Chapter Twenty-Two

Iris

 

It had been nearly five days since I’d seen Kal, each one longer than the last.

I hated that I had no other way to measure time. Hated that I let myself be fooled into thinking he cared, and things were going to be different. Hated that I argued myself down, trying to be patient and chill, when all I wanted to do was break something.

Also hated that I was being a petulant child when there was a serious crisis going on.

Today, I’d dragged myself downstairs and set out to work, but I kept getting distracted. Food supplies were running a bit low, and I hadn’t been outside since that strange, rainy night with the run-in with Versk and Kal’s rescue.

I was also stuck. There was a page I couldn’t translate, and without it, I couldn’t move on. Every time I tackled it, a fresh and swamping wave of panic would hit me. Then desperation.

Part of me knew that I was a bit burnt out, that I should take a break, recharge, and come back to it with fresh eyes. But another part of me wanted to leave it.

Here it was—my way out. Guess I’m useless after all. No answers to be found by the likes of me.

Banging came from the front door, and I barely flinched, glancing over my shoulder, then resuming my work. The banging came again, and I sighed, knowing whoever was knocking wasn’t going to stop. They must have known I was home.

Going over to it, I was surprised to see Laia, who looked me over and shook her head. “Go take a shower, and then we’re going to lunch.”

“I can’t—I’m sorry,” I said and pushed my glasses up my nose. “I have a lot of work to do.”

“You haven’t been out of this house in days, Iris,” Laia said, and her brow furrowed. “We’re worried about you. Come and have lunch with me and Corinna.” Her gold eyes got huge. “Please?”

Growling under my breath, I ushered her in, and she walked into the living room, then shook her head. “Good lord, I knew I should’ve come by yesterday. Come on, pip pip.”

While I took a shower, Laia picked out an outfit and then whisked me down to Cobalt. We met Corinna at a nice place that was down on the water. It looked out over the bay, the fitful bars of light playing on the water and the mountains across the bay.

Even though I’d been perfectly happy being gloomy, under their influence, I cheered right up and began to chatter away with them. But part of me ached at Corinna’s delight at spending time with me—I hated deceiving her like this.

Out of nowhere, Corinna suddenly reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, Iris. I know.” I gaped at her and shot a look at Laia, who shook her head once. “I mean, I know Kal hasn’t been around, and he’s being weird about family stuff.”

“Oh,” I said with a laugh. “Well, none of the Alphas have been around, right?”

Laia nodded. “Eliot and Luna are old enough to be inconsolable at bedtime. I’ve had Rett’s sisters staying with me to help. They’re watching the kids now.”

“Did you tell them we were having lunch?” Corinna asked, and Laia shook her head guiltily. “Good, they would have insisted on coming, and if Iris met Callie and Maddie before my mom…” She shook her head. “Kal stopped by for a quick visit a week or so ago, and she was pretty ticked off.”

“Why, because he hasn’t introduced Iris yet?” Laia sounded protective. “She’s settling in.”

“Yeah, well, that was part of the reason, but another thing was that someone had told her about how Kal and Iris haven’t really been seen anywhere. And how Versk was being weird.” I tensed up, and Laia gave me a quick, reassuring smile. “Anyhow, you know we had that big dinner, and he was a no-show. I think they’re trying to plan another one. Maybe this weekend. If Kal’s home, he’s under strict orders to bring you, Iris.”

A falling sensation went through my stomach, and I almost clutched the table. Meeting all of the Deacons. Kal’s mom and stepdad, and his half-sister Charlotte. His aunt and uncle, Rett’s sisters, and whoever else from the extended family came.

“And, of course, he didn’t tell you,” Corinna muttered. “I’m sorry, my mom asked me to mention it. She thought he would’ve said something…I mean, you don’t have to go.”

“No, I’ll go,” I said through numb lips.

Thankfully, it was the end of lunch. Corinna had to get back to the store, and Laia had to get back to the house. I walked a little way with Corinna, who gave me a warm hug and told me not to worry. “Everyone will love you,” she assured me more than once.

Needing a distraction, I went to the market. Hooking a bag over my arm, I wandered up and down the stalls. As it was approaching winter, there were massive tarps stretching overhead and great swaths of material around the perimeter to keep out the cold. Even though I was pretty warm, if distracted and still toting around an empty bag, a shiver went up my spine.

“Need help?” asked a deep voice from behind me.

Standing in front of me, looking a little tired and ragged, was Kal. A gasp escaped me, and I reached for him, needing proof I wasn't hallucinating. His warm hand squeezed mine and pulled me to his side, an arm wrapping around my shoulders.

