Chapter 37
Hanna
I took a bath by myself and was painfully aware of how Kason avoided me the rest of the day. On the plane ride over, he had told me he wanted me badly…as much as I did him. But the moment he left me in that bathroom by myself, I knew something was wrong. I tried to find him in his sprawling home, but he was nowhere to be found. I could hear his footsteps and see his shadows, but every damn time I turned the corner, he wasn’t there. I figured that when we got back he would take a nap with me or crawl into the bath with me, or at least stick around and talk to me. I could’ve understood if he had to go to work or set shit up with something or check on that prototype he had mentioned that had dragged him home the first time, but there was nothing.
He had just dumped me in this strange room and left.
Granted, it was a beautiful room. The sheer yellow curtains went well with the orange and brown bedspread he’d put on the bed for me, and the bathroom was coated in yellows and pinks. I figured he had probably brought an interior designer in to do it because this definitely didn’t strike me as something Kason could pull off. I wandered the house aimlessly and raided his fridge when I got hungry, but I didn’t see him again until the next morning.
“Ready to go see your desk?” he asked me first thing in the morning.
I rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the shower. I tried to convince Kason to come in with me, and I even provided a little strip tease to get him going, but he simply ducked around the corner and left me to get ready. Something wasn’t right, and all of a sudden, I felt like a stranger in a home I should’ve felt safe in. I no longer felt comforted around Kason. Instead, I felt worried. I was sinking back into the same types of stressors I had just left, and I felt myself getting sick.
So sick, in fact, that I doubled over in the shower and heaved.
“Ugh,” I said. I really was going to be one of those sick women during this first trimester, and I wasn’t excited about the prospect.
They were all right. I hadn’t actually weighed all the things that went into this decision.
I got out and got dressed, and we silently drove to his work. I gawked at all the buildings we passed by and sometimes asked him what they were, but that was the only talking we did. I figured something had made Kason uncomfortable with the arrangement he had thrust us into, which meant I had more to talk to Stanford about than I had realized.
I probably needed to talk to them about their policy when it came to pregnant women living in the dorms on campus.
“Here we are,” Kason said. “Let’s get you up to the top floor so you can get acquainted with everything.”
“Sounds good.”
As we rode the elevator all the way to the top, we were practically standing on opposite ends. My heart sank to my feet, and with every jerk of the elevator, I thought I was going to barf on my shoes. Kason was staring intensely at the elevator door in front of him, and I didn’t dare move any closer. There was nowhere else for him to go, and I didn’t think I could handle it if he pushed me away.
Just like everyone else had.
The elevator doors opened and I watched Kason step out, so I simply followed him. I kept my head down while we rounded a few corners, and when he stopped, I almost slammed into his backside.
“Sorry,” I murmured.
“This is your desk,” he said, smiling. “What do you think?”
I took in the mahogany desk. It was filled with everything I could’ve needed. There were pens and pencils for taking notes and sticky pads for writing down messages, a massive calendar to keep his schedule and a high-tech computer to enter everything into. There were notebooks and planners and requisite sheets for products the company regularly used, and there was even a phone and a headset that was probably tied to the rest of the building.
“Your line is what I give as my direct line. All calls are fielded through you. If you need to transfer a call to me, you simply hit the green button in the top right-hand corner. Otherwise, just take a message and I’ll call them back.”
“Got it,” I said.
“This computer is synced to mine, so whatever you put into the calendar shows up on my end. I didn’t know if you would want to technologically sync schedules or write it down on a physical calendar, so I just got you both.”
“The former sounds more convenient, especially if I have to make notes about school. You can see those then, too,” I said.
“Perfect. Now, the requisite sheets are for you to fill out, and at the end of every month there will be a lot. We order everything on a monthly basis, and every department is required to email you what they need along with the product numbers. All you do is transfer the information exactly as it is in the emails onto the requisite sheets and then send them down to purchasing. The entire process of writing all this down will take about three days, so during those three days you won’t attend any meetings with me and take minutes. I’ll cover that myself.”
“Got it,” I said.
“The headset is for if you have to step away. Sometimes there’s an error or someone might need you to come take notes for me for when I return, so they’ll pull you from your desk. Only go if you can spare the time, and when you can, this headset will keep you rooted to the phone so you can still take calls if necessary.”
“All right.”
“Feeling overwhelmed yet?” he asked with a smirk on his face.
“A little,” I said. “I think it’ll be a learning process, but I’ll get the hang of it.”
“That’s my Hanna,” he said with a smile.
But really? Was I? Because after yesterday and this morning, I honestly didn't feel like it.
“Want to take a quick tour of the company?” he asked. “I laid it out so that each floor has its own designation. It would behoove you to get acquainted with the other secretaries on the floors.”
“Sounds good to me.”
He took me floor by floor and introduced me to the front desk attendee of each floor. There was purchasing and accounting. There was HR and testing. There was a floor designated for the coders of the software and a floor dedicated to the lawyers he kept on retainer. There was even a floor dedicated specifically to lunches and coffees and early morning breakfasts.
