Chapter 28 - Ellie
Once the adrenaline wears off, the fear sets in. It’s not a gut-wrenching, heart-pounding type of fear. It’s more of a dull ache, a deep sense of unease that never quite goes away. My eyes scan the countryside, back and forth over and over. I’m not sure what I’m looking for or if I’m looking for anything at all.
The silence is overwhelming. The wind sometimes sweeps through the vast expanse of grassland and I close my eyes to feel the breeze on my skin. I can just see the buildings of Pyongyang in the distance behind us as a small hump on the horizon. We must have been walking for hours in that tunnel. Derek leans against me and it feels like the most natural place for me to be.
Maybe it took imprisonment and faced with my own mortality to admit to myself that he’s the one I’ve been missing. It literally took a revolution to bring me to my senses. His body is broad and strong and it feels like home. His arm around my shoulders has a comforting weight to it, and when I inhale his scent envelops me.
Finally I break the silence.
“Jang-mi,” I start. She looks up at me and waits for me to continue. “Why are you helping me? Why aren’t you back in Pyongyang helping the rebels with your cause.”
“We all help in our own way,” she responds simply. “You are innocent in all this, and the danger is great for you. If we succeed in overthrowing the government, your part in this will have been very important.”
“How would I have been important? Just because it brought international attention? How much pressure does that actually put on you?”
“Well,” she says with a wry smile. “It brought us the biggest rock star in the world. And it gave us the distraction we needed to surge against the palace. And this,” she adds, pulling out the small camera memory card.
I take it from her and look at it. We sit quietly for a while. It feels strange to be a pawn, to know that there are forces around Derek and I that we just don’t understand, and that we will likely never understand. I came here thinking I would save the world from a nuclear threat and instead I’ve witnessed one of the most unpredictable rebel coups in the history of the world.
“Well at least I’ll have something to write about, if we ever get out of here.”
Jang-mi doesn’t laugh, she just nods. Lee is the one who replies.
“You must write about it all,” he answers quietly. I look over at him and his eyes are shining bright. “My mother was Korean, and she lived through unimaginable atrocities. You must write about everything you’ve seen.”
I nod, and say nothing. Derek tightens his arm around me and I lean into him. I look up at him and he turns his head, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.
“Why did you come here?” I whisper, searching his face. “It was so stupid and so, so reckless.”
I feel the tears prickling against my eyelids. If anything were to happen to him I’d never forgive myself, but at the same time the fact that he’s here makes my heart swell. He brings comfort and hope to our situation that I’m not sure I’d have had if I were alone.
“When I heard they took you, I..” his voice cracks and he stops talking. His eyes drift out to the horizon and he stares off in the distance. “I broke down. I don’t know what happened, I couldn’t think of anything else. I felt like I’d wasted my life by not being with you. I went crazy. Everyone told me I was losing it but I couldn’t stop. They tried to convince me to help from the States but look at this place! How could anyone do anything from over there? Most people don’t even know what misery the people here are living in.” He inhales and then lets all the air out of his lungs. “I get it, I mean, I had no idea. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Mike helped me get here. I think he saw that it wasn’t any use trying to convince me to give up.”
“Mike is alive?!” The relief floods through me when I hear that.
“They let him go and sent him back to the US. He’s been petitioning the US government and any agency that will listen to get you out of here.”
“The international pressure only made them realise how valuable you are,” Lee says darkly. “I know the Koreans, and they have little use for you except as a political pawn.”
“Well, I’m still a pawn,” I spit back. “Just a pawn for you instead of a pawn for them.”
Lee inclines his head. “We never wanted to cause either of you any harm.”
It’s too confusing. I don’t know who to be mad at, who to be grateful for, where to go, what to say. I sigh and feel my stomach start to churn as I try to understand what I should be doing. Derek squeezes his arm around me and I feel a wave of relief wash over me.
“Derek, I…” I want to tell him those three little words. I want to tell him that it was always him, it always has been. I want to tell him that I can’t go on without him, that he’s saved my life and he’s given me a new purpose. I want to tell him everything under the sun but nothing comes out. My whole body is trembling and all I can do is look at him lamely. He smiles at me and places a soft kiss on my lips. His warmth, his taste, his smell - it’s all perfect. I may be in a foreign country, waiting for the hours and minutes and seconds to pass until we start moving and face the next danger in our path. I may be here in limbo, an ocean away from my hometown but I’ve never felt as much at home as I do right now in his arms.