Chapter Ten
Tabitha
I’M COMPLETELY NUMB. I’M BANDAGED, I’m sore, and I’m not sure what I should be feeling from one moment to the next. I’m an emotional train wreck.
This can’t actually be happening! What am I supposed to do now?
The church is packed with everyone wanting to pay their respects. Mathew was well loved by everyone. He was Monroe’s golden boy. It’s not just my loss, but instead, the loss of the entire town. We were once the town’s real life fairy tale, but now we’ve become their worst tragedy.
People approach me, but I can’t tell what they are saying. I haven’t even accepted the fact that my whole world just ended. I am completely alone now. Everything we had planned for our future is gone, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I feel selfish, as I feel sorry for myself. Phil lost his only son, and Mathew lost his whole freaking life. He will never go to college, get married, or meet his child. He didn’t even get to attend his own funeral.
The bodies were so badly burned that no remains could be identified. We are burying an empty casket today and placing it under a headstone bearing Mathew’s name. I feel cheated. Like someone stole everything from me, from us. I’m nothing but an empty, broken shell. I didn’t even get to see him one last time before we are all forced to say goodbye.
My parents had already left on their cruise when the news about Mathew came. They don’t even know that Mathew is gone. I didn’t have any way to tell them. They are going to hate that they missed being here for me, and for Phil. My heart breaks double for him. Mathew was his entire world.
I still hoped it was a mistake. That Mathew would show up, wearing his beautiful smile, telling us they had it all wrong. I want my perfect life back. I want to wake to find this was all just one big, horrible nightmare. But it’s not. Mathew is gone. His body is missing and unidentifiable. His future has completely wasted away. I know my parents will forgive me when they find out they missed the funeral, but I also know they will be hit hard by this tremendous loss. Mathew’s death affects all of us.
I’m sitting in the front pew, next to Phil, facing the large empty oak coffin. It’s closed because he’s not in there, but the effect is still the same as if he were. It still feels like a large weight is pressing against my chest. I might suffocate before this day is over. Tears are falling down my face. I was wiping them away as they came, but eventually I gave up, so now they’re pouring freely past my chin. Phil squeezes my hand, trying to console me as tears also run down his face.
We haven’t left each other’s sides once since he received the call. When I fell back on the table, a piece of glass pierced me in the side, and the backs of my arms and legs. Nothing vital was hit. Despite all the blood and me fainting, it was all superficial cuts and bruising. The baby was never in danger. Phil rushed me to the hospital and has taken care of me ever since. We’ve kept each other going forward as we planned today.
Mathew’s mom, Janet, wails loudly with her body flung over at the coffin. She’s so loud that everyone is watching with pitying looks in their eyes. She doesn’t care, as well as she shouldn’t. Her son just died.
Her new husband walks up, takes her by the elbow, and gently leads her toward a seat. She steps down off the platform and looks at me sitting next to Phil. She spots our joined hands and sees us consoling each other, and fury takes over all of her features.
“You!” she screeches as she stomps toward me. “This is all your fault, you little bitch.” She jabs her finger into my face.
Her husband looks beside himself. He doesn’t seem sure about how to handle this situation. I stand up, dropping Phil’s hand. I face her, but I don’t speak. I don’t want to disrespect Mathew’s mother at her own son’s funeral. She takes this as a challenge, and the next thing I know, she reaches out and yanks me forward by my hair. She grips my hair tightly and slings me to the ground. She releases my hair, but a large chunk remains in her grasp.
Pain burns in my scalp, as everywhere else aches when I hit the ground. Phil rushes forward to pick me up off the ground and leads me over to sit down in the pew.
“Are you okay?” he whispers as he checks me over. I nod that I am, and he twists around toward his ex-wife. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he shouts. “She’s pregnant with your goddamned grandchild!”
The news that she’s about to be a grandma doesn’t seem to affect her. She doesn’t even look at me. She levels Phil with an angry glare as she points at me. “Please, that’s probably not even his kid. How could it be? He’s been gone since August. She’s not even showing!”
I try to remind myself that she’s just hurting, but the accusation still slices through me. She’s known me since Mathew and I met in preschool.
“It’s his all right. You know better than to assume anything different.” Phil is shaking. He’s angry at her stab at my expense. My heart warms slightly at his protectiveness.
“My baby never would have joined the god-forsaken Army if it weren’t for that little slut!” she snarls.
Having had enough, Phil straightens his back and takes one step closer toward Janet. “Listen here, woman, you will not ruin this day, and you will not disrespect the girl your son loved. You will not lay a hand on her, because if anything happens to her, or my grandchild. You. Will. Be. Sorry.” He steps forward, and it causes her to back into her husband’s front. He holds her up, so she doesn’t trip. “In fact,” Phil continues, “you will not even speak to Tabby again, unless it’s to apologize. Do you understand me?”
Janet glares daggers at him but reluctantly nods in compliance.
Phil looks over at her husband, who has been mute this entire time. “Do you have something to say?”
