Chapter Eighteen

Dan woke the next morning when his phone started vibrating across the floor, still tucked into the pocket of his jacket. Groaning, he turned over, startled by the weight currently thrown over his side, before grinning at the memory of what he’d done the night before. Fumbling on the floor for his jacket, he squinted down at the name on the Caller ID, swallowing thickly at the sight of his mother’s number flashing up.

Ignoring it, turning onto his back, he rubbed at his eyes with the palms of his hands.

“Who was it?” Bobby said, voice muffled by the pillows he was pressed against.

“Nobody,” Dan said, not wanting to address the topic of his mother. “Do we have to get up now?”

“The Olympics are over,” Bobby said, thinking about it. He shuffled over, curling up against Dan, and Dan put an arm over his shoulders, holding him close.

The reality of it all was crashing down on Dan and though his chest felt tight, he didn’t let any of it show, and kissed the top of Bobby’s head. He needed a shower, needed to pack and get out of Calgary, but leaving Bobby didn’t feel like the right decision. Content to avoid the decision for now, he dozed lightly, running a hand through Bobby’s hair, listening to the sound of Bobby breathing, and listening to the thumps and shouting from other rooms. People were getting their shit together and eventually, Rafael was going to want to come and do the same.

“Bobby,” Dan mumbled. “We should move.”

Abruptly there was a knock at the door and it shot open, Dan letting out an undignified yelp.

“Ian!”

Ian appeared in the doorway, hand over his eyes, waving his hand around like an idiot. “Dan, fuck, mom’s here!”

“What?” Dan froze. “Where?”

“In the lobby, man. She wanted to come up here, but I said I’d get you.” Ian had dropped his arm, but he was still covering his eyes. “Can I look?”

“No,” Dan snapped, looking down at Bobby, whose face was schooled into nothing. He didn’t look like he was judging, but Dan still felt sick to his stomach, hated what he was doing, hated that he was going to do it anyway. “I need to get dressed.”

Despite trying to drown himself in the shower, Dan emerged from the bathroom quarter of an hour later to find Ian sitting on Rafael’s bed, scrubbing his hands through his hair, and Bobby on the other, tugging on the shirt he’d discarded the night before.

“You can have the bathroom,” Dan told him, Ian immediately slapping a hand over his eyes as Bobby kicked back the covers. Dan smiled gently, but Bobby didn’t return it, just slipped into the bathroom behind him and closed the door. “Fuck.”

“Sorry man,” Ian said, dropping his hand. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You didn’t,” Dan said, dropping down onto the end of his bed. “This is so messed up.”

“I’m gonna stay with Helena,” Ian said.

When Dan looked at him, he shrugged. “It doesn’t make your decision any easier, but fuck her, seriously.”

The shower started up in the bathroom and Dan couldn’t help the momentary thought of sharing it, of being able to have Bobby just once more. “It’s not just Mom.”

Ian didn’t say anything for a moment. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but the kind Ian often employed when he wasn’t quite sure of what he wanted to say.

“Stay here with him?” Dan asked, grabbing his phone from his pants pocket. “I need to go talk to Mom.”

“Without him?” Ian asked, brow furrowed.

“Yes, without him,” Dan said, shaking his head. “He doesn’t deserve to get dragged into this.”

Ian sighed, looking unhappy, but he shrugged. “I don’t think you have to answer to her, that’s all.”

“She’s my agent,” Dan reminded him. “And my manager.”

Both are easily replaceable.

The words were on the tip of Ian’s tongue. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it. The shower was still going, but it wouldn’t be long before Bobby was done.

“Go,” Ian said. “I’ll stay here.”

Dan muttered his thanks and left the room, hurrying toward the elevator. Everything was messed up, coming apart at the seams. Dan had thought of the Olympics as insular a couple of times since he’d been in Calgary, but that didn’t make the unraveling any easier to handle. The idea of facing his mother after their last meeting was making him nauseous, but he rode the elevator down anyway, fiddling with his phone. Bobby was probably getting out of the shower, grilling Ian on where he was. With any luck, Bobby would go back to his room, get his stuff and forget about Dan.

Stepping out into the lobby, Dan shoved his phone into his pocket, hovering awkwardly before approaching her. What was it about her that made him feel twelve again?

“Dan,” Maryse snapped as soon as she saw him. She had her own phone in her hand, grip white-knuckled as she thrust it toward him. “Do you mind explaining this?”

