Chapter 24 - Ellie
This is torture. I can’t take it anymore. He’s close enough to touch and I can’t even risk looking at him for too long. It’s like they’ve carefully crafted this dinner to make us as uncomfortable as possible. I want to scream and cry and melt all at once. I can almost smell him from here and it’s driving me wild. How can one man smell so good?!
I love the way he moves, he’s always strong and confident. He’s answering all the questions with ease and a part of me is jealous of how well he is handling himself. He’s always been a showman, even as a kid. He’d be the centre of attention wherever he went and I was just little Ellie Walters. All these years later and here I am, sitting quietly. Seen, not heard.
“Mister Derek, you should write a song about your time in North Korea,” Kim Jong-un says with a half-menacing smile.
“I definitely will, Supreme Leader,” he replies. Derek flicks his eyes at me and I almost burst out laughing. “Your country is so… unique.”
“And Miss Walters, you will be able to write about all the guests that visit our great country. No other country is better than ours.”
I clear my throat and nod. “Of course. It’s an honour to meet such a star.”
I can’t help the sarcasm in my voice and I see the edge of Derek’s lips quiver. The movement makes my heart jump and I hate how happy I am to see him.
He shouldn’t have come! He’s in just as much danger as I am now! And for what?
They’re parading me in front of him, and parading him in front of me. It’s like they’re saying “look what we can do!” It’s infuriating. I steal a glance towards him and watch as he runs his fingers through his hair in that familiar, smooth motion. I wish they were my fingers, and his head was buried against my chest, arms wrapped around me.
“You wrote a new song,” Kim continues as he forks food into his mouth. “I hadn’t heard it before.”
Derek nods. “The band and I have been writing a new album the past couple weeks. And what better place to debut the songs than in front of the greatest leader in the world.”
The flattery is pouring out of him and it actually sounds like he’s genuine. He glances at me quickly and then back at his plate.
I know that song was about me. I could feel it humming in my core. He wrote a song for me, he came to freaking North Korea for me, and now I have to sit across from him and pretend I don’t know him.
I’ve never cared about anyone else as much as I care about him. It’s probably why my engagement fell apart, why I wanted to run away, why nothing ever felt right in my life.
It still doesn’t feel right, because I’m not in his arms. I take a deep breath and let the realisation set in. I’ve always loved him. I never stopped, not for one second. As I sit there across from him, close enough to touch but with all of North Korea between us I know that we were meant to be together ever since we were kids.
I’m his, and he’s mine. He came here for me.
My chest feels like it’s being cleaved in two. I can’t take the stress of it, the stress of knowing that as soon as this dinner is over, he could just stand up and be whisked away from me forever. I’d be left stranded here for the rest of my days.
I can’t let that happen.
I’m sick of being in the dark, of being led around like a lost puppy. I feel the blood pumping in my veins as the frustration and fear and paranoia and panic swell inside me. This isn’t right! My breath starts getting shallower, and faster. I glance around the table, around the room. I need to get out of here.
We need to get out of here.
Just as the thought crosses my mind, a door in the far corner opens and I see a familiar figure gliding silently towards the table. Her face becomes clearer as she shuffles closer to us, followed closely by an armed guard.
Jang-mi.
I know now is the time. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen, she hasn’t told me anything. She’s hardly spoken more than a half-dozen words to me in the past three weeks! I’ve never seen her anywhere except in my room and now she’s here, in the Great Hall of the Supreme Leader’s palace. Her eyes find mine and she dips her chin down ever so slightly.
What does she want from me? Why didn’t she tell me before! What am I supposed to do!
The panic starts rising inside me. She’s moving towards me, no one seems to have noticed her except me. I glance around the room, looking for a hint, a sign, anything! The blood thickens in my veins and I feel like my limbs are made of lead. I bring my hand up to my head and brace myself on the table. A low moan escapes my lips and the edges of my vision start going dark.
No! Not now! I need to stay alert! I need to figure out what’s going on!
Just then I hear a loud bang from the direction we came from. It’s followed by what sounds like firecrackers going off. I’m still reeling, I can hardly focus. My eyes drift towards the entrance and slowly I realise that the table is in a commotion. The generals seated next to Kim Jong-un have stood up, and armed guards are rushing out the doors.
The fireworks and firecrackers continue and I frown, observing all the movement around me as if it’s happening to someone else.
Then I realise what’s happening.
They aren’t fireworks or firecrackers. They’re gunshots. The blood drains from my face and I feel my heart drop like a stone. The cold hand of fear grips my spine as my eyes dart around the room. My breath is ragged and I grip the table harder. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up to see Jang-mi. She frowns at me.
“Ok, Miss?”
“No, no,” I say breathlessly. “Not ok.” It’s all I can manage but I see her eyes spark. She nods and helps me out of my chair. I lean against her. I can hardly see. I drag my eyes up to Derek and see the fear in his eyes. His travel partner has stood up as well. One of the old generals says some hurried words to the Supreme Leader. Jang-mi answers. I can hear the strain in her voice.
I have no idea what’s going on. The fear is palpable in the room.
The panic and commotion is getting closer to our room. A loud bang makes me jump. My eyes look for Derek and meet his gaze. We lock eyes and he stands up instinctively. The man he walked in with puts a hand on his arm and Derek looks towards him. I see the man shake his head ever so slightly and Derek bristles.
I feel a pressure against my elbow where Jang-mi’s hand pushes me towards the door. Her footsteps are light and quick while mine drag along the floor. If she lets go of my I don’t know if I’ll be able to stand on my own. I turn one more time and look towards Derek, suddenly worried. The fear has chilled me to the bone and I glance back. I want to tear myself away from her, run to him, jump into his arms, but Jang-mi’s gentle hand on my elbow stops me. Once again, Derek is close enough to touch but I’m being torn away from him.
We get to the door and it opens for us. She guides me through and immediately we turn down another corridor. My heart breaks a million times as we turn the corner and Derek moves out of view. This isn’t right. He should be with us. He should be with me!
“Quickly now, Miss Walters.” She says in a hurried whisper. “Quickly.”