The guy shakes his head. “Nope.” He leads Janet off to the end of the front pew to create distance between us all.
She doesn’t approach me for the rest of the day, but she does shoot nasty looks in our direction every so often. I tried not to take everything too personal, because I knew they weren’t true, but pregnancy hormones mixed with my grief over our loss made it almost impossible.
Janet has never really played a big part in Mathew’s life. She left shortly after Mathew and I started fifth grade, and she moved several states away. She’s remarried a few times, but nothing ever stuck. She would pop in and out of Mathew’s life randomly, but he’d washed his hands of her by the end of ninth grade when she’d tried moving him away from Monroe. I knew she blamed me for it, and I knew she was riddled with guilt over abandoning Mathew all those years ago. I shouldn’t be surprised at her reaction to seeing me.
After the service, Phil comes over, takes my arm, and leads me toward the exit. We step outside and into the limo that will take us to the cemetery plot where we will bury the empty casket filled with mementos added by all the people who loved Mathew. I added a copy of our prom picture and a yellow onesie. Phil added one of his football jerseys.
We get to the cemetery and all gather around the plot. Mathew’s parents and I sit in the chairs in front of the casket, and everyone stands behind us. Phil’s cousin, Maryann, sings “Amazing Grace,” and the minister reads from the Bible. The flag is folded and presented to Mathew’s mom. Guns are shot off in sequence, then the coffin is lowered into the ground. Mathew’s mom, stepdad, Phil, and I each drop a handful of dirt on top of it and stand off to the side so everyone can each drop a flower. Phil and I hold on to each other while we sob quietly. We say our last and final goodbyes, then we head back to Sherriff Kane’s house for the reception. Phil’s house wasn’t big enough to accommodate everyone, so the Kanes offered up their house for the occasion.
Monroe is a small community, so when one person in our community needs something, everyone lines up to pitch in and help. I always imagined that Mathew and I would end up back here in Monroe. This would have been where we raised our family and grew into one of those adorable wrinkly old couples. That wouldn’t happen now. I am not sure I could settle down here without him. It would hurt too much to constantly be reminded of the life I was never able to have with the love I would never be able to forget.
I’m standing at a collage of photos that represent Mathew’s life. I am in every single one of these pictures. We knew each other our entire lives. A shudder rips through my body, so I wrap my arms tightly around myself. Tears I should no longer be able to produce start pouring uncontrollably, and a dam of emotions bursts wide-open. I hyperventilate for probably the millionth time since I found out that Mathew was gone. I tried holding it in for as long as I possibly could, but it’s out of my control. I’m about to take off to find someplace I can hide, when someone grabs my arm. I find myself being turned around and wrapped up inside a muscular embrace. Beth’s older brother, Brandon, smashes me against his rock-solid chest, and I don’t fight it because this is exactly what I need. I soak his uniform with my tears, unashamed that my mascara will probably be a pain for him to get out later. I don’t even care, and he doesn’t seem to care either. He holds me up when my body shakes and my legs give out.
“Just cry, Tabby. No one here will tell you you can’t,” Brandon whispers into my hair. “And if they do, they’ll have me to answer to.” He kisses the top of my head and rubs large circles across my back with his strong hands. He doesn’t say any more, leaving me to whimper and sob all over him. He protects me the best he can in this single moment. He’s the big brother I never actually had and never knew I wanted. Until now.
I remain in Brandon’s arms until I can’t handle being downstairs around people any longer. I gather my bearings and pull from his arms. I give him an appreciative smile, thank him, and run upstairs toward Beth’s room. I see Beth lying on her bed, and I climb in to cuddle up next to her. We are both sobbing. She reaches over and strokes my hair. John is standing at the window, staring silently out at the backyard, sipping on a beer he snuck from the refrigerator in the garage. Steve is hunched over in a chair in the corner, staring down at his feet, trying to hide his tears unsuccessfully. No one needs, or necessarily wants, words in this moment. We just need each other. It’s always been just us. We all lost a piece of us today, but our group will always stay together through it all. We grew up a pack, and a pack we will always remain.
An hour later, there’s a knock at the door. Phil pokes his head in the room. “Tabby, can I speak to you for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure.” I climb off the bed and follow him out of the room.
His face is puffy, and his eyes are bloodshot just like the rest of ours. Seeing his strength makes me want to break. He senses my impending meltdown, so he steps forward and quickly wraps me in his arms and hugs me tight against him. He smells like evergreen trees. The scent is soothing. He kisses the top of my head before pulling back and looking right at me. He produces a slight smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. I hate that it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I hope you know you will always be family to me, Tabby,” he starts. “Just because we lost Matt, doesn’t mean we should lose each other.”
I nod in agreement. “I love you too, Phil. I would never not consider you family. You know this.”
“Promise me you will always come back and spend time with this old man.”
“Absolutely!” I wrap my arms around him, trying to bring him in as close as possible. “You’re my baby’s grandpapa. You’re stuck with me for life.”
“Promise?” he mumbles into the top of my head.
“Always! I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I promise him.