Chapter Thirty-Three
Tabitha
Two months later
I WALK INTO MY PARENTS’ house. I’m exhausted from another long week. We have two more weeks until it’s officially summer break. I think I’m even more excited than my students are. I chose not to teach summer school this year, and I’m planning to take Mattie and Logan to the cabin in the mountains that Brandon found a year after we got married. It’ll be the perfect place to spend time with the kids and to just get away from Monroe for a little bit.
It took me a couple weeks to get over the shock of finding out that all my friends knew Mathew was alive all these years. When I took the time to talk to them all, they explained how, and when, they found out. I can admit that timing was everything. I was already married to Brandon, and I was completely in love with him at that point. I still loved Mathew just as much, but thinking he was dead helped me move on enough to find happiness again. I’m honestly not sure I would have been able to choose between Brandon and Mathew. I can see that they were all protecting me, and probably Brandon and Mathew more, from having to face that type of decision. It doesn’t mean they had the right to make that decision for me, but I’m a little grateful they did. It made the betrayal sting a lot less.
I walk into the kitchen of my childhood home to catch my mom letting Logan lick cookie batter from a spoon. “Mom! He’s never going to get to bed tonight if you give him sugar this late in the day.” I reach to take the spoon away, but my mom intercepts.
“A little sugar will be fine. Besides, I wanted to talk to you about letting the kids stay for the weekend. Your father and I want to take them camping.”
“When did this plan hatch? You didn’t mention camping before,” I ask.
“Your father was tinkering in the garage and found his old tackle box. It inspired him.”
That sounds like my dad. “I guess I could run home and quickly pack up their things.” I agree to let them go. “Where’s Mattie?”
“Oh, Mathew dropped her off forty-five minutes ago, and then she left again with your father to gather supplies just in case you agreed to let us take them. They should be back any minute now.”
After I’d forgiven my friends, I agreed to let Mathew meet his daughter. After explaining to her that just because Mathew didn’t actually die before she was born, it didn’t mean that Brandon wasn’t her daddy anymore. We discussed that it was okay to love them both exactly the same, and that nobody was ever replacing anybody else. Mattie took it all really well, and even warmed up to Mathew almost immediately.
Logan asked if he could have two daddies too. I didn’t have the heart to tell my five-year-old that it didn’t work out that way, so I let Mathew answer for me. I’m a coward. I know. But Mathew said he would love to be his daddy too. It was a mixture of things. It was awkward but heartwarming. I wasn’t sure how I felt, or how to respond.
I’ve kept it civil. Mathew and I have seen each other around the kids, and I let him pick Mattie up from school, so he can spend the afternoons with her. We haven’t talked again about his death, or where he’s been the past ten years. I’m afraid to dig up the feelings I still have for him. I never stopped loving him, but I am heartbroken over losing Brandon. I’m pretty sure Brandon would want me to move on and find happiness again, but it feels disloyal. I’m basically feeling everything I felt over Mathew, when I decided to fall for Brandon. It’s a little bizarre, like the tables keep turning everything upside down.
I wait until my dad returns with Mattie before I head home. I wanted to make sure I gave everyone a kiss before they left. It’s a habit I use to cope. You never know when it’s the last time you see someone, so I make sure to make each moment count.
I pull up to my house to find Mathew sitting on my front porch, looking absolutely amazing in tight jeans, a button-up blue flannel shirt, and work boots. I hate that he looks this great, when I probably look like I’ve been through the wringer. I repeat, teenagers are exhausting. Even more so when they’re somebody else’s teenagers.
He spots me right away, so I have zero time to fix myself in the rearview mirror. I climb out of my car, trying to not let my appearance bother me, even though it does.
“I see you’ve recruited my parents now,” I state in place of a greeting when I make my way up to him.
“I was hoping we could talk.” He takes my bags and carries them for me as we walk up toward the front door.
“I guess I don’t have much of a choice, since you made sure I didn’t have anything else going on,” I bite back. I’m not mad, or even annoyed, I’m just stubborn and don’t want him to keep thinking it’s okay to corner me every time he needs my attention.
We walk inside, he sets my bags on the floor by the couch, and we sit down next to each other. I’ve been avoiding this moment for two months. I might as well get it over with. It was bound to be time sooner rather than later.
Mathew and I sit in silence for a second, when he clears his throat to speak. “I know I can’t replace Brandon,” he begins. “I wouldn’t dare try, but I’d love to be a part of your life.”
“You are a part of my life. Mattie ties us together.”
He grabs my hand. “I love you, Tabby. I never stopped. It was always going to be you, or nobody at all. I was willing to walk away when I thought you had Brandon. But now I couldn’t walk away even if I tried.”
