Chapter 5 - Derek
Ellie is laughing and I can hardly believe it. She hasn’t laughed at anything I’ve said in ten years. It makes my heart skip a beat and I just want this night to go on forever. We sit and talk and laugh in between people coming up and saying hello. Every time we’re interrupted I just want to tell them to go away, to leave me alone with her, to let me have this time before both of us leave. It feels too good to be here with her. To be laughing with her.
An old neighbour is talking about something that doesn’t interest me about a tractor or a hen or a cow when I see Ellie get up off her stool. She finishes the last of her beer and looks around the room. Maggie is still with her man, so Ellie slings her bag on her shoulder. She glances over at me and nods with a small smile on her face. Does she look sad, or am I imagining things?
I can’t let her go, not like this.
“Sorry to interrupt, Terry, it was great to talk to you.” I say to the man and then turn to Ellie without waiting for a response. “Let me walk you home.”
“When did you turn into a gentleman?” she says with a grin.
We walk out together and I resist the urge to put an arm around her waist. It’s like I’m 17 again and a nervous wreck. Where is the confident, suave rock star that I usually am?!
We walk in silence for a bit and then Ellie looks over at me.
“So how about you? Any failed engagements in LA?”
I grin. “No failed engagements, just lots of failed relationships.”
“Serves you right,” she says, but I can hear the smile in her voice. After a couple steps she speaks again. “You’re not that bad, you know.”
“Thanks,” I say with a laugh. “Only took you a decade to come around to talking to me again.”
She says nothing, and I worry that I’ve said something wrong. I scramble in my head, trying to figure out what I could say to her. Is it worth saying anything?
“Look, Ellie..”
“Derek, please,” she says softly. “I don’t want to talk about the past. It’s time to move on.”
Her words are like a dagger to the chest, and I’m not sure exactly what she means. Move on from the past? Move on from each other? I didn’t even know we had something to move on from. I can’t stay quiet.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. I cared about you when we were in high school, I really did. I should have apologised then and I should have told you how I felt.” How I still feel, I wish I could say. I feel ridiculous, still having such strong feelings for a girl I dated when I was seventeen.
She’s quiet for a bit and I’m worried again, worried I’ve said too much, or too little. I’m not used to being this unsure of myself.
“I lost my virginity with you,” she says quietly. “And then you made a fool of me.”
Her words sting, and I can feel the hurt behind them. They sting because they’re the truth. She opened herself up to me and I couldn’t even speak up and defend her when it all came crumbling down.
“I never meant to,” I start.
“Of course you did. Why else would you go out with me at all?” She stops walking and turns towards me. Her hands are on her hips and I feel like there’s an ocean between us. Why won’t she believe me! I cared about her! But I was an idiot! I was a stupid teenage boy! I take a deep breath. “You went out with me on a DARE! With the express purpose of making an idiot out of me! Just a joke with you and your dumb friends. Who can get nerdy little Ellie Walters to put out for them first? And now you’re telling me you never meant to hurt me?!”
The bitterness and anger in her voice hits me like a sledgehammer. I want to grab her, hold her in my arms. I can’t help but notice the way her green eyes are sparking, the way her whole body is tensed up like a coiled spring. I feel hurt and ashamed but I can’t help but notice the way my cock jumps every time her eyes drill into me.
I sigh.
“At first, yeah, you’re right. It was a dare. It was stupid, Ellie! But that’s what it took to give me the courage to actually ask you out. I always liked you,” I say. My voice is pleading. My eyes are searching her face and I can still see the remnants of her anger in her eyes. She looks at me, eyes sparkling in the starlight as we talk about my betrayal for the first time in ten years.
“Eleanor,” I say softly. I desperately want to reach out to her, to touch her face or stroke her hair. To kiss her lips… “Ellie, I’m sorry. Truly, truly sorry.”
“Thanks,” she says, relaxing her shoulders down. “You’ve never actually apologised to me before, and I appreciate it.”
She looks deep into my eyes for another second and I try to bring myself to take a step closer to her, but then she drops her eyes and turns back towards her house. I follow her lead and walk in silence until we get to her front door. She turns towards me and smiles softly.
“It was nice seeing you, Derek. Good luck in LA. I hope things keep going well for you. I really mean it.”
I hate that it sounds so final. She’s saying goodbye to me, and it sounds like she’s saying it forever.
“Be careful over there, Ellie.”
She nods, and glances at my face one more time. I can see her lips part gently as she stands there. The moonlight is giving her an almost angelic air. My hands are itching for her body and I’m willing them to reach out towards her, to dip my head down towards her plump red lips.
Time stands still. We’re locked on each other, staring into each other’s eyes. I can almost taste her already. I start moving my head, dipping it down towards hers and my heart is beating faster than I’ve ever felt it. Almost as if it’s slow motion, my hands drift towards her, almost touching her slim waist.
My lips part and I can see the softness of her lips right in front of me. We’re only inches apart.
And then, the spell breaks. She looks down and away towards her front door. She takes a step back and looks back up at me, smiling sadly.
“Goodbye, Derek.”
She walks up to her door, unlocking it and stepping through. It closes and I hear the lock click shut with finality.
Goodbye, Ellie.
I close my eyes and sigh, trying to ignore the sharp pain that passes through my chest before I turn around and walk back towards my mother’s old house.