CHAPTER
TWENTY-SIX
____________________
Calder
Inadequacy and insecurity were emotions I hadn't felt in a very long time, and they'd been steadily worming their way into my mind over the last four days. I didn't like it, not one damn bit, but I couldn't shake it, and now as I drove to Ella's house to pick her and her daughter up to go swimming at my house, those feelings were worsening.
Ella had been distant and standoffish with me since we played in my private room Thursday night. She'd been quiet and subdued when we parted ways at Désir Dangereux afterwords. At the time, I attributed it to the after-effects of subspace, the euphoric rush of endorphins that came with BDSM play. I'd given her plenty of aftercare to help her ease down from the high, holding her and cuddling her for quite some time, giving her water and some chocolate too. She should have been fine, but apparently she wasn't.
She barely acknowledged or spoke to me the few times I saw her during her weekend shifts at The Indigo Room, and I suspected she was actively avoiding me. On the security feeds she still seemed diminished, lost, and the light that I'd hoped to rekindle inside her by giving her the escape and release that BDSM play could provide, hadn't seemed to ignite even a spark. I didn't know what I did wrong, but it left me feeling inadequate and lost myself. I didn't know why I was surprised that she was turning away from me, or why it bothered me so much. I wasn't enough for her twelve years ago when she left me. Why should anything be different now?
An aching pain throbbed in my chest. The same pain I'd been having since Thursday night, a ghost of the once familiar pain from twelve years ago. The same pain that kept me up the last four nights, and even now was triggering yet another heroin craving. I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to focus on the road as a pit seemed to open in my stomach, and my heart began to race. Fuck, I wanted a hit. I wanted to shoot up so badly. It was all I could do not to turn the car around and head straight for The Armpit to try to score some right now.
It had been like this on and off all weekend, hurting over thoughts of Ella and then craving heroin, dreaming about it, fantasizing about it. I'd been exercising myself into exhaustion everyday to try to stave them off, and even resorted to visiting my mother yesterday afternoon, but the cravings were still happening. I was starting to think I might need help, some meds or to go to a meeting, maybe talk to Scott, but I wasn't doing any of those things. No, I was driving to the home of the source of it all like a fool. Why? Because of the sense of connection and the endorphin high I'd gotten when we played had been like nothing I'd ever felt with a sub before. If I couldn't have heroin, maybe being with Ella again would give my body what it wanted.
I'd felt like a god while dominating Ella, like pure raw energy. My senses had seemed magnified, making everything larger than life, and my mind strong and focused. I'd felt more like myself than ever before. I'd felt closer to Ella too, the intimate connection with her feeling so good, so right, like we were one. I had never felt like that with any of my other subs before, not once.
I'd heard other Doms talk about feeling that way during a scene, but had never experienced myself the high and the amplified sense of awareness that people in the lifestyle called Domspace. I wanted to feel like that with her again. I think I was in withdrawal from it, and feared it was as much to blame for my heroin cravings as the pain of Ella's apparent rejection. Maybe if I talked to her, I could figure out what was going on in her head, and get her to play with me again. Maybe then I could quell the cravings before I gave in to them and destroyed my life all over again.
I focused on my breathing the rest of the way to Ella's place, and had myself somewhat calmed and back in control by the time I pulled up in front of the house. I parked behind an old beige Ford Taurus, and climbed out of my Tesla. I'd only taken two steps onto the sidewalk when the front door flew open and Violet burst out of the house. She came down the sidewalk toward me at a dead run.
"Calder!" she shouted happily, her flaxen hair flying around behind her and a huge grin on her face. She practically slammed into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and hugging me fiercely.
"Hey, kid," I replied with a smile, my heart clenching in a good way as I hugged her back.
She smelled like bubblegum today, and was dressed in purple yet again. It must be her favorite color. How fitting. I was so enamored with this kid. She was sassy, smart, and so loving, exactly what I would have wanted if I'd ever had a kid. I ignored the little pang of resentment-tinged loss that pierced me when it made me think of what I could have had with Ella.
She leaned away to look up at me. "Mom said she didn't think you were coming today," she said.
"I said I'd be here, didn't I?" I asked with a small frown. Why would Ella think that? "I always keep my promises, Violet."
Her grin widened as she grabbed one of my hands. "Will you swim with me today?"
"Sure thing, kid," I told her as she began dragging me toward the house. It looked like I'd have to figure out where the hell my bathing suit was tucked away.
