Chapter 11 - Derek
The past few days have been electrifying. The band and I have been writing like crazy, locking ourselves in my basement studio and coming up with track after track. At this rate we’ll have another album written and recorded in a matter of weeks. It feels like the old days, when we were fresh in the industry. We wrap up the song we’re working on and sit down on the studio’s couches together. Jake hands me a beer and I crack it open, taking a long gulp of the cold liquid.
I feel good.
For the first time in months, maybe years, I feel truly good. I’m doing what I came out here to do, and this album feels like it’s going to be something big. I take another sip of beer and sit back.
I pull out my phone and scroll through my news feed, trying to clear my head from the long day of playing and writing and recording. Suddenly a headline jumps out at me
American Journalist Held Hostage in North Korea as Threats of Nuclear War Escalate
My heart skips a beat and the world around me goes silent. All I can hear is a thunderous rushing in my ears. No, no, no, no, no. I click on the news story and wait for the page to load. It seems to take an eternity. I can’t hear anything around me, can’t see anything except the screen, and the little blue wheel that keeps spinning and spinning and spinning.
“Fucking load!” I whisper to my phone, willing the news story to come up. My palms are suddenly sweaty and I can feel all the fibres in my shirt rubbing against my skin. The room is hotter than it was ten seconds ago. Finally the page loads and I read it hungrily. My eyes scan down the screen, looking for her name.
I don’t see her name.
Before relief can wash over me, I see something worse. I see her picture.
They must have gotten that photo from her mother. She looks beautiful, a closeup of her face. She’s smiling or laughing for the camera. Suddenly there’s a ringing in my ears and my breath feels short. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, willing this to be wrong, willing it to be a lie.
“Fuck!” I yell suddenly, no longer able to keep it contained. I throw my beer against the wall and it splashes against it before landing on the floor. Beer seeps out of it where it lands. The guys in the room fall silent and turn towards me.
“What’s going on, Derek,” Jake asks me quietly. I look up at him and see all of them staring. My mouth opens and closes like a fish as I try to get the words out, but they won’t come out. I look from Jake to the beer to the door and back to Jake. I can’t speak.
“Derek, are you ok?”
All I can do is hold out my phone. Jake takes it and I see his brows furrow as he reads the article. The realisation hits him and his expression changes to horror. He glances back at me and all I can do is shake my head.
“It’s her,” I whisper.
“What’s going on?” Our bassist, Nick, calls out.
I look over at him, frowning as he looks at the two of us. Suddenly the reality hits me with full force. She’s over there, being held hostage against her will, maybe being tortured or worse. She’s in danger, and I’m here singing songs.
I’m here, completely powerless. I look from Nick to Jake and feel my heart beating through my chest. I stand up and grab my phone from Jake, finally finding the strength to speak.
“What’s going on is that the woman I’ve been in love with for the past ten years is in fucking NORTH KOREA being held hostage.” I wave the phone in front of me, pointing it at Nick. My voice is shaky at first but by the time I’m done I realise I’m yelling. A strained yell builds up in my chest and erupts through my throat as my hands fly up to my face. My fingers wrap themselves around my hair and I bend in half, feeling a searing pain rip through my abdomen. I scream into the floor, trying to stop the pain from spreading through my body.
I never should have let her walk away from me. I never should have let her leave. I can’t take back what I did in high school but I’m a grown fucking man and I let her walk away from me. I let her walk right out of my life when she was practically in my arms. I could have begged her to stay, begged her to come to LA with me.
I love her.
I’ve always loved her. The words burn themselves onto my brain and I finally admit to myself what I’ve been ignoring all these years.
I love her, and I’ve never loved anyone else.
And now…
I stand up and Jake takes a step towards me. Instinctively, I back away, and then turn around and stalk out the door. I can’t breathe, I need some air. I need to think. I need to fix this.