Chapter Seventeen

Iris

 

Marching down to Cobalt, the wind whipping through the trees and thunder growling across the bay, I held my head high. A pressure was coming and going in my throat, burning my eyes one minute and my gut the next. I could have slapped Kal right across his pale, sweaty face. I didn’t care how sick he was. How dare he speak to me like that?

For days, days, I’d tried to abide by his stupid lead. Keeping conversation to a bare minimum—to the barest essentials. Avoiding him when I could. Making myself a damn mouse.

My anger echoed louder than the thunder. The storm wasn’t even rattling me, I was so furious.

And I’d done all that for what? He insisted on being a grumpy, impossible, and unfriendly inhuman piece of ice. I could hardly believe he was the man who’d talked about losing his dad young or asked me about my mom or let me sleep on him as an ice bear.

Or that I’d let myself think for a moment those stupid flowers meant something.

Skidding on a wet patch of earth, I toppled forward, catching myself hard on my hands. Dirt coated my palms and knees as I got back up. Tears stung my eyes, and I swallowed a hiccup.

While I understood Kal wasn’t happy about being my fake mate, I’d thought he’d maybe come around and be my friend again. Too many times, I’d wake up and wonder about that last, stormy night. When he’d told me to stay in Winfyre, and there’d been a moment of connection.

More and more, it seemed like a sweet, childish dream. A bitter smile twisted my mouth. Because that’s exactly what it was.

How many stories had I heard about the big bad ice bear of the Northbane? The cold-hearted, gruff force at Xander Bane’s side, doing all the dirty work? The hard-assed soldier?

Kal had said what he needed to say to get me to Winfyre and protect his own. I’d been stupid enough to think for a minute that that included me. And it shouldn’t hurt, but it did.

I caught a sob in my throat and swallowed it. All my life, I’d been on my own and on the outside. The most important thing was recalling that strength and putting on a smile.

Whatever else Winfyre was or wasn’t, I’d promised to help them. There were good people here, and the peace of the Northern Wilds depended on them. I couldn’t let Kal distract me now, when I was almost a third of the way through the book.

It began to rain, and I hurried into Cobalt, shaking in my thin coat. The cuts on my hands throbbed as I glanced around for a place to wash up. I couldn’t go to the Archives like this.

Kal’s pained grimace as he sat hunched at the bar flashed into my mind, followed by the sag in his shoulders as he leaned his forehead against the fridge. That big idiot could lie all he wanted and try to tough his way through a migraine, but I knew he had to be in hell right now. Part of me almost wanted to let him suffer, but my mother had used to suffer from those. They could be debilitating.

With a sigh, I made my way to the infirmary as the rain really began to come down. Inside, I drew back my hood and sighed. A peaceful, beautiful building with wide windows and light walls, filled with the light scents of spices and herbs, it relaxed me instantly.

Rogda came bustling around the corner and tilted her head at me as I tried to smile. But my face felt odd, and my throat worked as she came forward.

“Iris Lisay, you are not who I expected to see this morning,” she said, and her one eye searched my face. “Are you all right? You look…”

I hastily nodded and held up my hands. “Took a bit of a tumble. Could I wash up?”

Exclaiming in Russian, she examined my hands and shook her head. “Let me help—come, come. Niles!” Her big blond son appeared around the corner. “Put on some tea.”

“Cassidy already did,” he said, and the pixie-like brunette appeared at his elbow. I’d only seen her a handful of times since she’d healed me in the woods all those weeks ago. Now the memory was like a punch to the chest. “Are you all right, Iris?”

“She took a bad fall,” Rogda explained and pulled me into a big kitchen. “I hope you don’t mind, dear—I’m just in the middle of making breakfast, remedies, and the like. Since you’re not contagious, I thought we could treat you in here.”

“That’s fine,” I said and followed her to the big sink. “And it wasn’t a bad fall.”

“Your pants are filthy,” Cassidy said. “Would you like me to get you another pair? Or a skirt? I think I have a skirt that would fit you.”

“Oh, it’s not necessary. I’ll just wipe it off,” I protested as warm water ran over my hands. Rogda’s capable fingers carefully cleaned off the dirt and soaped them up. “Honestly, I actually didn’t even come here for me.” I went to speak and realized that saying his name was like driving a hot stake into my stomach. “Would you believe it, but the ice bear is pretty sick. Migraine, I think.”