Taking the phone from her hand, Dan was faced with an article on one of ice hockey’s favorite gossip blogs. The fact that his mother—sports agent to more than just Dan—searched through sites that Dan found less than savory was no doubt her job, but Dan’s lip curled in disgust. They never had anything good to say, and Dan doubted they would now.

The picture they’d used was one from the closing ceremony the night before, Dan’s medal hanging around his neck as he walked with Kayla, Ian, and Rafael. There was nothing questionable about it, though the article was titled “Just Friends?”

The next few pictures were ones that Dan had already seen—ones of him at Bobby’s events, Kayla’s events and at his own games. Bobby was in almost all of them, and though the article was talking about sibling solidarity, they were also alluding to the fact that there was something more between Dan and Bobby, that perhaps they were forming a friendship across event lines or some star-crossed nonsense.

“They’re just pictures, Mom.”

“I’m not an idiot.” His mother folded her arms. “There’s another one.”

She had two tabs open and Dan flicked through to the next one. It was a picture of Dan and Bobby at the restaurant that first day, Dan gazing at Bobby with an expression that was all too obvious. Bobby was smiling, but he looked enamored with Dan.

“Where did you find this?”

“Someone posted it online. I had it taken down, I can have the other article amended.”

“Why?” Dan said, fighting through the tightening of his chest. “What does it matter?”

“You are in the National Hockey League,” his mother snapped as if Dan could ever forget. “These kinds of things are damaging, Dan, and we did not work this hard for you to throw it away now!”

Thrusting his mother’s phone back toward her, he sneered. “We didn’t do anything. I’m the one playing hockey. What does it matter what I choose to do here? The only person worrying about these articles is you.”

“Are you doing this on purpose?” His mother said, angry. She was staring at something behind him and Dan froze, turned to see Bobby hovering by the elevator, Ian rushing out behind him. He shrugged at Dan helplessly.

“Mom,” Dan said, trying to get her attention back on him. “I’m not doing anything!”

 Maryse gestured at Bobby as if he wasn’t worth looking at and addressing as an actual person. “You told me that you didn’t want to come to the Olympics, so you decided to get back at me by acting like what you really want for yourself is to be gay?”

“Yes, mother,” Dan said, tone low. “I’m choosing to be gay to spite you.”

“Dan,” Bobby said, cutting effectively over whatever Dan’s mother might have said.

Dan didn’t want to move, rooted to the spot, but Bobby grabbed his hand, tugged him over to the seats. There were people leaving the building, others loitering in the lobby, trying to eavesdrop or figure out what was going on.

“Is she right?” Bobby said, gesturing between them. “Did this matter, or am I just a way to get back at your mother?”

“No,” Dan said immediately. How could Bobby think he would do that? Because you don’t know what you want, a voice in the back of his said viciously. Ignoring it, Dan reached out, gripping Bobby’s arm. “I want this for me.”

Bobby looked around Dan, to where Maryse was waiting. “You told me you didn’t care what she wanted for your future, that you wanted to make your own.”

“I know,” Dan said slowly because that was what he wanted. But the pictures his mother had shown him, the speculation. It was all so much, and he and Bobby would get lost amongst that. He couldn’t do that to Bobby, didn’t want to do that to himself. He wanted Bobby to understand. Hockey was all he had, all he had ever been, and if he didn’t have that, what could he do? “I can’t be what you want me to be.”

“I don’t want you to be anything,” Bobby said, looking exhausted. He tightened his grip on Dan’s arm, but it felt less like he was trying to hurt Dan and more as if was trying to touch Dan as much as possible. Dan knew how he felt; he didn’t want this to end, but with his mother behind him and the whole of his NHL career ahead of him, Dan didn’t know which decision was the right one. It wasn’t fair. “You knew this would happen. You told me that first day.”

Because if anyone finds out I’m gay, I need my hockey to be better.

“That wasn’t a contingency plan, Bobby.” Dan swallowed. “Please don’t do this.”

Bobby looked at him, expression full of so much pity that it made Dan feel sick. “Your mother doesn’t control you.”

“She controls my career,” Dan said quietly, heartbreaking.

“No, Dan,” Bobby snapped, taking a step back. “You control your career. When you realize that, come back and find me.”

Dan blinked as Bobby turned on his heel and stalked away, leaving Dan standing in the middle of the hotel lobby, aware that his mother was growing impatient and wanting nothing more than to turn around and tell her to fuck off out of his life.