Chapter Five

Training the next day was hell.

Dan would have slept through his alarm if it hadn’t been for Rafael throwing a pillow at his head and cursing everything from Dan’s family line to the fact that he was so restless he had to drag them all out to a rink in the dead of night, like he hadn’t been just as willing to tag along.

Crawling out of bed and going through the motions of showering and dressing, Dan still felt half-asleep as he stepped onto the ice in his gear, the familiar red, white and blue awakening what little patriotism he possessed. Skating circles around the rink, working in both his skates and his body reminded Dan of the night before, of Bobby watching him throw everything he had into his moves.

Of telling Bobby why he kept his real skills hidden.

Shaking it off, fighting off the urge to throw up right there on the ice, Dan focused on Coach, on the orders being barked his way. Thankfully Coach had seen the way Dan and Rafael played back in Manhattan and how good they were on the same line. He kept them that way, planted a left wing on Dan’s other side that he’d played against several times. Alaric played for New Jersey, significantly older than Dan, and in a weird twist of six degrees, was Helena’s father’s best friend or something. Dan didn’t get the connection, but he had seen Helena and Alaric talking just before they took the ice. The women’s team weren’t even training at the rink, but Dan had a very strong suspicion it had something to do with his brother and didn’t want to delve any deeper.

“Oi,” Rafael said, slapping his butt with his hockey stick. “Where’s your head at?”

“Here,” Dan protested, scowling out at Rafael from under his helmet. “Why?”

“You were glaring at Alaric as if he were going to melt through the ice. You gonna be all right to play with him?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I don’t have a problem with Alaric. I know he knows Helena and I was trying not to think about why she was here and not training with her own team.”

Rafael snorted, finally picking up on where Dan’s head was and made a face. “Thanks, now I’m thinking about it.”

“You asked,” Dan said with a satisfied grin. Now that he wasn’t focusing on Ian’s love life, he could go back to lamenting his own. Fuck Bobby anyway for whatever vibe he was giving off that he made Dan reveal secrets that he had never told anyone, not even his siblings, but he was sure that Ian was working it out given his reactions the day before.

The rest of training flew past, and though Dan was sure it was mostly thanks to Rafael, he didn’t say so. No point in making Rafael’s head any bigger than it already was. Alaric was good, and Dan could see why he was still playing even with people calling for his retirement. Their line just works and even if they’re only third line, he’s sure they can make waves. Let Ian and his line do all the heavy lifting and Dan’s can sweep in and throw out some goals.

When he told Ian as much in the locker room, undressing for the shower, Ian gave him a withering look.

“You want a scoring contest, bro?”

Dan knew it was a sure loss with the way Ian was playing, but he couldn’t help the “You’re on,” that fell out of his mouth. Dammit. He had never been this competitive or this outspoken. Even Ian looked surprised by his vehement response but it wasn’t negative, in fact, Ian looked almost pleased with Dan’s answering challenge.

“Good,” Ian says, holding out his hand.

Dan could still back out and Ian wouldn’t hold it against him, but he gripped Ian’s hand anyway. “We’ll see who comes out on top, won’t we?”

Ian snorted, breaking his grip.

After showering and gathering his stuff, Rafael and Ian both asked if he wanted to go out somewhere, but Dan begged off. It was the opening ceremony later that night and he wanted to catch a nap because he could foresee it being a long night. From the rowdiness of the USA quarter when he got back a half hour later, he was sure he made the right decision, though it meant little chance that he would be able to nap.

Dan: Hey Kay. You here?

Kayla: In room 243. Bring coffee

There were too many smileys, so she was clearly still working off her jetlag, but Dan did as she asked and grabbed a coffee and a tea from the coffee shop on the corner. By the time he made it to Kayla’s floor, a few of Helena’s teammates, still decked out in hockey jackets and beanies, shouldered past him into the elevator.

“Tell Helena her boyfriend’s scoring chances are for shit,” Dan said as a parting shot, not feeling bad in the slightest. He did like Helena, even if he didn’t really know her, and that was as much about Ian as it was her. Let the whole of Team USA think Helena and Ian were together. It was better than just saying fuck buddy or something crass like that. He could be kind when he was being a shit.

