Chapter Twenty-Seven

Iris

“Charlotte, Fallon, Nan is looking for you two.”

I turned to see Lily coming into the kitchen, where I’d been talking with Laia and Fallon. Kal’s little sister Charlotte was shyly listening in and occasionally tugging on her cousin’s hand. She was demure and pretty, with Lily’s fine bone structure. I’d been touched to see how much she loved Kal, climbing up on her brother and hugging him with zero fear. It couldn’t be easy having siblings so much younger than you, and yet Kal was a great older brother.

Fallon took Charlotte by the hand, leading her in. Laia squeezed my arm as she passed by. Rett was calling for her, as were Luna's wails.

“Terrible fours, not twos,” Laia groaned as she vanished, too.

That left me alone with Kal’s mother, and a bubble of anxiety grew in my gut. I loved Kal’s reserved, soft-spoken mother, with her kind eyes and elegant movements. She was checking on something in the oven and peered up at me, hovering nervously on the other side of the island.

“Do you need something?”

“No, thank you. Do you need help or anything?” I asked and smoothed my sweating palms across my dress. Lily straightened and shook her head, smiling. “Okay.”

“Everything is done,” Lily explained, closing the oven door and coming over. “Checking to make sure it’s getting well done. We’ll have dinner soon.” She glanced at the living room, which was noisy and warm. “I hope we’re not overwhelming you.”

“Not at all,” I said. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a big family.” Lily’s eyes went wide, and I mentally cursed myself for saying something like that. “I mean…”

Before I could try to salvage it, Lily leaned in and nodded. "It's always interesting. Sometimes a bit intense. But the Deacons are a different kind of clan. Sometimes I forget that I married in." Her eyes got a little distant. "I came from a pretty small family, so it was jarring at first. Everyone is so invested and curious—so many relatives to keep track of.

“But Ellie became my best friend, my sister. I couldn’t have raised Kal or Corinna without them. Charlotte, either, even though I have David now. They were so accepting of him.”

“He’s so nice,” I said, thinking of the earnest and bespectacled man who’d shaken my hand with vigor earlier. “Kal was right.”

“Kal?” Lily asked.

“Oh, he was just saying how David was a good guy and made you really happy, that he was a good dad and stuff.” Lily was gazing at me, and I wondered if I’d rattled some family skeleton inadvertently. Nice, Iris. “Um, I know Kal wasn’t around much, but…”

“Kal said all that?” Lily said and touched her cheek. “Honestly, I thought…” She searched my face and took my hands. “You don’t have to answer this, but has he talked about his dad?”

“Yeah,” I said, a little puzzled. “Not a lot, but I mean, the other day he got up to see the snow and woke me up, so I went with him, and he told me…” Lily’s eyes were bright, and she let go of one of my hands to dab at her eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she said and crushed me against her. “You have no idea—I’m sorry I’m tearing up, but I’m just so happy. My son, he works so hard and always looks out for everyone else. For a while, he even looked out for me.” She stepped back and squeezed my shoulders. “It’s not easy for him to let people in, and yet here you are.”

Yes, here I am—the biggest fraud, who shouldn’t be accepting your hugs, I thought. And even more pathetically, I wanted another. It had been so long since I’d had a nice, motherly hug.

“Oh, I worried that stubborn streak of his would always win out over his heart,” Lily said. “Especially after the Rift and…” She caught herself. “Well, Ellie and I thought, when Luke and Reagan got together, that might change Kal’s mind, because you have no idea, but Luke was almost as bad as Kal, although still a bit of a flirt. Then Rett and Laia…but Kal seemed more determined than ever. To be honest, I’d put it out of my mind.”

I wasn’t following her and tentatively asked, even though I had a feeling I might regret it, “What was Kal being stubborn about this time?”

“Oh, well, mates,” Lily said, and I nodded, smiling. “I think it was because of something that happened to Tristan, or maybe just Kal being stubborn. But a few years ago, his Nan asked when he was going to find his mate—she’s a bit outspoken—and Kal scoffed about it. Said even if he met his mate, he wouldn’t pursue her, and he’d push her away, all this horrible nonsense. We tried to persuade him otherwise, but it made him upset, you know. He says Winfyre has to come first…” Kal’s mother blinked. “Listen to me, rambling on. Oh, Iris, are you okay? You look a bit flushed.”

“I think I need some fresh air,” I said through numb lips.

“Oh, here, sit—” There was a crash from the other room and a shriek, then someone calling for Lily. “Oh lord, what now? Here, I’ll be right back.”

Left alone, I stumbled to the side door and around the porch to the other side of the house. Hugging myself as the cold wind ripped around me, I barely felt it. Every nerve was focused on my heart, blistering as I replayed Lily’s words. A hysterical urge was rising in me, and half-formed questions swirled through my mind.