She grew quiet as we approached the front door. She stopped and turned toward me with a frown. "Grandpa's here," she said in a sad worried voice. "He was really mean to Mom the last time he came over. He made her cry."
Tears glistened in Violet's big dark-green eyes, and it broke my heart and pissed me off. I'd never cared for Ella's overbearing father, and the feeling was mutual. Nothing Ella did was ever good enough for that man unless it was something he'd told her to do. He'd been the same way with Ella's mom, and it was no wonder her mother divorced him and moved out of state long before I even met Ella.
"I don't like him very much," she added with a deep frown.
"Neither do I, kid," I grumbled out with a scowl.
She cocked her head and eyed me questioningly. "You know Grandpa?"
Well, fuck. I'd forgotten that Violet had no idea about my history with her mother. I was fairly certain Ella didn't want her to know we used to be a couple or were involved now. She'd been very careful not to touch me too familiarly in front of her daughter. Considering the kid had just lost her father a few months ago, I couldn't blame her.
"Your mom and I used to be friends a long time ago, before she moved away," I explained as vaguely as I could. "Let's go in and make sure she's okay," I continued as I gestured toward the door, hoping to distract her from asking anything else about my relationship with Ella. I was relieved when she nodded and led me into the house.
I could hear a man's voice as we crossed the living room. The words became clearer as we walked down the short hall toward the kitchen.
"I can't believe you're still working at that filthy nightclub," the gruff male voice said in a disgusted tone.
I gritted my teeth and growled under my breath. That filthy nightclub was my pride and joy. What a shocker. Her dad was still an asshole.
"Dad," Ella replied in a tense and exasperated tone. "It's a perfectly respectable job just like any other. It pays well and has benefits too."
"What? Are you going to wait tables for the rest of your life?" he asked bitingly. "Maybe instead of living off your rich husband, you should have done something more with your life."
Silence was Ella's only reply as Violet and I entered the kitchen. Ella was sitting at the small kitchen table across from her father facing me as I walked in. Her head was bowed as she stared down at the table, and her lips were pressed together like they did when she was trying not to cry. A corner of my lip twitched into a sneer as I glared at the back of her father's head.
"Mom?" Violet said in a concerned tone.
"The adults are talking now Vi-" Ed Morris began in an irritated voice that cut off as he turned to see me standing next to Violet in the doorway of the kitchen. His eyes narrowed. "Who the hell are you?" he asked sharply.
The bastard didn't even recognize me. I wasn't really surprised. He barely spoke to me or acknowledged me when Ella and I were dating, but for fuck's sake, we were together for two years. My dislike for him intensified.
"Calder Rennen," I replied tersely, then nearly snorted in disgust when he didn't recognize my name either. He didn't bother to introduce himself. Asshole.
I glanced away from him and looked at Ella to see a surprised and relieved expression on her face along with a brief flash of longing in her eyes. It disappeared so quickly that I wasn't even sure it was real. I'd ponder that later. Right now, I needed to get her away from her toxic father.
"Are you ready to go?" I asked her.
She nodded with a grateful expression.
"Where are you going?" Ed asked demandingly.
"Calder's taking me swimming," Violet announced. "He has a great big house with a really awesome pool."
Ed arched a brow, then turned to eye his daughter with a knowing and judgmental expression. It set me on edge as Ella shifted uncomfortably at his reaction.
"Violet, honey, why don't you go upstairs and pack your bathing suit and a change of clothes into your backpack. Okay?" Ella told Violet with a forced smile.
"Okay," Violet replied reluctantly, frowning at her grandfather. She could feel the thick tension in the room, and didn't want to leave her mother alone with him. I gave her a reassuring smile and a slight nod to let her know I'd be here. Her face relaxed as she turned to leave the room.
"And leave your tablet at home," Ella added.
Violet gasped and whirled around with a dismayed expression. "But Mom-"
"You've spent enough time with your nose buried in that thing lately," Ella interrupted her sternly. "I'm not going to have you doing that when we're guests in someone's home."
"B...but I need it," Violet whined dramatically with a pained expression as she clenched her hands into fists at her sides.
Ella eyed her daughter sharply with an arched brow for a long moment.
Finally, Violet let out a loud indignant huff. "Fine," she with a deep scowl before stomping out of the kitchen.
"You're too lenient with her," Ed said accusingly after Violet was out of earshot. "She's a spoiled little brat."
Ella's face turned hard, and her eyes glittered angrily as she pressed her lips together.