Kal rested his forehead on the side of my head, and I had the strangest sense he was breathing me in, reassuring himself that he wasn’t hallucinating, either. His clean, masculine scent filled my nose, and I let myself lean into him a little bit. I could tell he’d showered recently, as I could smell his soap on him, and his clothes seemed fresh. But I could also tell he probably hadn’t gotten a full night’s rest since I’d last seen him.

“You okay?” he asked, and his breath tickled my ear.

“Yes,” I said. I wondered where the annoyance of earlier had gone.

Was it insane to give in to him like this? To let myself enjoy this and forget about the fight, the fractured walk home, and the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in days? His arm slid down, rubbing my arm, and then settled around my waist. At that moment, I didn't care. Let it all be a pretense. It didn't feel that way. It had never felt that way.

In my own way, I knew I was being just as unfair. Wanting things I couldn’t have.

“Iris.” My eyes were closed, and I nodded. A finger poked my cheek. “You sure?”

Kal drew back, and the moment ended, the cold rushing over me. I shook myself awake as he held my shoulders and tried to hold my gaze. I couldn’t look at him and fall under that spell again.

“We never talked,” I blurted out.

“I know,” Kal said and let me go. He tugged at the bag, then frowned and peered inside. “There’s nothing in here. What are we supposed to eat?”

“We?” I asked and flinched at the skeptical note in my voice. Too harsh. I knew Kal had been dealing with a serious matter, something about corrupted shifters, and here I was acting like a child.

A small smile flashed across his mouth. “Yeah. We never had dinner, never got to talk.” He blew out a sigh. “The guys always talk about how ‘Winfyre has the worst timing,’ but I didn’t know what they meant until now.” He led me down another aisle, and I noticed several heads swiveling in our direction. “Did you have anything in mind, or were you just going to wander around until inspiration struck?”

Something about the question, as innocent as it was, caused an uncomfortable knot to lodge in my gut. Suddenly, I hated all this subterfuge. The lies. Everyone around us was whispering and delighted by the happy couple reunited. And while Kal had never said anything about acting more like a mate, he was playing that part pretty damn well now.

He kept making conversation, his arm around me, and I found myself rearing back. Maybe under the wanting, I’d been relieved we hadn’t talked. I hadn’t had to resurrect my ghosts.

Of all the relationships I could have had, I’d always preferred them one-sided. Deep down, I knew if Kal opened up, he would expect—no, demand—reciprocation. I’d have to be vulnerable. I wanted it, and yet I didn't. My soul seemed to split down the middle. Fears and hopes were tearing me apart.

Shaking my head, I realized my breathing was getting shallow, and my limbs were numb. Tiredness and anxiety prickled through me, along with a tumult of emotions bubbling underneath.

Until this moment, too, I’d been too annoyed with Kal for taking off to deal with that tumult. Missing and worrying about him. I couldn’t deny my immense relief or the weakness in my knees when I’d heard his voice. Yet I was also furious with myself for wanting to give in and take comfort in his presence alone. To want to lean on him. And underneath that, still, was a swamping loneliness. One that clawed at my chest and tried to burst out. That sense of moving through life unseen and unwanted, trying so hard and…

It was too much.

“Iris?”

We’d stopped, and I’d barely noticed it. Not when I was about to lose it in a public place. What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I do a damn job, and that was it?

I sensed Kal looking me over, and I went to walk away, to pretend to go do something somewhere else so I could get myself together. But a gentle tug on my sweater stopped me. Then a big hand slid around the back of my neck, and a thumb tilted my face up. There was concern in those gray eyes, and a slight furrow to his brow. I tried to turn away, but I was no match for the strength in his hand, the pointed pressure of his thumb.

“You’ve been working too hard,” he said. I shrugged and dropped my eyes, biting my lip. The sensation of his rough fingers on my neck was too much. “We can’t have that. We need you.”

I couldn’t help it—a soft, disbelieving laugh escaped me. Kal’s thumb slipped and pressed into the pad of muscle between my neck and shoulder. He stepped closer, his other hand on top of my head, and he pressed my face into his chest. Without even realizing what I was doing, I grabbed his jacket and sagged a little, inhaling him.

"You're tense as hell," he muttered, and his thumb began to work in small circles. "And you're exhausted. I knew it because you didn't tell me off for taking off on you again." I froze, and Kal let out a small laugh. “Don’t tense up more, Iris—you’ll hurt yourself.”

“I’m-I’m trying,” I got out. He suddenly relaxed a bit under my grip, as though he’d also been holding in tension, and patted my head. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “I got stuck.”