Eyes trailing the numbers on the door, Dan found his sister’s room and kicked at the bottom of the door, hands occupied. The door flung open to reveal a tiny red-cheeked girl with her hair pulled up into a loose bun. She gave Dan a bright smile.

“You must be Kayla’s brother. I’m off out to meet my coach. Pleased to meet you.”

She bounded off, but Dan managed a weak reply, getting a wave of her hand in return. He was still standing in the door staring after her dumbly when Kayla kicked his shoe.

“Oi.”

“Your roommate is…” He trailed off.

“Energetic? Crazy? Cute?”

“All of the above,” Dan agreed, slipping into the room as Kayla shut the door behind him. “She a figure skater?”

“Speed,” Kayla said with a laugh. “Casey’s eighteen but looks about twelve.”

Dan let out a soft curse. “Well, good for her.”

Kayla was seventeen the first time she skated at an Olympics, though she didn’t place very high. Still, she had been asked back again this year, so Dan had high hopes for her.

Handing over Kayla’s coffee, Dan perched on the edge of what he hoped was Kayla’s bed. She flopped down next to him, taking a sip of her coffee, but eyeing him over the rim of the lid.

“So,” she said when the silence between them stretched thin. “Ian texted me last night.”

“Fuck,” Dan said, rubbing at his face. “And?”

“Bobby Lake, huh?”

“Bobby Lake nothing,” Dan said, too quickly to fool her.

Kayla snorted, taking another sip of her drink. She didn’t shift her gaze, but she was grinning, so Dan supposed what she had to say couldn’t be too bad. “Bobby and I have skated together, you know.”

Dan didn’t know. He hadn’t heard Bobby’s name before yesterday. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.” Kayla slid her cup onto the dresser by the bed and shifted, lifting a leg to the bed and crossing it in front of her. “Dan, you know I wouldn’t care if—”

“I’m gay,” Dan blurted, feeling his face heat as he did so. “Not because of Bobby. Before, but I am.”

Kayla stared at him for a long time, so much so that Dan thought she was going to storm out or shove him away or something. Instead, she reached out, squeezing his arm. “I know.”

That wasn’t what he’d been expecting. “How?”

“Please,” Kayla said, her voice gentle. “You’ve never had a girlfriend in your life, you stare at boys when you think nobody’s looking, and you’ve always looked like you have a secret that you don’t want anybody to know.”

Dan shrugged, staring down at the lid of his coffee cup. It had a tea stain on the edge and he dug his thumbnail into a ridge on the top, probably made by the manufacturing machine. “I’ve been so scared.”

Kayla let out a slow breath and leaned forward, resting her chin on his shoulder. Her hair brushed his temple and he tilted his head a little. “I thought you’d freak out if I told you I knew.”

“Probably,” Dan admitted. Most days he could barely admit to himself and he was still terrified, part of him wondering if Kayla would tell someone, even accidentally. “Please don’t say anything.”

Instead of getting mad at him, Kayla wrapped her arms around his chest, burying her face in his neck. She wasn’t talking, just squeezing him tightly and Dan had to close his eyes, breath slowly through his nose. It had been a long time since he’d had a hug like this, comforting, and he was ashamed of how glad he was for it.

“God, Kayla, I’ve been—”

“Scared, I know,” Kayla said, brushing a hand through his hair. It was uncomfortable, they weren’t the kind of siblings that did this often, but Dan let himself take it, just for the moment. “I swear, I won’t tell anyone else. Not even by accident.”

Dan didn’t think that was something she could promise but he appreciated the sentiment. He pressed a kiss to the hand she had around his neck and pulled away, giving her a soft grin. “It feels better to tell someone.”

Kayla’s smile was soft and watery and though Dan knew she wasn’t really the first person he told—he was not going there—it was enough that she was the second. He didn’t have favorites amongst his siblings, but Kayla was easier to confess things to. He blamed that on why the next words out of his mouth weren’t what he had planned on.

“I was flirting with Bobby,” he said, shutting his mouth with an audible clack that had his jaw aching. “Uh.”

Laughing at him, Kayla brushed a lock of hair out of her face. “You’re Bobby’s type. Did he flirt back?”

Dan frowned. He was sure Bobby had been, even a little bit, especially when they’d been on the ice. “Yes?”

Kayla rolled her eyes. “You don’t know when someone’s flirting with you, do you?”