Tears fall down my face. I hate that I’m already getting overly emotional. He’s saying all the things my head needs to hear, so it can let my heart understand what it feels.
I love Brandon, and I still love Mathew. I do not love one more than the other. I know you’re only supposed to love one person in the forever sort of way, but I guess I’m just not built that way. I love them both equally, and there’s nothing standing in the way that makes that a bad thing. I’ve decided what both my head and my heart want, when he speaks again.
“I understand you’ve already been through so much. I know I’m not really being fair, but I need you back, Tabby. Even if it means we can only be friends.”
I shake my head. “That wouldn’t work.” I watch as disappointment crosses his face, so I continue on to stop him from coming to the wrong conclusion. “The truth is, I never stopped loving you, Mathew. Agreeing to just be friends would be excruciating.”
He looks confused. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that you better ask me out for real, before I totally freak out and decide this is a mistake.”
In the next moment I squeal in surprise when he grabs me by the hips, pulls me into his lap, and his mouth crashes down on mine.
I’m falling and melting into his embrace. I don’t ever want to leave his arms again. He pulls me out of my head with his kiss, to the point where I’m completely brainless. I pull away from the kiss and bring my hands down to where my dress has ridden up my thighs. I grab the bunched up fabric and slowly pull it up over my head, throwing it to the floor. I’m straddling his lap, facing him in nothing but my bra, panties, and heels. The heated look in his eyes convinces me this was the best decision. I’m not even embarrassed that my bra and panties are two completely different colors. The way his eyes are drinking me in, I don’t think he even notices. I reach back to knock my heels to the floor, then rub myself across his bulging zipper. I run my fingers through his hair and pull his mouth back up to mine as I grind into his lap. We groan simultaneously. With his lips pressed against mine and his large fingers digging into my hips, I can’t help but feel like I’m finally home.
His hand reaches behind my back, and with a magical flick of his wrist, my bra falls off my shoulders and down between our bodies. I grab the straps, slide them the rest of the way off my arms, and toss it over my shoulder where it joins my discarded dress on the floor. He leans back to take me in, and I shudder as his eyes rake down my body. His perusal is agonizingly slow. It causes goose bumps to skim across the surface of my skin. He puts me out of my misery when he lowers his head and takes one of my nipples into his wet, hot mouth and begins to suck and flick with his tongue. I whimper when his tongue swirls around the sensitive bud before he pulls it between his teeth and bites down enough to cause an intoxicating little sting that lights my entire body on fire. He reaches up with his other hand and begins to roll the other nipple between his fingers. I’m so hot and needy that I guarantee he can feel it through our clothing.
He releases my breast with a wet pop. I slide onto the floor between his spread legs and immediately begin working his zipper free without breaking eye contact. At the same time, he reaches behind his neck and pulls his shirt off over his head. I reach in to release him from his pants and have his hardness in my hand for less than a minute before he stands up.
“Not here.” He groans out huskily, as he scoops me up into his arms and carries me back to the bedroom. It’s really convenient that he knows the layout of this house, but it’s really inconvenient that that is the thought crossing through my mind as Mathew is carrying me down the hallway toward my room. He lays me down on the bed and resumes our kiss from the living room. He kisses down my neck, and I shudder again as his lips move across my skin. I revel in the way his scruff rubs my skin raw.
I use my feet to push his pants and boxers down his hips. I take a moment to look him over. He’s just as beautiful as he was when we were teens, if not more so. He’s covered in scars, but they only make him more beautiful—hard evidence that he is a survivor. His body tells a story that I want to spend hours reading.
An embarrassingly needy moan escapes my lips when I feel his hard shaft rub against my slit. “Mathew, I need you inside me. I can’t wait any longer,” I plead. He rewards me with an intoxicating grin and a hunger in his eyes that matches my own.
Mathew presses his tip to my swollen center and slowly pushes in. We both let out a sigh when he buries himself all the way inside me. It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so I have to stretch to accommodate his full thickness, but the second I do, he moves in and out, picking up speed quickly. He doesn’t take it easy on me, and it’s exactly the way we both need it. We’re frantic and needy, trying to climb inside of each other. Wet kisses and bodies covered in sweat, we hit our release almost simultaneously. He pulls out of me and rolls over onto his back beside me on the bed. We lie side by side, staring up at the ceiling, trying to catch our breaths. Emotions flood over me at the intensity of what just happened. Mathew senses the panic attempting to overtake me and wraps me in his arms. He brings his lips to mine in a consuming kiss that immediately erases my fears. The kiss builds into more, and we spend the rest of the night done with words and making love until we both fall asleep.