“Okay.”

“Like really stuck,” I muttered. “I can’t get past this one page, and I know you guys need it—”

“Sounds like you need a break. Maybe go for a hike or run up some mountains, hit the weights in the basement, or the bag. Or me.”

I pulled back at that and looked up at him in surprise, hands going flat on his chest. The bubble of pressure in my chest began to ease up, and my emotions settled. Kal was being funny.

“Are you suggesting I take a break by working out and possibly hitting you?” I asked.

“Might be cathartic,” Kal said with one of his half-smiles. “Know I deserve it.”

“How is that a break?” I asked, the ache in my chest lessening, and a small smile breaking across my face. “A break is a good book or a bubble bath.”

"A break is gloves, a punching bag, and some barbells."

“Usually a break doesn’t require a lot of movement or more work, Kal.”

“Hey, I take naps,” Kal said. “Sometimes.”

“Someone needs to teach you how to relax.”

“You offerin’?”

My breath caught, and the weight lifted from my chest in a sudden rush. “No. You’re hopeless.” Kal let out a bark of laughter. "And you can't sweet talk your way out of a talk." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Wait, were you told to take a break, too? Is that why you're here?"

He tugged on my curls. “There she is.”

“I missed you, too,” I retorted.

Kal’s eyes widened, pupils dilating, and he pulled in a sharp breath that expanded his chest under my hands. The sudden softness in his face made him look years younger, and his hand at my neck suddenly slid up, tangling in my curls. The other found my closest hand and wrapped around it, tight and unrelenting. I thought I felt his heart speed up, and his head dipped an inch—

“Kallen?”

Kal swung around, looking as though someone had slapped him awake. His hand left my hair, but the other squeezed my fingers more tightly. “Mom?”

I peered around him to see a sweet-faced woman with graying blonde hair and gray eyes like Kal’s staring at us. It was hard to say who sounded more surprised. Although when she met my eyes, I could tell she realized she’d interrupted something and wished she hadn’t.

“Hello, there,” she said and smiled at Kallen. There was something of his quiet strength in her face and movements as she came forward. “I was so surprised, I didn’t even…forgive me, I didn’t know you were back, my son.” She reached out a hand and patted his face, only coming up to his shoulder. She was shorter than I was. “And you must be Iris.”

I nodded, utterly overcome by nerves, and Kal glanced back at me, then let out a chuckle. “Yes, this is Iris. She’s not herself today, though. Been working too hard.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” I blustered and came forward, sticking out my hand. I hoped my eyes weren’t as red as my face. “Hello, it’s so nice to meet you. Iris Lisay.”

She took my hand in both of hers, radiant, as she said, “Lily Deacon-Moore. My dear, dear, Iris, I hope you don’t think terribly of me for not calling on you before.”

“Oh no,” I said. “I know, um…” I glanced at Kal. “Please don’t worry about it.”

Kal’s hand squeezed mine as he said, “That was my fault. It’s nice of both of you not to mention it, though.” Lily swatted her son. “Hey, I was going to stop by later.”

“Dinner tomorrow, six p.m. sharp,” Lily said and gave him a stern look. “Bring Iris.”

“All right,” I said and glanced at Kal, who sighed and nodded. But there was a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Should we bring anything?”

Lily shook her head. “No—thank you for asking, though.” She glanced down at her watch. “I wish I could stay longer, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Kal’s mother walked off and left the two of us alone. He suddenly let out a chuckle, and, when I looked up at him, he had a hand over his face, and his shoulders were shaking. Before I could react, he let go of my hand and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“I can’t take you anywhere,” he muttered.

“Hey, I was here first,” I said, and he squeezed my shoulders.

“You know what I mean,” he replied.

“Hmph,” I muttered and folded my arms, trying not to think about what had just happened in the market, or the fact that we’d almost been caught by his mother, or that I was meeting his entire family tomorrow night. My head was spinning at the moment.

Kal, however, kept me steady. Until, casually, he leaned down and murmured in my ear, “Missed you, too.” Then he let me go and growled, “Now let’s get this done already, blondie.”

Now it wasn’t just my head that was spinning as I watched him stride away, before glancing back and scowling at me. When he jerked his head, looking impatient, I smiled and walked over.

“You’re still not off the hook, by the way,” I said, taking the bag back and continuing to walk. “I’m going to remember that offer to take a swing at you.”

This time, I looked back over my shoulder, and Kal smiled.

An irresistible, heartrending smile, that I somehow knew was just for me. One I'd never forget.