“Not many people do,” Dan said.

“That,” Kayla said, with a prod to his shoulder, “is a lie. You’re just too oblivious to notice.”

Dan opened his mouth to refute it and shut it just as quickly. If he hadn’t been hyper-aware of Bobby the night before, he might not have noticed that Bobby was flirting with him. It was possible that Dan had been hit on and just hadn’t picked up on it. “Oh.”

Kayla swung her leg back to the ground and bounced to her feet, reaching out a hand. Dan let her tug him to his feet and stared down at her, surprised when she tugged him toward the door. “Come on. We’re going out.”

“I was gonna nap,” Dan said weakly.

“You can nap after the Olympics.” Kayla grabbed the room key from her dresser and slipped it into her back pocket, phone bulging in the other. “This afternoon we’re gonna go find Bobby.”

“Nope,” Dan said immediately, resisting the pull to his arm. She glared at him, but he refused to relent. “I don’t want to see Bobby any more than I have to.”

“Liar.” Kayla wasn’t tugging on his arm anymore, but he didn’t doubt for one second that she would throw him over one shoulder and toss him into an elevator herself. Deceptively small, she had been kicking his ass for years, and bulking up for hockey didn’t give him any illusions that he was somehow stronger than her. He couldn’t do the shit she did with her limbs. “Dan, I love you, but if you don’t get out there and get a love life, you’ll go crazy.”

“I can’t,” Dan stressed. “It’s not about Bobby.”

It was about Bobby, it was about being gay, it was about hockey. It was about all of it, but it was easier to think in his head than it was to say that aloud to his sister.

“I get it. Hockey player lifestyle, nobody’s out and proud, but Dan, you can’t forget to live just to satisfy a hockey narrative. You’re worth more than that.” Kayla looked heartbroken.

“Kayla.” Dan didn’t know what to say to that.

“I want you to be happy,” Kayla said, stepping closer. “You give up so much for us.”

Dan frowned. “No, I don’t.”

“Sure,” Kayla said, and Dan chose to ignore her skeptical expression. “I still want you to be happy. Mom’s not here, Dan. Live a little.”

Dan had lived his life being afraid of what living a little meant. He couldn’t be happy, not in the way he wanted, not in the public eye. The Olympics were different. Sure, the whole world was watching, but they were torn in so many different directions that nobody out there would be watching Dan specifically.

Kayla sensed his weakness because a smile broke out on her face. “Please? Just one quick run to the rink so I can practice. I wanna show you my new routine.”

Their schedules never ran at the same time; Dan hadn’t seen what Kayla was planning to do, and she knew it. Sighing, he shrugged. “Fine.”

Letting out a little whoop and a fist bump, Kayla opened the door and swept an arm out, letting him lead the way to the elevator. She was being dramatic on purpose, but he let her have her fun. His heart was hammering in his chest, nervous about being in the same space as Bobby after the way they had left things the night before, but he could always focus on Kayla and ignore him. It wasn’t rude if you’d made an accidental confession of sexuality, right?

Kayla slouched against the wall of the elevator, digging out her phone. “I’ll make sure Katarina’s at the rink.”

Katarina was Kayla’s coach, apparently, or choreographer. Dan could never keep all of them straight in his head. So many people were involved in a figure skater’s career. Not unlike hockey, he supposed, but all that attention was on one person. Dan shuddered. He was glad he had the rest of the team to divert attention away from him.

“What are you skating to?”

“It’s a surprise,” Kayla said. “Not even Meliorn knows.”

Meliorn had been Kayla’s rink partner since they were kids. He was a little weird, but good for Kayla, so Dan didn’t interfere. Not that he would punch the kid or anything; he wasn’t that kind of big brother—that was all Ian—but he could glare at Mr. Weird long and hard enough to make him nervous.

“Wow,” Dan said, dryly. “Is it a love confessional?”

“Not during a competition,” Kayla said, shaking her head.

“Oh, sorry, how ludicrous,” Dan said, mouth lifting in a half-smile.

“Shut up. Competitions are serious.” Kayla stared at him under her lashes, but she was grinning.

Competitions were serious, at least for the Matthewses—Kayla’s name change aside—and Dan could empathize. Not that he would ever consider a love confession on the ice. Kayla had a flair for the dramatic and he was ashamed to say that he could picture her doing something elaborate and embarrassing.

