CHAPTER 22
Brea
I had to go to the city for my six-week checkup, and I took the SUV we had purchased a week ago. Both Ryan and I had to go to New York from time to time, but I was nervous as I drove along with Elle sleeping in the back. I knew I was healthy, and my body felt flushed as I realized what that meant.
We could finally have sex again. Things had been building between us over the last few weeks with every look and touch. I pleasured him often to keep Ryan happy and because I wanted to. I was falling harder for him every day now that we were living together. I loved feeling close to him.
I went in when my name was called, and they all made a proper fuss over Elle as she slept in her car seat. I was nervous during my checkup and surprised by how invasive it felt after giving birth.
“You are cleared for take-off. Everything healed up just fine, Brea. Do you want me to get you on any kind of birth control? Sometimes breastfeeding isn’t as effective as moms want it to be.”
“I guess I’ll do the pill for a while.” I didn’t want another baby. We didn’t want another baby.
“Perfect. I’ll send that to the pharmacy. Use backup for the first month, just in case. I am also giving you the full year since you drive quite a way into the city now. How is life out in paradise?”
I thought about my answer for a moment. The house was amazing and in one of the most gorgeous places I’d ever seen. There was nothing to complain about in my life. I smiled.
“It’s so peaceful compared to this. I have to pinch myself every morning.”
“You have to do that with an infant no matter where you live. You’re always tired,” she joked as she looked me over. “You seem to be adjusting well, though. How’s Daddy?
“He’s working on a new business venture, so he’s been pretty busy. He adores her though. It’s so sweet.” I smiled as I thought about when I saw him with Elle.
“It makes you fall in love with him even more, doesn’t it?” She gave me a knowing look, and I blushed. Love? We hadn’t ever talked about that.
“Yeah, something like that,” I responded.
We finished and I headed over to the pharmacy to grab my prescription. I left the hospital with Elle sleeping in her seat in her stroller and felt some energy run through me. I’d been cooped up at the house a lot lately, and I glanced down the street as I calculated how far the coffee shop was. I had tucked my old uniform into my bag this morning in case I felt up to stopping in, and now I did. I started to push Elle as I looked around, taking in the noise of the city and all the people. I missed it in some ways, but nothing beat the sound of the ocean waves at night. I’d even found some cute places to hang out in town as Elle grew older.
In terms of New York, the coffee shop was only about four blocks away. I walked through the door, and Stacy squealed as she came running around the counter to give me a hug. I’d been cleared on maternity leave but chosen to quit a month into it when I realized I lived so far and Ryan would be so busy. It just made sense.
“She is so pretty,” Stacy gushed as she looked at Elle with stars in her eyes, making me laugh.
“It’s hardcore, girl. Trust me on that one.” Some of the others waved to me, and the manager came around to congratulate me and look at Elle. I handed her my uniform, and she took it and gave me a hug.
“It’s good to see you so happy, Brea. You worked so hard here even when you were toward the end with her. Is it true that you went into labor after working a double?” Molly asked. I giggled and nodded. That was going to be a story to tell Elle later since it had worked out so well, but it had been terrifying in the moment. “I am so glad that it worked out.”
“Me too. Early babies are scary, but she was ready. She’s thriving now.” I looked down at Elle and smiled, taking in her darker hair.
Molly told me that anything I wanted was on the house as someone called her name from the back. I thanked her with a smile. I went over to the counter and looked at everything with a bittersweet smile, knowing I’d moved on now. I was happy to come back any chance I got. I could have both now. Stacy popped back up to ask me what I wanted. I ordered a blended chai tea latte and one of the cookies I’d eaten so often during my pregnancy.
I sent Lucy a text, and she came in just as I was finishing my visit. She was grinning as she walked over to us. The staff came out to talk when they had breaks, and I loved it, but I wanted time with my best friend. She picked up Elle and cooed at her as Elle stared at her aunt with dark blue eyes, making Stacy pout. Elle had been sleeping up until now, and I knew she would be hungry soon. I finished the cookie and looked at Lucy. She sensed my urgency.
“Want to leave?”
“She’ll be hungry soon,” I said. I realized I hadn’t fed her out of the house yet. I was prepared, but nervous. Lucy stood up and held Elle to her chest. I called out that I’d be back soon and hugged Stacy one more time.
“I’m so happy for you,” she told me, and I smiled at her. Lucy and I left and walked the block to her apartment as we talked about Elle and all the changes in my life.