And yes, that floor had a secretary, too.
“This place is massive,” I said. “I don’t know how I’ll remember it.”
“I’ve taped a sheet of paper on the upper left-hand corner of your desk that has the level numbers and what each level is. I see you’ve been collecting the secretaries’ names and their extensions, so you can write those down on that sheet so they are easily accessible.”
“That’s what I was planning.”
“Good girl,” he said with a smirk.
At any other point in time I would’ve shivered at his comment, but now it simply felt condescending. It felt like he had gotten what he wanted and now he was just casting me aside. Like he had locked me in his tower and could just call on me whenever he liked and treat me like shit when he didn’t.
Funny, that was sort of what I had been planning to do to him in the beginning.
Kason continued to drone on, and I acted like I was paying attention. I felt like the building was slowly swallowing me whole and I had to physically choke back vomit just to save face for him. I was in a sprawling city I wasn’t used to with no friends or family to speak of, and I was attached to a man I had accidentally gotten pregnant with who was now more distant than ever. At least when I’d been back home Marcus had yelled at me when he’d seen me and Mom had actually wanted to stick around and do things with me.
Kason just dumped me places and left me alone.
“So, that’s the grand tour. If you need me, I’ll be in my office. I’ve filled in my schedule through the week on your calendar, but it’ll be your responsibility from here on out.”
“Got it,” I said with a sigh.
It shouldn’t have shocked me that he just left me at my desk. I felt an emptiness begin to brew in my chest. Things had been very weird between the two of us since we’d gotten here, especially after our encounter on the plane, and I felt like I had been duped. Like I had somehow been convinced that this would go one way and now that I had been tricked into the trap, someone was trying to lock me in a cage. I mean, I had known karma would eventually come back around and bite me in the ass, but I had thought getting pregnant was that karma.
I didn’t expect all of this to happen as well.
I sat down at my desk and fielded some phone calls and tried to get the hang of the system I was sitting in front of. I kept writing down notes on the sticky pads and placing them in places, but then I found an application Kason and I could use so I could write down these messages and shoot them directly to him. So, I downloaded it on my end and sent him an invitation. Then I shot him an email to accept it.
Even though he was across the hall.
I hated every single second of this. If things hadn’t been so weird at the house, then it might’ve been better. But there was this massive rift between the two of us, and a thought suddenly crossed my mind.
What if this had been a mistake?
I mean, Marcus had kept telling me about all these things I’d encounter, but I hadn’t wanted to listen. I’d wanted to brush him off and tell him to fuck off because he’d been yelling at me, but maybe he’d been right. Maybe I was throwing my life away. Maybe Kason wanted to still be a playboy. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this motherhood thing. Maybe I should’ve just stayed behind and stayed on campus and did classes—
“Hanna?” Kason asked. “You all right? You look a bit pale.”
“I think I’m just hungry,” I said.
“I’ll go get us some lunch.”
“I could order us something and have it delivered?” I said.
“I need to stretch my legs.”
And with that, he was off again, darting around a corner and forgetting all about me, some pregnant chick who just happened to be carrying his kid. I sighed and slumped into my chair. I knew then and there what I had to do. I’d made a massive mistake, and I knew my mother would be there for me and listen to me. That was what I needed.
I needed my mom and—if I could patch things up—Stacey.
I wasn’t willing to give up on her like Marcus and Kason had given up on each other.
I wandered into Kason’s office and looked around. There were tinted floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the whole of San Francisco. There was a plush couch in the corner that sat perpendicular to the windows against the wall, and a massive built-in bookshelf housed all sorts of books I wasn’t sure if Kason had read or not. His desk was solid when I sat on it, and there was a part of me that began mourning the loss of what could’ve been. We could’ve had late-night trysts on that couch, and he could’ve bent me over this desk during his lunch hour. He could’ve pressed my body against the cool glass in the early morning hours and showed me off to the city below, marking me as his time and time again while murmuring how much we loved each other.
But I felt all that slipping away, and all I wanted was to go home.
“I’ve made a mistake,” I whispered.
“What was that?”
I whipped around at Kason’s voice. He was holding up two bags of food. Whatever it was, it smelled phenomenal, but I wasn’t hungry.
I had to talk to Kason, and I had to do it now.
“Kason, I think we need to talk,” I said.
He slowly walked over and sat the food on his desk before he cocked his hip up onto the corner. He looked so business-like in his work suit, and something told me he’d take this easier than I would.
So much for my fairy tale.
“I think I need to decline this internship,” I said.
“If you’re feeling overwhelmed—”
“Kason, this was a mistake,” I blurted out. I searched his face for any reaction. Any at all. Shock. Hurt. Anger. Something to tell me I’d caught him off guard. Something to tell me that the past forty-eight hours were just all in my head and I was being a hormonal pregnant woman.
But when his face didn’t budge, I knew I hadn’t made it up. He was distant because he thought this was a mistake, too, and I felt my heart shatter and hit the floor.