“Oh no,” Rogda said and led me to the table. “Cass, could you—” She smiled as the girl handed her a big jar. “Thank you. Would you believe when Cassidy got to Winfyre, she’d barely talk to a soul? Tried to run away, too.”

“Thanks, Mama Ro,” Cassidy said. “So, should I head up the hill?”

Rogda didn’t answer. She dabbed at my hands with a warm, clean cloth and absorbed the blood. Then she pulled out the salve and spread something cool across the cuts. It smelled wonderful but was extremely sticky. I was about to ask about it when she pulled out a bandage and wrapped my palms. The bandages were thin and flexible, allowing me to flex my fingers and move my hands without too much of an inconvenience.

“Ma,” Niles said, and Rogda shook herself. “You want Cass to go?”

“Sorry, Cass,” her mother-in-law said. “My mind was elsewhere. No, I’ll go. You two have too much to do around here, and I need to have a chat with Kallen.”

Though nothing in her words was indicative of a dismissal, Cassidy and Niles both said polite good-byes, got up, and left. Rogda had me sit down, getting up herself to make tea. Then she brought over a plate of warm oatmeal cookies, berries, and hard-boiled eggs.

When I gave her a puzzled look, Rogda waved me off, saying, “I know you didn’t have breakfast. Had a fight with Kal, instead.” I sucked in a breath and tried to smile, tried to shake my head, but I couldn’t move. “Stubborn, stubborn fool. All five of them. Hard to say who is worse—sometimes it depends on the day.” A tremble went through my hands as I tried to sip my tea and shrink into the bench. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about. “I know, I’m a prying old woman.”

“You’re not old,” I murmured. “And it’s fine.”

“You are a sweet girl with the biggest heart,” Rogda said, and I looked up at her. “And yet I see you trying to close it off. Why?” When I gaped at her, she continued, “What? I’m a holistic kind of healer.”

“I’m not trying—no, I mean, I’m trying to do my job and not bother Kal,” I said, and my tongue tripped over his name. “Nothing I do seems to work.”

“Nothing?” Rogda asked.

“No,” I said, and it all poured out. “I’ve been trying to keep my distance, be professional and aloof, do exactly what he wants. And I don't know why. I'm not usually like that. I’m not weak or think I have to follow someone else’s lead, but he’s an Alpha of the Northbane, and he saved my life.

But does that give him the right to be such an unforgivable, surly ass all of the time? I mean, what did I do that was so wrong? I’m neat, I’m quiet, I’m nice—” I broke off as Rogda smiled at me and handed me a tissue. “Dammit.” I dabbed at my face. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Rogda said and patted my arm. “You needed to let that out. I could see it all over your face. You were about to implode. I’ve never seen you without a smile.” She heaved a sigh. “And I understand. Humoring Kal is a herculean task. It’s why I never do it.”

I shot a look at her. “What?”

“Kal and his brothers, they also saved my life and my sons’ lives. Brought us here, built this place, and keep us safe. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to kowtow to Xander’s secrets, Luke’s worries, Tristan’s recklessness, Rett’s workaholic tendencies, or Kal’s strictness.” Rogda laughed as I made a face. “I know—you’re thinking that I can do that, because of who I am. But the truth is, dear, Northbane’s Alphas are aware of the position they hold and how easily they can wield its influence over others. They’re careful in that, for the most part.” She sighed and looked at the rain lashing the window. “Kal, though…he thinks the responsibilities of Winfyre demand a sacrifice and stamina that even angels on high would balk at. And he guards his heart almost as well as this territory.”

“Exactly, so I shouldn’t be complaining,” I said.

“No,” Rogda said. “You should. He is so afraid of being fallible, of making mistakes, that I think he’d rather let this place swallow him whole than make one. But that isn’t the way life works. Especially post-Rift. It’s messy and complicated and even more connected than it was before, no?”

“You think he’s in some kind of trouble?” I asked.

“Oh, he already is,” Rogda said with a tinkly laugh. “What we’re afraid of, those who love him and know him, under all that ice—is that he’ll wake up one day, and things will have passed him by. Moments, memories, and people.” Her eye took me in. “So, my advice is to be yourself. Be messy and human, and don’t shrink down to accommodate him. Take up as much room as you can.”

“But I’m a guest,” I said faintly.

“Oh, my dear Iris,” Rogda said. “You have never, ever, been a guest.”