CHAPTER
SIX
____________________
Calder
I slammed the door that led from the club into my office suite with such force that it reverberated through the walls and rattled the framed art. I stormed through the office with an onslaught of pain and anger raging inside me. I shot a glare at Gwen's now empty desk as I shot past her office, glad she wasn't here, or I'd probably fucking fire her right now. I made a beeline straight for my office like it was some sort of refuge that could save me. I rushed into the familiar room and stopped just past the doorway, not knowing what to do now that I was in here and didn't feel any calmer. I clamped my eyes closed and tried to slow my ragged breathing, clenching my hands into fists and shaking from the effort.
She was here. Fucking here. The second I recognized her as I reached down to help her up off the floor had felt like a sucker punch to my gut, a blow to my brain. Those steel blue eyes cut deeply into me, a blade so sharp and bright. I remembered how it felt sifting my fingers through that flaxen blond hair, how those soft heart-shaped lips felt against mine like it was yesterday and not twelve long years ago. My body, my soul instantly yearned for her, wanting to pull her up into my arms and hold her close, to feel her against me and never let her go. The unsettling way that it reminded me of a heroin craving had terrified me beyond measure, and scared me to death.
I almost just took off completely after I recognized her, but some common sense had prevailed. If she worked here, then I had to do something about it. I couldn't deal with her being here everyday. I feared it would send me running back into the deceptively comforting arms of heroin and destroy what was left of me. I had to fire her now for my own sanity's sake, but I couldn't deal with any of that in the middle of the club. I couldn't risk any of my employees seeing me so rattled and out of sorts. I couldn't let them see my weakness. I couldn't let her see it either. I couldn't let her see the power I didn't even know she still had over me until I saw her again tonight. I needed control. I needed calm. I needed to breathe.
I gasped in a harsh breath and forced myself to let it out slowly. I did it again, and again. I had to calm down because I didn't have much time before she walked in here. I opened my eyes and stared at my desk, trying to gather my thoughts past the chaos in my head. I needed to think and figure out a plan. I needed a reason to let her go that had nothing to do with the effect she had on me.
On a whim, I rushed over to sit at my desk and searched through the stack of file folders in my in-box. I found the resumes that Gwen gave me the day before the interviews. I never looked at them, but I was going to now. I sat down and shuffled through them, searching for that familiar name. Part way through, her first name caught my eye, but the last name was different. I thought maybe it wasn't her, but when I checked the birthday, it definitely was. I stared at the name, Ella Voss, as my heart clenched painfully. She'd married someone else, made a life with someone else. She left me behind and moved on like I was nothing, a nobody.
I squeezed my eyes shut and took that pain and anguish and shoved it down, twisting it into something I could deal with, could work with; hard unyielding control and cold distant detachment. I'd show her I'd moved on and made a life for myself too, made something of myself. I'd make sure she knew that she no longer meant anything to me. Then I'd fire her ass, and never see her again. I'd have my revenge. With that thought, I pushed the last of the chaos out of my head and was back in control again as cold calmness finally fell over me. It was just in time.
A soft noise caught my attention, and I opened my eyes to see her just outside the doorway into my office, into my sanctuary. She looked cowed and terrified as she stood there, her eyes lost and unsure as she stared at the floor. Her entire demeanor was tense and anxious, her hands fidgeting at her sides. This was a version of Ella that I'd never seen before, and it pulled at my heart, but I refused to let it get to me. After all, I wasn't the same person I was twelve years ago either, she'd made sure of that when she up and left me.
"Come in, and shut the door," I said in a hard commanding tone as I stood up from my chair.
She nodded and stepped into the office as she pulled the door closed behind her. She stood there as her eyes darted all over the room without looking at me, shrinking in on herself as if she wanted to disappear, a mere ghost of the woman I once knew. I ignored the part of me that was bothered by it. I didn't want to feel anything for this woman. I let her suffer in her obvious anxiety, and took a long moment to look at her.
Her face was older now of course, but she still looked beautiful to me with her high cheekbones, little nose, and those perfectly arched brows. Her flaxen hair was up, and I could see the long elegant line of her slender neck. She wasn't as thin and willowy as I remembered, but the little bit of extra weight gave the curves of her hips and breasts a soft lushness that only made her more appealing, more feminine.
After a long moment, she managed to meet my hard gaze. Those beautiful steel blue eyes pulled me in, hitting me like a jolt of raw electricity, and my body reacted against my will. Stark desire uncoiled inside me at the thought of my fingers pressing into the soft flesh of her hips as I pulled them tight against mine. I wanted to bring my lips to her neck, to kiss and nibble my way up to her warm soft lips, to taste what once was mine. My reaction pissed me off, and I shoved those thoughts away, ignoring the part of me that still wanted her, craved her.
"H...how are you here?" she whispered with a pained and lost expression.
