CHAPTER
NINE
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Ella
Calder's lips were like warm velvet as they brushed across mine before the kiss slowly heated and morphed into an eager and demanding one that inflamed my already rising desire. He crushed me against him, molding my breasts against the solid wall of his chest as he wrapped his strong powerful arms around my body and held me close. So close I could feel the staccato rhythm of his heart pounding against me as my own fluttered along in counterpoint.
His heat, his scent, and his undeniable masculine presence enveloped me, flooding my senses and pushing away everything else. Nothing mattered now but my desire to be his, to be taken and claimed by this man who somehow still inexplicably wanted me.
"Ella," his deep sensual voice spoke against my lips, his tone dripping with molten desire. I looked up and was lost to those brilliant crystalline blue eyes, my body instinctively softening against him. A long keening whimper fell from my lips, desperately needing and wanting to be his again after all this time, to feel our bodies melding and moving together in a primal heart-pounding dance of sex and unbridled lust.
"Please," I murmured, my lips tingling and yearning for more.
"Yes," he replied huskily, his hips thrusting against me. He pushed his erection against my stomach, his arousal very obvious and very large.
Breathless with anticipation, I slowly reached downward, longing to trace my fingertips over his swollen cock.
"Mom?" Violet asked suddenly, startling me out of my daydream.
"Wh...what, baby?" I whirled away from the washing machine to see Violet in the doorway of the laundry room staring at me with a perplexed expression.
"Why are you just standing there looking out the window?"
"Uh...um..." I fumbled out, mortified at being busted fantasizing about sex by my ten-year-old daughter. "Just...just thinking about stuff."
"O-kay..." she said, elongating the word as she watched me with narrowed eyes and a concerned expression. She set down the laundry basket full of dirty clothes I'd asked her to bring me and walked away slowly, eying me suspiciously as she went.
I groaned quietly and leaned back against the dryer, irritated with myself yet again. This wasn't the first time my mind had wandered where it shouldn't over the last two days and nights. Waking or sleeping, that searing kiss Calder gave me on Sunday night was still branded into my brain. I couldn't stop thinking about it and what it might mean. What the hell I was going to do if I saw him at work again tomorrow? I hadn't seen him again after he took off like a bat out of hell after we kissed. His crazy terrified reaction was just as perplexing as the kiss itself, not to mention the fact that I'd happily do it again.
I unconsciously touched my lips, remembering how good it felt to be desired by a man again, but why did it have to be this man? Why did it have to be the first love that I never should have left? Why did it have to be the one man who stirred such potent and confusing emotions inside me? Pain, regret, guilt, lust, and to be honest, old lingering feelings of love for the man he used to be, the one I'd apparently destroyed when I'd so callously walked away. By the time I realized the horrible mistake I'd made, it was too late, and I'd already been sucked into Raymond Voss' world. I'd been trapped with no way out until he died, my own daughter used as leverage to keep me from leaving.
Who was I kidding? I was still trapped by Ray, broke with no prospect of a future beyond a hand to mouth existence that I couldn't see a way out of. He never let me work or go to college like I always wanted to. I didn't even have any friends anymore. I had nothing of value to offer anyone, least of all my daughter. I had nothing. What kind of future did Violet have with a mother who couldn't even afford to put a roof over her head, let alone pay for her to go to college someday?
My eyes stung with tears as I looked around the room. Like doing the laundry and cleaning the house for my brother and his family could in any way make up for relying on them to support me. I felt like a failure as a human being. I felt worthless, like every negative thing Ray told me I was over the last decade was true. I stifled a sob, not wanting Violet to hear and worry about me. I picked up the laundry basket and shoved the next load into the washing machine as I squelched my pain and sorrow down into a tight little ball that sat in my chest like a heavy lump of lead.
When I had myself under control again, I left the laundry room to go to the kitchen. Violet was sitting at the table with her tablet and the half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'd made her for lunch. She also had a glass of the almond milk she'd begged Evan to buy for her, along with some other vegan foods. Apparently, my little brother was a sucker for a pleading little girl, and he'd bought whatever she wanted.
She startled guiltily as she noticed me walk in, and I eyed her suspiciously as she put the tablet to sleep and started wolfing down her sandwich instead. I wondered what she was up to, and opened my mouth to question her just as the doorbell rang. I frowned and headed for the front door, wondering who was here in the middle of a Wednesday.
I crossed the house and went to the door, pausing to peek through the peephole and instantly tensing when I recognized who was here. I closed my eyes and braced myself for a moment, before the doorbell rang yet again. I unlocked the door with a sigh and opened it to see my father standing there with an impatient expression.
"It's about time you answered the door," he grumbled as he pushed his way in without waiting for me to invite him inside.