“How’s Ryan?” she asked, and I frowned at her door.
“He’s getting the center built. It’s going to be amazing and he is so hands on,” I told her. Lucy nodded.
“He is impressing everyone,” Lucy told me proudly as I pushed the stroller and diaper bag against the wall. Elle started to fuss. Lucy handed the baby over once I was free. Elle latched on hard, and I widened my eyes. She was hungrier than usual.
“I am proud of Ryan, Lucy. I am. I just never see him. I am so caught up with Elle and collapse at the end of the day. I love my life, but I never see him, and when I do it’s in bits and pieces of him being adorable with Elle. I suppose maybe that is how it should be. It is what we arranged, right?” I leaned back, holding Elle securely in my arms.
“I think things changed, no?” Lucy asked as she got me water from the kitchen. “This is so much more now, Brea.”
“Maybe for me. Maybe my hormones are still on the fritz and I’m just daydreaming about our life becoming a romance novel.” I sighed as I sipped the water. “I think I’m in love with him, Lucy.”
“How could you not be? I have never seen him make this kind of effort with anyone before, Brea. That house blew my mind when I first walked in to look around. The fact that he bought it on vacation with you and surprised you speaks volumes about my cousin.” She sat down with the coffee she’d bought at the shop. “He loves you. He might just be figuring that out, but he does. There’s no doubt. I think you are both a little gun shy with the big words. You want them to be real. That’s good. I think too many women have told Ryan that they love him without knowing shit about him other than who his family is.”
“Does he miss that? The women?” I asked. She looked thoughtful for a moment.
“No. He was bitching to me about this woman at the bank recently. Those days are over,” Lucy assured me as insecurity washed through me.
“I went to the doctor. We can start having sex again. Do you think he’ll want to?” I asked. Lucy laughed.
“I’m certain of it. What are you going to do about that?” she teased me, and I shrugged.
“He’s going to be in the city late tonight, so probably nothing.” I thought ahead and decided to do something special tomorrow. “I don’t want to keep drifting apart. I’ll do something for him tomorrow.”
“How about you get Mike over there with Elle this weekend and we double date Greenwich style? Dinner and drinks…for everyone but you?” Lucy finished slowly, and I chuckled. “And Ryan. We can celebrate everything with sparkling water.” I finished the sentence with cider but remained quiet. “Do you think he’ll want to? He was so mad at Lewis, but we’re doing okay. I swear.”
“I can talk to him.” I still didn’t trust Lewis with myself or Lucy, but I had to trust her instincts. I missed hanging out with Lucy and thought we could all get along for one evening. Elle dropped away from me and I bounced a burp out of her before leaving her on my chest to sleep.
Lucy showed me some of her new paintings as we kept talking and made salads for lunch. I found out that an artist friend of hers had taken over my old apartment. It made me think of my new life and everything I’d left behind in the city. I was sad and lonely in so many ways, filled with fear of the future. I wanted to laugh when I realized it was still a bit lonely at times and instead stabbed a piece of lettuce with my fork.
We passed Elle back and forth throughout the day as we talked, and it felt like the old days to me. I missed them. I was happy now, but when I’d been here, I had just walked a few blocks from my house to visit Lucy and get caught up in her world.
I fed Elle for the last time before going home. Lucy walked me to my car since she was meeting Lewis for dinner. I waved to her when I was inside, calling through the window that I would talk to Ryan soon and that I loved and missed her. I thought all about the city as I drove, picturing her party like a movie in my head. I saw Ryan standing there and thought about how I’d been smitten from the first shared glance. I had wanted him like no man before, and the pieces had fallen into place as we’d continued to see one another.
Now his beautiful daughter was in the back seat of my car and I missed him more than ever. The drive home was uneventful, and I parked in the garage before taking Elle in and giving her a bath.
I watched some television in the bedroom with the windows open once she was fed and sleeping again. I hadn’t gotten a chance to go to the beach today, so I settled for the salty breeze as I stared at the screen and thought about sex. I thought about how much I wanted it and the connection to Ryan as I struggled to stay awake.
I woke up for Elle’s first feeding and saw that Ryan had fallen asleep on the couch in front of his computer. I sighed and got some water before walking back upstairs to get some more sleep.
Was it bad to kind of resent the center or at least the time it was taking away from me? I checked on Elle and curled up in bed as my thoughts raced. I stared at the moon over the water. I was tired and would fall asleep soon enough, but for now I wanted this moment.