"What?" I asked harshly. "Did you expect me to be dead or in prison by now?" I crossed my arms and glared at her, knowing how intimidating I must look and wanting to use it to my advantage. I regarded her with a cold indifferent stare meant to intimidate as well. Both worked.
She looked at the floor again and blinked rapidly. "I...I..."
That's what I thought. My anger flamed higher, and I lashed out with cold precision.
"After you left me, I didn't have anything to hold me back and keep me from making something of myself." I glanced down and scanned through her resume, noting her job history, or the lack thereof. "Something I see you never managed to do."
Her lips quavered and pressed together as her eyes welled with tears. I pressed on, ignoring how much being cruel to her bothered me.
"I entrusted my assistant to hire qualified and experienced employees, and you are neither," I said. "Given our history and my assistant's apparent oversight in hiring you, I think it's best that I let you go."
She gasped, her face paling as panic flooded her eyes. "Please Cal-" she began in a pleading tone.
"Don't call me that," I cut her off sharply making her startle. "No one calls me that anymore. No one." Not since her, not since she destroyed that young naive man I once was. It pained me to hear her use that name.
"Please, Calder," she pleaded instead. Somehow hearing her call me that wasn't any better. "I...I need this job. Please."
"Why?" I asked, bitterness coloring my tone. "Don't you have a husband to take care of you?
"He...he died," she whispered. My heart panged for her, and I shoved the feeling away. I didn't want to feel anything for this woman.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said, softening my voice with a small measure of grudging sympathy, "but it still doesn't change the fact that you're not qualified for this job."
"Please," she said again, her voice shaking now as tears fell down her cheeks. "I...I have a ten-year-old daughter."
Agonizing pain clutched my heart. She had a child with another man. A child she should have had with me, but I hadn't been good enough for that. My eyes burned as I stared at her speechlessly, fighting to push down the pain that threatened to unman me.
"No one else will hire me." She began to sob softly.
I didn't say anything as my chest ached with compassion. I clenched my jaw as I fought it, trying to keep my face stony and unaffected by her tears. I couldn't let her work here. My own sanity and well-being were at stake. She threatened my control, which would threaten my hard-won sobriety. What if the stress she caused me led to another relapse? I used for two years straight, and it took me another two years of relapsing repeatedly to get clean for good. I overdosed multiple times, and came close to death once. I couldn't risk it. I just couldn't. Using again would destroy the life I'd built for myself out of nothing, yet I couldn't bring myself to tell her I'd made my decision. I just stood there and watched her cry, paralyzed by the unwanted feelings she stirred inside me. How could I possibly still feel anything for this woman after what she did to me? How could she affect me this much after all this time?
She hugged herself and rubbed at her upper arms, wincing like she was in pain. I realized with a guilty jolt that I didn't even ask her if that drunken frat boy had hurt her. She stared at the floor as more tears trickled down her cheeks. I fought the sudden urge to go to her, to wipe those tears away, and to hold her and comfort her. What was wrong with me? I was still angry and hurt, still felt the aching void inside me that had never been filled since she left me. The hole inside me that I tried to fill with heroin. I shouldn't want anything to do with her.
"Without this job, I have nothing," she added in a dejected whisper, her body completely deflated in hopeless defeat now. It physically hurt me to see it.
And that was it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't fire her. I understood having nothing. I'd been there myself. I'd been desperate and alone, and no one would give me a chance because I was a recovering addict. I was fortunate when someone finally gave me that chance, and I believed everybody deserved an opportunity to prove themselves. However, I still didn't trust her. She seemed sincere, and I wanted to believe that she was, but she'd been the one to teach me a harsh lesson about trust. One I would never ever forget, so I gave her what I could.
"I'll give you thirty days to prove yourself," I finally said stonily, not wanting her to know just how much she'd gotten to me.
Her face shot up, eyes wide and shocked. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out for a few seconds. "Th...thank you, Cal...I mean Calder," she finally managed to stutter out.
"I think it's best if we keep things professional, and you call me Mr. Rennen," I said in a calm cold voice.
She nodded jerkily in reply.
"Don't make me regret this," I warned her sharply.
"I...I...I won't, Mr. Rennen, sir," she said, her voice and demeanor submissive and compliant. "I promise, sir."
Seeing her like that and hearing her say 'sir' that way stirred crazy unwanted thoughts of dominance and submission, rousing the Dom in me and waking my desire. An image of her kneeling at my feet, head bowed and waiting for my command filled my head. My dick twitched and began to harden and lengthen as a deep aching throb of lust came over me in a warm rush. What the fuck? She needed to leave. Now.
"Good," I replied as I sat down in my desk chair before she noticed my growing erection, my voice huskier and deeper than I intended. "I'll let you get back to work then," I added in obvious dismissal.
She nodded with a grateful expression, then scurried out of the room, closing the door behind her. I leaned back in my chair with a deep weary sigh, feeling lost and agitated by what just happened. I couldn't help thinking that I just made a horrible mistake that I was going to come to regret.