CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
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Ella
I flung open the door into the employee bathroom and rushed in. I hurried past the row of stalls to hide myself away in the farthest one from the door, grateful that there was no one else in here with me. I closed and locked myself in and spent a few moments cleaning myself up, trying to ignore the shame burning inside me and the fact that my panties were gone. Then I put myself back together and sank onto the toilet seat to stare down at my shaking hands feeling empty and forlorn.
More tears blurred my vision. What had I done? I told Calder things I'd never voiced out loud to anyone about Ray and the last horrible eleven years of my life that I'd spent trapped in a loveless joke of a marriage. How pathetic must he think I am?
Calder's life seemed perfect. He had accomplished so much for himself, unlike me, and was doing so well that he probably felt sorry for me. And what did I do after he'd given me just a sliver of comfort and attention? I'd thrown myself at him like some pathetic whore, but it felt so good to feel wanted again after feeling alone for so long. It felt good to be desired by a man, to be held and pleasured, to forget about my pathetic life for just a little while, but it had just been a pity fuck. That horrified look on his face right afterword made that crystal clear. I didn't think it was possible, but I felt even more worthless than I did when I woke up today.
Another debilitating wave of pain and hopelessness fell over me that felt like a hard heavy knot in my gut. I pressed my palms against my eyes and tried to smother the sobs that threatened to pour out of me. I needed to get my shit together so I could get back to work, but what if he was out there. I couldn't bear to face him again, now or maybe ever. Shit. I didn't know what to do.
The door to the bathroom opened, and terror streaked through me. What if it was Calder? I couldn't bear it. I stilled and prayed that it wasn't him.
"Ella?" I heard Gwen's voice call out worriedly. Oh, thank God.
"I'm here," I answered in a hoarse and wavering voice. I sounded like shit.
"Is everything okay?" she asked in concern, her heels clacking closer over the tile floor. "You hadn't come back from your break yet, and I was worried. Are you sick?"
"I..." I began to tell her I was fine, but then realized I'd found a solution to my problem. "I...I think so," I said instead. "I think it's from something I ate." I stifled another sob, feeling guilty for lying to her. "I'm sorry," I added pathetically. "But I think I need to go home."
"Don't be ridiculous," Gwen said. "If you're sick, you're sick. It's not your fault."
Yup, have some more guilt, but I needed to get out of here in case Calder came looking for me.
"Go home and rest," she continued. "We'll be fine without you for one night."
"Okay," I answered in relief.
"Good," she replied. "You get better. Alright?"
"Alright," I said with a wan smile. Gwen was so understanding, and it made me feel worse for deceiving her.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
I listened as Gwen walked out of the bathroom, then sighed in relief. I took a few moments to get a grip on myself before I finally ventured out of the stall and went to the door. I stuck my head out and saw no one in the hallway. Good. I hurried to the break room to gather up my purse, then fled out to my brother's truck. I cried silent tears all the way home.
Evan's house was dark and quiet as I walked in. I was mindful not to make too much noise since it was getting close to midnight now. I went upstairs and carefully opened the door to the guest bedroom I shared with my daughter, not wanting to wake her. What I found was a startled and guilty looking Violet sitting up in bed with her tablet in her hands. She belatedly shoved it under the blanket to hide it, and I almost laughed. It's too little, too late, kid.
"You should be asleep, young lady," I said quietly, yet sternly.
She frowned. "And you should be at work," came her indignant reply.
I eyed her sharply. "And who's the grown up here?"
"You're the one who's skipping out on work," she said matter-of-factly. "You tell me."
Oh my God, my daughter was a forty-year-old trapped in a child's body.
"Violet," I said warningly as I stepped further into the room, barely keeping a smile off my face. She was too smart for her own good, and I didn't want to encourage her sassiness, even if it was amusing.
"You are, Mom," she said grudgingly.
"Then turn that thing off. We're going to sleep."
"Okay," she grumbled and pulled her tablet out from under the comforter and did as she was told.
I changed into my pajamas as Violet snuggled under the covers, and I started thinking about what happened with Calder again. Shame fell over me and instantly had more tears threatening to fall. Shit. The last thing I wanted was to cry in front of Violet. It would only upset her. Unfortunately, my sensitive and observant daughter immediately picked up on my distress.
"Mom?" she asked worriedly. "Are you okay?"
"I'm just not feeling well," I replied. It wasn't a complete lie. I did feel terrible, just not physically. "That's why I came home."
Her eyes filled with worry. "Do you need any medicine? I can get it for you. Aunt Beth has some in the bathroom."
"I just need to sleep," I told her with a grateful smile as I climbed into bed next to her. "Don't worry. I'll be fine."
Violet immediately turned and curled up against my side with her head on my shoulder. "I love you, Mom," she murmured sweetly.
I turned my head and kissed the top of her head. "I love you too, baby."
My little girl sighed happily and threw an arm across my waist, already drifting off to sleep. I wasn't so lucky.
My thoughts turned to the mess that was my life and what I'd done with Calder tonight. It felt so good at the time, but it had been a horrible mistake. I guess because of our history, I still felt some sort of connection to Calder, but he didn't really want me. No one did. Why would they? I felt used up and wrung dry. I had nothing left to offer any man, let alone the one I once loved and threw away like a fool. I started crying quietly, unable to hold it in this time. I squeezed my eyes closed as tears spilled down my temples and into my hair. A tiny sob escaped my lips.
"Mom?" Violet asked worriedly as she raised her head to frown at me. I guess she wasn't asleep yet after all. "What's wrong?"
I sighed as I wiped a few tears from my face. "I'm just feeling sad, baby. I had a rough day."
"Don't be sad, Mom." She reached out to cup my cheek. "We're going to be okay. You'll see." She seemed so confident, her beautiful face so sincere and certain. Ah, to be ten years old again and not yet beaten down by the world.
"I know, baby," I lied. "I know."
She smiled at me, then laid her head back down on my shoulder. "Goodnight, Mom."
"Goodnight, Violet," I murmured as I closed my eyes and prayed for the reprieve from my frazzled mind that sleep could give me. The only thing I was certain of was my inability to manage my own life. The future was anything but certain, and I highly doubted that any of it was going to be okay anytime soon, if ever.