"That's odd," I said gruffly before Ella had a chance to respond, feeling pissed off myself. "I've found Violet to be nothing but respectful and very well behaved. I guess it all just depends on the quality of the company she keeps."
He stiffened at my implied insult. "Who the hell do you think you are?" he asked angrily, sneering at me as he rose to his feet in an attempt to seem intimidating. It used to work twelve years ago, but not now. I wasn't that scrawny and insecure twentysomething kid anymore.
"I'm a friend of Ella's," I replied evenly as I crossed my arms over my chest, making my muscular shoulders and biceps bulge intimidatingly. "And the owner of the filthy nightclub she works at," I added with a hard stare.
His eyes widened, and then he took in my appearance with calculating eyes. I was actually dressed casually for once in a dark-blue button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a pair of khaki slacks. They were simple, yet obviously expensive, along with my TAG Heuer watch and the Tom Ford sunglasses perched on top of my head. Once I'd been able to afford nice clothing and accessories, I'd discovered how much I liked them. That was all I bought and wore now because I could.
"Friend, huh?" he asked snidely. He glanced condescendingly at his daughter. "That didn't take long."
"Long for what exactly, Dad?" Ella asked pointedly with an arched brow, glaring at the man.
"For you to set her sights on another wealthy man," he said.
Ella sighed. "We're just friends, Dad," she said in exasperation, her words stinging me. We were more weren't we? I guess not. "And money isn't everything," she added fiercely.
"It is when you have a shitty job in a bar, and you're so broke you have to live off your brother," came his caustic reply.
Ella's face twisted with pain, and there was no mistaking the shame and guilt in her eyes. The bastard hit his own daughter where it hurt the most. Asshole.
"That shitty job of hers in a bar, is where I started out," I said bitingly. "You always said I wouldn't amount to anything. I guess that lowly barback proved you wrong and made something of himself. Huh, Ed?"
Ella's father gaped at me in confusion, his brows furrowing and his eyes blinking rapidly as he tried to make sense of what I said.
"Cal?" he finally asked incredulously as recognition sudden sparked in his eyes.
I nodded and continued eying him sharply. "And knowing your daughter, and despite your toxic energy in her life, so will she." I turned away from him dismissively and looked at Ella. "Are you ready to go now, Ella?"
She nodded and stood from the table shooting a grateful expression my way before glaring at her father. "It's time for you to leave, Dad," she said firmly.
He looked indignant. "Well, I-" he began angrily.
"You heard the woman, Ed," I cut him off sharply. "It's time to go."
He glared back and forth between us for a moment, then made a disgusted noise. "I guess Violet's not the only spoiled brat." And with that final parting shot at his daughter, he walked out of the kitchen. The sound of the front door opening and slamming shut followed a few seconds later. I turned back to Ella to see her let out a relieved breath as her body relaxed, but she was pressing her lips together again like she might cry.
"Are you okay?" I asked quietly, wanting to go to her, but feared the possibility of rejection since she'd pretty much been avoiding me for days now.
She nodded. "I'm fine," she replied softly. "Thank you." She made a sudden pained expression. "Listen," she said in resignation. "I don't think it's such a good idea for us to-"
"I'm ready, Mom!" Violet hollered just before she breezed into the kitchen with her purple backpack slung over her shoulder. "I'm so excited I can't stand it," she added enthusiastically, beaming happily and bouncing on her feet. "Calder said he'd swim with me today."
"I sure did," I told Violet with a smile, glad she walked in when she did.
I was certain that Ella had been about to back out on our plans, but now that she knew how much this meant to her daughter, I didn't think she would. Ella's brows furrowed deeply as she looked at Violet.
"We better get going kid, so we can get some swimming in before you help me make lunch," I said to Violet.
Violet's eyes lit up. "Are you making that kung pao stuff?"
"Nope, something better," I replied with an amused smirk as I escorted Violet out of the kitchen before her mother could say anything to stop us.
I quickly led Violet out of the house as she grilled me about what we were going to cook. By the time I helped her into the back seat of my Tesla and looked back at the house, Ella had already come outside and was locking the front door. I watched her walk down the sidewalk toward my car with an obvious air of reluctance as she avoided my gaze. I tried to ignore how much it bothered me, since I'd gotten what I wanted after all.
When she finally got into the car, I shut the passenger-side door for her and breathed out a deep sigh of relief. I already felt calmer and more at ease now that she was with me, the cravings that had been clawing at the back of my mind finally settling down. I just hoped that her reluctance to be around me wasn't the second rejection that I dreaded, and feared would be the end of me.