“I think that maybe we just…shouldn’t be near one another for a while. You’ve clearly got stuff on your mind, and I think maybe we rushed things.”
“Okay,” Kason replied.
“And I think I need to decline the internship.”
“What about your—”
“You leave my school to me. I’m a big girl. I can handle it. I have to call them Monday to talk about those online courses, and I’ll talk to them about their policy regarding pregnant women living on campus.”
“Hanna, you can still—”
“No, I can’t,” I said with a sigh. My heart was breaking. Of course he was willing to fight me on things he felt he could control. His home, keeping me locked up there, the internship. These were all things in his control.
But feelings? Emotions? They were foreign to him, and instead of just talking to me, he avoided me.
I took a deep breath and made my face as stoic as possible. I lifted my guarded stare to him, and I could tell he was a little taken aback. He was used to emotional Hanna. He was used to vulnerable Hanna. But the one thing about me that no one knew was that I emotionally compartmentalized like a sociopath when I needed to, and now was one of those times I needed to.
“I’ll take a cab—”
“Hanna, come on.”
“—back to your house,” I said, sternly. “I’ll pack my things and find a way home.”
Kason sighed and ran his hand through his hair. I had officially taken my control back from him, and I could tell it was wearing on him. Marcus was right. I hadn’t been ready for any of this, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be a mother.
Why did Stacey have to run out on me like that?
I left and grabbed my things and caught a cab back to Kason’s. The maid was there and let me in, and when I stepped over the threshold of his home, I let my tears fall. I dragged myself upstairs and started packing my things, hoping to God he wouldn’t come in behind me. I thought about Stacey and how I could approach her. Maybe I could convince her to take this child. Kason obviously didn’t really want this with me, and now I wasn’t sure if I wanted it either. I knew she and Brad were struggling, and I just hoped she wouldn’t see it as another insult. I settled on calling her to talk to her about adoption, and just as I reached for my phone, it rang.
And Stacey’s name popped up.
“Hello?” I said with a sniffle.
“Oh, Hanna, I wasn’t sure if you were going to pick up. Please, just listen.”
“All right.”
“I’m so sorry for the way I acted. How I reacted to you being pregnant was nothing other than jealousy, and I threw it in your face because this wasn’t planned for you and I can’t even carry a child to term that I did plan.”
“Stacey, it’s all right,” I said.
“Your mother told me you left with Kason for the internship, and it broke my heart that I didn’t get to say good-bye. Hanna, I’m so sorry. When are you coming home? Will it be soon? I can fly out there and see you. Hanna, please forgive me. I’m so happy for you that Kason is going to take care of you just like you always wanted as a—”
“I’m coming home today,” I said.
“You’re…you’re what?”
“Kason doesn’t want me, Stacey.”
“Wait a second. What happened?” she asked.
I told her about everything. About the plane ride and how we had sex. How he made me look at him and how I was absolutely enamored with him. I told her about the silent car ride and how he just dumped me in a room. How I didn’t see him again until this morning and how emotionless he was toward me in his home and at work.
“Oh, Hanna.”
“This was a mistake. Marcus was right. You were right. Everyone was right. I’m not ready for any of this, and Kason is just now figuring that out himself, too. I was nothing but a fuck gone wrong, but he just doesn’t have it in him to kick me out. So, I’ll be home tonight.”
“Are you not going to even take the internship?” she asked.
“Why would I want to look at him every day? I’ll figure something out with the school.”
“Well, I need you to understand that I love you and I support any decision you make. How are you getting home?”
“I don’t know…” I replied.
“Do you have any money?” she asked.
“No,” I said. Tears crested my eyes, and for a split second, I thought I was trapped. I knew, if I asked him, Kason would fly me home. But he’d done enough, and I wanted ties cut with him. I had none of this planned out. I had been a stupid child with an idiotic selfish whim I had to have indulged because I thought I was getting too old too fast, and now I was stuck.
“Hold on,” Stacey said. I heard some typing in the background while I continued to throw my things in a suitcase. Then she came back on the line and showed me just how much she loved me.
“I have you set to leave San Fran International in two hours on a straight-shot flight to Seattle. I’ll pick you up.”
“Holy crap, Stacey, did you just pay for that? Brad’s going to kill you!”
“I’m right here, Hanna,” Brad said. “Come home. We’ll be at the airport for you. If you want, you can come stay with us for a bit until you figure out how to tell your parents what’s happened.”
Tears poured down my face while I zipped up my suitcase and slipped my shoes on before heading downstairs. The stayed on the phone with me until I could get myself into a cab, and the driver felt so bad for the sobbing woman in the back of his car that he said he wouldn’t even charge me for the trip.
“Are you headed to the airport?” Stacey asked.
“Just getting into the cab,” I said with a sniffle.
“Let us know when you’re about to take off. We’ll see you soon.”
Then I heard a car come to a grinding halt behind me.
“What was that?” Stacey asked. But I was too stunned to answer her.
Kason.
It was Kason getting out of the car that had just kicked up smoke with its tires in his driveway.
And he was headed right for me.
“I’ll call you back,” I said.