CHAPTER
ELEVEN
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Ella
I sat at a table all alone in the break room at work, staring down unenthusiastically at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Violet had made me for tonight. I'd only taken one bite, and it tasted like cardboard. Not because anything was wrong with it, but because I felt lost and broken inside. My appetite was practically nonexistent.
I tried so hard not to let my father's words from yesterday bother me, but even as an adult who knew better, old habits drilled into my head since childhood died hard. Especially when it seemed like I really had fucked up everything in my life like he'd told me I did. It seemed like every decision I'd ever made since leaving Calder had led to one mistake after another, all leading up to the empty and directionless life I had now.
I fell prey to a manipulative and charismatic monster, who charmed me into his clutches, got me pregnant, and stole the last eleven years of my life from me in a loveless joke of a marriage. Then there was my daughter, who I loved dearly, but had no way of providing her with the future she deserved now that Ray was gone, and I was left with nothing. My vision blurred with tears as I buried my face in my hands and wept quietly when my attempts to fight them failed.
"Ella," the familiar and deep resonant male voice called out sternly. It felt like a barb piercing painfully into my already wounded and battered heart, reminding me of what I'd thrown away and would never have again.
I snapped my head up to find Calder in the break room doorway, giving me a disapproving glare that faltered slightly as he focused on my tear-stained face. He looked stunning in a dark-blue suit that was perfectly fitted to his tall muscular frame. The lighter blue shade of his dress shirt made his eyes pop as they seemed to pierce into me.
I wiped at my eyes frantically in embarrassment as my body instantly reacted to him with lust and aching need despite his obvious disdain for me at this moment. I'd hoped not to see him at all today after that kiss that had rattled me to the core and confused the hell out of me. That was too much to hope for, and seemed par for the course, given the hopelessness that endlessly infected the rest of my life right now
"I need to speak with you in my office," he said authoritatively as his expression hardened. "Now," he added sharply, the lines of his body tense and rigid as he turned and walked back out into the hall without another word.
I sighed as I stared at the empty doorway, wondering what fresh hell my life was going to hand me next. Was he going to fire me this time? Probably. I ignored the tiny part of me that wanted him to kiss me again, hoping it would lead to more since I was so lonely and hadn't felt desired or wanted in so long. I was so pathetic. I stood, then carried my lunch to the trash and dropped it in before trailing slowly after Calder with a heavy heart, my stomach roiling with dread.
Calder's office door was cracked open when I approached it, after passing Gwen's thankfully unoccupied desk. Anxiety had tension tightening across my shoulders almost painfully as I paused for a moment in an attempt to calm myself. It didn't work one little bit, so I gritted my teeth and forced myself to walk in.
I found Calder leaning back in his chair behind his desk with a grim and forbidding expression, and his arms crossed over his chest. Yup, this wasn't going to be pleasant, not one little bit, even if he did look unbelievably sexy and made my body practically swoon. I looked away, not wanting him to see my reaction and letting my eyes wander around the room to avoid his hard gaze.
His office was traditionally masculine, with lots of burnished gray fabric and brushed steel, but the rich dark wooden desk, the colorful artwork, and pops of cream kept it warm and welcoming. Something that Calder most definitely was not right now.
"Close the door and have a seat," he said in a tone that brooked no argument as he motioned toward a chair in front of his desk.
I nodded as I pushed the door closed behind me. I walked over to sink down onto the chair, shrinking into myself and feeling uneasy and vulnerable as I stared at my clasped hands. Several uncomfortable moments of silence passed as I waited for the other shoe to drop on the mess that was my life. I would walk out of here unemployed and have to go to my father with my tail between my legs and ask him about that job at the hospital. I could already see the smug and "I told you so" look in eyes right now. I'd never live it down. My eyes burned in shame.
"I know why you're here," Calder snapped out accusingly, his tone whip sharp and crackling with barely contained anger.
My head flew up in surprise to meet his fierce and fiery blue gaze, my own wide and incredulous now. He sat up in his chair, his fingers curling around the front of the cloth arm rests and digging in until his knuckles turned white. The blue fire in his eyes flamed brighter as his lip curled up in disdain.
"You think I wouldn't realize or figure it out?" he snarled at me. "I didn't claw my way up out of The Armpit to get where I am today by being a gullible fool or allowing anyone to use me."
What? I jerked back in my seat, thrown off and confused by his words and intimidated by his vitriolic tone.
"You left me behind like I was nothing, and found your precious financial security that I couldn't give you," he continued sarcastically with a hard and acerbic edge of unmistakable pain that I don't think he even realized was slipping out. "You sold your soul to the devil for it, and now that Raymond Voss is fucking dead, you've set your greedy gold-digging sights on me, thinking you could use our history to your advantage." He stood and leaned out over his desk to stare balefully down at me. "That will never fucking happen," he growled out, slapping his palm down hard on the desk and making me flinch.
I blinked up at him in complete shock. This was what he thought I was here for? To use him for financial gain. The utter ridiculousness of it was astounding. All Ray's money and wealth ever did was suck the very life out of me. It got me a man who treated me like the dirt under his shoe and his own personal slave. I didn't want anybody else's money. I just wanted to earn enough to have a life of my own. I never wanted to hurt Calder again either. I'd obviously done enough damage to him already, and the guilt would follow me for the rest of my joke of a life.
An overwhelming and heavy weight of despair and hopelessness fell over me. My chest hurt and I suddenly couldn't breath as it all became too much to bear. The pressure of all the stress I was under welled up and up inside me until I couldn't take it anymore. It felt like something inside me broke then, shattering the fragile armor I'd erected around my heart to hold it together for my daughter and to protect myself. It let loose all the pain and anguish I'd shoved down deep inside me in a brutal tidal wave that swept my sanity away. Like a burst damn, tears instantly poured from my eyes as almost hysterical sobs spewed out of my mouth. Calder's eyes widened, and his head jerked back at my sudden emotional reaction.
"Y...you think I'm a g...gold-digger?" I asked incredulously between sobs. "I'm not. I'm...I'm just a worthless piece of shit. Someone who...who walked away from the best thing that ever happened to her and let a m...monster into her life instead, a monster who made me think he loved me. He got me p...pregnant. He said he'd marry me, take care of me, but it was all a f...fucking lie. All...all I was to him was a brood mare, and a hole to f...fuck when he felt like it. By the time I figured it out it was too late to get out. He threatened to make sure I never saw my daughter again if I ever left him. R...Ray took everything from me, my life, my freedom, my future. Everything.
"Financial security," I added bitterly. I let out a bark of almost maniacal laughter. "What a fucking joke. All it ever gave me was pain and heartache, and now that Ray's dead I'm left with nothing. I'm nothing, and I got what deserved for what I did to you." I sucked in a shuddering breath. "So go ahead and fire me. I deserve that too."
Calder just stood there, his mouth gaping as he stared at me in startled shock as sobs continued to rack my body. I couldn't bear to meet his eyes anymore and curled forward, burying my face in my hands and continuing to weep bitterly. Everything I'd been holding in for so long had finally broken free in a violent emotional torrent that I couldn't seem to stop. All that was left now was for Calder to fire me, so I could hit rock bottom, and then run out of here like the whipped dog I felt like inside.