I watched him stride into the living room dressed in his khaki work shirt and dark pants. An I.D. badge hung on his chest announcing that he worked in the maintenance department of the hospital. The same one Beth worked at. He was a stocky man, an inch or so shy of six-feet tall, with gray hair and sharp steel blue eyes just like Evan and me. Those blue eyes were now giving me and my ratty T-shirt and sweat pants a once-over and frowning when he found me lacking. Welcome to the story of my life.
"I figured you were still unemployed, so I found you some work," he said gruffly.
"Dad, I already-"
He cut me off. "The hospital cafeteria is hiring, and I called in a favor to get you an interview this afternoon."
"Dad, that's not nec-" I tried again.
"The pays not great, but I suppose it's better than leaching off your brother." He looked at his watch. "If you get dressed right away we can just make it in time."
"Dad," I finally said sharply in irritation, trying to ignore his passive-aggressive jab. He was still upset that Violet and I didn't move in with him when I came back home. Like I'd even considered for one second living under his roof ever again or working at the same place he did for that matter. This man was one of the biggest reasons I left this town twelve years ago. "I already got a job."
He eyed me with a skeptical expression. "Where?" he asked tersely.
"A place called The Indigo Room," I replied.
"That nightclub?" he asked incredulously with a mortified expression.
"Yes."
"What the hell kind of a place is that for a mother to work?" he asked indignantly.
"A place that pays well and lets me use Evan's truck to get there," I replied calmly, not wanting to make this worse.
He shook his head. "I swear, your life choices just keep getting worse and worse," he said in disgust. "The only thing you ever did right was marry Ray." He shook his head and glared at me. "He was a hell of a lot better than that deadbeat loser you were with before him."
"He was not a loser, goddamn it," I snapped out irritably, close to losing my temper. Calder was the only thing I ever thought I did right. I was the loser who fucked it up. I'd be damned if I let Dad say those things about him.
"How dare you speak to me that way!" Dad retorted with a snarl. "You little b-"
"Don't yell at my mom!" Violet's voice called out angrily.
Dad and I whirled to find my daughter standing in the doorway into the kitchen. She was glaring at her grandfather with flashing green eyes and a hard stare that frighteningly channeled her father. Even at ten it was intimidating.
Dad turned back to me with a sneer. "Are you going to let your daughter talk to me like that?"
"Are you going to talk to your daughter like that?" Violet asked next, unerringly calling my father out on his hypocrisy.
Dad's face reddened in dumbfounded anger with his mouth opening and closing several times, rendered speechless by a ten-year-old girl.
My little girl was fearless, smart, and precocious. She was also far more observant than most kids her age. My father didn't stand a chance against her. Violet hadn't spent her childhood under his overbearing thumb like I'd been, worn down and intimidated by him year after year. Ray had treated her like an angel, unlike how he treated me, who'd been his glorified nanny and housekeeper after I gave him what he wanted, a child. Thanks to Ray though, I was relieved to discover when I returned home that I wasn't intimidated by my father anymore. Ray had been a real threat. My blustering father was just a sad lonely man angry at the world.
"Go home, Dad," I said in disgust before he could find his voice again.
"Well, at least I have a home," he finally managed to say as he glared at me. "Unlike my ungrateful daughter who'd rather work at a filthy nightclub than take the decent job I found for her."
My father may not intimidate me anymore, but unfortunately, he could still hurt me, and knew just how to do it. The guilt of living off my brother reared up to torment me yet again, and I suddenly felt worthless and clammed up as I fought my threatening tears. I refused to cry in front of him and let him know he'd gotten to me.
"Why are you so mean?" Violet asked sharply as she marched toward us. "If you can't be nice, you shouldn't say anything."
"Now listen here, young lady," Dad said angrily as he pointed at Violet. "Your mother may let you talk that way to adults, but I won't tolerate that kind of disrespect."
"Just go home, Dad," I said bitingly, my maternal instincts kicking in. He might talk to me that way, but I'd be damned if I let him do it to Violet. "I don't need your help or that job. I can take care of myself."
"Sure you can," he growled out snidely as he turned from Violet and gave me a scoffing expression. He headed for the door and leaned in as he passed me. "Don't come crying to me when you fuck this up, just like everything else in your life." He walked out without another word and slammed the door behind him.
This time I couldn't hold back the tears that burst out of me, his words cutting deep and too close to home. Why did I let that man still affect me so much? I dropped down to sit on the nearby sofa and covered my face with my hands as harsh painful sobs tore up out of me.
The next thing I knew Violet wrapped her arms around my shoulders, murmuring sweet comforting and reassuring words to me as she stroked my hair and hugged me tight. It should have made me feel better, but all it managed to do was make me feel worse. What kind of mother had to be defended and comforted by her own daughter? I'll tell you, the worthless kind.