Yet at the same time, I didn't want to think about it too much. I didn't want to wonder if that were still true, what it could mean if it were, and other, heartbreaking what ifs…

That isn’t fair. How could someone simply decide not to be a mate if you had a mate?

Then, darker questions. What would lead someone to decide that? I’d seen the flicker in Lily’s eyes when she talked about post-Rift Winfyre. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a cryptic allusion to it, and I suddenly wondered if it had to do with Beylore’s mate. Or husband. Hadn’t Beylore said that he’d been good friends with Kal? Yet Kal had never mentioned him…

I was going to drive myself crazy wondering about this. And, worse, it wasn’t my business. I was helping them out and here to translate Orion’s book. Poor Kal was trying to be friendly and nice, too. He didn’t need me digging into his past.

Or reading into things his mother says.

Or what he says.

Fresh guilt hit me from that moment in the bathroom earlier. Kal had been kidding around, and I’d taken it too seriously. That wave of hot, molten want had formed into a knot of panic as he’d tried to make me laugh, and I’d frozen up instead.

I guess I can’t be Kal’s mate, though, because he’s not pushing me away anymore.

The thought was a sharp, nasty dagger through my heart, and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. I had to keep it together tonight. I had to get a lock on my feelings.

“I’m starting to think you get your kicks freezing your ass off, Lisay.”

Kal’s deep voice jolted me, and I hastily rearranged my face into a smile, swiping a thumb under each eye in case any tears had escaped. Although I supposed I could blame them on the wind.

“You feelin’ okay?” He leaned his back against the railing and looked over at me as I nodded. “Deacons wearing you out?”

“No, I think I was a bit hot,” I lied. “This dress is thicker than it looks.”

“You don’t have to fib your way out,” Kal said, laughing and tilting his head back. He inhaled the air and closed his eyes. “It is a nice night.”

A laugh escaped me. “Only you would say that.”

“Seriously, honeycomb,” Kal said and turned his body to face me, a hand reaching out for my shoulder. “You don’t have to worry about needing a break. I needed one, too.”

“Maybe just a short one,” I said weakly, and Kal grinned.

I thought my heart stopped. Then, my treacherous body leaned into him as I turned to face him, and my fingers found purchase in his soft sweater. He looked so happy and at ease right now, the kind of handsome that made your brain sag. And beyond sexy, thanks to Corinna's infallible eye. His gray sweater matched his eyes and set off his ice-blond hair. Plus, it was tight in all the right places, showing off those rock-hard muscles and planes of chest, arms, and abs. Never mind those jeans that hugged his muscular thighs and ass.

I swallowed as he looked at me, a goddamn lost god of the winter night. Then my breath caught in my chest as Kal pulled me into a tight embrace. Tentatively, I put my arms around his waist, and Kal squeezed me more tightly.

“Thank you for this, Iris,” he said. “I won’t ever forget it.”

Tears pricked my eyes in gratitude. With my family gone, it had been a long time since someone had hugged me. Two in one night, too.

“Damn, I’m lucky,” I murmured.

Kal let out a strange laugh. “Why’s that?”

“Your mom gave me a nice hug earlier, and now I get another.” I sighed. “You guys are so nice, I don’t deserve it.”

“No, you deserve more,” Kal growled, and his fingers curled into me.

“I won’t say no to more hugs,” I said lightly and went to pull away.

"Not what I meant, Iris." His voice was low and soothing, reminding me of how he'd been on the way here. I'd thought my heart would seize and wither. But now, after what his mother had said, it was like my heart was being crushed in steel fingers. “I guess we are alike.”

“Kal!” Rett’s amiable shout echoed through the night, and we broke apart. He came around the corner as Kal put an arm around my shoulders and led me forward. “Out here canoodling?”

Kal said nothing, and when I glanced at him, he’d merely raised an eyebrow at Rett.

The big, dark-haired man suddenly looked abashed and hunched his shoulders. “Ah, never mind. Dinner’s ready. Come on.”

Five minutes later, we were seated around the table, conversation and plates flying around. Kal and I were seated together towards one end, near his Nan. She asked him a lot of questions about Winfyre and people whose names I didn’t recognize. Kal answered easily and concisely, sometimes adding a dry comment that made her laugh.

Because of the number of Deacons—maybe twenty or thirty in all, it was hard to tell—our chairs were on top of each other. My thigh was pressing into Kal’s, and at one point, his arm went across the back of my chair. Almost absent-mindedly, he began to rub the back of my arm, and I found myself leaning closer until my side was against his.

My hand went to his knee to brace myself, and when I looked up at him, he shot me a small wink. It was a good thing I wasn’t eating or drinking anything because I would have choked to death right there. As it was, it took me almost ten minutes to compose myself.

To all appearances, we were perfect mates.

Yet no matter how much I wished that might be true, I knew I didn’t belong there. No amount of wishing would make the Deacons, or Kal, mine.