, he would. Not because he was obligated to keep an eye on me, but because he really did care.
“What else do I have to do?” he shrugged in an answer. “It’s what families do. I may not have been there for you when you were a child, but I sure as fuck will try now.”
“Okay,” I yawned, giving in.
I didn’t want to do this all alone if I didn’t have to. I knew that no matter how prepared I thought I was, I didn’t want to do this all without someone by my side. I knew I’d doubt my actions more than once.
I may also want my husband by my side every step of the way, but that was not an option, nor would it ever be. So, Taylor could be there if he wanted. I wouldn’t fight him.
“How about some ice cream?” he asked, bringing me out of my depressed thoughts.
“Sure,” I laughed, already liking the idea of something cold to eat. “As long as we do it after every appointment.”
“Deal,” he laughed.
I’d be okay. I had to be to prove to myself that I could do this.
This was now my life that I was stepping into with both feet. No turning back.