“Still,” Dan said, pushing away from the wall as the elevator stopped in the lobby. “Definitely your speed.”

Kayla wanted to look outraged, but she shrugged. “Probably. It would be the kind of headline Mom would hate. I’m all for that.”

Dan’s chest seized but he kept his mouth shut. Not that he wanted Kayla and their mom to fix whatever was between them—Dan didn’t think their mom would ever be able to right her relationships with any of her children, himself included—but because Kayla deserved to have parents who both loved her.

Their father was his own beast. He and Dan didn’t get on at all, but he loved Kayla enough to forgive her changing her name and running away to Detroit. He had yet to forgive Max for only doing one of those things. Dan shook off thoughts of their parents, blinking in the sunlight as Kayla tugged him toward a cab.

“Ian is due back any minute,” Kayla said, tapping away on her phone. “I don’t wanna blow his mind by telling him where we’re going.”

“He won’t care,” Dan said.

Kayla was unimpressed. “Ian isn’t the sharpest tool, Dan, but even he picked up on your flirting.”

Panic seized Dan’s chest and he had a quiet freak out in the back of the cab, Kayla obliviously texting next to him. It wasn’t total news, he was hardly being subtle the night before, but he wasn’t ready to say the words out loud to Ian. Ian was like a dog with a bone; if he felt he needed to say something to Dan, he would, with little thought to how it might make Dan feel.

“He isn’t going to talk to me, is he?”

“God no,” Kayla said immediately. Her eyes ran over Dan’s face and she shifted like she’d just noticed his demeanor. “Shit, Dan, it’s not a big deal for me so I forget what it’s like, I just. I can tell him not to bring it up?”

That would be so much worse. “Don’t say anything. Maybe he won’t talk to me.”

“Probably not.” Kayla sounded certain. At his look, she raised her eyebrows. “He hates talking about anyone else’s sex life except his own. Don’t worry.”

Dan didn’t know why people said don’t worry when there was an obvious cause to worry. He couldn’t shut it off. He had to tell himself that she meant well, to bite back on snapping at her. It wasn’t Kayla’s fault that he was gay and scared. It wasn’t even his fault that he was gay. Being scared was all on him but he was working on it. He’d blurted it out to Bobby, hadn’t he?

Which brought him right back to Bobby.

Either Dan was going to walk around Calgary with a permanent headache or go stir crazy trying to remember who knew which secret. Before the announcement that he’d made the Olympics, his life had been so simple. Maybe it was Team USA he should be mad at. Why did they have to go and want him to help USA win a medal? He was happyish in Manhattan.

“Oi,” Kayla said, digging an elbow into his side. “Where are you?”

“In the back of a cab with you,” Dan said without missing a beat.

“Ha, ha,” Kayla said, deadpan. “What’s going through this.”

She poked at his head and Dan batted her hand away, scowling. “Right here, wondering what I did to get saddled with such an annoying sister.”

Kayla pressed a hand to her chest, overdramatic in her shock. “How dare you. I am the best sister you’ve ever had.”

Dan snorted. “Hate to break it to you, Kay, but you’re the only sister I’ve ever had.”

“Not for long,” Kayla said, grinning like an idiot as the cab rolled to a stop outside of a familiar rink. “Ian is totally gonna marry Helena.”

“God, I hope not,” Dan said before he could think about it. Making a face, and ignoring Kayla’s laugh, he was glad he could clamber over her to get out, letting Kayla pay.

Kayla looked surprised. “You don’t like Helena?”

“No,” Dan said slowly, elongating the vowel. He didn’t have particularly strong feelings for Helena either way—she had introduced him to Bobby after all, though Dan wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing yet—Ian acted weird around her and Dan wasn’t sure how to take that. “Just Ian needs to concentrate on other things.”

Hooking an arm through Dan’s, Kayla patted his side condescendingly. “It must be so hard to think about hockey all the time.”

The last was said with a sarcastic edge and Dan let her have it, refusing to rise to the bait. Kayla knew how important hockey was to Dan and he knew how much figure skating meant to her. Thankfully, they were at the rink before he had to come up with something else to say, and he sincerely hoped that Bobby wasn’t there.